Day 8 to Change

Weight: No change
Food eaten: Ravioli, Cake, Coffee/Cream

Exodus: None
Exercise: Field walk with Dog
Hygiene: no shower yet!
Writing: none
Chores: none
Meditation: none

It hasn�t been the best few weeks since I was here last. I�m thinking a lot about my relationship and whether I�ll be able to move from this state at all. We seem to be arguing quite a bit lately. He�s been cutting me off while I�ve tried to explain things and today I blew up about it. A week ago I was such a stressed out mess I didn�t eat or drink anything, not even a sip for 2 days. When I did eat something I ended up in the bathroom sick for 2 days! I think I would have been better not eating still. I can�t say if I�m depressed or just fed up or just limbo locked in this life of �I don�t� know where I belong.� I meditate all the time about going to the Writer�s retreat in February and March. I actually think about the possibility of getting out of the writer�s retreat and taking off for somewhere completely different to live. I fantasize about buying a little cabin somewhere far from the maddening world and just write. I used to think of running to my sweetie�s arms but today I feel that I�m not such a �sweet� thing to him. I watch this shows on marriage, and baby deliveries on the learning channel and they look so far removed from me. I�m really depressed right now. I don�t want to see or deal with anyone. After our argument this morning I turned off the ringers and unplugged the phone. I�m not going to turn it back on for a couple days. If I talk to him I�d tell him to go to hell.

It�s good that I don�t talk to him, because quite frankly I don�t know how much of my feelings are just because of my PSTD issues. Today I was all set to go to the bank and deposit my checks but so far I can�t deal with walking outside my door. I�m too�I�m going to get on the couch and crawl under my blankies.

Posted by ijellorca on October 23, 2004 3:26 PM | DIGG | del.icio.us | furl