May 30, 2005
Well I felt simply domestic this weekend. I vacuumed and organized freezer, and then cleaned out fridge, then straightened out dining room area. Started laundry got 3 loads done. Made Zucchini bread and smothered squash on Saturday and then BaBaQ’d a few ribs on grilled a small roast and corn on the cob. Everything was done slow and it was fun.
I especially enjoyed doing these things for me only and no one else. That’s rare for me.
Anyways I’m beginning my time as an unemployed person. And all the paperwork associated with it. I almost don’t want to go to my workouts anymore since I’ve been off it a week it’s nice to not have to make the long drive. I just want to go to curves instead, it’s close to home and I can do my own workouts here. I’m getting more and more into working on me. After all what else is there to do? Especially when no one wants you for a job.
Got into a little tiff with G tonight. There are times I just want to be free of everyone in my life! I wish I had the money to just drive off and start anew anywhere but here in my life. I’m going to try to put half of my unemployment away in savings. By the time I get a job I’ll be in better shape!
Floating… I’m just floating!
May 25, 2005
I just wish everyone would leave me alone! I don’t want to talk, I don’t want to “hash it out” at least not with them. Well not with anyone. It’s like every time someone tells me what’s not fair about Inconsistencies of my life it’s like someone ramming a huge sward in my back! I just hate talking about it! I barely can stand writing about it to myself like this. I told my G I want to break up, he said I don’t have to sleep with anyone to break up with him. If I want to break up we can break up. Talking to him annoys me the most because he’s the only phone call I’ll answer. He keeps saying that he doesn’t know what he should do! God like who said he should do anything?
That’s one thing I’ve always found extremely faulty about trying to “comfort” someone! You actually end up putting the person “going through” into the position of having to take care of the “comforting the comfortee!” How sick is that! I just don’t need “what they’re going through watching me” whirling around in my head right now! I don’t ever need it and that’s one thing I hate about people “worrying about me!” I just want to be left alone to, do absolutely nothing. I’m thinking that I may even need to find the dogs another home before the summer’s out if I don’t get some useless job that can sustain this apartment. I’ve signed the lease for a year, but don’t know when or if I’m getting paid again.
To switch to unemployment I have to have some form from the lady I’ve just found out is on vacation till next week. Oh well.
To think I used to think this world didn’t deserve me. The sad truth is I don’t deserve the world I guess.
When you find out you’re the most unremarkable person in the world. What could ever motivate you?
6 Feet under and going down!
Today I took my dogs to the groomer’s and I was extremely inpatient with them! I actually yelled at them before handing them over to the groomer! They probably wanted to call the SPCA on me! I went home and hid under my blankies and went to sleep. When I woke up I thought I might comb my hair so I did do that. I thought about taking the kids for burgers after picking them up from the groomers, but decided against it. We stopped for fish instead and I got a couple of sandwiches that I put in the fridge. I don’t want to think about food or making it. Yesterday I thought why buy food. I thought if I really wanted to “end it all, without telling anyone or going through all the junk with family and friends I could just stop eating systematically. I just want to be away and out of my life, my skin, my head. I told my sweetie today that I couldn’t bear one more disappointment. I just can’t take it. He thinks that sets me up for failure. Sheesh! My whole life is one big blankin failure! I’ve been trying to figure out what I can do that requires no skill, no brains, and no hope and couldn’t affect me in any disappointing manner.
The weather’s been so beautiful OUTSIDE!
I feel completely empty inside. I wouldn’t be honest if I said that I was bitter, I just don’t care anymore. I don’t want to lift a finger to ask anyone else for anything, not one single thing. It’s 6pm, the day held nothing, I feel nothing, and tomorrow will be just the same. On of my best pals has called for a couple days but I don’t want to talk to anyone. I barely want to talk to G, my sweetie. I don’t understand why he loves me; I can’t see anything for him to love. I keep trying to figure out a way to break up with him. I don’t think he’d ever leave me unless I slept with someone else. I just can’t imagine doing that when I don’t want to. I think Gaetano needs to move on.
I wish I wasn’t so lost about life now, but I’m lost. I don’t want to be found because honestly I don’t really think this world is for me.
I keep thinking that maybe something will happen to raise me out of what a friend called a “sinkhole” but nothing feels good, tastes good, and makes me feel anything. I want to meditate, but meditate for what??? More disappointment? God, help me I don’t I just don’t understand why I’m where I’m here. Maybe that’s why, I just “Don’t get it” and that’s why my life is a shambles with no hope.
How do you dig out from a grave? What could ever motivate you to do so?
May 24, 2005
If there's a way in there's a way out??? Wow, Really?
I was watching “Starting Over” and Iyanla was speaking to a woman who realized she’s in a serious addiction hole! I’m sure this woman feels like she’s in a grave 12 feet under with less than 1 cubic inch of air! I feel like that and that’s with my excess fat, no job, and no hopeful prospects available to me right now. But you know, Iyanla said something that really hit me today. She told this woman: “You know it’s okay because if there is a way for you to get here there’s a way for you to get out!” And I started thinking to myself….hmm. What can I do everyday that will get me out of this rut? What can I use for my shovel?
It’s the first peak of hope that I think I can grasp at since Saturday.
Still Updrafts and Aftershocks
I just don’t know how to “get over” something that I just believed should have been. I just knew I had that 911 Operator job, my experience dictated it, my typing skills proved it, but because I let some rude woman disrupt me and a nasty test proctor ignore me and the fact I didn’t speak up when things were going seriously and unfairly awry I’m out of the running.
I wish I had it in me to want “nasty” things to happen to the people involved. I wish I believed in putting Voodoo curses or hexes on people. I wish I could get myself to react violently to things, but it’s just not my way. My way is to try to pry the fingers off of my neck from the guy who choked me with the worst assault I had on my previous job. My way is to avoid hurting him even though he repeated choked, punched me and tried to rip out my hair and scratched up my face. What part do I always miss about people’s nasty intentions or “ulterior” motives with me?
I’m always worried about irreparable damage when defending yourself. If I had gauged the man’s eye out I’d have to relieve that thought process on top of the whole horrid attack.
I’m constantly reacting too slowly to acute situations because I just want to make sure I’ve not “misunderstood” the moment. I do understand the moment but I just don’t want to believe that’s what’s really going on with this “fellow” human being. I don’t want to believe “humans” are so selfish, conniving or violent, just ready to accept that as a truth. Still how many times I’ve had that “truth” shoved into my face that I’m beginning to believe I’m really insane. Only an insane would continue trusting in the same “belief” expecting different results, especially results that are theologically ideal.
So now we arrive at the crux of my problem… my life. What to do with it now. I’m still smarting from the bruises and I’m bitter at me, my life, anything to do with it, my lover, my friends, all “well-wishers” who want me and themselves to believe things will get better. I believe that happens for most people. No longer believe it for me.
When I look outside, the beautiful outside I realize that life is passing me by and I guess I no longer want to participate in the “dream” after why participate in something that will never be “true” for me. It used to be very long ago. Even the love of my life is far away in living another life far from me. For whatever the reasons, even that is like a carrot that’s perpetually tied to a stick in front of me leading me around for other people’s needs none of mine.
It’s so appropriate all the storming lately because it’s cleaning out my thoughts and my understandings.
I just feel like saying “okay” to everything everyone says just so I can get back to the one place I know I’m safe and okay under blankies on my couch. If I set my sights and goals on that, then it’s something I know I can “achieve” someplace I know I know I can get to. I’m not sure how I’m going to continue to pay for my “couch-Blankie” escape but I guess I’ll go as long as I can until everything comes undone and I’ve no where else to go. Then I pray I’ll disappear far from a world that doesn’t seem to want me, really want me, need me or know a use for me. And I can disappear without any guilt or suicidal repercussions. I’ll just cease to exist. I wish I could do that now. I wish it would all just end. Am I committing suicide by giving up? I don’t think so, I’m just filling the “order” the world demanded… for me to be gone.
Even watching other people happy doesn’t excite me for me, just for them. It just tells me how incapable I am to partake in life, real life.
All in all, I’ve never been sadder, I’ve never been tired of trying, but I just feel my history for the past few years has shown that I’m running in place and somehow moving backwards!
May 23, 2005
I wanna go home
Not passing the test for the job I was seeking due to some rude distractions and a testing proctor from hell Struck me so hard it shook my foundations in tsunamic proportions. I did better when I didn't talk about the fiasco, but as times drags me with it reluctantly kicking and screaming I must take responsibility for my life such that it is. All these self doubts drift thick as pea soup fog around my head...
*Am I good enough, will I ever be
*Why must I freak out in such innocuous situations
*What will I ever be good at?
*What is this whole thing telling me? that I'm in denial about my talents on no talent?
*How come my perspectives are so askewed of everyone else?
*What about all my beliefs, Is this in line with what I know of my "higher self?"
*What about faith? am I just a nut drinking a martini with a chunk of ice the size of a grapfruit in my glass claiming there's no icebergs in the area on the titanic.
*Why can't I get a grip anywhere in my life.
*Do all my hopes have to end like the Hindenberg?
*Is Hope something only for people with more brains, sense, better genes, money or friends, or maybe Hope is the Holy Grail and hidden from distasters like me... and the fog thickens ruthlessly
I could just run to St. Louis and let my fellow tiger pal, G lick my wounds and hide between his legs from everything, but then what kind of tiger paw pal would he be getting? I just can't see doing that and having any self respect left to face myself even in my dreams.
I listen to all my loving connections and their concerns and well wishings and comforting words but that leads me to hold in my big sorrow. I say I'm okay or feeling better but the tears fall indefinitely and I'm just sad. I'm so very sad.
Inconsolable, I know what that is now. I look back on my achievements in the last couple years
-Didn't move to St. Louis
-Not married Yet
-Not pregnant Yet
-Lost my Job
-Beaten up repeatedly by people who evaded prosecution
-Hit by drunk driver who evaded prosecution (he has rights the prosecuter told me!)
-Gained ridiculous amount of weight
-Wasn't accepted at Hedgebrook, writer's retreat for the 5th time
-Didn't get job I was perfect for.
-Left the view of the big wide world for something more compact and microscopic only to find I'm still not safe from the pains of this world.
If I were in the business for disappointments I'd be the richest woman in the world.
Meditated earlier today, with the help of Dr. Wayne Dyer's wisdoms and I realized that I'm out of alignment somewhere deep at my core. I am responsible for my reality and that's the scariest thought of all. So what kind of abstract painting thought process causes this life of mine. hmm.
I don't know. I'll move on deeply bruised eventually but that's life, since I'm not qualified to end it, I'll live it at moment lost, confused and wishing my number had taken me out of the merrygoround called my life.
It's beauiful outside always outside. Where do I fit in? I don't know where I belong anymore.
"Another summer day
has come and gone away
In Paris or Rome...
but I wanna to go home
May be surrounded by
a million people I
still feel all alone
I wanna go home
I miss you, you know
I’m just too far
From where you are
I wanna come home
"And I feel just like I'm living
someone else's life
It's like I just stepped outside
When everything was going right"
words from M.Buble's song "Home"
that's how I feel right now about me, too far from the "me" I used to be, the confident friendly, sociable, skilled SMALLER me.
~I have a best friend who calls me to tell me he's thinking about me and how much he loves me and how he just got goosepimples and that "fuzzy" feeling thinking about me. How many people have that.
~I have friends that seem to know and love me even though they've never met me.
~I have two nice furballs that sometimes like me at feeding time
~I have 3 friends that won't leave me no matter how creepy I've been growing up and conform readily to my quirky needs as the "new me" even though they got on this train as the old me who was so effervescent that we often had strangers join us where ever we went. Now they don't even know if they'll be turned away when they come by because I'm unable to cope with myself, let alone myself being around other people.
I have love, I have life, but I feel like I'm too far from home to be free anymore. Every landmark of hope seems to dissappear just before I reach it and the directions to life have flown out the window. Convertibles. my life is flying out of the car down the highways and I'm lost. no map, no money and nothing but unending highway before me. I hope the gas holds.