Main » March 2006
March 30, 2006
i don't know how to let this go or move beyond it. it brings up the feelings of rejection the most. no matter how i try to explain it, i don't get anywhere. i don't think it's fair. it's not fair that she was the one to start this and then she gets to abruptly stop it. there's no discussion about how we can work to make changes to it and work towards a solution that's more gradual. we talk about it at times but i always end up feeling unheard. she said the groups weren't working for me the way they should be and that i shouldn't go anymore. i disagreed and advocated for myself and showed her that wasn't the truth. now, over a month later, she's so happy with how i'm using them to help me. she was wrong about that so why can't she see that maybe she might be wrong about this? i hate that i feel so discouraged by this. i feel like i'm doing so many things differently and i'm standing up for myself and taking care of myself. and i see this as a piece of what i need right now - something that would help me, but she disagrees so i feel like there's nothing i can do about it. i'm trapped. there's no way i can get this one piece that i need. yes, these feelings are very familiar. it was my entire childhood - trapped - no way out of the situation - no way to get what i needed. i know this is different. it's not an abusive situation. but it's still a real situation that has these real feelings attached to it.
i don't know how to not make this an issue - how to not make this important to me. i wish i did. i wish more than anything i could let it go. i feel it's holding me back. i want to go foward with more sessions like last week. i want to remember and experience and feel everything that happened to me. but now after doing it last week and knowing how difficult sitting with the feelings was, i have so much fear about doing it again because i feel like i might need this piece to help me get through and it's something not available to me. if it had never been there at all, it would be so much different. but because it was and then so abruptly taken away - i can't shake off the feelings of absolute rejection. i feel like all of a sudden she got a real good look at me and said - NO WAY! - and slammed the door in my face. i know that's not true at all but it's what it feels like. i don't understand why she can't trust how i have changed and be open to just trying a different version of it.
UGH! i can't stand talking about it anymore. i want to just let it go. but my heart won't let it go. why? why is my heart holding on so tight to this? i can't stand it. it hurts so much. it makes me want to give up completely. it's those "no way out so i might as well just die" feelings. i hate that it's this big of a deal. now i'm just getting angry at myself and hating myself because i must be the one who is wrong. if she won't budge then she has to be right so why should i trust myself that this is a piece of what i need? therefore, why should i continue to advocate for myself? it's a vicious cycle i can't get out of and now i'm back to those "no way out" feelings. it's been over three months and my feelings about this haven't changed. i really don't know what to do about it anymore. i feel like giving up. for now, i'll just settle for a brief escape and just go cut. i can't fight the urge anymore.
Posted by Butterflyteam at 7:50 PM
March 28, 2006
it's almost 3:00am. i slept for about 2 hours but had some weird dreams and now can't go back to sleep. there's a lot of talk and images going on inside right now but it's all mixed up and i'm confused. i keep seeing some images of D's house and some things that happened there. the body is older than kristy, who is three. in these images, i'm maybe 7 or 8, can't really tell but definitely older than 3. i can't tell who it is though. it's not samantha because her association with D is that he rescues her from the cult stuff so she doesn't hold any memories of him hurting her. i keep hearing the name ava. and i keep seeing some images of the ten year old. she never gave us a name so i am wondering if the ten year old is now letting us know that her name is ava and she is somehow involved. but the very few memories i have of the ten year old i thought had to do with my brother. but i guess it's possible that she could be involved in both situations. i'm not sure. it's all mixed up right now. just keep seeing all these new images and hearing this new name - ava. i guess it's also possibly true that ava could be a whole new alter. i don't know. i can't fall asleep again because there's so much going on in my head. I'm also hearing his voice - D's voice. i'm hearing the most disgusting things and i can't stand it. it's so creepy. it just keeps repeating over and over in my head. i feel so scared.
March 27, 2006
still feeling so much.....
feeling the most profound loneliness possible right now. also feeling sad and violated and bad and damaged. all of the feelings are so raw. i feel like i'm being buried alive by them. i can't think straight. it's all starting to shift. i can't explain it right now. i'll have to try another time.
Posted by Butterflyteam at 8:12 PM
March 26, 2006
it worked. jp was able to keep kristy aside so that when i started remembering, it was me who remembered and felt the feelings. the memories started coming and before long, i had remembered and felt the feelings that went along with that first time D abused me at 3 years old. i can't believe that i didn't remember it all until now. i'm so grateful to kristy for holding it for all these years for me. i'm glad that i am sharing it with her now. i do feel a little different inside. like part of that big black hole that encompasses my insides somehow got closed up just a tiny bit. sort of a beginning to becoming whole again. i do hope to be able to do this again with other memories, however, i need to rest a little bit first. it has been quite overwhelming.
for the past three days i have been feeling lots of not so great things as well. i feel so dirty and damaged and used and bad and disgusting. i feel like i could take a million showers and still not be able to get clean enough. i know logically that i shouldn't feel these things because at 3 years old i was in no way responsible for what happened........but........i still feel this way. i suppose it might last for a little while. hopefully not too long. i am also in this sort of fogginess. when i was remembering, it was so real and i totally felt like i was back there. i think in a way, i haven't fully returned to the present. it's an uneasy, scarey feeling that i hope will pass soon.
i know everything i'm feeling is necessary for me to feel so i can heal. i know the feelings won't last forever. but it still seems so unbearable. i'm trying to manage the feelings differently than i've managed other feelings in the past. i'm trying to take care of myself and not do the usual self harm stuff i do to avoid feeling. it's just so painful. and it really does feel different than when i felt things through my alters. i thought that was bad! well, this is so much harder. there's such a stronger connection and intensity and depth to all of these feelings. and my mind and body is still back in that place when it was happening. i guess you can call it flashbacks. i don't know. i'm still glad i did it. i do feel like i have back this piece of myself that i lost a long time ago. it's just finding a way through these feelings until the intensity lessens.
it's very draining.
Posted by Butterflyteam at 4:47 PM
March 22, 2006
important session tomorrow....
i have been headed in a direction in therapy. a direction that will lead to me - not alters - but me experiencing what happened to me as a child and feeling the feelings. i do know a lot of what happened. but it is through the alters. i have seen through them some of the things that happened. and i have felt their feelings related to what happened to them. but it's time for me to accept that what happened to them also happened to me because they are me. i need to find ways to remember what happened to me and i actually have to feel the feelings. i think by doing this, it will make their feelings less intense. i think this because i will, in a sense, be sharing the experience with them. if their feelings become less intense then maybe my life will become more manageable. maybe there won't be such extreme highs and lows. maybe there will be more of a centered-ness and peacefulness.
i have done this once before with donna. jp was able to help me remember and feel an experience. jp helped keep me from switching when i started to remember so that i could expereince it. this was a while ago and i haven't been able to do it since. but i have always felt that this was a huge key to my true healing. i feel this need to go back to many of the things that happened and experience them myself. otherwise, i feel like there will always be this separateness connected to it all. i feel like i don't really know who i am because there is just so much that happened to me that i don't remember experiencing because i was fortuante that my mind chose to create alters to help carry it all so i could survive. but i really think the time has come for me to take back these pieces of my life that my alters have been holding for me. i am grateful to them for holding onto them until i was ready.
i'm ready now, my friends. thank you for carrying all of this for so long. i want to share it with you now so i can put some of the pieces of the puzzle back together and feel whole.
i'm very nervous about tomorrow. i have been having flashes of memories about 3 year old kristy and the first time she went off with D. i think it's time i remember and feel it. i will do body work with donna (rubenfeld synergy) and will ask jp to help kristy not come forward so that i can expereince and feel what happened that first time with him. i am very scared. but i am willing.
March 16, 2006
it's after 3:00am and i can't sleep. i did fall asleep for about 2 hours but now i'm awake again. i hate this. i have to be at school late tonight for report card conferences so with barely any sleep i'm sure i'll being feeling great! i feel really nervous inside and i'm not sure why. my stomach hurts too so i think that's samantha. she always says her stomach hurts. i guess maybe she's close by. i wish we could sit with donna right now and have her hold us. we feel sad. :(
March 14, 2006
in between being present and not.....
i'm not sure what to write. kind of feeling weird. i'm not sure i can really describe it. i'm kind of out of it - feel detached but ok, i guess. sort of somewhere in between being present and not. i'm not sure what's really behind it. possibly some sort of "shutting down". i just.....i don't know. i don't know what to say. i wish i did. maybe if i just continue to ramble on, something might surface. i don't know. therapy yesterday was pretty good. donna was happy with the fact that i came in with so much i wanted to talk about. i felt good about it too. i guess in a way, that makes me feel more connected to her and in turn makes it harder to be away from her. so maybe that's why i'm feeling a need to shut down. i guess maybe i wish i could be seeing donna sooner than next monday. she said i could come in friday. i haven't decided one way or the other yet. i'm not sure what i want to do. i have report card conferences tomorrow and thursday. i'm not looking forward to it but the good thing is that it will keep me distracted and occupied and everything else inside of me will take a back seat.
Oh, i almost forgot. i signed up for a workshop next month with rhonda britten - one of the life coaches from the tv show starting over. i'm really excited about it. last summer i went to a workshop with the other life coach iyanla vanzant. it was so great. i just recently bought one of rhonda's books about fearless living. since fear of moving forward in my life has been such a huge issue for me, i thought her book might be helpful. her workshop is about her new book though - something to do with body image. this is of course a never ending issue with me so i am really looking forward to what she has to share about it. i absolutely love starting over. it has helped me so much in my healing. of course it's on during the day when i'm at school so i tape it everyday and usually watch the week's episodes on the weekend.
well, i guess i'll go do.........something. i have no idea what. i should probably try to go to sleep but of course, i'm not tired now when it's time for bed and i was exhausted all day!!! i hate that. i could barely keep my eyes open around 4:00 this afternoon and now it's after 10:30 and i'm wide awake. i wish i had someone to talk to.....
March 12, 2006
notes for therapy tomorrow....
I have so much that I want to talk to Donna about tomorrow - and we only have an hour session! Ugh! I don't know how I'll fit it all in. I need to organize my thoughts so I think I'll write out a few things that I want to mention tomorrow.
1) I want to start off with letting her know that I had a lot of insight after our session on Thursday - that although in one way I could literally feel my heart break in half, I did finally see what she has been saying a little differently. I do agree that I have probably become very "comfortable and safe" in how things were with us and that if she didn't make the changes, I don't know if I ever would have. Not that I would have gotten worse and maybe I would have even eventually moved forward but it would have happened at an incredibly slow pace and most likely allowed me to sit in more pain much longer than I maybe have to. Like Jackie said to me - if the momma bird doesn't literally push the baby birds out of the nest, they might never leave and and therefore never learn to fly.
2)I read a little about abuser values and can see a little bit how my reactions and feelings have really been abuser values, although I'm struggling with really accepting it as that because it feels so much like feelings. But I will keep exploring it. Had an inside meeting to try to regain some order inside.
3)The "being buried alive" dream again.
4)I had a really hard weekend, mainly after the trauma group on Saturday. Lost a lot of time.
5)The nice weather and my reaction to it.
6)Nikki and the baby and Jane thinking it's her fault.
7)Having some new memories - JP wanting to share some things with me about Kristy. Seeing and hearing some new things about what happened the first time with Kristy and D. Needing to find a time when I can work through it with Donna before I lose my connection to it.
8)Trust - this obviously would be an issue for me based on my past but I had some new awarenesses about it. Was thinking how I don't have any intention of getting into a relationship with anyone because I simply don't see how I could ever trust anyone. This seems so reasonable and I'm pretty sure I've been aware of this before but for some reason, this weekens, I really felt it.
9)Getting in touch with some stuff regarding my mother. Feeling some anger. Realizing my mother has no idea who I a really am. I guess some of this was sparked by watching the mothers on Starting Over admit the mistakes they have made and how their mistakes have affected their children.
Intention for the Collage and Process group following my session - I have collected a lot of images and words with having to do with feeling and being trapped. It is how I have been feeling lately. I know it has both literal and figurative meanings for me so I think it is worth exploring in the group.
*sigh* It feels overwhelming just seeing all of this written here - how will I get into each one and feel it all????
Posted by Butterflyteam at 6:30 PM
March 11, 2006
another one of those dreams...
i had another dream last night that was similar to those other dreams i had a few weeks ago - it had to do with the collapse of the world trade center. i was at the bottom again. there were things coming down on me. a lot of dirt. i know it has to do with being buried. i guess my subconscious or parts inside are trying to tell me i need to look at these particular things that happened to me. i don't think the dreams will just go away on their own.
on another note, i have a ton of things to sort out from therapy the other night. i have to leave in a few minutes for the trauma support group so i'll need to come back to this.
Posted by Butterflyteam at 9:37 AM
March 2, 2006
i really don't understand. what did i do that was so bad? really - whatever it was, i'm sorry. i'm really sorry. it must have been something horrible. whatever it was, i didn't mean it. i would never, ever want to hurt anyone. i would never, ever want to bother anyone. i know i'm too much to deal with sometimes. i guess i can't blame anyone for not wanting anything to do with me after awhile. i guess when they do look deep enough, they really can see the evil inside me. i guess they were right all those years. i guess i really did have evil inside of me. but they said they would help me get it out. maybe when i betray them by telling, the evil comes back. maybe i need to go back to their side so they can help me again. i don't know. i'm just really, really sorry that i'm so bad and always cause so much trouble. i'm sorry i take up too much space. i'm sorry i make people abandon me. i'm sorry.
March 1, 2006
still not sleeping...
i'm not really sure what's going on with this not sleeping thing. it's been a few days now. i was so exhausted all day today. i felt like a zombie walking around. when i got home tonight, my eyes were so heavy and my head was pounding. i eventually went to bed and fell asleep around 11:00pm. guess how long i slept? 15 MINUTES!!!! now it's after 12:30 and i'm back up. i'm wide awake yet feeling exhausted. i just........i don't know - feel like screaming! today was ash wednesday. not sure if that means anything. i've gotten a lot of information from alters about good friday being a bad day that things were done to me but i'm not sure about ash wednesday. i hate that these stupid cult members have taken so many holidays and normal things - like full moons and twisted all of their meanings around for me. i know the date 3/3 is a trigger. it's the double digit thing. oh wait. 3 is a big cult number. i've had big reactions to things with the number 3. it just suddenly hit me that friday is 3/3. is this why i can't sleep? i have no clue. but i suppose someone inside does!!!!!!!!!!!! ugh. i can't deal with this.