Beginning anew Now

I could see myself lying there with my mouth wide open trying with all my might to get some sound to emit, but nothing. Then something stepped on my stomach as if it were coming from the window then stepped onto the floor and began to cross the room. I realized that my eyes were following whatever it was across the room as if I were aware of it's exact position but I couldn't see anything. I started screaming harder all the while praying my voice wouldn�t come for fear whatever it was would turn back and realize I was there. That�s when I heard this loud noise that turned out to be my screaming.

I woke up in the darkness afraid to move or make a sound. I stayed that way for almost 20 minutes before getting enough courage to call my sweetie on the phone. It was 6AM in his home state and he spent the next 30 minutes trying to soothe me but my chest still felt like it was going to explode into a heart attack. Later that morning I told a friend about the dream and how sick and weak I felt. It was my day off so I figured I could recuperate before work the next day. I still couldn't shake that scared feeling. It exhausted me. I called into work for the next day's schedule and when I did the supervisor pressed me to work for him, he was short drivers. I tried politely to put him off, but he begged and explained he was in a tight fix and had no one to work this shift. That would have meant going into work within 4 hours.

I reluctantly agreed since he�d helped me out before. My friend told me to call back and get out of it because she said I didn't sound good either. When I tried her suggestion, the supervisor refused. So I went to work. I even dragged my heels and was 3 seconds from being late and getting written up. I drove the route and no events until 30 minutes before the end of my last trip: trouble. Three guys got on my bus; two didn't pay, but the 3rd did. I thanked him and gave him a transfer. No problems until they wanted off the bus. The two non-payers got off but the guy that paid lingered at the fare box and called me the "B" word over and over and I asked if he was going to get off because we had to go. Then he just cold-cocked me in the head and my foot came off the brake. The bus started to move into traffic I popped the emergency brake and he started wailing on me as I fought my seat belt to get loose to try to fight back. Somehow I closed the doors to the bus, which not only trapped my attacker inside the bus with me, it also trapped his two buddies outside. His friends attempted prying the doors open to get in. (I have no idea if they wanted to wail on me as well or just whisk him away.) Finally I broke free of the seat belt and kicked the assailant away from me but before I could completely stand up he had grabbed me and dragged me to one of the front seats where he continued punching and trying to choke me. I begged the remaining passengers for help, but they just watched. I heard the assailant�s companions yelling at him to escape through the emergency windows that pivoted out horizontally because they couldn't pry the doors open. The next thing I remember while trying to pry the assailant�s hands off of me (He was now trying to rip hair out) was one of the passengers yelling, "let go" he pulled him off of me. He escaped through the emergency window in the back of the bus that pivoted out exactly like my dream. I turned off the bus got called my aunt, told her to pick me up and I exited the bus. I no longer cared what happened to anyone on the bus since they didn't care about me. I was in total shock. The first police officers on site were in dark navy uniforms (like my dream) and the next two police agencies wore olive green and light blue. Between all 3 of them not one filed a report despite grilling all of us and arresting a youngster who was smoking underage! Sad indeed the whole fiasco. When the medics got there my blood pressure was about 40 points lower than usual and they said I was fine. My job treated me like it was no big deal. The first Doctor I saw told me to go back to work 2 days later and yet the assailant was still out there and could get on my bus anytime. He has yet to be apprehended and because no reports were filed. The police and my job did nothing to further protect me. For one month I holed up in my place and didn't eat or talk to anyone except my sweetheart. I lost a lot of weigh.
Then everything turned really creepy! I started therapy with an inept Psychologist who had no understanding of such trauma and would stare at me but couldn't seem to remember anything I said from the week to week. She'd bring up things I wanted to talk about a month later as if it was the first she'd ever heard of it. I got worse with each session I had with her. Her big solution after months of her therapy: "Just quit your job," as if I had a private trust fund! I began to think she was nuts when I talked about how scared I was and she'd say it had nothing to do with my job. Then the next session she'd say: "It's just a dangerous Job� That�s when the weight started piling on �exponentially!� Well after a couple months of being off work I went back to work angry and frustrated because no one, in my opinion, was helping me. I was terrified the whole time. They sent me to a doctor to try to close my claim. He diagnosed me as Permanently Partially disabled due to my Post traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) that just led me into another level of depression. The thought that you will never be the same just saddened me beyond belief. I don�t know about you, but this was tantamount to someone telling a woman who wanted children she was never going to be able to have children. My mind was the best thing I had going. About a month after returning to work a Drunk Driver hit me on my way home from work. He didn�t just hit me; he rammed my car from behind then turned and rammed my car from the side before turning barreling at break neck speed into the grips of the state patrol that witnessed the whole thing. To this day he�s been free and clear to do it again short of one night in jail. I found daily life too hard to bear. I went to work and lived with nightmares whenever I finally fell sleep. I finally sought counseling again because I cried all the time and was suspicious of everyone. My weight and lack of sleep were totally out of control. I started shutting down all my relationships. I was so miserable at work I spent all the time trying to get out of work. There were weeks I barely had a paycheck. I was sick constantly. I finally started taking unpaid leave days just to help me get through the week. I began the agoraphobic journey about that time. I wouldn't go anywhere except work if I couldn't get out of it. Since I couldn't sleep, most days I'd end up driving the bus dangerously close to shutting my eyes late at night when returning to the base. Just when life was completely unbearable, a woman released the night before from a mental ward attacked me on Father�s day in the morning before we even started the bus into the route. I had the first breakdown in my life, which still brings me to tears. I felt like a trapped animal in a cage with hundreds of spear points waiting to jab me from every angle. I remember hearing myself screaming and how humiliating it still makes me feel.

Since then, I�ve adopted a dog from the Wenatchee Humane Society Shelter and she has been my constant companion ever since. The times when she is not with me I feel like I�m drowning and all alone in this world of creepy people.

I�ve gained so much weight it�s just too horrifying to list. When I look in the mirror I don�t know how my sweetie stands me but he has the unconditional love in his heart for me. I don�t even have that for me at this point in my life. I try, but every time I bend down and it�s such a chore it discourages me.

My job classification has ended because the doctor says there�s no way I can go back. Financially I was motivated to go back and try to figure a way to not be so terrified but that would have been futile. I still get terrified when people get too close to me.

My goal with this diary is to keep myself in check and help myself heal, financially, emotionally, and physically. Especially Spiritually.

I plan on doing this by making my getting into shape something to gain a great distance from my current horrendous weight and close the gap to my desired goal weight and size.

I also plan on restructuring the way I look at money and it�s affects on my health and well-being.