Main » April 2006
April 17, 2006
dont you just love it when stuff happens and your not exactly sure what and you just hafta sorta deal with it cuse no one else wants to?
I took a scalding hot bath today trying to wash away the scent. i managed to get a turkey sandwhich in but heavens jus puked it up again anyways. I went through our closet and took out all of the girly looking stuff so all thats left is boyish baggy looking clothes. That way it hides everything. I'd actually jus like to cut everything off and not have anything to attract guys. Things would be lots better that way and we wouldnt get hurt as much. its not like we got rapped, amy concented to it but she had no right to conscent and none of the rest of us wanted it to happen and then amy just left and went out in the middle of it happening so now heavens and jill are both really upset. Silent
How do you get that lonely? How do you hurt that bad?
To make you make the call, that havin' no life at all
Is better than the life that you had
How do you feel so empty you want to let it all go
How do you get that lonely...
And nobody knows?
April 16, 2006
Today is easter, its supposed to be a time of celebration. I hate what its turned into though. Its not supposed to be about easter baskets, bunny rabbits and stuff like that.
My counsoler has a good expression she likes to use. *start where you are at* That means cant expect yourself to be 100% fixed or to do stuff that might not be realistic. You can always work towards a goal but you should expect to find yourself at the finish line right away. I like that expression.
I took sometime to think about *where i am at* today. This is sorta what i came up with.
I trust no one. Trust is something that has to be earned. At this point have no reason to trust anyone. I have every reason not to trust anyone. Maybe that will change one day, maybe it wont.
One other thing i've learned is not to let other people run my life. I shouldnt have to sacrafice my values to make others feel good. I have a right to believe in what I choose to believe in. No one should have the right to take that away from me.
Amy has been around lots latley. I actually kinna think its funny. Shes got a mouth on her. Shes told off a few people in the last week. Jill has been around alot too. I think shes excited about going to see our new mom and dad. I dont think they understand the whole did thing but thats ok. It is sorta a hard concept to understand. How exactly do you explain that there are other people living inside of you with out making yourself sound crazy? I thought about looking stuff up for them to read but it all sounds weird either that or i find something that says i'm just trying to brush off responsibility or something like that. That isnt true at all. Its also hard to explain how i can be multiple ages all at the same time. Theyve invented almost everything, it would be nice if they could make a gadget that just automatically made people understand stuff.
I've finished 3 classes already. I'm pretty excited about that. Its real school too. I'm trying to get my diploma. Only 11 more courses left to go. I actually need to slow down a bit. Its supposed to take me 2 years, and at this rate, i'll be done by then end of the summer. That wouldnt be so bad, if i can figure out a way to pay off the course sooner.
Right now i have a 91% average. Its not all that great cause i think i can do better.
Today was also my oldest girls birthday. She turned 3 today. I love her soooooooo much. She opened up a few presents first thing this morning. Then we went outside and played. I cant believe how big she is getting. I just sat and looked at her for a while today and almost started crying. I know mom's are supposed to be partial to their own kids and say they are beautiful and stuff, but she really is. I am really hopeing she gets into the dress up stage in the next couple years. I want to go out and buy her all the princess clothes they make. Shes going to have a boyfriend by second grade.
April 06, 2006
Last night i got the news that my mom's mom had died. I don't even know her, but i know that my mom is sad. I don't understand love, but i understand caring about someone. I care about both of my parents. I feel sad, just knowing that my mom is sad and i can't be there to help comfort her.
I was watching a show on dementia last night since i had to be up anyway, stupid insomnia. I remember just sitting there and watching the people break off mid sentence, or looking like they were really thinking about something but nothing comes out. I go through that all the time. It happened to me yesterday while i was doing a verbal permission for contact. I couldn't remember the name of my caseworker, and she was standing right next to me. it wasn't just forgetting her name, i forgot why i was even calling. this sorta stuff literally happens to me all the time and it's very frustrating. Sometimes i feel really dumb even though i know that i'm not. Its hard for me to recall even the simplest things at times. I tried telling my psycologist that this is going on. His reply last time i saw him was *show me your mind*. It's been about 2 months since i went in and i am still very frustrated over it. How am i supposed to know where my mind is going, if i can't even remember a simple detail in the first place? Stuff that i could recall no prob 2 years ago. It's even everyday stuff i'm forgetting. I'm too young to be going through this.
April 04, 2006
It's been another hard long couple months. A month ago my friend, the only reliable source i had to get to appointments, etc. decided she didn't want to do it anymore. it's been very heartbreaking. I still have not recovered from the loss of that relationship. I had to take the pictures she drew me off of my walls. Everytime i look at them i break down and cry. Losing that relationship has made me really think about things. Trusting people isn't something that comes easy and when that trust has been broken over and over again, after a while i start to wonder what the point is anymore. Why trust someone if it is going to hurt this much in the end?
I've been practicing for my drivers test. I do have my permit and i did buy a car, but it needs fixing up. Which brings up another frustration. How do you go out and practice driving when there is literally no one to take you? No friends, family, etc. Some days i feel like going outside with a bat and just hitting the car over and over again till there is nothing left of it.
I did start back to school. I've been working my tail off on it. I've done almost 2.5 credits in the last 2 weeks. Granted it's only high school and not too hard, but still, it's an acomplishment.
I did get a new mom and dad. I am really excited about it. Yes, we have gone through a few, but it's worth going through a million to finally belong somewhere and to be wanted by someone. I'm going out to see them sometime next month if everything works out right. I don't think i have ever met 2 people filled with as much love as these people are. I don't even understand the whole love concept yet. It's just really great being able to say *Mom and Dad* and knowing that they are Mom and Dad because they want to be, not because they have to be.
My case worker finally called me to let me know that she can't find a ride for me to go see my counselor. The appointment has been scheduled for over a month, which means it's been a month since i went in. It will probably be another month before i get in again, if i get in again. I just sat down and cried for a really long time over it today. I'm still crying yet. It seems like such a small detail, but this is just another huge letdown for me. I really like going to see my counselor. It's the one thing i look forward to each month and now that has even been taken away. As far as how i am coping with stuff, I'm not really. My survial instincts are in over drive. My brain has all but shut itself off trying to protect me. My kids and my new parents are what have kept me going. If it wasn't for them, I'd hide in a big pit somewhere and just disappear.
I'm supposed to have an appointment for ssi next week, if my caseworker can take me. Its already been rescheduled once.