April 18, 2005
Hopes and Dreams and Goals AKA who the f**k wants to study music anyway
Today the weight of this entire failed semester (life?) hit me full in the chest.
I have been winded and sore because of it all day.
I was at school for the first time in a week or so.
More specifically I was at the school of music.
I remembered why it is so hard to be there.
Aside from it being a place of learning, it is a place of dreams.
The people in the school of music are working towards their dreams.
My dreams are there too.
My dreams haunt the halls and the practice rooms and the studios with all the other dreams that were broken on the edges of life.
Why does the dream happen for some and not others?
I alternate between burning rage and ice-edged hollowness.
If I wasnt depressed would I be up there too?
If the stain of mental illness didn't touch me, would I get to be a whole person with hopes and dreams and goals?
I guess I will never know.
Posted by Rai on April 18, 2005 06:58 PM
Hi Rai :)
I read your posts. I'm so sorry the meds aren't helping anymore.
But let's never say never, k?
I'm 42 and was disabled at 37 with Fibromyalgia. There is a chicken & egg discussion among docs, but the d*mn depression came AFTER I lost my life as I knew it to FMS.
I now suffer from major depressive disorder, anxiety attacks, and new-agoraphobia, I cannot leave the house. My docs have me changing from Paxil to Cymbalta, supposedly a new wonder drug, and the 7 weeks so far of the weaning off Paxil (50mg, down 10/wk) and starting Cymbalta 30mg, which made me feel better the 2nd and 3rd days and that was it...now looking forward to new rx for 60mg..maybe that'll help. I'm soooo tired, and in pain, and depressed. I am dizzy and light headed, and week and fatigued so I'm pretty much bedridden. The tears just stream down my face for no specific reason. YES, often for lost hopes and dreams. So I understand what you are talking about.
15 years? Yikes. Bless your heart. Are you still working with docs to try for help?
I am lucky in that I had my career, I had my early marriage and divorce and my beautiful daughter who was 12 when was dx'd. I have a very supportive mother and now my Jen (daughter) is 19 and also very supportive. Oops, always mention the men last--my husband Frank of 6 years, my miracle after 12 years of celibacy and 1 year of being sooooo sick I was pretty much bedridden then too. He supports me and cares for me and does so much for me. I don't know what I'd do without him.
Know today as I lie in bed and pray, again, I will say a prayer for you too Rai.
Hugs and Blessings, Judy
http://www.healthdiaries.com/blogs/fibromyalgialife
Posted by: Judy at May 12, 2005 09:13 AM