Living with Did is very complicated. Theres always a sence for me of no one really understanding me, or wanting to understand. Its like the world thinks that if you take a pill and just see a shrink everything will be better and it doesnt really work that way. Or they think that because you are mentally disabled it also qualifies you as being dumb and unable to make any sort of decions for your self. Especially if those decions go against what they believe in. Its a vicious cycle between trying to prove yourself and being knocked back down.

I had a friend who i talked to the other day that made a comment to me that said she was surprised at how mature i was for my age. I remember thinking when she said that * if you only knew, really knew*

I thought it only fitting that i share just a couple of my secrets with this post.

I refuse to go into a bathroom or any room with a mirror in the dark cause i believe that people will jump out of them. I also believe that toys can come to life at night or when no one is there to watch them and that there are monsters that live in the closet and under the bed and furnature.

I do stuff to get into trouble sometimes not because i want to be scolded or a brat but because i want someone to care enough to say no and still care about me even if i've done something wrong.

my grandpa, my grandma, and my dog all died and while i was no where near any of them when it happened, i still blame myself for their deaths and for not being there more for them.

There is a friend of mine who i care about dearly even though i dont talk to her all that often who posted a link to post secret on her journal. I cant thank her enough for posting that link. I've watched it over and over and over again. it was the inspiration for the entry i wrote today.
I dont wanna mention names in this entry, but, thanks :) You have been such a major help and support to me over the past several years.

I want to get some new clothes and put red some red stripes in my hair. Maybe get some chains and stuff too. I hate almost all the clothes we have here. Almost everything is made for jill or the others. They all have horrible taste!

In the stillness of the night once more
Settles an air of doom and despair

Shadows dance to and fro
Across an empty shallow heart

A hollow voice screams out
of anger pain and hurt.

Everytime i was around yesterday i felt like my skin was crawling. Just the thought of even being touched almost made me jump outta my skin. I've been like that off and on now for a lil while now.

I kinna wonder why it is that we feel that we have to be so perfect? Like if something goes bad for us so often its like the end of the world. Letting someone else down or the thought that we may have let someone else down makes us wanna hide away forever somewhere and just sorta give up on everything.

My mom moved out and divorced my dad. Sometimes i feel really sad about it but other times happy too cause at times she wasnt so nice to amy n jill. On the goodside. with her leaving I gained a new mom and also a bestfriend. Shes been absolutly wonderful having around. I dont expect that things will be perfect but i do expect that things will be alot better than what they have been in the past for me.

I finished up accounting and am now taking early child hood education. Jill has joined a group for inner kids and amy, well amy is being amy. I have yet to meet a teenager that isnt difficult, or doesnt think they know everything.

With everything being so far out of control its nice to have something to be able to control, as silly as that sounds. Its like, ok i cant control anything else that is going on but i can control what goes into my body.

Weve hit a very severe depression again. this really sucks. Everytime we start to do better, we back slide down again.

depression just sorta seems to be lingering around. If i'm going to be bipolar, my body could at least give me some of the highs too. Ok Everyone Did you hear that? I WANT THE HIGHS TOO!!!!!! I'm sick of having the medium blahs and then hitting bottom.

today was sorta one of those days where you just sorta wanna hide in the bed and pull the covers over your eyes and sing *LA LA LA LA LA I cant hear you and you cant see me. I wish that really did work. Kinna like it did when we were younger and still does for jill and tott. If you just pull the covers over your head nothing can see you anymore cause you cant see it.

I took my kids to the park today and talked to another mom there. She brought some wax paper with her so the kids all took turns going down the slide on wax paper. It worked very very well. You just have to make sure the slide isnt too slipery when you do it.

My sister and I are going out black friday shopping. I cant wait to go. It gets me out of the house and her and i will get some time to talk. i love having a mom and dad, but I love having a sister too. I actually got 2 sisters now. my youngest sister can be a pain sometimes, but i think thats a rule or something somewhere. shes still a good sister.

I finally got Jill back into school and with her friends again. I know shes been missing her school terribly. Unfortunatly it took so long to get her back in again, most of the kids she knew that were in her class have either moved up a grade or moved or something like that. I hope she makes some new friends now.

i jus wana hids n dispears for a whil. Amy says i bes a pain n stufs n dats i shuld jus gos way.

For some strange reason the past few days he has taken to curling up on my lap while I sit at the computer. He is even letting me pick him up and comming to me when I call him. Its just soo weird because its unusual for him to do that.

My mom looked up one of my meds today, and then I did too. It turns out the med I thought I was getting for sleep is really just another bipolar med. UGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! I really hate doctors, like i dont know what I need or something. They must think I stay up all night partying or something. Give me a break!

Jill had a really hard day today. Sometimes theres no way to explain things to a little. Christmas time is a hard time, theres all the excitement about what everyone wants or what everyone is getting for christmas. Then theres all the expectations. Your supposed to be happy just because its christmas time.

I'm instantly supposed to change into this little goody 2 shoes person. Gag me! People are sooooooooo annoying. I would love to live on another planet or something.

Amy Jo

We need to get back
To the basics of life
A heart that is pure
And a love that is blind
A faith that is fervently
grounded in Christ
The hope that endures for all times
These are the basics,
we need to get back
To the basics of life

The newest rage is to reason it out
Just meditate and you can overcome every doubt
After all man is a God, they say
God is no longer alive

But I still believe in the old rugged cross
And I still believe there is hope for the lost
And I know the rock of all ages will stand
Through changes of time

We need to get back
To the basics of life
A heart that is pure
And a love that is blind
A faith that is fervently
grounded in Christ
The hope that endures for all times
These are the basics,
we need to get back
To the basics of life
\
We’ve let the darkness invade us too long
We’ve got to turn the tide
Oh and we need the passion that burned long ago
To come and open our eyes
There’s no room for compromise ~ basics of life by 4Him

Today is one of those days where you pinch your self just to know your alive. I've been floating in and out all day between barely being here and completly disapearing. Right now I feel like completly disapearing. I dont think anything even really happened. Silents been around alot and taking care of things. It helps some. I think I'm just stressed right now. I've been dealing with my ex and then everything else that goes on in life. Well that and I know I'm premenstrual. I always get really really depressed right before I get it. Depressed and very agitated and edgy. I take offence to almost anything during this time period. It really sucks. I'm on a new med and it seems to be helping some, but I'm still getting really depressed. *sigh* I wake up only to look forward to being able to go to bed. I'd stay in bed all day long if it werent for my girls.

A simple question like * what do you want to eat for dinner* can get very complicated depending on who is all around. Theres one that hates anything with sugar in it, another that only wants to eat sugar, one that hates vegetables, one that hates most fruit, ugggggg!

Sometimes I wonder what being a singleton is like. I personally think it would be extremly boring. At least if your a multiple theres almost always someone there to talk to and theres always something going on.

On the other side, I had alot of fun again today with my mom. We spent alot of time together doing various things and it really was lots of fun.
I love both of my parents alot, theres just moments when i feel like ripping all my hair out and screaming.

Amy

Its been one of those days for me with both of my girls. They seem to be on a contest to see who can make mommie go nuts the fastest. They have been taking turns all day today having screaming contests for everything from wanting my candy to being told to laydown for a nap. I seriously think at least half of my hair has turned grey today. I finally had to take some xanx because my nerves were fried.

On a good note we went shopping last night and while I have to cringe at the bill for my meds and other things, I had a blast with my mom. It was nice just getting out of the house and having some positive time together.

things get so busy here alot. Its nice when things slow down for a little while.

I think we are going to the library soon to pick out some new books. Jill really likes the berenstein bear books. I think they are her favorite.
I started to read a serious of unfortunate events and got almost through the whole series. I didnt care for them much but they are the kind of book that are soooooooooo annoying that you have to finish reading them just for the principal of the thing.

jill and amy are going to start school soon. I signed them both up on this online school type place that is really a neat place. They have different classes for different ages. I think it will give them something to do.