Main » January 2006
January 24, 2006
Over the past month i've had almost every bit of life and will power sucked outta me. I've been cut down, stomped down, whatever you want to call it. I've given myself, till i had nothing left, and then kept giving. I finally reached the point where i just don't care anymore. I mean, I just don't have the energy to. I'm on empty. There's nothing left on the inside. All the times of getting my hopes up do something to happen and them almost always not happening, i just don't see the point of getting excited about things anymore. My whole support system has fallen though, i've got pretty much nothing. I do see my counselor tomorrow, but how do you get through a whole entire month of crap happening and then have time to work through any of it in one hour? Thats what i get, one hour every 2-4 weeks. It's not enough, but it's all I've got. She wants me to go weekly and i want to sooooo bad but i can't until i can drive, the only transportation there is would make me get on the bus at 5am and then wouldn't bring me home till 2pm for a 1 hour appointment. That's just not feasable with having kids. Not to mention being did. Life just sorta sucks.
The thing that bothers me most is when people say things will get better, or you will overcome this. OK that might be true, but at what cost? Things get better for a little while but they always get worse too. I may get over this stuff, but how much of myself will i lose in the process? I'm not sure there is anymore of me i can lose.
January 14, 2006
The beatings and the sadistic comments became so regular that i was not safe anywhere but at school and in direct ear shot of my birth mother's friends and family. She played the perfect parent to them. It became a game and I soon learned to use it to my advantage. As long as one of them was near, I was safe. Whenever a social worker came to the house I would ask to play with one of my toys that had been locked away. I knew that once they left it would be locked away again but, my birth mother didn't dare say no to me while someone was there. It would ruin the perfect mother image she protrayed while she was being watched.
She didn't always win in her games of trying to punish me. Sometimes after being ordered to stand in the corner after nearly having my arms torn from their sockets or being chocked, or thrashed, i would strain my ears to listen to the sounds in her bedroom. I would listen for the sound of her favorite tv show, 911 and then creep very quietly over to the dog's water bowl. I moved so quietly i didnt even dare to breath for fear she could hear my breathing. I knelt down next to the bowl or water and began to lap it up eagerly. I always made sure not to drink enough to make the soda bottle that was attatched to the bowl upside down, refill the water dish. As soon as i was done drinking water I tiptoed as quietly as I could back to my corner and stood there. My birth mom still came out every commercial to tell me what a bad child I was and to smash my head in between the cupboard doors. In a small way though I had won. I had gotten a drink and she didn't even know it.
One of my birth mother's favorite games was to send my sister into my room to search it. She would then come out with a pencil, a piece of paper, or anything that she could find and show it to my birth mother. I was then ordered over to my birth mother and the item was either shoved into my face or i was ordered to look at the items and explain why I had them. There was no reason I could give that would satisfy her. It did not matter if the items were given to me. I had stolen them and was a bad girl that needed to be punished. Most of the time the game ended in her reaching a hand out to pinch one of my ears as hard as she could with her nails while pulling on it threatening to rip my ears off for not listening. That lasted only for a few seconds and she quickly moved on to my throat. Wrapping one hand around my throat and trying to strangle me. I was maneuvered over to the bed and squirmed the best I could until her grip on my neck was loosened and I gasped for air. One of my arms was twisted and pulled up behind my back until it was on the verge of ripping out of its socket and i was beat. I learned to wear sweaters and pants to hide the bruises. My birth mother was alway careful not to leave marks anywhere that were too noticeable or that she couldn't explain away with some excuse she invented.
January 13, 2006
I've been putting things off for years, finding ways around it, finding any excuse possible to denounce what i knew was true. I couldn't have this because i do eat at times. I couldn't have this because i don't count calories. The list goes on and on. But i do have it. My body is proof of the anorexia. It's written on my face. I'm eating enough to survive, not enough to thrive. In the last 2 months i dropped 2 sizes after already being underweight. This is a battle though that i need to overcome on my own. I'm not sure that i am strong enough to. I feel so alone in this. This can't possibly be what it is. I keep looking for any excuse that i can to dismiss it, anything at all.
My own kids have been sick for the past 2 weeks. It's really hard being a single parent without support. It's not an easy job at all, especially raising a child with special needs.
January 12, 2006
Why do people say they are going to do stuff, so that you get your hopes up? They get mad then when you get upset that they didn't follow through. My friend said she was going to stop by last night but that it would probably be later on in the evening/night. We stayed up late waiting for her to come and she never did. We never even got so much as a phone call from her to tell us she wasn't comming. It's just all so frustrating. The human heart can only take so many let downs. I missed my appointment with my t this week because my friend had other things to do. i dont go back for another 2 weeks. It would be nice to go and be consistant. Right now i feel like i'm just playing catch up in between sessions and i'm not really making progress. It's soo frustrating. 2 weeks in between appointments is too long of a time. And then with the cancelations etc. *sighs* I could change to someone closer to me but the chances of developing the type of theraputic relationship i have with my t with someone else is pretty slim. Shes the first t in a long line of therapists that i've had that i could talk to. It's all just soo frustrating. It wouldn't be so bad if i could drive, which i can, just not without someone. If my friend would take the time to take me out to practice, i could have had my license by now and i wouldn't have to go through any of this kind of stuff. I can feel my hair turning grey.
January 11, 2006
this n that
We gave the kid's dad an ultimatum last night. Either step up to the plate and start paying the child support that was court ordered, and quit using the kids to try to and get to me, and start acting like a father, or leave us and the kids alone. We aren't sure what he is gonna do but i do know that if he keeps up the way he is amy is going to have some fun with him. Amy doesn't tolerate any of the kind of stuff he has been pulling. I used to hate having Amy as part of my system, but now i am glad she is there.
Our aunt came up to stay with us over Christmas. It was wonderful. She knew about everyone inside there was no need to try and hide anything. Jill and her played a game of hide and seek and Tott even joined in. Jill and Tott spent most of the visit with her. It's ok though because they are the ones that really need someone there. It was nice to have someone else be there and be able to take care of them without making some sort of judgement.
We got our car paid off. YEAH! Still need another $700 yet though for car insurance, tabs, inspection, etc. They sure don't make getting a car easy. We have 'til April to come up with it all but don't think we are gonna make it. Gotta keep hoping we will. If ssi kicks in before then we should make it no problem.
January 10, 2006
um yeah hmmmmm wow I think that about sums everything up.
There has been sooooooo much going on latley. People comming and going, PRomises being broken, having my x stalk me. Being put in the middle of things, I feel like this giant slinky thats bein pulled and stretched into so many directions. Then theres all the confusion on the inside. Jill has been very very terrified latley so much so I can hardly get her to talk. Amy is filled with anger. I think if she could go off like a stick of dynamite she would. You would be able to see the explosion for miles. Thats how much anger she is harboring. And its not with out good cause either. We have gotten so many mixed signals latley its hard to tell what we are supposed to believe or think anymore. One day its ok to feel, see or think something, and that next day its not. Sometimes I wish people would just make up their minds. We all have a purpose here on earth, some people though i think is just to make everyone elses more difficult.
We painted one of the kids bed rails purple today. Theres a little bit of paint on the carpet but hopefully no one will notice that.
Ever notice how annoying irony is? we were exactly $9 short in our checking account to pay our electric bill to get it done and out of the way. We have exactly $9 on our debit card. The problem: we can only take out money in $20 increments and the debit card isnt linked to a bank account. its the cashcard from the county till we get approved for ssi. The electric bill wont be late or anything like that. We just wanted to get it paid and done with.