November 29, 2004
Day 11 to Change
Weight: ???? Afraid to check
Food eaten: 4 cheese and ham grilled sandwiches, 1 chocolate ice cream bar, bowl tomato soup, bowl roasted chicken soup,2 soda pops, 1 pot of green tea
Exodus: Going to friends for Turkey dinner in about 5 hours, but have to stop at Mechanics for car to be looked at.
Hygiene: No shower yet
Writing: None yet
Chores: None yet
It hasnít been a great couple weeks. Itís been a while since I posted because Iíve been caught up in, the holiday blues quite frankly.
Itís been a couple weeks since Iíve had a shower and even though Iíve done some hand towel bathing itís not the same as getting your whole body wet. Iím feeling so depressed lately that I can feel myself slipping back into my hovel. I donít date tell my therapists because Iím supposed to be getting better. Nothing is really going my way, but then Iím so messed up that ďmy wayĒ is probably not a good path for even me.
I started gaining weight again, I can tell by the circumference of my stomach, and the spare tired thatís turning into something to fit an 18-wheeler! I was doing so good when I was posting here regularly, but right now I just want to be completely inert!
Iím going to post this and one way or another get ready to get out of here, but I really just want to sleep. Iím so out of control of my life!
It seems everything I do to help myself feels like an anvil that I canít push off my chest! I know everyone thinks Iím better but am I? Am I really? Maybe this is one of those darknesses that come before the light!
Right now itís pretty dark in here, I canít see me at all, not the real me.