6 Feet under and going down!

Today I took my dogs to the groomer’s and I was extremely inpatient with them! I actually yelled at them before handing them over to the groomer! They probably wanted to call the SPCA on me! I went home and hid under my blankies and went to sleep. When I woke up I thought I might comb my hair so I did do that. I thought about taking the kids for burgers after picking them up from the groomers, but decided against it. We stopped for fish instead and I got a couple of sandwiches that I put in the fridge. I don’t want to think about food or making it. Yesterday I thought why buy food. I thought if I really wanted to “end it all, without telling anyone or going through all the junk with family and friends I could just stop eating systematically. I just want to be away and out of my life, my skin, my head. I told my sweetie today that I couldn’t bear one more disappointment. I just can’t take it. He thinks that sets me up for failure. Sheesh! My whole life is one big blankin failure! I’ve been trying to figure out what I can do that requires no skill, no brains, and no hope and couldn’t affect me in any disappointing manner.

The weather’s been so beautiful OUTSIDE!

I feel completely empty inside. I wouldn’t be honest if I said that I was bitter, I just don’t care anymore. I don’t want to lift a finger to ask anyone else for anything, not one single thing. It’s 6pm, the day held nothing, I feel nothing, and tomorrow will be just the same. On of my best pals has called for a couple days but I don’t want to talk to anyone. I barely want to talk to G, my sweetie. I don’t understand why he loves me; I can’t see anything for him to love. I keep trying to figure out a way to break up with him. I don’t think he’d ever leave me unless I slept with someone else. I just can’t imagine doing that when I don’t want to. I think Gaetano needs to move on.

I wish I wasn’t so lost about life now, but I’m lost. I don’t want to be found because honestly I don’t really think this world is for me.

I keep thinking that maybe something will happen to raise me out of what a friend called a “sinkhole” but nothing feels good, tastes good, and makes me feel anything. I want to meditate, but meditate for what??? More disappointment? God, help me I don’t I just don’t understand why I’m where I’m here. Maybe that’s why, I just “Don’t get it” and that’s why my life is a shambles with no hope.
How do you dig out from a grave? What could ever motivate you to do so?

Posted by ijellorca on May 25, 2005 6:42 PM | DIGG | del.icio.us | furl