November 5, 2007
Life seems to always be complicated. There is hardly ever an easy path. Sure for a while there might be but the easy path always seems to lead to an even harder road later on.
Living with Did is very complicated. Theres always a sence for me of no one really understanding me, or wanting to understand. Its like the world thinks that if you take a pill and just see a shrink everything will be better and it doesnt really work that way. Or they think that because you are mentally disabled it also qualifies you as being dumb and unable to make any sort of decions for your self. Especially if those decions go against what they believe in. Its a vicious cycle between trying to prove yourself and being knocked back down.
November 1, 2007
I believe that we all hold secrets deep inside ourselfs that we hope no one will ever find out. But it is in having someone break through all our walls and deliever us from the secrets that bind us that we find true freedom. We are so afraid of what people may think of us or what their reaction maybe that we put on a face that is not our own and pretend to be someone that we are not. We spend more time worrying about what others will think of us than we spend worrying about if what we are doing is right for us. Often times we do things we know is wrong just to try and fit in. I wonder sometimes what life would be like if we spent less time trying to fit in and more time being true to ourselfs.
I had a friend who i talked to the other day that made a comment to me that said she was surprised at how mature i was for my age. I remember thinking when she said that * if you only knew, really knew*
I thought it only fitting that i share just a couple of my secrets with this post.
I refuse to go into a bathroom or any room with a mirror in the dark cause i believe that people will jump out of them. I also believe that toys can come to life at night or when no one is there to watch them and that there are monsters that live in the closet and under the bed and furnature.
I do stuff to get into trouble sometimes not because i want to be scolded or a brat but because i want someone to care enough to say no and still care about me even if i've done something wrong.
my grandpa, my grandma, and my dog all died and while i was no where near any of them when it happened, i still blame myself for their deaths and for not being there more for them.
There is a friend of mine who i care about dearly even though i dont talk to her all that often who posted a link to post secret on her journal. I cant thank her enough for posting that link. I've watched it over and over and over again. it was the inspiration for the entry i wrote today.
I dont wanna mention names in this entry, but, thanks :) You have been such a major help and support to me over the past several years.
October 29, 2007
I registered today on this one site that has people of all ages on it, inner kids like me and grown ups too. jill has been on it a while but she wont really talk to anyone. She says she feels sorta funny. Personally i think little kids are just pains.
I want to get some new clothes and put red some red stripes in my hair. Maybe get some chains and stuff too. I hate almost all the clothes we have here. Almost everything is made for jill or the others. They all have horrible taste!
October 28, 2007
yesterday was sorta a tough day for me. My mom cooked breakfast and brought it over to me which was really cool. But then i sorta woke up and said thanks mom and gave her a kiss infront of her son. I felt sooooooo bad about it. Kinna like I really screwed up and was this big failure n stuff. I sorta faded in and out all day. I know silent spent alot of time around yesterday cause i ended up with part of a new poem. its still a fragment yet.
In the stillness of the night once more
Settles an air of doom and despair
Shadows dance to and fro
Across an empty shallow heart
A hollow voice screams out
of anger pain and hurt.
Everytime i was around yesterday i felt like my skin was crawling. Just the thought of even being touched almost made me jump outta my skin. I've been like that off and on now for a lil while now.
I kinna wonder why it is that we feel that we have to be so perfect? Like if something goes bad for us so often its like the end of the world. Letting someone else down or the thought that we may have let someone else down makes us wanna hide away forever somewhere and just sorta give up on everything.
October 15, 2007
wow! its been a really long time since i've done a journal entry on here. Theres been so many changes for me, some good, others not so good. For a while i sorta entered almost like an alternate space, at least thats how i would describe it. I'm not sure how else to put it into words. Its like wakeing up and you know your bodys moving and your talking n stuff like that but it doesnt really seem or feel like its you doing it.
My mom moved out and divorced my dad. Sometimes i feel really sad about it but other times happy too cause at times she wasnt so nice to amy n jill. On the goodside. with her leaving I gained a new mom and also a bestfriend. Shes been absolutly wonderful having around. I dont expect that things will be perfect but i do expect that things will be alot better than what they have been in the past for me.
I finished up accounting and am now taking early child hood education. Jill has joined a group for inner kids and amy, well amy is being amy. I have yet to meet a teenager that isnt difficult, or doesnt think they know everything.
December 15, 2006
we finally hit one of our goal weights of 105.
Its not really that we see ourselfs as fat as much as it is that we are so afraid to gain any weight for fear of getting fat.
With everything being so far out of control its nice to have something to be able to control, as silly as that sounds. Its like, ok i cant control anything else that is going on but i can control what goes into my body.
Weve hit a very severe depression again. this really sucks. Everytime we start to do better, we back slide down again.
November 25, 2006
somedays things happen that just sorta make you think. I think alot of times but sometimes i think about why. Why am i here. Why do people act the way they do. I just seem to question everything. There has to be a reason for everything. It just cant all just be. Sometimes its hard to understand things.
depression just sorta seems to be lingering around. If i'm going to be bipolar, my body could at least give me some of the highs too. Ok Everyone Did you hear that? I WANT THE HIGHS TOO!!!!!! I'm sick of having the medium blahs and then hitting bottom.
today was sorta one of those days where you just sorta wanna hide in the bed and pull the covers over your eyes and sing *LA LA LA LA LA I cant hear you and you cant see me. I wish that really did work. Kinna like it did when we were younger and still does for jill and tott. If you just pull the covers over your head nothing can see you anymore cause you cant see it.
I took my kids to the park today and talked to another mom there. She brought some wax paper with her so the kids all took turns going down the slide on wax paper. It worked very very well. You just have to make sure the slide isnt too slipery when you do it.