And the Four Right Chords Can Make Me Cry

"I'm fine, I'll be fine." Maybe not.

Thu, 14 Apr 2005 12:53:21 -0800

I've been fighting with my boyfriend more frequently lately. He keeps telling me I need to go to the doctor. I keep telling myself that I'm fine, and I'm not really that screwed up, but he begs to differ. He thinks that I'm at the point where I absolutely do need to seek some help. I still don't believe him, but he says that just from what I tell him, I need to get help. I keep thinking that my anxiety is normal, my self-loathing is normal, my intense mood swings are normal, the hypochondriasis is normal...my depression is normal. I know that if I go, they'll just tell me that I'm experiencing life anxiety or something like that. And I don't want to just be handed a freaking pill to start taking. I'm so scared of being on medication. I don't want it to change me, I don't want side effects, I just want to feel normal. And just when I think that I am and do feel normal, something happens and I get so upset that I just scream at the top of my lungs, and then get this horrible nagging empty feeling in my stomach that won't go away. I just want it to be over.

I'm so scared.

Thinking about cliff-diving...

Wed, 23 Mar 2005 10:25:32 -0800

Today has been absolutely horrible. The weather outside even matches it...just gray and cold and damp. It started out horrible, and it's continued to stay that way. This morning when I took my boyfriend home before school, he wasn't very nice to me, and I just felt ugly and stupid and worthless. I hate that I let people feel that way. I know I shouldn't, but there's nothing I can do to keep from feeling that way ALL THE TIME. When he got out of the car, he wasn't even going to tell me he loved me...the only reason he did was because I said "I love you" as he was about to close the door. So that was a bad start. When I got to school, I was walking up the steps and I noticed a penny lying heads down on one of them, like it was strategically placed there to remind me that today was going to suck and that I wanted to jump off a cliff. I really would like to jump off a cliff, but not having any guts is another of my many flaws. Then, we had to take our Algebra II test today, and I knew I was going to fail, but it was disappointing and draining anyway. I've become so angry and drained from not being taught correctly that I think I've stopped caring. I didn't even really care when I turned in my test with twelve questions blank and the rest mostly guesses. I have absolutely no emotional energy anymore, and nearly no physical energy as well. I hate how I feel. I hate hating myself, as contradictory as that may sound. I hate being bipolar, I hate worrying about everything, I hate caring about everything. I hate feeling like I have nothing to look forward to and like I want to drive my car off a cliff to see if anyone notices. This is a horrible way to live.

I miss being a little girl. And it's only going to get worse.

An Analogy...

Mon, 21 Mar 2005 10:50:14 -0800

I haven't been good with updating this journal lately, but I recently received a comment on my last entry. I don't know this man, but Matthew Bunkall of England gave me a great outlook that I normally have trouble seeing.

"Fitting in is simply being prepared to be around those that are different you don't need to change to fit in. I have never seen any fruits change to fit in my nans fruit bowl, the Apples, Pears, Grapes, oranges and bannanas. They are all fruit, all very different and all taste good."

I've tried to think of people in society (and myself) this way, but it's always too hard because I can't stop comparing myself to everyone I see. I have an inferiority complex. I don't know Matthew, but I would really love to give him a hug and tell him thank you and that he is a beautiful person, because he made me think--even if just for a second--that it was okay for me not to look and act like everyone else. That was one of the best ways I have ever heard this concept portrayed. Thank you so much, Matthew.

If only there were more compassionate people in the world...

Being Here...It Hurts

Mon, 14 Feb 2005 10:22:21 -0800

Being at school is such a hard thing to get through every day now. I hate everything here as well as everyone here. I walk through the halls feeling more alone than I've ever felt in my life, looking at people conversing with their friends in their little groups. I feel like I'm the only one that doesn't belong in one of those groups. I see the people that have been my friends in the past...and I don't really miss being friends with them...but I feel rather that I'm missing out on what they're doing, whether I want to do it too or not. I feel like a lot of people here are stealing my identity from me. I have my own way of dressing, my own way of thinking about things, and my own way of being who I am. When I see someone (especially someone that I used to be close with) doing something that reminds me of myself...I feel HURT and as if the one thing I have has been taken away from me. I hate this so much. I am so horribly depressed, and I feel like there's nothing here for me other than one exception--the boy whom I am in love with and loves me. So, when I'm taken out of that comfort zone, and put back somewhere where I don't belong--or somewhere that has been taken over by false advertising--I feel this horrible sense of self-hatred, severe depression, and SO SO SO lost. I am so lost. I am so lost. I am so lost. I am so lost.

I am so lost.

Prison

Tue, 08 Feb 2005 11:44:37 -0800

School...
Is...

PRISON!!

No joke. It really is.

I just don't know.

Thu, 03 Feb 2005 11:42:38 -0800

I haven't written in a few days-- I feel like everything I write is trivial and small. I've been pretty confused and stressed out the past week. I just can't stop thinking about all these things and they're crowding my mind and my emotions and making me want to just end it. Don't worry, I won't...I don't have the guts...plus I would NEVER hurt my boyfriend like that. I just keep feeling depressed and letting everything get to me, rather than doing anything about it. It's terrible. Sometimes I just don't know what to do. I feel sort of trapped sometimes. Like, I'm in this routine and I'm never going to get out of it...and I'm just going to die without having done anything to validate myself as a person. I don't know...I'm just rambling...letting my fingers to the talking rather than anything else. Of course...sometimes I just think too much, so maybe this is a good thing. I don't know... Take care everybody. Especially you, Pilgrim. We all care about you!

Not Getting Better

Wed, 26 Jan 2005 11:00:00 -0800

Yesterday was a horrible day. When it started, it just wouldn't stop. It went from horribly angry for a few hours, finally to sadness and depression. When I came out of it, I saw how childish it looked like I was being. Just sitting there pouting and making an argument out of everything. I wonder if it's me that makes all these little arguments, or if he really is just being a jerk. I don't know. I just know it's getting ridiculous. I shouldn't be like this. And there's too much anxiety going on. Yesterday, in keyboarding class, I was looking at the typing assignment I needed to do, and nearly cried. I always feel so overwhelmed and anxious. I DON'T want to feel like that. I don't really have much else to say. I feel weird...

Here's a poem I wrote today:

Inside

already in my casket
predetermined doom
hands tied
I HAVE to be like this
no hope, no guidance
someone get me out!
only me, only me, only me.
dark inside
so much hopeful light--
obscured
in the pain, stubborn pain
I HAVE BEEN RUINED!
by my own device.
I wish I had the remote [control]
if I can't change it,
I may as well not live.
this way of living--
ISN'T living.
I do want to live. I do.

I'll admit...it's not one of my best. But it made me feel a little bit better. It seems like I write better when not inspired...or when I just make something up out of nowhere. What a weirdo I am...

It's Today Again

Mon, 24 Jan 2005 11:05:47 -0800

Well, I see my journal has been included in the scrolling list on the homepage! I'm excited about that. The other day, I was asking someone how one comes to have their journal in those listings. I know I don't have any SEVERE problems, or so I think, but I really enjoy this site and most of the people I've come to meet here so far. I hate Mondays. I know that's cliche, but I hate them because there are so many days left in the school week, plus I have to go to choir. In choir, I sit there for two hours looking at the clock every minute and anticipating it being over. I used to LOVE going to choir...but now it seems as if it's a chore. There's nothing enjoyable about it anymore. Nothing but, "oh we have to do great at contest so we can go to state!" And everyone there is just annoying. They do everything wrong, and don't even pay attention to the details. When someone corrects something, they do it right once, and then continue to do it incorrectly. It's just a big nerve-trap. It makes me crazy. Barely anyone in choir is my friend anymore. A lot of the people are new, and the old people (with the exception of Angi and I) are not fun anymore, and just annoy us with their cute little voices and inside jokes. I'm so sick of it.
This weekend was an emotional roller coaster. I was on top of the world one minute, and then out of NOWHERE...I couldn't stand being alive. At one point in the middle of Saturday night, I started freaking out and wanting to rip my soul out of my body. I couldn't stand myself...or the way anything was. It seemed that everything was nothing but irritating. I finally was able to just fall asleep. That made it better. But, it's almost like I can feel the change coming on. I can tell when it's going to go downhill and keep going downhill. My boyfriend says that knowing that will make it easier to control. He says that if I know something's going to make me start, I should not let it get to me, brush it off, and continue with what I'm doing. It's just not that easy for me. It's almost like a wave of heat washing over me. It's so hard to explain. I wish there was someone inside my head who could just dictate to everyone what I mean. I guess that's why I write poetry. I've never added any poetry on this site. Perhaps I should.
-- There will be a poetry section added for your reading pleasure.

--By the way...if my journal seems organized and often about nothing, it's because I find comfort in writing down my thoughts...and they're usually at random. I jump back and forth a lot too.

***I'm sorry, folks...I don't know how to add a poetry page. Could someone please comment and explain to me how I can have a link to my poetry...like others have links to art and such? I don't have the poetry anywhere on the internet yet, so I will have to create that as well. I plan to just copy it on a page and then have the link to it on here. I'm in the dark, though...help me out, please?

The Inauguration of Hell

Thu, 20 Jan 2005 13:33:47 -0800

Well, folks...today is that fateful day when that stupid little monkey face man gets re-inaugurated for another FOUR YEARS. Those of you that voted for him...don't go crying to anyone when the American people absolutely die out. It will happen. Oh, and I can't forget to mention that while this unnecessary but ongoing war is happening, President Bush is having a party with costs of MILLIONS of dollars for it. So, I guess security or anything doesn't matter as long as our so-called President gets to have his expensive bash. Anyway, I joined thousands of other people in not spending ONE CENT today as a protest to get the government's attention that WE DON'T NEED TO BE AT WAR, and because we are, WE NEED TO BE ASSISTING THEM! These Republicans and their sick, twisted ways of operating.

On another note...I think I am going to have to see a doctor. I think that I've been in denial about the bipolar disorder thing. I'm beginning to think that I really do have it. Yesterday, I was in this horrible mood all of a sudden, and acted like a COMPLETE BITCH for quite a few hours. Then, a little bit later...happy as a clam. It happens like that WAY too much. I think it's time to seek help, as much as I don't want to. I'm worried they'll just tell me that it's normal teenage anxiety. Or that they'll put me on medication that will make me a different person. I always figured that if I was made this way, that's the way I'm supposed to be and I shouldn't be taking medication to change that. But, I don't know...

Fresh Start

Tue, 18 Jan 2005 11:43:14 -0800

Today was the first day of our second semester at school. At my school, we go by semesters and you only take your classes half a year. So, today I started completely new classes. I hate pretty much all of them except for Music Appreciation and Psychology. The ones I hate are Algebra II and Keyboarding. I guess I will just have to deal with them until school is over in May-- or June...or whenever those Nazis decide to let us out.

Anyway, in addition to it being the first day of the new semester, it is also my five month anniversary with my boyfriend. I'm very happy with that. =) As I told him last night, these have been five of the best months of my life. I have someone to support me, love me, and help me through everything. That sounds like a pretty good deal to me. Hopefully, there will be many more months filled with love to come. =)

It's almost time for school to be over...then I have my voice lesson. I'm kind of worried, because the music competition I do every year is THIS Saturday, and I haven't really been practicing outside of my lesson. I should probably start doing that. Plus, my voice has been weird for the past few weeks. I keep losing it...and I have WAY too much phlegm in my throat.

--Announcements are on. I must be on my way. I wish everyone a lovely day.

Sad-ur-day.

Sat, 15 Jan 2005 15:31:46 -0800

Well, my sweet little cat Molly died last night. This is one of the most devastating things to happen to me recently. The MedVets thought that she might have a liver dysfunction, and that might be the reason why she was so damn sick. So, they gave us medicine and told us to start her on it, twice a day. My dad and I gave her the medicine last night, and the second we gave it to her, she seemed to immediately progress downward. A short while later, she was laying stretched out on my dad's bedroom floor, struggling to breathe and literally crying out. It was the most horrible thing I've ever had to see, and I fled the room in tears. There are few things worse than watching an animal (especially one which you love) be in so much pain and know that there's nothing you can do about it. When I woke up today, my dad came toward me with his arms extended and said "come here". I immediately knew what he was going to tell me, and wanted to just run out the door and keep running forever so I wouldn't have to hear it. But instead, I let him tell me, and I sobbed for quite some time. I miss Molly so much, and I will love her forever.

Good grief, I have no idea what the hell I am going to do with myself when a PERSON I love dies. My God, I can't even keep myself together when John Ritter or Todd from Suddenly Susan dies. What the hell am I going to do? Oy, gevalt. I am a mess.

On a lighter note, I made dinner for my boyfriend and we sat down at the table with my dad there and all had a conversation. It was nice. Things like that don't happen much around here anymore. I really value the relationships I have with people.

"Yesterday all my troubles seemed so far away..."

Thu, 13 Jan 2005 06:06:11 -0800

Yesterday was a seemingly good day for me...until I arrived home from school and my mood just sped right downhill. I came home to at least eight puddles of some form of cat excrement. You see, one of my cats is very sick...she's been having some sort of seizures, and she's been progressively getting sicker. She can't make it to the bathroom sometimes, so when she has to go she just does it right where she is and lays in it. Anyway, I came home and the puddles were all over my kitchen and laundry room, and her eyes looked like they were completely glazed over. She seemed almost delirious. Later, when my dad tried to pick her up, she made funny meowing noises--she NEVER meows. So, I spend a good half hour on the phone with two different vets, and then had to make the decision on whether to drive her an hour to the Emergency Vets or to wait until today afternoon. In the meantime, my friend and I are trying to make a pie for our Pie Day in English class. There was so much stress going on, and I am TERRIBLE at making decisions. I had no idea what to do. So, I went to pick up my boyfriend and see what he thought. We decided that it wouldn't make much difference when we took her since she's been sick for over a month. Alas, for all I know right now, we're taking her to the vet when I get home from school.

--I'm being kicked out of the library now so some stupid organization can have their meeting. I suppose I must be on my way. Corrupt bastards.

Reflections

Tue, 11 Jan 2005 07:56:42 -0800

Once again, greetings everyone! Pilgrim, I read your reply to my comment on your journal-- and all I have to say is =D !! It's great to be able to communicate with you after reading about your life for so long. It's like finally meeting a friend that you've been talking to on the telephone.

Yesterday was a crazy day. For some odd reason, I was energetic and joyful nearly the entire day. I laughed like a maniac and had a grand time. Now, this is such a strange concept to me, but sometimes the things that I enjoy and love the most can ruin my mood in a snap. I have no idea why, I just know that when I went to pick up my boyfriend, it was like all of a sudden I crashed, and that energetic feeling I had all day was just turned into weird-feeling. I couldn't really describe how I felt, just that I felt odd. And that's what it was, odd. I just didn't feel right, and I had a headache. But, today's a new day, right? I might as well just forget about it.

I'm in my Economics class at school right now, and it's time for the bell-- so I must part.

The Beginning

Thu, 06 Jan 2005 13:22:31 -0800

Hello everyone. As you can see, my name is Sarah, and I'm seventeen years old. I know that everyone on the site has some sort of medical condition, be it mental health, physical, or weight loss...etc. I can't truthfully say that I have a professional diagnosis, but I have my own personal diagnoses. =) I really believe that I have bipolar disorder, if only a mild form of it. Nearly all the time, I'm either extremely energetic and happy or I'm just plain down and bitchy/sad. It's terrible, because not only does it affect me, but it affects my boyfriend, my friends, my family, and anyone else I come in contact with. It's really just a big obstacle. It only takes the tiniest thing for me to flip out and want to crawl out of my skin and die somewhere. I refuse to see a doctor about it, because it's part of who I am. I want anything but to be not what I am. I think everyone should want that.

I also tend to be a bit obsessive compulsive...but sometimes it's not so bad. I'm pretty sure I got it in my heredity, because both my father and his mother really show the OCD. I just check things, worry about things, and think of the worst possible scenarios. =) Oh, and I can't forget that I always worry about getting illnesses and such. It's so draining...

Anyway, I joined this website because I stumbled upon it while doing a research paper for my english class on Dissociative Identity Disorder. I began reading Pilgrim's Journey, and became very interested and inspired. Pilgrim seems like a wonderful woman, who is very very strong and beautiful. I really look up to her. Her diary also provided me with something I couldn't find in a book: insight. I believe that's quite a valuable thing. So, after reading Pilgrim's diary, I really wanted to be able to communicate with her. Now that my diary has been set up by the wonderful Tracy [thank you so much!] I will be able to do so, as well as with everyone else here.

Sarah