Main » November 2006
November 12, 2006
stuck in a memory....
i haven't been stuck in a memory like this in a long time. it started yesterday. the date was triggering for us - 11/11. we saw donna and samantha talked about what would happen to us on this date. i haven't been able to leave it behind. i've been stuck in this memory since yesterday and it's been really, really hard. all i want is to be with donna. i just need to be safe. i haven't been like this in a long time. i forgot how hard it is - to feel like i can't function, to feel like i need to be with donna just to feel safe, to not be able to access any adult part of me to help rationalize that i am safe and don't need donna. i hate this i hate this i hate this. all i hear in my head is........i want my mom i want my mom i can't breathe my throat is all closed up please help me please. and all i see in my head is........that room.........and all of them........and samantha's body being passed around.
i can't get away from it. i can't get away and i just want donna.
November 7, 2006
i hate when something happens and it triggers old feelings of abandonment. i KNOW that these things that happen in the present really aren't about me being abandoned, but it's still so hard to separate the past from now. it really sucks. donna is sick so i didn't see her yesterday. i KNOW she would have been there if she could and her canceling had nothing to do with me. jackie told me at the last minute today that she couldn't run with me today because she had to reschedule a doctor's appointment for today. i KNOW she would have run if she could and it had nothing to do with me. tomorrow i'm not seeing my nutritionist because she is away at a conference. i KNOW she would have seen me if she was here and it has nothing to do we me. i emailed holly on saturday because i was having a hard time and i missed her and the trauma group but she didn't write back to me. (this one i'm not sure about. i'm guessing she could have emailed me back if she really wanted to.) so if i KNOW that the majority of these things aren't about me, why am i not handling it well at all? why did i come home from school at 3:00 today and go to bed feeling so depressed? why did i end up cutting tonight after not doing it for so long? i guess because i can't deal when these things trigger old feelings of abandonment. i probably could have handled any one of these things separately but all four together, one right after the other, just pushed me over the edge as far as the abandonment feelings go. it's the fucking worst feeling in the world. i feel like i want to die.
November 5, 2006
marathon....one year later
today is the new york city marathon. i'm feeling really sad sitting here watching it on tv. i want more than anything to be there running. i didn't get in this year. because it's such a popular marathon, you are picked randomly through a lottery. i know it's probably a good thing that i wasn't picked. it would have been very difficult to train this year because i started graduate school. even though i know it would have been an even bigger struggle to run this year than last year, i still feel sad and miss it. last year at this time, we were getting ready and lining up on the verrazano bridge. i had no idea what to expect ahead of me because it was my first time running a marathon. but somehow i made it and it was a wonderful experience.
other than sadness, not running this year has brought up some other feelings. one day this past week when i saw a commercial for the marathon i felt sad and then i was suddenly hit with an overwhelming sense of felling like a failure. i had to stop and think about that. why do i feel like a failure for not running this year? i can understand the sadness because of just missing being a part of the excitement, but failure? i did run it last year. isn't that suppossed to make me feel successful? but i'm not running THIS year. as i sorted through what i was feeling i realized i couldn't escape that failure feeling. i feel like i need to constantly prove myself. prove that i am worthy of being alive, of taking up space on this planet. by not running the marathon this year, i'm not doing enough to prove that i'm worthy of bring alive. i feel like a failure.
i don't think i'm even going to be able to watch the whole thing on tv. it's really, really hard to watch and not be a part of it.
it's 10:10am - the start cannon just went off. :-(
November 2, 2006
not feeling right.....
i'm not doing well at the moment. i was in bed trying to fall asleep but i can't. i feel anxious and all jumpy inside but it's sort of different from the usual anxiety. i can't really explain. i don't know how. i just don't feel right. it started yesterday. last night wasn't too good. then the feelings weren't so present at work today, which was good, but they have been back since i've been home tonight. there are a lot of feelings along the line of "i'm just no good". but it seems more than that. i feel despair and desperation i think too. i don't really know for sure. i just know i don't feel right and it feels strong and powerful. i don't think it's an alter. i think it's feelings. but i don't really know where they're coming from specifically and i don't know their significance right now. i'm scared.