Health Diaries » Weight Loss » Becoming My Passion
October 12, 2004
Day 6 to change
Weight: 2lbs closer to goal weight
Food eaten: Nothing today, will have watermelon and steak
Exodus: FedX to mail off packages, Therapist, Dog park, Post Office
Exercise: Walking, Crunches
Hygiene: Shower, brushed teeth
Writing: none so far
Chores: Bills, dishes, laundry
Meditation: 30 minutes
Well since I last wrote Ive had some hairy moments. I had to go downtown as I stated earlier. It wasnt such a great time. I thought I was lost when I was trying to find the place from the sidewalk. The people were rushing by on the right and finally I held onto an ornamental tree, the kind they decorate the front of office buildings with on the sidewalk in front and I just broke down and started crying. I was terrified that Id have to venture further then already had from the safety of my car. I nearly had my poor dog and myself in the street to get away from the sidewalk traffic! I was more comfortable close to the cars in the street than with the people on the sidewalk. People have arms and they can touch you! Cars can merely run you over and kill you.
It was my dogs safety that forced me back onto the curb of the sidewalk. I bee lined for the safety of a business opening and it turned out to be where I belonged. I, needless to say, blew several of the tests! I tried calming down but my memory wasnt working or something. After an hour I was ready to jump out of my skin but I still had 2 more hours to go.
Oh well. Im still alive. I had several nights of nightmares after that. Two days ago I woke up feeling like I was having a heart attack after some creature kept trying to get me! I decided it was because of my fat, and then didnt want to eat the rest of the day.
All day I felt like an unremarkable wreck of a human being who had no reason to live. I couldnt even find a justification for my life. I was so depressed. A friend of mind who has agoraphobia actually flew to meet some other friends of ours and I called and spoke with her. I was trying to being happy and cheerful but then we got into some of the feelings she was experiencing even though shed made this incredible journey from the safety of her home! (Which I can tell you how proud and happy I am of and for her) She tried to tell me how incredible I was and the lives I touch. I broke down and cried when I thought all morning at just how unremarkable I am and have always been. I dont want to be in the spotlight, mostly because I cant stand the thought of anyone looking at my absolutely pathetic self. Its bad enough to know youre pathetic without anyone looking at you and see exactly what you see should ever take a chance at looking in a mirror!
She was so kind and sweet and understanding and I felt for an instant maybe she was right maybe my life wasnt a total crapshoot. I really dont think I can be positive about this though. For one the weight loss is so slow its like a faucet that drips but once a month. My writing, which Ive tried to keep faith in, not because Im good, but because I love to write, was shot down in my online screenwriting Workshop. Im trying to get myself psyched up to write my application for a writers retreat that Ive longed to attend for 5 years now and Ive never been accepted. Its like the whole world is telling me Im not good enough. The testing for my companyFailed the important ones, the screenplay, no one understood it and one person even called it a rough draft even though Id rewritten and reworked it. Now its not even as good as the first draft and Im so humiliated I cant bear to show my face in the online class!
If I were to forget that writing is the only thing I do well I could pretend being myself is better than anyone else can do me but then I looking in the mirror and see this pathetically overweight scared creature thats supposed to pass as a human being!
Unremarkable. Thats the book I should write. Then when no one pays attention Ill have nothing to worry about. It wont be expected to be published, read, or appreciated just like me. Just like me. Unremarkable.
Posted by ijellorca on October 12, 2004 1:05 PM | DIGG | del.icio.us | furl
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