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April 18, 2005

Hopes and Dreams and Goals AKA who the f**k wants to study music anyway

Today the weight of this entire failed semester (life?) hit me full in the chest.
I have been winded and sore because of it all day.
I was at school for the first time in a week or so.
More specifically I was at the school of music.
I remembered why it is so hard to be there.
Aside from it being a place of learning, it is a place of dreams.
The people in the school of music are working towards their dreams.
My dreams are there too.
My dreams haunt the halls and the practice rooms and the studios with all the other dreams that were broken on the edges of life.
Why does the dream happen for some and not others?
I alternate between burning rage and ice-edged hollowness.
If I wasnt depressed would I be up there too?
If the stain of mental illness didn't touch me, would I get to be a whole person with hopes and dreams and goals?
I guess I will never know.

Posted by Rai at 06:58 PM | Comments (1)

April 14, 2005

Multiple Blog Personality Disorder AKA Xanax take me away

I have lots of blogs.
I seem to start a new one with each new swing of the pendulum.
It's a cycle ya know?
I feel bad so I start writing about feeling bad in my blogs.
Then I feel guilty about carrying on about how depressed I am and want to write about it somewhere else.
So I start a new blog.
I have lots of blogs.
I have five other blogs that I mostly keep up with now.
Well by mostly I mean kind of.
And by five I mean two.
This space is new and scary for me.
I mean everyone here knows I have depression so I dont have to feel bad about writing about it.
I feel guilty about feeling guilty about writing about being depressed.
I dont have my normal reasons to run and hide and feel worse about things.
I will probably end up blogging more in my other ones now and this one will become a specter of depressed expectations hanging over my shoulder.
Or maybe I will write here everyday, happy to have a space where I am allowed to be me.
Who knows.
But the sun is up and I am tired.
My brain spins out of control faster even than the Xanax that was supposed to allow me to sleep.
I will figure out what kind of space this is for me another time.
I have to go and face a few of my other demons right now...

Posted by Rai at 06:30 AM | Comments (0)