February 28, 2005
Well after a month of absence, I will say that I’m not doing so hot. I feel incredibly low today. The Rain has been refreshing, so sick of the sun I finally closed my curtains yesterday.
I’ve been thinking about the way I behave in my life. Little attempts, stabs, if you will, at living or having hope but I don’t think I like myself. I think I really hate myself and I’m really starting to believe that being “gone” is a better less invasive place for my mind to be as well as my body, still the constant struggle with the weight! I’m exhausted from my whole life.
I’m tired of trying to keep up a long distance relationship, of taking care of my dogs and of half-heartedly believing there’s a light at the end of this tunnel. There’s no tunnel, I’m under about 50 feet of water and the light’s getting dimmer and dimmer. I’m one of those people I used to cry about who eventually took their lives. Their need for help was soo tragic and now I finally understand why not much would have helped. These low moments keep coming and so much more frequently that pretty soon they aren’t just moments they’re beads upon a necklace but the beads are crowding the chain so much it’s become a choker and my life is getting choked right out of me. If nothing else, certainly the desire to live is being choked away.
I figure I’m already trying to kill myself with food and depression so maybe I’ll think of another “new” way to let the life slip quietly away… not eating. I already have a hard time getting it in regularly. I ordered all these fresh veggies to cook for my meals and good proteins like cottage cheese and some lean meats but I’m constantly cold and never really sure if I should try or give up and that conflict is wearing me down. My sweetie and I get in fights and I feel responsible which makes me angry that I still feel the need to take on other people’s junk despite I’m drowning already.
Of Course I wouldn’t dare tell my therapist/ or psych. That would mean more medicine and more counseling and feeling like even less of a humane being than I feel like I am right now.
After I fasted earlier my chemistry started changing and I had this period from hell! Bloody clots were just constantly coming out for more than a month only stopping one day at a time. It was profuse with liver looking things the size of small cookies and such. It looked like a blood bath every time I used the bathroom or changed pads! Then finally it cleared up and the period’s been light since. It’s still not sure if it wants to keep coming though, but nothing hugely clotty coming out.
Water consumption is iffy not because I don’t want it, I do, but it’s kind of like the cold I leave windows open and don’t turn on the heat even when it’s less than 40 degrees F. outside. I’m convinced that I don’ t want to stay here and I’m preparing to be gone. I know there’s depression peering out from this behavior but I don’t oddly feel bad about that. I just feel bad about the struggle and having to take another step in life because if I don’t someone will lock me up or something worse.
Maybe writing this will exorcise my demons but right now I don’t want them to. I’ll be sliding under the blankies soon and crouching from the code until it’s time to feed the dogs. They deserve a better caretaker and yet if I give them away someone would be notified I was as messed up as I feel so I’ll bide my time. It might take me a year or two, but I’ll figure a way to either straighten up completely or leave for good. Because I hate medicine I’d never take pills or anything like that but food and shelter are two things I can ignore conveniently while I’m still living alone.
G, my sweetie gets angry when I share anything personal about us or myself to my friends or family so… I’ll just keep it here where I can talk to myself and think without reactions to scare me, or make me angrier.
I’ll try to write tomorrow, I’ve been longing to journal so this has been good for me.