Health Diaries > Dissociative Identity Disorder > Butterfly Team
January 17, 2007
i suck.....
that pretty much says it all.
i woke up this morning with nothing but feelings of wanting to disappear.....or in other words...die. i feel hopeless about ever getting better from these eating diorders and escaping the battle going on in my head. the eating disorder voices are screaming at me and i can't get away from them. i drove to work trying to find a way to disappear. if i just kept on driving would i eventually drive off the face of the earth? i didn't know where to go or what to do so i somehow ended up at work. i saw judi after work. i went in there completely hopeless. but after an intense hour and fifteen minutes, i ended up leaving feeling slightly different. i wasn't thrilled to be alive but at least i didn't feel like i needed to die....at least not right away. i felt the tiniest bit of hope that maybe i could fight this. judi can be pretty convincing at times that it is very possible to not only fight this battle against the eating disorders but to actually be able to win the battle. we talked a little about what a goal of mine could be and how we can begin to work on it. i felt that it was ok enough to try.
now.....a few hours later, i've screwed up again with behaviors and i feel like a failure again and i feel hopeless. i can hear judi's voice in my head right now telling me that it's the ED telling me all this trying to take my tiny bit of hope away. we've been reading the book Life Without Ed because judi wants me to learn how to separate the ED voice from my voice. but i can't seem to do that yet.
feeling hopeless sucks. i suck. i hate myself.
Posted by Butterflyteam on January 17, 2007 05:12 PM
Feeling hopeless does suck. But it is, in fact, a feeling and feelings are not always reality. The reality is that though you feel hopeless, you are not hopelessly condemned to remain stuck in an ED. And, though you feel hate toward yourself, you are actually very loveable. Feelings do suck, but they pass. I hope these awful feelings pass for you soon. Take GOOD care of yourself.
Posted by: The Real Me at January 17, 2007 08:30 PM
Sorry you're having a hard time. Do you have any close friends you can confide in and lean on?
Posted by: Rachel at January 18, 2007 03:02 PM
I know the feeling of just waking up and for whatever reason, not feeling like the day is worth living for. No reason. it just happens.
Also-- I'm with you on the struggle to separate your voice from that of the eating disorder. My therapist (ironically, also named Judy), is big into the book "Life Without Ed" as well. My problem though, is that I just can not separate myself into me and the eating disorder. My thoughts are still *my* thoughts, even if they are eating disordered. But that doesn't make the eating disorder itself, a separate entity; a friend I can throw my arm around and say "hey, buddy! How's it going'?"
I can, at times, realize when my thoughts are not healthy, or when they are eating disordered, but most of the time I don't think about my thoughts, ya know? They're just there.
Anyhow, hope your day goes ok.
Take care,
Wendy
Posted by: Wendy at February 6, 2007 06:01 AM
I am a 18 year old male from Houston Texas. I got your blog from googling "I fucking hate anxiety." I do not suffer from and "ED" or anything like that. However, I for many years now have had the same feeling of hopelessness. Lost, no where to go and if you do go what's the point? I also feel that my anxiety will never go away and I have tried being optimistic but, it seems I have been lying to myself for two years. But, still of course all these feelings will go away and things will get better (I hope)... Words of wisdom I hope:
Is that gash in your leg
Really why you have stopped?
‘Cause I’ve noticed all the others
Though they’re gashed, they’re still going
‘Cause I feel like the real reason
That you’re quitting, that you’re admitting
That you’ve lost all the will to battle on
Will the fight for our sanity
Be the fight of our lives?
Now that we’ve lost all the reasons
That we thought that we had
Still the battle that we’re in
Rages on till the end
With explosions, wounds are open
Sights and smells, eyes and noses
But the thought that went unspoken
Was understanding that you’re broken
Still the last volunteer battles on
Battles on
Battles on
- The Gash by The Flaming Lips
Signed,
Me Also?
Posted by: Me Also? at July 8, 2007 04:16 AM
