Health Diaries > Dissociative Identity Disorder > Butterfly Team
August 01, 2006
Nutritionist Appointment Tomorrow...
I have an appointment with a new nutritionist tomorrow. I used to see a nutritionist a few years ago but didn't continue with it for long. I have come to a place where I need to really surrender to my eating disorders and the mental anguish they cause. I've had the number to call her for a very long time but it was only a few days ago that I actually got up enough nerve to do it. I'm not at a dangerous low weight anymore but my eating is just not right. I go for days without eating and then days where I'm completely out of control with it. My metabolism is shot. I have no energy. I need help. I've tried to get control of it for a long time but I can't. It has complete control over me. It is time that I surrender.
I'm very scared about this. It brings up issues connected with the abuse. Having control is very important for me so to go in there tomorrow knowing I need to let go and let her help me is very scary. I feel so vulnerable and that triggers old memories and feelings. Although I know in my head that this is not true, young parts inside feel as if I'm walking into a situation where they are going to get hurt. They connect not having control to something bad happening. I know I'm not losing complete control. Obviously this nutrionist can't make me do anything I'm not willing to do. But I know that in order to be healthy regarding my eating, I have to let go of the control that I try to place on it. I go to one extreme or the other - not eating or eating too much. I need to learn to let go and find a middle ground. To me, that's terrifying. It brings up feelings of not being safe.
I hate that every, single area of my life is connected to the abuse. I feel like I can't escape it.
I'm very scared about going to this appointment tomorrow. It's not like a normal person going to an appoinment with their nutritionist. For me, I feel like the second I walk through her door, I will turn into a terrified little girl who believes she is not safe and will be hurt because she is entering a place where she has to give up all control.
Posted by Butterflyteam on August 1, 2006 08:46 PM
Even though you feel scared, you are doing a very brave thing. Good for you!
Posted by: The Real Me at August 1, 2006 09:14 PM
Maybe you could think about the appointment as you taking control of your situation, or at least attempting to take back some control of your life by walking into that nutritionist’s office. Afterall your legs are carrying you, you're the one who will speak for you, and agree or disagree with something. It's probably more of an illusion that your eating disorder (or my new term for it: eating Imbalance) is in control. I was sexually abused as a child and through to my mid-teens. I'm 43 years old now and while I can’t say I’ve felt your exact feelings, I have certainly felt similar to what you've felt on how it pervades all the areas of your life. The more I got my head together (not that it's complete or anything) the more I could see my eating style differently and stop taking on that shameful feeling that "Something was wrong with me." There wasn't something wrong with me when the abuser settled on me to abuse, there's nothing wrong with me now! I guess that's how this scared little girl stood up. I did confront my abusers eventually and told them what I thought about it all as well as the fact they no longer had power over me. After that I had to take more responsibility for how I treated myself. I'm probably not saying this as well as I'd like to. I'd mostly like to say that you're doing a good thing for yourself even if it feels uncomfortable right now, and I want to say that you are not the sum of the creepy feelings your abusers heaped onto you. You are more than your eating habits and the wonderful you is shining bright lights through the curtains of your situation even now when it may seem incredibly dark. I like to think that working on myself to get better is the best way to triumph over abusers, because they can't keep me down even with the nightmarish memories of what they did to me, they can't keep me down! I hope that the nutritionist helps you in some way or comforts you in some way. You're still here and that tells me the strength is there somewhere within you. There's still a part that the abusers never got to touch and that's what's in you fighting for you even still. God bless you and keep you ever safe in the future! Ij
Posted by: Ijellorca at August 2, 2006 11:51 AM
Much will have more... Lancelot
Posted by: Lancelot at November 21, 2006 11:13 AM
A bad workman quarrels with his tools... Ferdinand
Posted by: Ferdinand at November 21, 2006 11:23 AM
Don't count your chickens before they are hatched... Jeremy
Posted by: Jeremy at November 21, 2006 11:37 AM
