Health Diaries > Dissociative Identity Disorder > Butterfly Team
August 1, 2006
Nutritionist Appointment Tomorrow...
I have an appointment with a new nutritionist tomorrow. I used to see a nutritionist a few years ago but didn't continue with it for long. I have come to a place where I need to really surrender to my eating disorders and the mental anguish they cause. I've had the number to call her for a very long time but it was only a few days ago that I actually got up enough nerve to do it. I'm not at a dangerous low weight anymore but my eating is just not right. I go for days without eating and then days where I'm completely out of control with it. My metabolism is shot. I have no energy. I need help. I've tried to get control of it for a long time but I can't. It has complete control over me. It is time that I surrender.
I'm very scared about this. It brings up issues connected with the abuse. Having control is very important for me so to go in there tomorrow knowing I need to let go and let her help me is very scary. I feel so vulnerable and that triggers old memories and feelings. Although I know in my head that this is not true, young parts inside feel as if I'm walking into a situation where they are going to get hurt. They connect not having control to something bad happening. I know I'm not losing complete control. Obviously this nutrionist can't make me do anything I'm not willing to do. But I know that in order to be healthy regarding my eating, I have to let go of the control that I try to place on it. I go to one extreme or the other - not eating or eating too much. I need to learn to let go and find a middle ground. To me, that's terrifying. It brings up feelings of not being safe.
I hate that every, single area of my life is connected to the abuse. I feel like I can't escape it.
I'm very scared about going to this appointment tomorrow. It's not like a normal person going to an appoinment with their nutritionist. For me, I feel like the second I walk through her door, I will turn into a terrified little girl who believes she is not safe and will be hurt because she is entering a place where she has to give up all control.
Posted by Butterflyteam on August 1, 2006 8:46 PM
Even though you feel scared, you are doing a very brave thing. Good for you!
Posted by: The Real Me at August 1, 2006 9:14 PM
