Main » July 2006
July 25, 2006
walls closing in around me......
i haven't been feeling so great lately. it's been a slow decline as the summer has gone on. there have been a LOT of feelings, triggers, memories and i can't seem to get a hold on any of it. i feel like so much is coming at me so fast and i can't make sense of any of it or sort any of it out. i often feel at a loss for words and just simply overwhelmed by feelings. i feel like the walls are closing in around me and it's getting harder and harder to breathe. i feel like i can't make heads or tails out of some things and i'm just left standing all alone not knowing what to do. i'm scared. i feel myself resorting to old ways of thinking and old patterns of behavior. sometimes i just wish there was someone here with me to comfort me. it's been hard when i haven't been able to verbalize what i'm feeling. i have words to describe some things but deep down i know that there's much more to it. there's a place that's really causing the anguish that i can't access and i can't figure out what it is and i often don't have words to even try to get to it. when i don't have words, i get frustrated. sometimes i just wish there was someone who would understand that i can't verbalize it and would just be there to comfort me - hold me. donna used to be able to do that for me. i'm feeling very alone and like a reject - so unworthy of love or comfort or anything good. i've been in such a "feeling" place that my rational mind has taken a back seat - very far in the back. i know somewhere in my head there is a small piece of me that knows there might be some good things about me but because the feelings are taking up so much space, i am not able to acces that small piece of rational mind. so when i try to explain that i'm feeling like i'm a piece of crap and someone tells me that i'm really not and tries to get me to see that, i only get more frustrated. i cannot reach any rational part of myself right now. instead, i'm drowning in feelings that are all mixed up and appear to be too overhwleming to try to sort through. the walls are closing in - tighter and tighter. i can't breathe.
July 4, 2006
The Fourth of July and Freedom....
The Fourth of July is about freedom and independence. When I teach my fourth graders about how the colonists recognized that they were being treated unfairly and decided their freedom was worth fighting for, I am always touched by the bravery and strength of these early Americans and can't help but feel empowered by their example.
I've been sitting here thinking about the things that I would like to, once and for all, be free from:
1. The anguish of eating disordered thinking.
2. A disconnection from my body.
3. The pain of memories of my abuse. (I feel it's important for me to still know what happened to me, I just wish the intense pain would no longer be attached.)
4. Lonliness. (Solitude would be a welcome feeling, just not lonely.)
5. Feeling like I'll never be good enough.
6. Feeling like I'm always bothering people or in the way.
7. Panic, anxiety, and fear.
8. Dissociation that interferes with a healthy life.
9. Unhealthy loyalties to certain family members.
10. Low self esteem and feelings of unworthiness.
I do acknowledge that it is ME that keeps me imprisoned by these things. I acknowledge that it is MY CHOICE whether or not to allow myself to be free from all of these things. It is my responsibility to do this when I feel ready. No one else can do it for me. Why don't I just make that choice right now? Honestly, I don't know why. I can only make a guess that I don't feel completely ready to. Perhaps I need to do some more healing and then I will be ready.
Posted by Butterflyteam at 2:44 PM
July 3, 2006
wanting to "go away" and not being able to...
feeling anxious right now. very uncomfortable with the fact that i ate dinner and didn't purge. i walked for a while after dinner and it helped the anxiety a little but i still wish i could go back to the restaurant and choose to purge after eating instead of being too concerned what the others would have thought if i got up right after i ate and went to the bathroom. i also didn't want to risk screwing up my eye again since it finally looks better today.
i'm also very dissociative tonight. i don't feel grounded. i remembered some new things when i was with donna tonight. now, i can't shake this nagging feeling - like something is hanging around very close to me - sort of like haunting me. i feel the need to "go away". however, that's not as easy as it used to be. now that i am experiencing (remembering and feeling) more of the things that happened to me, the less my alters have been around. I know this is the direction i need and want to go in, however, it's not easy. i realized that tonight as i was walking in the city back to the train station. i was desperately wanting to "go away" and there was no one close by to take over. i know they are still there. i can feel them close by. they still take over from time to time. but the amount of times that i actually switch completely has significantly declined. i have a lot of mixed feelings about this. but don't i have enough to feel? why does this have to be added on? i'm on overload and feel like i'm going to blow a gasket sometime soon.
a major feeling that has been so intense lately is panic/abandonment/separation anxiety. i've been experiencing intense periods of panic when i'm leaving donna or another situation/person that i've deemed "safe". it's such a young place that i go to and it seems so intense that i can barely hold onto the fact that i will get through the situation still alive. i really need to do something about this separation anxiety that i'm feeling after leaving donna. it's so bad right now. i remember being like this a long time ago but it got better. why is it back and why is it so intense? i feel like i'm doing something wrong because i feel like i'm going backwards.
Posted by Butterflyteam at 9:06 PM
July 1, 2006
i have lost absolute control this past week. i've been feeling a lot and i'm totally watching myself deal with it all by using food or rather lack of food. i can see myself trying to gain back control by not eating and even though i know it's not what i should be doing, i can't seem to stop. i've been taking the diet pills all week and they have really been working. i haven't eaten much all week. i ended up eating something today and couldn't deal with it so i purged. huge mistake. i think i popped a blood vessel in my eye. i can't see out of my left eye right now and there's this big red blob thing covering half of my eye. i'm such an idiot. i feel like a huge fat cow and i just want to cut all the fat off my body. i've had urges to cut all day and i'm trying not to. i don't know what to do to fix my eye. i'm hating myself so much right now.
Posted by Butterflyteam at 4:16 PM