Main » January 2005
January 31, 2005
We went to go collect money for melissas paperroute. We werent supposed to go. Deb woke up early. We werent back yet. Melissa told her she didnt know where we were so she wouldnt get introuble. She told us to go do it. We had to sit in the garage for long time. We werent allowed to go in the house cause melissa told deb we just left on our own. Melissa made us go collect for her. We get locked out of house cause we left. Its cold outside in garage. We are afraid. Dan will be home soon and we are introuble. we bad.
Safe now no more cold.
January 29, 2005
Disapearing slowly into another world, another time, to a place filled with flowers and trees. A place with Castles and unicorns filling the skys. A place where teddybears dance and angels sing. A place where there is no sadness, no hate, no pain.
I'm going now to fly with the faeries and dragons, to fall asleep under the night sky while ponies keep watch over my kingdom. I am going now and now I am gone.
January 24, 2005
totts memory written with help from carrie
Its my turn to write what I remember and how I came to be.
When heavens was about 4 she liked to get up at night to get a drink or play with her toys. she didnt like taking naps either which made deb very angry. Deb would spank her and hit her for getting up and then to teach her a lesson she would make her lay down on the bed on the top bunk and then get a belt and tie her arms up over her head with a belt to keep her in bed. I had to come help her and take away the pain. I could stop it but I could take her place for a while and keep her safe. Heavens even drank out of the toilet and dog dish. Shes not retarded but she was soo scared of making a noise and she got so thirsty that she drank out of the dog dish and tolit so no one would hear her.
I dont understand why deb hated us so much. we never did anything to her. maybe we were just born bad. why are we bad and her sister isnt?
January 20, 2005
I'm Amy Not that anyone really cares. I looked at ebay for some black pants and chokers. I'm either too fat for them all or they want way more than its worth. Heavens promised to let me pick out some things when she gets enough money but that could be a while. I hate everything that we have right now. I think I'm going to color our hair black and put red steaks in it. I dont think heavens really cares what I do at this point. I took her daughter outside to play inthe snow today. I dont know why kids like playing in the snow soo much but she looked like she was having fun. I cant have fun. I had to clean up the house and pay the bills and fill out forms. I did find a mafia game I was playing last night. Its one that I'm not allowed to play but at this point I dont much care.
January 19, 2005
We went to therepy yesterday. My therepist said I looked sad. What's sad? I feel hurt but I dont even know if thats the same thing. I cant talk to her about it either cause I'm not supposed to feel hurt or sad. I cant let anyone know how much it bothers me that mom always calls her bf when she is with me or talks with her kids when she is only over to see me for a couple of hours each week if even that and gets to see them the whole rest of the week.
Everyone is such a mess. Tott cant understand why mom cant come over or why we cant live with her anymore and why when she does come, she cant read to tott or play with her. Amy just wants to yell at her for getting rid of us and lieing to us. Jill doesnt really know what to feel and shes just so confused. Jill is just trying so hard to push her away and forget about everything. I just end up sleeping when ever I am out.
January 17, 2005
phonecall from deb
Deb called today and Amy tried so hard to hang up on her. We were all shaking so hard from being afraid and we still have not stopped shaking yet. She didnt even say anything bad this time but everyone is just so scared yet from before. Tott is a mess and she wants her nuk but I cant find it anywhere. I'd go get her a new one but I cant drive either. Amy wants to drive but I dont know how I would explain a 15 year old driving to the cops when she gets pulled over. They have pills for everything, why dont they have a pill that instantly makes all the bad stuff go away yet? I wish I could just fly away.
my mom and I got in a big argument today too. I told her I wanted to homeschool my kids and she gave me a speech on how hard it was gonna be. I felt like she was putting me down. She said she didnt mean it that way but it sure felt like it. I love my mom and I hate it when we have a fight.
Carrie made us soup, its really sort of interesting but I dont care cause I didnt have to cook. now if only she would clean the apartment for me too, that would be really great.
We go see our therepist tomorrow morning. I dont know how I am gonna get out of bed and get both kids ready in time. I'm worried though cause Jill wants to talk to her for the first time and my mom wants to sit in the whole session. My mom doesnt really understand jill or the others and just says I need to grow up when they are out. maybe she will just be in for a lil while and then leave. I'm going to bring paper along for Jill to write and color on if she wants to. She wants to take k.C our teddy bear with too so I am going to try and remember him too.
January 16, 2005
We had a bad day today. Jill hid from the bus driver this morning so we missed church. Jill any tott are still very upset from seeing deb. I'm not even really sure what to do to help them. They are both just so traumatized. We go see the therepist tuesday. I'm going to let them bring kc with. maybe they will talk to the therepist then so she can help. I just have to keep telling my self I am still breathing. If nothing else goes well, I am still breathing.
January 15, 2005
Memories from my past
Where to begin.... that is alway a good question. If I start from the beginning it would take me forever to write my whole story and there is no doubt many of you will not believe half of what I tell. If I dont start from the beggining though my story will not be told and I will have gone through everything in vain.
I will begin now...........
when I was born my birth mom had several complications which left me with mild cerebal palsy and her very sick. I was sent home with my grandmother while she stayed in the hospital for several more days. My grandmother died 2 years later.
I first noticed something wrong about when I was 2. Deb got very upset with me for not taking a nap and kicked me down a flight of steps and stuck me in a cold dark closet in the basement for several hours. I am not sure how long, but when you are 2 any time in a place like that is too long. I was not even allowed out to go to the bathroom and wet the bed for years after that expirence.
I was always treated different, Like I was not wanted, noone would ever tell me that though.
as soon as I was able to reach the sink myself with out a chair I was expected to wash the dishes. That in itself was not a big chore, but if i did not have them perfectly clean I was given a spanking, grounded and expected to wash them over again.
I was also expected to dust and scrub floors along with countless other jobs. All were to be done perfectly. I was almost alway introuble for something not being clean enough. My head was smashed into the floor, or my arm was twisted behind my back or my fingers bent back or I was spanked, called horrible names or what ever else could be dreamed up. I learned not to fight back. I cried, but I did not fight back. Fighting back made things worse. My birth mom always seemed to know how far back to bend my arm or fingers so that it hurt tremendously but they did not break. If they would have broke maybe someone would have believed me about what was happening. The marks and bruises I substained were never enough.
I was always placed back in the home after my birthmom put on her act for a little while and convinced the county that I was the one with the problem not her.
This is all I can write for now. I will write more later
back from vacation
Its been a very long week for all of us. We just got back from deb's house. I am not sure we will ever go back there again. Jill doesnt like it much because she has to be quiet the whole time so deb wont find out about her. I feel bad. I bought a coloring book and let her lay by mom the whole way back home, We had a 16 hour drive comming back. We are safe now and deb cant hurt us no more, still it gets scary at times being around her. We see the T next week. we trust her but not too many other people. Just our t and mom.