January 30, 2005
Day 16 to Change
Day before Yesterday I officially broke my fast I had a can of smoked oysters and toasts. Then yesterday I had a chicken breast with brocoli and cheese with stir fried veggies in a dry non stick pan. I couldn't finish it. YEA!!! I had cofffee a few hours later and then a cup and 1/2 of 2% milk with a couple gingersnaps. Haven't eaten anything since. I'm going to pick up veggies and fruit to juice for monday. I'll do veggie/juice for 3 days at least to get further detoxified.
I feel so good about not feeling major cravings or wanting to run into kitchen because I'm bored or loney. I've been up most of the night writing and listening to the Eagles "Hotel California" Singing along with it and freezing because there's no heat on in here and I've been too caught up to turn it on. I do that get too caught up and everything else just gets ignored no matter how uncomfortable I feel. Very strange way to behave. Sometimes I think I do it because I don't think I deserve it, oh well I guess I've said that many times before... Don't deserve, my sick motto!
It says it's 65 degrees in here and 44 degrees outside, but hey it feels like it's 30 degrees right now and the deep coldness I keep feeling! could be fireplace I don't know. Between my period and fasting and eating minute amounts I could just be really out of whack.
Anways I do believe I will call it a day. Optimistic about the future weight wise for the first time in ages!!!!!
January 27, 2005
Day 15 to Change
Made it 48 hours fasting. Today I had food. Salad, garlic toast some rice and soup. Stomach cramped and so did intestines. I feel much better now. I've started my next fast I'll be going for 3 days this whole weekend. I prayed about it and 3 was the number I received to fast for. So feeling stronger than usual about food issues and smells and eating. I like not eating it's one thing that no one has control over in my life! Hopefully I'll get her tomorrow to log how the day goes. I'll consider this fast 9pm today. Now I'll take it hour by hour, day by day.... Oh dear lord three things I pray... See thee more clearly, love thee more dearly, follow thee more nearly Day by day... Day by Day.. Day by day... oh dear lord three things I pray...
January 26, 2005
Day 14 to Change
Yesterday I raged and fasted. Here are some of my thoughts...
Experiment. I have fruit and veggies and I'll try 1/2 cup of those if I start to feel like I'm starving, but otherwise I'm taking the day off from food! Just water. It's been a while and I really want to stop these errant cravings! I don't know why they started up, well except for Ms Red's visit (as my sister calls it!
I've been thinking to myself thoughts like: "What do I have that would be good and decadent!" I even thought of making chocolate cake tonight but couldn't bear the thought of eating it without anyone to stop me!!!
My sweetie works hard on the business while I'm here turning into a major eating machine! I thought about it earlier and thought how much do I love him if I jeopardize my health so recklessly. My health afects him and the rest of his life! It's terrible. He loves me depite my insecurities and my crazy days. He supports me even though I treat him bad, playfully, but nonetheless I'm a stinker! I don't do a whole lot for him. I'm not saying I have to lose weight for him. He told me the other day that I'm only flipping out because of my self because he loved me sight unseen even before we got together.
This man, this sweet man just continues to love me the bigger I get and I'm ashamed of my non-focusing willy nilly eating and behaviors toward myself. I think I'm not being intropective enough. I'm working on my routine but it's not enough. I really need to get still. Get into the Quiet of me and my purpose! I've been out of touch with this lately.
I hope to get through the next 24 hours to jump start my thinking and behavior and start cleansing my system of all the crap that I've been shoving into it foolishly.
I don't want diabeties, or heart attack, or skin that will never snap back. I don't want any of the weight related issues that come with keeping excessive weight on my little tiny bone structure!
I told my friend I was having hunger pangs at 10AM then I told her my stomach and hunger pangs and food in general can go F*%! themselves!!! She said "is that the same mouth you eat with" of course I said not today!!! I'm angry at food today and my betraying body! But Hey I'm in control today and I just drank more water! I love my G, I love me, and FAT and negative behaviors are not going to control my life Dang it!!! Of Course I really wanted a pork chop or something then! But an hour later I'm hating it all again and feeling spiteful enough to deny food forever!
I'm thinking that there's nothing on earth to eat at this moment that I can't actually get again to eat in the next year, or 5 years! There's nothing I really HAVE TO HAVE now! Maybe I'll start a wish account and everything I want to have I can write down and agree to have later at some undetermined time in the future, a future far far away from today!!!
I'm noticing that even my physical temperature comfort is affecting my desires for food. When I'm freezing like now I want beans and soupie things and I really lean toward comfort foods! When it's warm or hot I'm loving the salads and ice cold water etc. Maybe I'll boil some water later, but trying to avoid the kitchen like the plague.
Why is it soo danged easy to eat! Why isn't there a sanQuentin application process for visiting a death row inmate that takes weeks of background checks to okay or deny and to reapply for??? I don't want to be on death RoW!! That's all fat is to me today death.
Oh forgive my rambling it's just an internal fight to not give in to unnecessary sabotaging of my health!
While fasting, I lamented to Gaetano and he thinks I'm going over board on the weightloss thing. He wants me to drink a protein shake but I refuse. I'm getting the empty stomach burps now! usually that's when the hunger pangs start digging deep into your mind!! I think this is more about my battle with food and the desire to misuse it than it is about fasting but I'll fast and maybe I'll fast until I realize that food is just fuel and nothing more even though we open new restaurants daily to get us to go worship the stuff 24 hours a day!!!
I really am mad at food! I think it's evil! It's worse than a demon wanting to possess your soul! You ingest it and pretty soon your butt won't fit in the chair, the car, your jeans!!! you suck it up and then you find you can't breathe as well or walk as far or jump as high! My body's being taken over by a cancerous demon, how is it any different than cancer? Pretty soon no one will recognize me if I keep getting bigger!!
Okay not a great day for me, but Damn it I'm not eating!!!
Sorry I'm so nasty... Alcoholics have nothing on me!!
my mind is in a fog of hatefullness and food! I'm so angry I've let myself gain weight! I'm angry about the whole struggle! Angry that my mom didn't wouldn't pick me up from Basketball practice when no one wanted to drive the "black" girl home as well as Tennis! I'm angry that I didn't insist the school district provide transportation since there was no buses to get home. If our mom hadn't moved us to such a racist place I might have had some considerations and girls that play sports in high school do better in life physically and career wise. I would have been a punching bag busdriver or have FAT hanging off my fingers and chin!!
I wish I'd grown up with Naturalpathic parents who believed in healthy foods and exercise instead of hot dogs and banquet chicken because she was too lazy to cook real dinners or make salads.
sigh. This detox thing is something else I'm beginning to think I'm crazy. I know I can't blame my weight on my up bringing but let's face it there were situations to help the fat along!
I told G that I was angry and pissed off and he said "Who did it honey, where are they? I'll kick their butts!" so I said
Well it's 12 noon twelve more hours to go!!!!!
"Friggin Fat, Damned fat!! did it Honey!" So he starts ranting and raving that he'll get the fat he'll take it out, take it down whatever I want! hahaha God I love that man!
Grrr!!! We deserve better! We're Goddesses afterall, food should bend to us and cravings should be bannished along with fat and frustrations! I don't think I've ever been this angry at food and fat and loss of control of myself. I'm not leaving here either! The fog's rolled in again and it can stay for weeks I don't care I'm coming out of this fight one of these days with the body I'm supposed to have and the attitude that is befitting a Goddess Warrior Queen who dictates what I want to be tempted with and it sure isn't anything that goes in my mouth!
You're in control whether you eat candy or not so long as you're okay with the consequences. My consequences for today is not going to therapy(since I'm soooo vulnerable)
and not getting really anything done. My focus is taking a lot of strength! I just looked at a roll of Ritz crackers and thought: "what's one cracker?" But for me, today, for me it would be failure! I'm making a stand against even myself if I keep convincing myself of BS like: "oh this one won't hurt, or at least it's healthy" It's not BS for everyone but it's BS when I'm talking to myself because I know just one thing in my mouth will leave me feeling defeated and worthless and under someone else's control.
I'm coming from a feeling just weeks ago that I couldn't even lose weight!! I'd look at people's before and after photos and think, I'd never be one of them. Then I'd go eat something to make me feel better (BS!!! I ate something to take my mind off of my situation!!)
I just can't stand it any more!
There's enough Chocolate in the world to literally kill you from overingestion, as in being poisioned from chocolate!
What can you come up with that you'll never get to partake in again if you give it up for a spell?
Coffee, sugar, meat? Cake pretzels, chips?
What won't be there tomorrow is your health if you down the offending junk over and over. Size 8 isn't in food, it's in your heart and your head!
It's what you think you want to be.
Oh I don't know I'm just thinking I need to sleep for a bit to quell my temptations and buy myself more time! I'm at 13 hours now only 11 more hours to go!!!
I WILL NOT LET "MYSELF" STAND IN MY WAY!!!!
I suspect I'll be angry for some time!!! My anger has given me great strength today!
I slept for 3-1/2 hours. Got up and lost some toxins in the bathroom! feeling better and not really hungry. Okay not hungry. Stomach feels empty and light. Headache's gone.
Thick as pea soup fog outside and that seems symbolic to me. I think this fog is how I see things with weight and food issues. I'm going to get out this fog. Unfortunately the fog has been a safe haven for me for soooo long. When there's fog no one really sees me or realizes how creepy I've been with food.
No pain really. Foggy headache a couple times but that subsided with water mostly. I didn't drink a lot of water, just sipped on it all day I didn't even drink a half gallon. I didn't want to feel that "full" sensation of water swirling around in the stomach reminding me how empty it was. The red tide still enforce so the crampiness is hitting at the moment but otherwise I'm good. I don't feel hungry.
So...not sure what I'll do tomorrow. I won't be rushing into kitchen at midnight. That would tick me off too. I'm much calmer now...
19 hours now and counting!!! only 5 hours left!
I've got veggies and fruits, will use those to stave off any ravenous feelings but right now I'm going to see how long I can go and make note of my body's response. Years ago I used to do this for fun but I'm really out of touch with my body!! Today right now I'll see where this Jump start takes me!
Even G's feeling like jump starting things but he won't fast he's leaning towards more healthy foods. He thinks this may just get me on my way and I know he's right!
The thoughts, they do betray and annoy. I just take a sip of water.
My eyes are clearer, less bloodshot. I felt the "exciteable" twitch under my closed eyelids when I was sleeping. I felt electric all over my body for that matter. I'm burping a lot too.(smile)
It seems like in the back of my brain and spinal cord I can feel toxins being eaten up!! hahah most likely my imagination but I feel something back there. Some sort of prostaglandin release or serotonin or something eh?
I love the emptiness of my stomach, it feels relaxed right now like someone would after fighting a great fight. Thus begins the rest of my life as a fighter, and no longer a victim. Today I choose to carry on the fight with another 24 hours and see what manifestations it holds for my mind and body. Today, this time, today I know I can do it and my anger shall be less intense.
All my anger yesterday though, it opened my eyes about a lot of things, and the discussions I had with everyone who'd listen really helped me see sooo much about me. afraid to "give up certain foods" I so feel that way most of the time....
What if I don't give it up completely, I'll feel like a fraud or what if giving it up makes me run to that certain food and eat it like it's going out of style... it strengthened my fast because I had to realize that I could have that food again, it wasn't lost to me forever. The worst that could really happen is I'd find out I'd never want it again because it didn't hold the "taste" it used to.
According to my fasting books frequently when one fasts a lot they find things they loved to eat before no longer hold their joy over you. The more in touch I get with my deeper eating issues I find the less ice cream has a role in my life.
I feel like I'm on a ship sailing towards points unknown right now. I feel like I'm breaking the major ties holding me down in my life. I can feel the fresh frozen salt air all over and the fog that still surrounds my place deeply is slow to reveal the amazing future I feel I'm about to partake in literally for life.
I feel safe right this moment, embraced by the fog and darkness of early morning. Listening to Mary Chapin Carpenter and letting her haunting beautiful voice guide me...
I can't help crying thinking of how monumental yesterday has been for my spirit, heart and life.Now I feel good. I can brush my teeth with baking soda and make some hot water to warm me up. I've fought one of the biggest fights of my life and today I'll fast another 24 hours, because I know I can!
January 19, 2005
Day 13 to Change
Weight: No Change
Food eaten: Pear, oatmeal
Exodus: none planned
Exercise: none so far will do abs
Writing: 3 hours
Chores: None yet, planning on dishes, put away groceries(been sitting all over kitchen for almost a week -non perishables)
Meditation: None yet hope to do some before nap
Started out day with Pear and about 6 hours later oatmeal. So far okay, still haven't made pot of tea. Stomach is a little upset and cramps making stomach region Ucky. I'm tired. I don't know why my period gets me so sluggish these days.
STill waiting to start the weight loss program through my job but they keep screwing up and it's set up such aura of mistrust on them that I don't think my expereince will be as good as I had originally hoped. It's going to be all I put into. I've already decided I only want to deal with them when I have to and don't want to put any more time and effort into it. I've got the Curves membership and more than enough work out videos to use. I just wanted that place to jump start my routine anyways because I'll be obligated to workout 3 days a week for an hour with a personal trainer.
My sleep's been interrupted for 2 days and with the hormonal fluctuations it's got me pretty low on energy to tackle just a regular day! I've got some work to do but I'm not ready to do "tasks" really just drift into a room and do some stuff drift out and do some stuff elsewhere. Since tomorrow's Thursday I'll get things ready to mail off. I need to finish my sweetie's jeans. Said I'd mend them and now I'm afraid he'll not like my job. I wish I wasn't so messed up. It's so embarrassing.
In a couple weeks I'll be 42, ain't that a shame. Big big shame to look like this and not sure if I'd rather hide under blankies for the rest of my life or actually take a stab at living really living and then miss alltogether! Fear of success? Just plain fear period!
January 18, 2005
Day 12 to Change
Weight: Still afraid to check, but soon Definitely by the end of the month
Food eaten: So far nothing. Had two peach iced teas
Exodus: Set up Auntís Computer/Samís Club it rained all day
Exercise: None today so far, the urge is getting stronger again
Hygiene: Been so long since shower itís frightening but I do sponge bathe. Not sure what the shower aversion is at moment, maybe just the cold. Iím freezing all the time now
Writing: Way behind on my installment stories, itís shameful and I feel lost not writing as much as I need.
Chores: Ran dishwasher
Meditation: Iím afraid to face my thoughts mostly so havenít done this either.
Iím not sure where I am in my progress. I do things; I make my appointments. I think a lot. Iím constantly realizing things and Iím hoping itís the chaos before the calm, or breakthrough.
Iíve instituted Routine in my life thatís minimal and Iím trying to build a new routine item into my daily grind each week. I started with at least 2 cups of water before starting the day and then a protein shake for breakfast. I must drink a pot of tea before anything else in the day.
Itís kept me from having coffee because sometimes I donít get my tea down and then after 4 cups of tea I donít feel like getting down coffee. Itís not that I actually had a coffee problem but itís a splurge with the creamer and all.
This week Iím supposed to be incorporating weightlifting. I didnít get it started yesterday because the ruby red of life started and drained me of all energy and will to do more than observe life passing me by. Today I will try to get a shower in. If not Iíve done something to entice me into the ritual of it though. Iíve ordered a bunch of wonderful bath brushes and natural soaps and shampoos. Iíll start exfoliating my skin. Thatís something I neglect almost cruelly!
My skin is so dry it cracks! If I didnít know better (and thereís no guarantee that I do) Iíd think this is another way of punishing myself. Iíve bought too many signals from family, job, myself that I donít matter and should be quietly be DISAPPEARED. I look at people living life and wonder where I really could fit in. I have no children to ďlive forĒ and my dogs are too beautiful to not be adopted by someone if not my own friends and family. My lover does pretty well without me in another state. He says not and itís quite possible he needs me more than I want to allow myself to believe. Mostly I feel like a tainted burden around his neck with all the other stressors this life packs onto his already over-laden back. I still havenít figured out if loving him Iíd do better by leaving him to not have me around to spoil things.
I guess you could say Iím depressed, maybe. Such a clichť as this means very little to me these days. Itís like the Billie Holiday song ďGood morning Heartache,Ē only replace heartache with (Depression) and youíve got my daily dance, weekly affair with the one thing that sticks with me even when I believe Iíve finally overcome or shook itís presence, charm, and hold.
Irene higginbotham / ervin drake / dan fisher
Good morning heartache (Depression)
You old gloomy sightGood morning heartache (Depression)
Thought we said goodbye last night
I turned and tossed until it seems you have gone
But here you are with the dawn
Wish I forget you, but youíre here to stay
It seems I met youWhen my love went away
Now everyday I stop Iím saying to you
Good morning heartache (Depression) whatís new
Stop haunting me now
Canít shake you nohow
Just leave me alone
Iíve got those Monday blues
Straight to Sunday blues
Good morning heartache (Depression)
Here we go again
Good morning heartache (Depression)
Youíre the oneWho knows me well
Might as well get use to you hanging around
Good morning heartache (Depression)
Oh well. Iím too tired to fight it off really. I pretend really well for my docs and ďmanaging health care teamĒ mostly because I donít want to end up in some hospital or on stronger drugs. Itís a silent journey because the more people know the more they intrude. Sometimes I feel like people who ďcareĒ are like people waking you up constantly when youíre exhausted and just need to get 5 more minutes of sleep. In that moment you almost hate them fore trying to steal you from that rich luxurious coziness that warm blankies and sleep provide.
Itís not that Iím decadently not wanting to get better, just donít know that I believe itís possible really. And one thing that holds true with the last year is Iím really tired. Iím tired of swimming upstream futile with the other instinctual brother/sister salmon. Instead of crying through all my sessions and trying to convince people that drugs just depress me more I give up and do whatever they expect of me, then I come home and catatonically guard my true condition. Itís like holding your breath until you get somewhere safe.
I donít want people coming here and I definitely donít want to go anywhere, but I do enough to keep from being ďfound outĒ If the people in my life knew Iíd be too ashamed to live further. I just keep hoping Iíll ďSnapĒ out of it on my own and some little thing will serve as a magnificent catalyst to this event. What I really donít know. Maybe my routine will erode my apathy. One can only pray, and I do pray, God is my glimmer of hope and it reduces me to a humbling crying mess when I realize how unworthy I feel about everything.
Occasionally I feel uplifted, and I really think Iím on my way to that light at the end of the tunnel, but I slip so instantly and thatís what has lost me pretty much all hope of believing life could really truly get better for me. The only thing that I can see that could possibly turn things around is if I was to fast and cleanse myself completely but I start and then I donít finish and then I feel lower than before. I believe itís going to have to happen to get me back on a track that spirals Mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually back up towards the light of my soul. Would that I had the courage and constant focus to do this. Right now. Not for two days or a week but maybe 40 days and nights the way Christ Did. Something that would be my little secret something that might help me more than hiding my current depressive, defeatist nature.
Ah well Iíve just about exhausted my strength on trying to exercise my demons. Me. Hard to believe itís been so long since I last posted but depression has a way of lulling you into a deep sleep about landmarks of reality. Why I can talk about it and still be so weird I cannot tell you. Alas thatís it for energy writing today.
P. S. Thank you linda for reminding me to get in here and post. Your attention to me though little, is like a hand appearing in deep to grab hold to. It's enough to get me to post, which is really good for me I believe. Again. Thanks and God Bless!