April 26, 2006

Tail Spin

For most of my growing up life 75% of me didn't think that I was going to live that long.

I figured I would reach 21 but I never thought that I would reach 25.

During each downward spiral of depression I always wonder if this will be the one that I don't get back up from.

It's morbid but it just is how it is.

25% of me however, always thought I would make it through.

I think that 25% of me pulled me through my deepest darkest moments.

I'm 30 now.

I turned 30 last Thanksgiving.

I'm 30 and I am looking at the wreckage of my life and I wonder how in the hell did I get here?

I haven't finished college.

I have a job at a store that is owned by my parents.

I have loads of debt from hospital stays and college loans from my many failed attempts to get through school.

I dont feel like I have good options in front of me because even though I am still alive, I am still sick.

I haven't "beaten" depression.

It still kicks me in the ass pretty badly on at least a monthly basis.

I just don't know what to do.

I just really don't know what to do.

Posted by Rai at 01:12 PM | Comments (0)

April 05, 2006

Depression Has Got Me By the Short Hairs

I am having a really bad time of it right now.

My depression has got me by the short hairs.

I'm trying to keep a stiff upper lip and just deal with it as people would prefer that I do but man...

I'm struggling.

I know that when people compare my life to other people's lives they are just trying to show me that I could have it worse.

Being depressed doesn't make me stupid.

I am completely and totally aware of the fact that other people have worse things going on in their lives than I do.

Really I got it.

So not only am I wrestling with my depression, I am wrestling with my temper.

Because when people so grandly point out that I "don't have it that bad", I must then resist the urge to kick the shit out of them.

I am very tired.

I have insomnia.

I am unhappy with my life.

I just don't know what to say anymore.

Posted by Rai at 11:25 PM | Comments (0)

March 30, 2006

If only it were that easy

I have to be at work in less than an hour.

I am still all wild haired and pajama-clad.

I dont feel well but I dont think I am getting another cold.

The world feels heavy on my shoulders.

That is never a good sign.

Heavy depression usually falls on me right after I become aware of gravity.

I am worried about money.

A is planning on going back to school full time this fall.

She will have financial aid and mostly likely a part-time job but still the money is going to change.

That makes my insides quake uncomfortably.

The one thing that is not great about my job is the money.

The fact that I make as much as I do and can still afford to pay two part time people in a business that is just under two years old says really good things about how the store is going.

But it doesn't change the fact that I need more money.

Now.

The North Carolina lottery became official today.

I should go to the gas station and win $100,000 from a scratch ticket this afternoon.

If only it were that easy.

I can buy a glimmer of hope from the scratch ticket.

I wish I could spend my hard-earned and too few dollars on a cure for this oppressive hollowness that is stealing through my soul.

If only it were that easy.

I have to go gather myself up and go make a bunch of money at work now.

If only it were that easy.

Posted by Rai at 10:16 AM | Comments (0)

March 14, 2006

Boring Day

Today is a workday.

It's pretty dead around here because of Spring break.

Part of me is excited that I might be able to paint more of my army, the other part of me is bummed because my sweetie is going out of town tonight. *pout*

She'll be back tomorrow, but still. *pouts some more*

I am going to play some Warmachine today.

I know this is'nt an exciting post, but mostly I just wanted to continue to speak.

peace

Posted by Rai at 11:28 AM | Comments (1)

March 13, 2006

laptops and the flu

I finally have my laptop.

It is tiny (2.5lbs) and lovely and I can come to the bookstore and do some writing!

yay!

Except that the first day of my long awaited laptop/bookstore combo comes on a day when I am really not feeling terribly well.

I am going to try to blog more again.

My self imposed vow of mostly silence is starting to wear me out.

It extended past the blogging, this vow of mostly silence, I stopped everything.

I used to do three pages of long hand morning pages everyday as well as blogging throughout the day and then a page or two of paper journaling and bits of creative writing in the evening.

Once I stopped doing my creative writing, I found that I really couldn't stand the sound of my journaling voice and then finally I just stopped everything.

Now that I have the laptop I think I would like to get back to some creative writing and I think for me that means I have to do all the other writing as well.

I thought I would be grumpy about that but I am finding that I really am not.

I started part of a story yesterday morning and I have been thinking poetry again for the first time in quite some time.

So writing again, yes, I think so.

But also this flu that seems to be trying to get me.

Everyone around me seems to have a cold but I woke up feeling all achy-in-my-bonesy which makes me think flu.

But today is not a day for feeling icky.

Today is a day of new computers in the bookstore and sitting and basking in the afterglow of my long overdue meeting of mind and body with my sweetie. (and no the long overdue part is not indicative a relationship falling apart, think flu, think yeast, think crimson tides, all those things back to back and some time must elapse, we are good and fine and wonderful - better than new laptops in the bookstore even)

So I am sitting here in the bookstore feeling the words float around this place and watching definitions fall where they may and I am content with my place and I am speaking again.

Posted by Rai at 01:32 PM | Comments (0)