Main » August 2006
August 3, 2006
food journal and therapy....
started my food journal today. it involves writing down my food but also a lot of other "subjective stuff" as the nutritionist termed it. it's challenging to say the least. i'm trying so hard to be completely honest. i'm kind of going with the theory of doing the very thing that i don't want to do because that's the thing i probably need to do the most. i'm putting down things that i know only a few months ago i would not have been able to write. i hope this is somehow going to help me. i can't see it right now so i'm just trying to trust the process and that the nutritionist knows what works and what doesn't. i feel so vulnerable. even though she told me there is no right or wrong with this, i can't help but feel like i'm doing it wrong.
i saw donna tonight and i'm struggling now afterwards. i have a bad headache and i feel so little and scared. got in touch with a memory but don't feel like i went through the whole thing so it feels unfinsihed and i feel stuck in it even though i'm not fully aware of the whole thing. but i am aware of some prevailing feelings and terrified is definitely one of them! i'm feeling like this is one of those times i would just like to sit with donna on her couch and have her hold me.
we wish we felt safe.......
i think some really bad things happened to me. why does that all of a sudden seem so true even though i have said it before? it seems more real to me at this very moment. not sure why. did i not believe it before? i thought i did. maybe i didn't. not sure. but i think some really bad things happened to me. what do i do now?
August 2, 2006
hmmm.... where to start? i'm not sure. i'm not sure if i know exactly how i feel about how it went. i had a very bad panic attack sitting in the parking lot right before i went in. but somehow i made it in the building. she was nice. she definitely had a thorough understanding of eating disorders, which is why i went to her in the first place. i'm sure all nutritionists have some understanding but i searched for one that i knew would really understand what it is like inside my eating disordered head. i found it fairly easy to talk to her and i felt heard and understood. she kept saying over and over how amazed she was at how much awareness i had and how well i was able to articulate and express my awareness and feelings. i feel so desperate for help right now that i just didn't hold back. so....what didn't feel right? nothing really. i guess i just had an expectation based on my previous experiences with nutritionists. but i suppose it could be a good thing that this was a little different because it's obvious the other experiences didn't work for me so maybe this will. i was expecting to tell her my history, get weighed and discuss a food plan. well, we spent the whole hour just talking. she didn't weigh me, in fact i didn't even see a scale in the room. (and this is after i've eaten very little for the past few days in anticipation of being weighed!). and we didn't make a food plan. she sensed that i changed a little by the end of the appointment and i was able to tell her that i was anxious to get started on eating right/healthy. she really listened to me and said she understood where i was coming from. she wants me to keep a food journal for the next week. i explained to her how uncomfortable i was with that. she listened to my concerns and we talked about how i could do it so i would be more comfortable. she wants me to try doing it a little differently than usual food journals are kept. she also said it was absolutely fine to come in next week with it blank - that it's really just for me to get more awareness. she was impressed that i was aware of why i didn't like doing it - that what i eat is part of the "secrecy" of eating disorders and it's hard for me to talk about what i eat with anyone else (she said i didn't have to show her the journal if i didn't want to) and also that i felt that i shouldn't eat because i'm not worthy of it, therefore to keep an actual record of my food is too much focus on me giving myself something when i don't feel worthy. she was surprised that i was so in touch with the fact that i was aware of these reasons behind (especially the unworthiness one) not wanting to keep the journal. i also talked a lot about the control/giving up control part of it all. when i was really uneasy towards the end i sort of came to the realization (which i was able to verbalize to her) that i was just uncomfortable because this seemed to be different than what i was used to but i'm going to just try to let go and trust that this is how it has to be done. i'm scared but i also know that my way has not worked. so wanting to leave with a food plan and knowing my weight and what was expected of me in terms of a weight loss for next week - that was all MY way. MY WAY DOES NOT WORK. that is why i went there in the first place. so just because i'm uncomfortable doesn't mean it's not good. in fact, she spent a little time talking about how comfortable i have been with my eating disorder even though i am fed up with the thougths in my head. i agree with her. even if a situation is not always good for you, there is a possibility to become very comfortable in it. she explained that it's going to be quite a challenge to do different things because it will all feel uncomfortable. it makes sense. i talked about how i know i have the awareness but can't seem to change my ways. she said that she will help me with ways to gradually change my disordered behaviors.
i guess it turned out well. i'm just feeling uneasy because i feel my comfort zone being rattled a little. that's a bit frightening to me.
August 1, 2006
Nutritionist Appointment Tomorrow...
I have an appointment with a new nutritionist tomorrow. I used to see a nutritionist a few years ago but didn't continue with it for long. I have come to a place where I need to really surrender to my eating disorders and the mental anguish they cause. I've had the number to call her for a very long time but it was only a few days ago that I actually got up enough nerve to do it. I'm not at a dangerous low weight anymore but my eating is just not right. I go for days without eating and then days where I'm completely out of control with it. My metabolism is shot. I have no energy. I need help. I've tried to get control of it for a long time but I can't. It has complete control over me. It is time that I surrender.
I'm very scared about this. It brings up issues connected with the abuse. Having control is very important for me so to go in there tomorrow knowing I need to let go and let her help me is very scary. I feel so vulnerable and that triggers old memories and feelings. Although I know in my head that this is not true, young parts inside feel as if I'm walking into a situation where they are going to get hurt. They connect not having control to something bad happening. I know I'm not losing complete control. Obviously this nutrionist can't make me do anything I'm not willing to do. But I know that in order to be healthy regarding my eating, I have to let go of the control that I try to place on it. I go to one extreme or the other - not eating or eating too much. I need to learn to let go and find a middle ground. To me, that's terrifying. It brings up feelings of not being safe.
I hate that every, single area of my life is connected to the abuse. I feel like I can't escape it.
I'm very scared about going to this appointment tomorrow. It's not like a normal person going to an appoinment with their nutritionist. For me, I feel like the second I walk through her door, I will turn into a terrified little girl who believes she is not safe and will be hurt because she is entering a place where she has to give up all control.