October 25, 2004
Day 10 to Change
So far Iíve started my day with slim in six. The first 5 minutes! Itís not much but thatís just for the start of the day. I can hit resume on the Dvd and continue in an hour or so. Iím going at my own pace instead of trying to keep up with the people on the screen.
Itís 42 degrees outside. Itís just now 58 degrees inside. Iíve got the heater plugged in but for some reason I canít seem to bring myself to turn it on. Iím wondering if itís my way of punishing myself for being so pathetic and fat. I wonder if itís like when people cut themselves. Some little thing you do to make yourself pay for not being as ďnormalĒ as everyone else or as good. Iíve never been able to cut myself but I do treat myself as if I donít matter. I donít take showers for extended periods not because I want to smell but because I just donít think Iím worth the trouble it takes to make myself appealing in any way. My hair sits under hats or pinned up. I forget to eat or eat without caring. Itís no wonder my metabolism is shot. I donít seem to want to do anything thatís good for me. I wish I could disappear completely without any repercussions. I donít know if Iíd actually miss my life. Itís not that I donítí appreciate it, then again, maybe I donít.
There are times that Iím just certain other people would look at my apartment and be absolutely grateful for itís placement, size, and the items that inhabit it, but then I feel crowded and misplaced and unnecessary and disconnected. I donít know how it is that you can feel so good about being alone and then feel so lonely. Ah, well. Iíll write later after I do some running around and the pooch gets her business done.
October 24, 2004
Day 9 to Change
Weight: no change
Food eaten: lima bean stew/we beef and chunks of Sweet potatoes
Chores: cleaned up some boxes in living room, emptied Dishwasher
Meditation: Most of the day thinking about the writerís retreat.
I unplugged the phone again today, I should have left it unplugged for the week. I expect I will now. He hasn't called so I guess that's life. I saw a puppy in Kennewick that I think would be nice for my dog. Now that I'm not at work I really am thinking of getting the dog to raise it and provide a pal for my dog. I know I'm not always good company for her and she really deserves more attention than I can sometimes give.
Groceries were delivered today missing the 4 pumpkins for me to carve for my place, but they were out of stock! Who ever heard of a grocery store running out of pumpkins the week before Halloween? Ah. I was really disappointed. Iíve been nothing but disappointed for the last couple weeks it seems.
Disappointed in my sweetheart, my entire life, and myself. Today I thought about ending it, but my dog was lying by my side. I canít leave her in here like this. Iím going to leave my phone unplugged. I really canít bear talking to anyone today and possibly for a while. I have counseling in two days, but I donít think Iíll tell her how depressed Iím feeling. I donít want them to up my medicine. Itís been a wasted weekend. I have more ideas to write but Iím just too sad to write on the computer.
Tomorrow Iím starting the slim in six workouts. My goal is to make it through the entire workout by the end of the day. I donít know if I can stick through it in one sitting but I know I can do it throughout the day after I feel rested up like an hour or two after each session. Itís only an hour workout so by the evening I should make it. Weíll see how I feel. I watched Oprah last week when they did the Bridget Jones show with Zelwiger and Grant and Firth. Oprah talked to Renee about how she gained her extra weight for the part. She basically said that she stopped working out all together sat around a lot and ate more bread etc.
The main thing is she sat around a lot, even Oprah pointed that out. I know academically that I just need to "MOVE" but that doesn't exactly motivate me when I'm feeling so low about life. STill, if I could stick to the tape series for a week I could make 2 weeks and then 4 and then 6 I hope. I won't be slim in 6 weeks but I should see a change. The fact I hardly believe I'm capable of losing weight these days it's what I'm fighting right now, not to mention the fact that Zoloft can actually prevent you from losing weight!
It's all so exhausting to think about let alone do! I thought about having a drink today but I was too lethargic to bother. Well thatís it for me today. Tomorrow my main goal is the workout, a shower, and brushing my teeth. Major isnít it. Itís terrible how reduced your life can become.
October 23, 2004
Day 8 to Change
Weight: No change
Food eaten: Ravioli, Cake, Coffee/Cream
Exercise: Field walk with Dog
Hygiene: no shower yet!
It hasnít been the best few weeks since I was here last. Iím thinking a lot about my relationship and whether Iíll be able to move from this state at all. We seem to be arguing quite a bit lately. Heís been cutting me off while Iíve tried to explain things and today I blew up about it. A week ago I was such a stressed out mess I didnít eat or drink anything, not even a sip for 2 days. When I did eat something I ended up in the bathroom sick for 2 days! I think I would have been better not eating still. I canít say if Iím depressed or just fed up or just limbo locked in this life of ďI donítí know where I belong.Ē I meditate all the time about going to the Writerís retreat in February and March. I actually think about the possibility of getting out of the writerís retreat and taking off for somewhere completely different to live. I fantasize about buying a little cabin somewhere far from the maddening world and just write. I used to think of running to my sweetieís arms but today I feel that Iím not such a ďsweetĒ thing to him. I watch this shows on marriage, and baby deliveries on the learning channel and they look so far removed from me. Iím really depressed right now. I donít want to see or deal with anyone. After our argument this morning I turned off the ringers and unplugged the phone. Iím not going to turn it back on for a couple days. If I talk to him Iíd tell him to go to hell.
Itís good that I donít talk to him, because quite frankly I donít know how much of my feelings are just because of my PSTD issues. Today I was all set to go to the bank and deposit my checks but so far I canít deal with walking outside my door. Iím tooÖIím going to get on the couch and crawl under my blankies.
October 13, 2004
Day 7 to Change
Weight: 2lbs closer to goal
Food eaten: Watermelon
Exodus: Psychiatrist, Costco warehouse store
Hygiene: Brushed teeth
Writing: 5 hours on story Iíll work on at writerís retreat
Chores: rearranged a corner and cleaned it up
Meditation: 30 minutes
I was proud of myself for making it into that warehouse store because they really scare me but I was just about out of toilette tissue. I went really early so I figured Iíd get the goods and get out. As I was checking out some man brushed into me from behind and I turned terrified but I didnít scream. I started sweating and could feel myself not breathing. I tensed every muscle and bee-lined for the out door. I felt like everyone was staring at me, and the beads of sweat on my forehead. I felt sick to my stomach. Iíd already felt like throwing up from the crazy traffic going to the Psychiatristís office. Usually when I leave my appointments I seek out greasy, creepy fast food. This time I came straight home.
Surprisingly, I didnít throw up. Later I ate some fresh watermelon. My stomach is feeling a little queasy still but Iíve kept it down. Itís 1pm so still plenty of time to eat something but not likely to go near a food joint. Iíve balanced the checkbook and thereís nothing to play with anyways.
Last night I decided that Iíve been focusing too much on whether people will like my work or not instead of just writing. Iíve gotten myself so twisted that when people tell me they like my writing I immediately write them off as unknowledgeable. Yeah, even people with a couple degrees! Iím silly, now I see this. I have to believe in my writing, just like my self worth, to get the respect I deserve and my work deserves!
I may not have a degree, I may not have a job, I may not have children and my sweetie doesnít even live in this state! I may not have money, a new car, new clothes or a great figure but I know who to sling a word or two! (Of course the disclaimer is that I may hate myself, and my writing by 7pm tonight but for nowÖ) I deserve more than that ratty old retreat has to offer, but Iíll let them offer me a spot in their sessions! I have more talent in one of my fingers and my mind than most writers being published today! (hahaha, not to be too arrogant! I wish I believed this wholeheartedly, wouldnít that be something!) Confidence. It must be as warm and toasty as an electric blanket!
I only got a couple hours of sleep today so Iím checking out to dream of my time at the retreat! Iím pretty tired after writing all morning. If I can get back I will.
October 12, 2004
Day 6 to change
Weight: 2lbs closer to goal weight
Food eaten: Nothing today, will have watermelon and steak
Exodus: FedX to mail off packages, Therapist, Dog park, Post Office
Exercise: Walking, Crunches
Hygiene: Shower, brushed teeth
Writing: none so far
Chores: Bills, dishes, laundry
Meditation: 30 minutes
Well since I last wrote Iíve had some hairy moments. I had to go downtown as I stated earlier. It wasnít such a great time. I thought I was lost when I was trying to find the place from the sidewalk. The people were rushing by on the right and finally I held onto an ornamental tree, the kind they decorate the front of office buildings with on the sidewalk in front and I just broke down and started crying. I was terrified that Iíd have to venture further then already had from the safety of my car. I nearly had my poor dog and myself in the street to get away from the sidewalk traffic! I was more comfortable close to the cars in the street than with the people on the sidewalk. People have arms and they can touch you! Cars can merely run you over and kill you.
It was my dogís safety that forced me back onto the curb of the sidewalk. I bee lined for the safety of a business opening and it turned out to be where I belonged. I, needless to say, blew several of the tests! I tried calming down but my memory wasnít working or something. After an hour I was ready to jump out of my skin but I still had 2 more hours to go.
Oh well. Iím still alive. I had several nights of nightmares after that. Two days ago I woke up feeling like I was having a heart attack after some creature kept trying to get me! I decided it was because of my fat, and then didnít want to eat the rest of the day.
All day I felt like an unremarkable wreck of a human being who had no reason to live. I couldnít even find a justification for my life. I was so depressed. A friend of mind who has agoraphobia actually flew to meet some other friends of ours and I called and spoke with her. I was trying to being ďhappy and cheerfulĒ but then we got into some of the feelings she was experiencing even though sheíd made this incredible journey from the safety of her home! (Which I can tell you how proud and happy I am of and for her) She tried to tell me how incredible I was and the lives I touch. I broke down and cried when I thought all morning at just how unremarkable I am and have always been. I donít want to be in the spotlight, mostly because I canít stand the thought of anyone looking at my absolutely pathetic self. Itís bad enough to know youíre pathetic without anyone looking at you and see exactly what you see should ever take a chance at looking in a mirror!
She was so kind and sweet and understanding and I felt for an instant maybe she was right maybe my life wasnít a total crapshoot. I really donít think I can be positive about this though. For one the weight loss is so slow itís like a faucet that drips but once a month. My writing, which Iíve tried to keep faith in, not because Iím good, but because I love to write, was shot down in my online screenwriting Workshop. Iím trying to get myself psyched up to write my application for a writerís retreat that Iíve longed to attend for 5 years now and Iíve never been accepted. Itís like the whole world is telling me Iím not good enough. The testing for my companyÖFailed the important ones, the screenplay, no one understood it and one person even called it a rough draft even though Iíd rewritten and reworked it. Now itís not even as good as the first draft and Iím so humiliated I canít bear to show my face in the online class!
If I were to forget that writing is the only thing I do well I could pretend being myself is better than anyone else can do me but then I looking in the mirror and see this pathetically overweight scared creature thatís supposed to pass as a human being!
Unremarkable. Thatís the book I should write. Then when no one pays attention Iíll have nothing to worry about. It wonít be expected to be published, read, or appreciatedÖ just like me. Just like me. Unremarkable.
October 6, 2004
Day 5 to Change
Weight: No Change
Food eaten: Ravioli, ribs, garlic toast, garden burgers, ice cream, grape pop
Writing: screenplay revisions
Chores: Dishwasher load and put away twice, clean kitchen
Watched a couple movies today and felt out of place all day. My revisions are going slowly and itís quite disheartening that Iíve gotten so little done. Iím tired and sleepy. My hairís a nightmare and Iíve got to go into town tomorrow to take office tests. Iím terrified of such trips. They claim it will take around 3 hours. So between 8:30 and 1pm Iíll be stuck there. At least I get to bring my dog. I donít want to go but I know itís for the best. Iíll have to leave around 7:15 in the morning just to make sure we can get into the garage and park cheaper. Downtown still freaks me out! Iíll need to pick up parking money and Iíll need to find the place too. Oh, not looking forward to tomorrow.
October 4, 2004
Day 4 to Change
Weight: No change
Food eaten: Coffee protein shake 1pm
Exodus: None so far today, but did go to Mt. Rainier with the dog on Friday. It was lovely and comforting and so nice to get out of the apt. I bought a year long National Parks pass to motivate me to continue to get out at least to nature away from people but out.
Chores: Dishes/re-inflated exercise ball/trash out/put up shelving/cleaned bathroom/ loaded dishwasher/put away dishes
Meditation: 1 hour
I decided to add meditation because I believe this will help to focus my thoughts on my goals and instill a better likelihood of action towards them. I started my day meditating. I worked on creating the questions to post around the apt to get me thinking and remembering timeís passing and I have some things to get done to get me back to my life! The song of the day for me is:
For the love of you
ďÖParadise I have within, Canít feel insecure again, youíre the key, well and this I see, Oh I seeÖĒ
Thatís where I want to be with me and thereís no one that can help me love myself better than me. The more I appreciate my body, my mind, myself it seems the more motivated I am to want to take care of myself. Not for my sweetie, although heís a great motivator, not for my clowniac savior dog, but for me the one I thought the world didnít deserve!
Sometimes when Iím exercising I just break down and cry because Iím overwhelmed at the fact Iím starting to care more about myself and living. Itís an incredible emotion. Incredible. ďÖ Paradise I have withinÖĒ How beautiful is that?!!! I just need to trust myself and my abilities to protect the ďwithinĒ enough to all0w her ďwithoutĒ for everyone else to see. I used to really believe that the world would understand something that beautiful and precious was to be cherished and treasured by virtue of it being such. How wrong I was.
Not that I believe the world is really such a hateful nasty place deep down. I think itís more akin to company not knowing how to treat your Waterford Crystal or your 17th Century antique coffee table. They just donít know the true value. Letís face it (and I am so trying to face this) people that walk into your house rarely know the worth of your treasured possessions based on seeing them the first time. Whether itís Waterford or Corning the real treasure part comes from how you feel about the item based on what you were doing at the time you acquired it or what it reminds you of etc. I wasnít raised to treasure the ďCrystalĒ of me. My spirit, my nature wasnít appreciated and I mistook that to mean I wasnít worth as much as anyone else. My parents were like children given a Waterford vase, which they figured was a perfect vessel to clean the mud off their boots. Iíll be fair, my father knew it was something precious but the responsibility and the delicacy of my spirit was too much responsibility for him handle. Heíd have felt more comfortable with just a torn rag. I believe that my father couldnít reconcile why such an incredible piece of art would be left to his care. My father saw me, and that touched me incredibly.
True story: At age 33 my mother sat me down to talk of forgiveness. I figured she wanted me to ap0logize for not doing something she wanted and was going to lord over me the fact she went through the labors of childbirth and kept a roof over my head even after my father and her divorced. I was ready to check my brain to pick up after leaving her place but then she starts in about how my parents werenít doing so well together and then she found herself in the unique position that people who copulate find themselves in most times, she was pregnant. Sheíd had my sister just a few months earlier and letís face it babiesÖ damned inconvenient I guess. So she informs me that she took some chemicals to abort the baby (ME!!!) and it didnít work. She made some deal with God that if I were born normal sheíd take good care of me. Apparently she forgot that little detail. Why she felt the need to share this horror with me Iíll never know. Maybe it was to burn down the little bit of self worth Iíd managed to build thus far. She huffed and she puffedÖ
I played it rather glib and told her I wasnít the one to apologize to and that I was quite sure God wanted me to be here and there was nothing she or anyone else on earth could do about that. She cried, I think real tears I canít say for sure. My eyes were dry and I tried to convince myself it was nothing and no big deal. When I told my friends, at that time, they looked at me completely horrified and a couple cried. I claimed it didnít bother me and even laughed at how horrible my mother could really be. I called my dad and told him what mom felt the need to share with me. He tried to blow it off and even said ďOh thatís nothing I think I got the stuff for her.Ē Apparently this wasnít the first time sheíd used the chemical and theyíd ď gotten rid of a couple pregnancies before thatĒ I asked my dad how could he do this to me! ME??!!! Dadís response: ďI didnít know you thenĒ And that was the line that saved me from dipping lower in my self-esteem at that moment. My dad realized after I arrived I was a Crystal even though he didnít quite know how to take care of one. Still true, Dad had wanted to name me Krystal with a K before my mom let his mother name me since he wasnít in the hospital. I just remembered that. Well weíve come to the emotional overload of this day and I must check out.