Health Diaries » Becoming My Passion » January 2006

January 31, 2006

And the rivers ran red

So the period starts. I can’t remember if it’s on time or not, but generally when I fast the period starts. I wonder how it will manifest for the whole 7 days. When I was in high school and fasted it would end super early if I had started during a fast, but these days it seems to make things more profuse. According to one book on fasting, the things that manifest during your fast have more to do with your own body being toxic or out of balance than having to do with a “Fast.”

125 hours left from 168 and 5 hours until I reach day 3. No hunger at the moment. The rain is pouring and it was rather stormy earlier today so I read more fasting information: “Fasting To Freedom, a revolution of body and spirit” by Ron Lagerquist. I’ve read this book many times before it comforts me. Mr. Lagerquist speaks about the whole process, physical, spiritual and many of the healing aspects including the eating issues that accompany those who abuse their body via the process. It’s quite thorough. He has 4 books that you can get through his “Renewed Health” website.

1. Fasting To Freedom
2. Foundation To All Freedom
3. North American Diet
4. Whole Foods & Healing Recipes

My sweetie got the books too and uses the juicing information. I’m pretty basic when I juice: carrots and something, apples, garlic, celery…whatever sounds good at the time I’m juicing and is in the apartment.

My mouth is starting to get that “acetone” state. The tongue is turning white and I can feel that acidotic excitement of my nerve endings. It’s subtle but more pronounced when I try to sleep. I really feel it under my eyelids when I’m sleeping. Mr. Lagerquist talks about how the body goes through and eliminates scar tissues and fatty deposits and dead cells during the fast and I love the thought of that, getting rid of things that don’t assist with the best functionality of my system. It makes the idea of fasting so much more enticing.

I will say that everything in my life has slowed down though in the past couple days. I’m writing more, watching less TV and reading more. I can’t stand the “yelling of TV” right now, or even long drawn out phone conversations about nothing. I’ve been more sequestered. I was going to do Super Bowl here with a friend but she wanted to go to a movie or shopping since almost everyone in Washington State will be watching the game. I bowed out of that, I think this is wonderful historical stuff for Seattle; I was here when they were trying out people for the team! I used to know some of the starting players way back then. Ha ha, my age is showing! Still, it will be nice to spend Super bowl alone because no snacks or sugar drinks etc that traditionally go with the game. I can watch and yell at the end of my fast and maybe the Hawks will win to seal the moment historically for me period!

Another interesting thing about not eating is how much time changes for you. I’m used to sort of passing the segments of the day by my eating. Either I’ve got a couple hours to eat the next small meal or I’m thinking, “Have I had dinner yet, or when’s the last time I ate?” Now you look at the time and it seems like there’s so much more! I know there isn’t really and it isn’t as if I spent an hour eating, but I guess, preparation, or cleaning of dishes or something, especially when you work from home non-traditionally, (well when I work!) There’s really a bit of a lull in the business and such at the moment.

I just remembered that I’ve got some thawed Hamburger meat to cook up tonight. Smells! That will be major temptation for sure, but I know that in 4 days I can have the burgers if I choose. They’ll be cooked and shifted straight to the freezer. Speaking of freezer that’s a good idea to defrost the freezer during this digestinal vacation!

I really think this fast is saving my life somehow, funny.

Well unless I feel like I need to write out any up crops of hunger pangs I guess this will be it for today.

Posted by ijellorca at 6:27 PM | Comments (2)

Six down 381 to go…

And I believe I’ll be able to breath in the beautiful mountain air! Sigh!

134 more hours till the end of the Daniel Fast. Last night around Midnight my stomach almost seemed to ache but I just stayed under my blankies and hoped sleep would come sooner. I dropped off around 1:30 AM but felt no hunger when I got moving this morning. Finally took the dogs downstairs and the cool air felt refreshing. I don’t believe I’ll workout this morning, maybe later. I just feel like I’m in a subtle smooth comfortable fog. I prayed a lot last night for simply everyone, and their healing as well, yes including the whole world. Initially I woke up early around 5 or 6 AM I believe and started my prayers again for my internal healing. I prayed for a fertile womb for the safe and healthy delivery of a baby between my sweetie and I.

Today I hope to get major reading and writing in.

I’m looking forward to changes in my body after a 7-day digestive vacation. I haven’t ingested anything yet, including water. My lips are pretty dry and a little chapped but otherwise I feel okay. I don’t have a headache, but then I’ve never experienced that on a fast. I’ve never fasted for 7 days straight though. I’ve fasted for 4 days broke the fast and then started again for another couple days but that’s not the same. Even though I haven’t ingested anything I still have used the restroom. Today it was more bile than anything. I think that has more to do with the body utilizing the fat stores for energy. Bile is generally used to break down fat. The creepy thing about fasting, according to what I’ve read, is you break down even “old” fat deposits from years ago! I guess as you put on more fat you just store it on top of the old fat and so on and so on. So all the toxins you had in the old fat from years ago get released as it’s broken down! DISGUSTING! That fact in of itself ought to make me not want to eat ever again, but so far it hasn’t stopped my negative behavior completely.

I know I’ve changed quite a lot about my eating regime and most of it is quite healthy and the weight has been coming off slowly but surely. My cravings have subsided on quite a lot of unhealthy things. Even plain old condensed canned soup doesn’t seem appetizing anymore now that I cook from scratch all the time. My soups are better and salt free most of the time and almost fat free except for a little Extra virgin olive oil. My skin is extremely dry so I need a little oil in my diet. I’ve become so much more accustomed to spices and herbs that those flavors are what I crave more than food when I get hungry during this fast.

When I feel really hungry or my stomach seems to ache, I hear a voice telling me all these sabotaging things:

1. You can start the fast tomorrow
2. Just bake a potato with nothing on it that’s not fattening
3. Who will know anyways
4. If you eat just a tiny bit it will assuage your hunger and that’s okay, no one will fault you for that.
5. If you don’t want the potato try ___________
6. You’ve made it this far and that’s good enough
7. You don’t even know anyone who’s fasted for 4 days so don’t be so hard on yourself
8. Seven days is forever!!!
9. It’s not good to go without eating it’s ruining your metabolism
10. Do you want to get sick?
11. Just eat something, a piece of fruit

Sad really sad when your ego or whatever it’s called puts so much energy and investment in thwarting what you want to do that’s good for you. The fast isn’t about losing weight; it’s about healing my cravings, my heart and mind about my body, my eating issues, and me. 7 days is nothing compared to the 40 Jesus did. I’ve read about several people who have done this 40-day fast and I’m in total awe of their strength and dedication and discipline. The fortitude of a Disciple! This is something I hope to do in my future down the road when my body’s more healthy and strong. I can just imagine the spiritual uplifting that would course through a person’s veins doing such a humbling act of faith. Reminds me of Mariah Carey’s Song on the emancipation of Mimi album:

Fly like a bird
By Mariah Carey


Verse 1

(Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning, trust him.)
Somehow I know that

There’s a place up above

With no more hurt and struggling

Free of all atrocities and suffering

Because I feel the unconditional love
From one who cares enough for me

To erase all my burdens

And let me be free to

Chorus

Fly like a bird

Take to the sky

I need You now Lord

Carry me high

Don’t let the world break me tonight

I need the strength of You by my side

Sometimes this life can be so cold

I pray You’ll come and carry me home

Verse 2

Can we recover

Will the world ever be

A place of peace and harmony

With no war and with no brutality

If we loved each other

We would find victory

But in this harsh reality

Sometimes I’m so despondent

That I feel the need to

Chorus 2

Fly like a bird

Take to the sky

I need You now Lord

Carry me high

Don’t let the world break me tonight

I need the strength of You by my side

Sometimes this life can be so cold

I pray You’ll come and carry me home

Bridge

(He said he’ll never forsake you or leave you alone, trust him.)
Keep your head to the sky

With God’s love you’ll survive

Outro

Fly like a bird

Take to the sky

I need You now Lord

Carry me high

Don’t let the world break me tonight

I need the strength of You by my side

Sometimes this life can be so cold

I pray You’ll come and carry me home

Carry me higher, higher, higher

Carry me higher, higher, higher

Carry me home

Higher Jesus

Carry me higher Lord

Posted by ijellorca at 9:56 AM | Comments (2)

January 30, 2006

The Daniel Fast

Well today I started the “Daniel Fast” from Elmer L. Towns book: Fasting for Spiritual Break Through, a guide to nine biblical fasts. This fast is for health and physical healing (Dan. 1:12-20) when we fast for physical well-being, God will touch our bodies and enrich our souls. (As stated in Mr. Towns’ book.)

I filled out the contract in the book, signed and dated it to last from today through February 5th, 2006. Officially I had stopped much earlier than Midnight but kept it simpler with that start time.

The day so far began with a walk outside with the dogs, back upstairs where I opened the sliding glass door to let the wind outside blow into the apartment for some kind of symbolic cleansing. I put in “walk away the pounds” got my blood moving then sat down to take of day one, baseline after putting in “The Passion of Christ” a movie I’ve had for some time but haven’t had the strength to watch. I grew up Episcopalian, and anyone who knows about that weird word knows it’s the “looser” version of Catholics, to put a non-formal spin on the deeper dogmatic differences! I attended Episcopalian church, went to Catholic school and finished up my Sundays at my Great Grandmother’s Southern Baptist Church. I’ll say the only thing missing back then was a Buddhist bent somewhere. No worries the eastern religious intricacies arrived later in life. It’s particularly hard to avoid theology with such a background, or possibly just being me. Even by horoscope I was born completely in the middle of two very interesting signs. Aquarius and Pisces. Yes they call it a cusp, but officially according to the exact moment I was born I was born at 000.00 degrees Pisces, just before the planets transited. All the Aquarian people I meet become infuriated by my inexplicable “intuition” on things, the accompanying affects I seem to have on people, and then the Piscean people find me excruciatingly analytical. Somehow where I am suits me just fine spiritually. My physical world is rather confusing from the outside world as well, but for me it makes sense and is as exhaustive and changeable as the waters of any great Lake or body of water.

I’m off on a tangent again, even though it really does matter as far as I’m concerned. I can think of nothing more important in my life, than my spirituality. It drives me in all aspects. The more my faith strengthens, and I believe this to be something that continues to grow and change for the better in most people, the less control I seem to need in life. It’s like getting on a roller coaster without knowing the end or how long till the end but getting on nonetheless! I remember using the breaks in my coaster car before, only to find these days those levers are completely missing.

Anyways, The Passion of the Christ, since I was a little girl and walked the stations of the cross I remember bawling my eyes out and wailing to my parents discomfort at the treatment of Jesus. I always wanted them to stop, every time I walked the stations until eventually I found myself less and less inclined to attend church where the characters I met seemed less and less spiritual, while becoming more and more like the Pharisees. The concerns of the way a church looked or how the parish dressed left me feeling cold and alone in a place that should have held warmth and understanding in my mind. I was set to become a nun when I left high school, not catholic necessarily but one in some order that I felt would utilize my abilities in the best possible manner for the world. Alas it was not to be. I met many nuns at that Catholic college who told me up front about the way you’d serve “The Church” and it discouraged me greatly. I prayed and attended chapel daily, despite the typical collegian atmosphere. Everyone around me was looking to get drunk, get out of class, or get laid. There were many also looking for the drugs and yes they were readily available at this private catholic college! I wanted higher learning and spiritual guidance, instead I found very few people concerned with much more than what was being served for dinner at the Quad cafeteria. It changed my life.

I think that left me weary of churches ever since.

Weird, didn’t realize I’d end up here today.

It’s 10:30 PM and I’m just now feeling some sensations of hunger. It’s not a “ravenous” feeling just a small emptiness. I haven’t had any water yet because I’m waiting for a major “thirst” response. I haven’t been especially active today so that might have something to do with it. In less than 2 hours we’ll be into day 2 of the Fast. I haven’t had TV on all day but when I did turn it on, nothing but food ads. They used to make me really hungry, now they almost go by before I realize they’re on. Tivo helps!

The dogs’ dinner was short lived today. The little guy didn’t eat his dinner for the 3rd day. The girl didn’t eat hers because I didn’t put any liquid on it and it was dry. So as soon as they both walked away dog food got picked up for both of them and I guess they’re doing somewhat of the fast with me. I didn’t look at them or talk to them about it. Little boy’s making a meal out of the rawhide stick, but that will be all gone tomorrow. Their dad still wants me to put broth on their food, but I think we need to get the basics back down before we move on.

Well I guess that’s about it for today. We’ll see how tomorrow goes. 168 hours –23, leaves another 145 to go.

Posted by ijellorca at 11:08 PM | Comments (74)

January 29, 2006

Eating issues all around!!!

So as a woman who has experienced eating issues almost her whole life I ask you why does food, eating and the not eating or the eating of it affect me so emotionally? I know deep down a few reasons but when the hell is it going to end??? I don’t accept the answer of “NEVER!” I refuse! I’ll tell you though; even the way my dogs eat drives me crazy! I get angry and upset when the dogs don’t eat. I’ve probably made them “finicky” because I worried constantly that the food I was feeding them wasn’t good enough. I switched brands after researching more and more. I added oil, added meat, added veggies, even for a time fed them almost entirely whatever stew or soup I cooked. I monitored their hair and their eating habits and then I’d try to be strong and give them just plain dog food and they’d go more than 3 days without eating. One used to eat everything, and then he picked up his sister’s weird on and off again eating habits. I was ready to tear my hair out and usually ended up in tear! Tears! Come on already! Academically I know that when they get hungry they’ll eat! It still upsets me that they’ll go that long. I eat just as crazy!

God how could I ever have children, maybe this is what God is trying to show me I’m too unstable to have children! There’s strength to being a parent even if it’s with your animals. They must have limitations to guide them to their own independence I believe. I’ve always been strict with my dogs and then eased up after they had strong training and understanding of commands but I never did it with beating or hitting. I did it with looks and noises. But neither of these works with eating. I’ve tried even eating with them. Tonight the little boy wouldn’t eat his food second day, so as soon as big sister finished hers (she didn’t eat all yesterday) I picked up both bowls and they won’t go down until tomorrow night. I’ve tried feeding them twice a day and they ignored the food until evening. So, here I am again trying to lick this problem.

The girl wants warm water on her food and I’m seeing how she’s trying to soften her food up but then her teeth are getting more tartar then her brother who prefers his food dry. Ack! Tomorrow boy will get what he didn’t eat today and sister will get dry. I’m going back to my old dry food beliefs because I know that’s better for their teeth. Beyond that I’m going to have to stop neglecting their dental health and use their toothbrush and enzymatic cleaner. I just hate fighting them to do it. God I’m either lazy or a complete pushover for my dogs. Tonight’s going to be hard and tomorrow because they can’t have treats if they don’t eat dinner. Sigh, I’ve already got enough shit going through my head and emotions on food for just myself!

My list of problems with food and eating!

1. The constant conflict of carbohydrates vs. proteins!
2. The number of times to eat when you’re born into 3 times a day!
3. The eat or don’t eat syndrome that plagues me constantly
4. The fact that you need to eat to live period.
5. The fear of fat, the fear of anorexia, the fear of food completely!
6. The way my skin feels on me this tight
7. The way my skin will look when it hangs if it hangs if I don’t tone up before it’s all lost. (Assuming I’ll lose it!)
8. The terror I feel that I’ll never lose it ever!!
9. Not trusting that whatever I’m doing at any one moment is the right path to take!
10. The way it tastes when it’s great
11. The way it tastes when it’s not what you expect
12. How low the whole damned fight makes me feel!
13. The ups and downs of my spirit throughout the whole damnable journey of getting back to the real me.
14. The need to hide from mirrors, people, myself in utter disgust and shame.
15. The Psychological junk that happened to get me here and the terrifying abyss I must venture into to clean it all out!
16. Just being tired of the whole danged shebang!

I have this incredible guy who loves me despite my physical representation at the moment and I don’t understand it! God help me, I just don’t see how he could love me. I am terrified he’ll wake up before it’s all gone and say, “Geez, you’re just too damned fat!” What the hell’s wrong with me! I feel the tears but it’s so useless to cry. It really truly is.

Ah. Tomorrow I won’t allow myself to think so much of this and well, that will be that till the next eating struggle with my dogs or myself. I just bought three 3 lbs bags of salad and right now I’m feeling like a fast. Maybe just a week to shake off some of the effects of food, weight gain/loss and the struggles, just to feel free for a short time!

I want to be really free of anything that affects me in a way I don’t like. Pipe dream? How’s that saying go? Manage your emotions and reactions; manage your life! Guess who’s not managing period! That sad part is the only time I feel really in control is when I’m not eating. It’s the only thing in my life I feel I can control completely. Right now anyways. How about a week fast anyways, food is always here it’s not like I won’t have it at the end of the week! I can have started at 6pm tonight because have had anything since 3 pm. Ground rulz…

1. Water
2. Tea
3. Write.
4. 7 days

I’ll pop in each day and share my thoughts and feelings. It’s time for an internal connection so this will definitely get me primed for that. Spiritually I’m up but my physical manifestation, incarnation, if you will, is dragging me down!

Posted by ijellorca at 7:36 PM | Comments (2)

January 27, 2006

Give me Blue Cheese or give me Roquefort!

I’ve got to get my pictures going, I’ve been in another health spurt lately. I’m craving salads with croutons and blue cheese dressing as if it were a juicy tender properly seasoned steak! Weird! My only explanation: I’m going through some kind of health spurt! I like salads but when I’m craving them like crazy it’s got to be my body craving the good stuff! To be honest my eating has change quite a bit in the last year. I used to love fast food, but now it turns my stomach at the thought of it. Even pizza sounds greasy and unappetizing. The fact I cook my meals and I don’t use salt and I use more veggies and low fat ingredients is probably the culprit! My soups don’t have fat to congeal on them. Most of the oil that cooks out of meats I pour on my dogs’ food because they actually need the oil that I don’t. When I need oil on something I use the Extra Virgin Olive Oil that my sweetie sent me (it’s from Italy.)

I experiment in my cooking with as many veggies as I can. I find that chopped frozen greens (collard and turnip, or mustard) are easy to mix into dishes like soups or baked pasta dishes. I also love the chopped okra stir fried in a dry non-stick pan with Italian sausage or ground beef. The dishes give me lots of fiber let me tell you; I’m hitting the bathroom quite a bit! Who cares about that if it means dropping the fat and weight!

I have ice cream in the fridge but it doesn’t motivate me like it used to. At night when I’m feeling the hungries I eat a salad, apple, or grab a nonfat yogurt. Worse case scenario I grab the veggie casserole I’ve cooked in the ½ cup containers I pack it in after cooking a bit pan of it. This kind of convenience really makes eating better so much smoother for me. If I have to think about cooking when I’m feeling hungry, I get into trouble with something that I don’t even want. That’s why I used to order pizza or Chinese food because I didn’t have to think and it was delivered. I do have a place that delivers salads though and that’s very good! I love their dinner salads but I love their other food too so it’s best to just have bagged salad on hand.

So as long as I have croutons and the right dressing I am cool. I don’t worry about the calories of everything because I don’t want that to be my big focus ever. I think counting calories is great and helps many people lose weight, still I want my behavior and eating style to be better, not something I do to avoid points or “retribution.” I’ve got my size 8 leather jacket next to me every night when I go to sleep and I’ve got that “look” my sweetie will have when he sees me slimmer always in my head spurring me on. The scale’s a bit of a motivation, but not as much as I thought it would be. It just doesn’t move as fast as I’d like it too! I just have to keep that thought in my head…

Just keep moving, moving, moving, keep moving!!!

Ah it’s time for a little salad me thinks!

Posted by ijellorca at 8:26 PM | Comments (0)

January 21, 2006

Game plan? What Plan?

Honestly sometimes it seems like one day to the next, hell, one hour to the next that my focus is shifting! If I didn’t know better I’d say I was a great candidate for ADD!! I have a friend whose son is autistic. He’s the degree where you wouldn’t know he’s autistic if the noise doesn’t get too loud in the room or people, aren’t too excitable. He and I are a lot alike in that people in general cause us to withdraw. I’d say we’re both very smart but we get frustrated with the “din” of the world on a general basis. My friend tells me that there’s this great number of people in the world that would be considered autistic, but are undiagnosed or unrecognized. Well if that doesn’t tell you anything about how out of touch I tend to want to be with the rest of the world I don’t know what will!

I’ve got to work on my daily game plan, because I’m not getting enough efficiency out of my days and weeks.

My game plan? To figure one out still! (Been working on that for oh about a year now!!!)

Right now I’m planning on a granny smith apple before I drop off to bed!

More about plans and games another time!

Posted by ijellorca at 12:34 AM | Comments (0)

January 17, 2006

I'm Free

I’m Free??

No longer on unemployment, so technically, according to State statistics I’m “employed.” Isn’t that a HOOT! Statistics are just shorthand for Journalistic tricks to get people swayed to their “view” of something.

I just spent the last week experiencing the flu, and growing some creepy cellulitis skin infection due to my severely compromised immune system. All that conveniently happened within days of my friend dying! It wasn’t exactly the answer I was looking for when I prayed, but therein lays the rub, I didn’t really “pray” for anything specific. Grief has a way of “un-focusing” a person’s thoughts. I guess that’s why they say you’re vulnerable. So as it goes, I took my health more seriously and dropped a chunk of weight. If your stomach wasn’t queasy and sick from the flu, it sure made no attempt at getting better under the prescriptive antibiotics and pain pills. Sigh. It’s a wonder our bodies improve! Nonetheless, I’m way better today in fact; I was able to work out with weights and aerobics. I feel more limber and better. I guess the whole sick thick helped my body out of bit of a slump.

Not having to answer to anyone makes the days more unstructured. The financial crunch is bearing down on my sweetie, but I will continue to pray for him and us. I have strong faith, regardless of God’s answers, that God lifts us all above the heaps we make of our lives. I believe God has an incredible sense of humor!! (Smile) Of this I’m ever grateful! Where else would I get my impish nature?

I’m Free. I owe no one anything really. How do I live?

By Faith, and the fact I’m at least as important as the birds, animals, plants that don’t work or get “progress reports.” By faith that regardless of my “connect the dot” holy clothes, I matter; I’m rich by my heart, personality and beliefs.

Faith, and living by it is strengthening me, minute by minute! I even eat faithfully. The salad and soup sustain me, like they never have!!! What’s that all about??? Weird. Maybe, I’m just growing up, maybe that’s why I’m finally . . .

Free.

Posted by ijellorca at 9:33 PM | Comments (0)

January 7, 2006

My friend died today

My friend died today.

She had a Bernie Mac hard shell attitude with his loving caring family oriented heart. She’d been fighting a major respiratory failure, which led to congested heart failure. They had started the transplant procedures for her to receive a new lung. She was probably days or weeks shy of having the operation. She’s dead now and I find it really hard to take. I know on the spiritual level she’s moved on to the next stage for her beautiful soul, but I didn’t get to say goodbye. She’s been going in and out of the hospital for the last couple of years and she’d been getting better.

Velda Square is my friend and I’ll miss her so much. We both used to drive for the city bus company where we’d both been attacked several times. Velda always had that “tuff love” attitude for the passengers as well as management. We used to watch creeper movies together. She loved Star Trek and Star Wars. She had excellent collectables and all the movies.

She made the best cakes in the world! She had a world famous coconut/Pineapple one that people would travel all over the state to have. She cooked the old fashioned way, when she made Banana pudding; she made the pudding from scratch, not from a box! She made her peach cobbler by hand peeling fresh peaches, not from a can! She loved her children and grandchildren endlessly.

She hasn’t had an easy life and she’s had her share of major financial troubles, but her daughter told me something that speaks eons of her spirit and her magical way. “We may not have had the newest, bestest things in the world when we were growing up but I never felt ‘poor’ we never went without.” Now for her to say that when I know for a fact they had times that the lights were going to be shut off, or they had to get the phone cut off etc., says a lot about Velda’s magical ability to make things feel great despite the times they had no money.

Velda bought me gifts when members of my family didn’t get me anything. She bought me clothes when I needed new ones and couldn’t afford it. She wasn’t one to store up funds, when she had you had when she didn’t she just didn’t but you would be hard pressed to find it out the way she kept her attitude up.

She was born on St. Patrick’s Day.

My friend died today and I really miss her.

Posted by ijellorca at 7:45 AM | Comments (0)