February 24, 2006
Almonds and Apples
Well today’s experiment has started. I cut up 1 apple into 7 slices and measured out 30 unsalted almonds that I roasted without any oil or spray in the oven slowly. I count out how many 2-hour increments I have from the time I am ready to eat breakfast until 10 Pm. So 15 hours. I’ll have one slice of apple every 2 hours and then one almond every hour or 2 every 2 hours whichever I remember to do. I did set the timer to see if that helps me to remember to eat and to show me how much time until the next little meal. The total calories of this daily meal are 335 calories. This breaks down into 57%Fat, 10% protein and 33% Carbohydrate. Those aren’t the best percentages. If I add my protein shake “Major Egg” mixed with “Supreme Whey” and only mixed with water then I’ll add 200 calories and the stats will move up to 42% Protein, 36% Fat, 25% Carbohydrate. I’ll see how hungry I feel towards the end of the day and maybe I can cut out some of those almonds and drop the fat content today. We’ll see. So far I’ve already had my send meal and 3 almonds. If I could do one almond every 2 hours then I could really drop that fat.
I don’t know we’ll see.
I have about 20 minutes till next meal. About 20 minutes ago the hunger was really large.
I did have my apple slice and my almond. I was still hungry an hour later. I finally opened a can of soup. I also added some black-eyed peas and some Italian toast pieces. I’m really stuffed now. I won’t be able to eat at 4 pm. So I’ll reset the timer. This may carry me through the rest of the night. It’s Friday and I’ll just watch movies on DVD tonight. If I get ravenous I still have 4 slices of apple and quite a few almonds.
Right now I’m at 850 Calories, 21% Fat, 59% Carbohydrate, 20% Protein.
The night is generally on the hard side for me. I guess that’s when I feel lonelier. Funny though, I prefer the night because then it’s harder for people to see just how fat and hideously shaped my body is. If I could spend my days and nights losing weight without anyone looking at me, I’d feel better about myself it seems to me. Even as I type that I know that it’s a pretty caustic statement to make.
Still feel full and satiated. Groceries were dropped off today and always I want a “treat” from groceries, but this was all staples except some Vanilla Ice cream. I think it was easier to “NOT EAT” at all. So goes the struggle. It’s Mardi Gras Weekend going into Fat Tuesday. I still need to figure out my Lenten sacrifice. Maybe I’ll just give up food on weekends or every other day or something. Food’s my big vice so it sounds good to me.
February 14, 2006
My sweetie is 2100 miles away and he’s sick with a cold and flu! Go figure. I can’t even take care of him and talking to him when he’s so sick isn’t a good idea. He’s too MIS-ABLE. My dear sweetheart, I hope he heals quickly; he’s still got the business to run and paperwork to do. When he doesn’t make to church on Sundays he’s really in a bad way. Sounds like he had the flu I had couldn’t get warm no matter how much he wrapped himself up or turned up the heat. It’s beautiful outside but COLD!
All day I’ve been working on the drive to St. Louis and goals. There’s a lot to plan and calling motels etc to find out if they take dogs and the fees etc takes time too.
I watched Oprah the other day and she had her Workout Guru “Bob Greene” on and he said that that point where you feel “hungry” is when your body is losing weight. I thought about that really hard last night, and then I decided today to eat tiny small meals to make me feel more “hungry” I’ve eaten every 2 hours in since 9 AM this morning. My meals have consisted of 2 almonds and 1/8 of an apple. I’ll be honest right now I’d like some chicken fettuccine and the way I feel right now I’ll probably have it.
Just ate my 2 almonds and apple slice early. I’m going to boil some eggs for a quick easy protein meal. I tell you there’s so much to think about to deal with etc. There’s so much preparation to lose weight, unless you fast. My favorite part of fasting is not eating anything. You don’t have to think about it or prepare for it you can get right to it! I hate that weight loss is something you have to wait for. It sure didn’t take any “wait” to get the weight it seems!
It’s an emotional day. I woke up completely unaware it was February 14th, Valentine’s Day. Then when I caught the clue with 14 blaring on the digital clock at me and couldn’t speak to sweetie, he was in a city meeting re the business. So finally get to speak to him a couple hours later and he’s sick as a dog. I feel rather emotionally left out. I understand that he’s sick and can’t fly here just to embrace me for Valentine’s Day, but I still wish I could have an intimate night with him.
Truth be known I’ve felt so danged “amorous.” Okay, horny lately, hormones!! Ack! I know that chicken pasta would feel comforting and embracive. I want something creamy and tasty and “foody” I don’t want something sweet or chocolaty (the typical Valentine fare.) I want to feel that FULL BELLY feeling I get right after I’ve made love. Sometimes I think if I had been a nymphomaniac I’d be a super slim beauty! I guess if I needed that much sex I would need to be svelte, sexy and beautiful.
I realize this is all describing emotional eating, but the fact I get this is a big portion of my battles with weight and food etc. I feel at times like I’m floundering here. I know that having little structure in life can bring this about. I’m still in the waiting game to live my life. How do I break out of this????? Valentine’s day, Bah hooey to that!
Valentine’s day doesn’t come in a box of chocolates or a romantic meal, or a diamond ring, or a crimson card… It’ll come when I can lie in my sweetie’s arms and just do nothing, but not for a weekend or a week, for the rest of our lives together.
I love you honey,
I miss you;
I want to be closer than your clothes are to you right now.
February 13, 2006
Don’t really know what’s behind that. So why am I drinking coffee at 11:48 PM? Good question, I rarely drink coffee period. I usually get in a cup or two once a month, yeah and I was born in Seattle, go figure! Two days ago it was the weird kind of non-sleep where you want to sleep bad but can’t do anything! You lay, sit stand walk, read, type and you still can’t sleep!
Finally got out a poem. I don’t expect there’s any sleep planned for tonight. I don’t know if it’s excitement or what. I don’t feel stressed. Hmm. I guess I’ll be stealing more hours.
The Stolen Hours
Can’t sleep; don’t dare think
Too late, the mind’s in motion
Same old questions…
How did I get here?
Where the hell am I going?
What drives me on?
--Keeps pushing this merry-go-round
Who am I really and
Life, Do I really care?
The absence of noise at night frightens me
When I can’t sleep
When I choose to stay awake--writing
Reflection is just an evil manifestation of
Self doubt, total, complete, unfiltered
Hungrily I long for the brains of those in the know
Of what they’d do, always done, will continue to do
Waning hours blur my typical allies:
Coffee, Music, cigarettes, dreams
One keeps you awake
The other makes you think, afraid to shut the eyes
Where nightmares lie in wait
And then there’s cancer
Which everything causes…
I squint on no closer to slumber
Do writers ever sleep?
Ready to pounce thoughts artistic
To work, rework, musing to steal the night away.
Hours ticking by like the drip drip drip of a nasty faucet
Down the drain.
©B. B. February 12, 2006
Oh well on to the stolen hours, and long, long night!
February 12, 2006
Boo Radley finally came out and so will I!
Today was the perfect Sunday!
The dogs and I went out to the field and then we jumped into the car and headed off for a Mocha, pastry and a little drive with heads hanging out the window tails waggin!
We drove to the beach on Alki where I could take a good look at the Condominium that I know is mine! Hook or crook I’m getting that condominium for an investment, and for a place to retired to as well as stay whenever I’m Back in town so we don’t have to stay with friends or family. It’s across the street from the beach walk so the dogs and I will have a great place to hang out each day. There so much square footage that one couldn’t ever feel claustrophobic!
We came home where I pushed/pulled and hauled up 54 lbs of Pine logs to the top of my 3 flight stairs to the apartment! Whew! That was not easy! It’s enough to get my own weight upstairs let alone another 50 lbs! Good thought, I don’t want to have to carry that around all the time, and I’m danged ready to get rid of that amount that I am carrying around all the time at the moment!
Then turned on TV and my favorite movie in the world was starting: “To Kill A Mockingbird” I just settled into the moment of the movie and the wonderful emotions I always feel with it. That set the pace even further. When it was over I fixed dinner. I was going to make cornbread and green beans and something else but then I decided on green beans and potatoes. Mixed it up in a non-stick pan with a tablespoon of extra virgin Olive Oil, garlic and onion. Smelled and tasted so great! I was glad I didn’t make corn bread with butter. I was going to have an apple but I’m still full enough.
This week I’ve got a birthday dinner at the Salish Lodge. Because I’ll be going out I’m going to really cut the calorie intake this week with fruit juice and protein shakes. If I get really hungry then I do have veggie meals that I can partake in so that I don’t lose my mind and head off to some stinkin’ fast food joint!
I’ve been taping “The biggest Loser” to motivate me weekly. I should have kept the tapes instead of deleting them because they really motivate me when I watch them. I want to see those changes in myself. I’m going to get my camera set up so that I can take pictures of my face to see the changes to help motivate myself. My life is changing and I’m creating the road map to my dreams just in cast I lose my footing and step off the best path for my health, I’ll have a reminder how to get back on track!
My health matters, I matter especially to me! I really want to get involved in some kind of activity or something 0utside the apartment just to get me out of here. I’m still working on getting out of here on a daily basis. We’ll see. I’m really looking forward to summer!
February 7, 2006
I am already...
I am already at goal weight.
I already am a bestselling author
I already have 2 beautiful healthy children with my sweetie
I already live in my dream home and cabin and already have incredible memories that will sustain me for the rest of my life!
I am already here!
February 5, 2006
The healthy attitude continues!
Woke up to working out and a big salad for breakfast. Had cookies to bake today but for some weird reason wanted a Fuji apple instead! I love it! After the Super bowl game I’m going to get another workout in. My stomach has shrunk so much that I really have to alternate water with meals and literally it takes hours before you can fit more in. I’m glad that I package my cooking in ½ cup containers or I’d never be able to eat dinner. I’m stuffed from drinking!
Well onward and downward weight wise. I am 130lbs!! I AM!!
February 4, 2006
Do I feel different? Hell Yes!
I feel lighter, wiser, and extremely invested in change and the care taking of this vessel that God gave me!
Last night I slept fine, there’s still a little restlessness from having an acidic state but I feel rested. Began the day going out with the dogs, Meditating with my sweetie on our goals, downed 32 ounces of water and then the “Walk away the pounds” workout video. My legs are totally tingling and soon I’ll take in a piece of fruit for breakfast.
We’ve a huge windstorm with incredible gusts of winds and again I’ve the window open to blow out the old air of this heart and home.
I called my sweetie after the workout and asked him if I’d ever told him that I have great legs. He said no honey you always talk about your legs in a bad way. I said well those days are over, the next time you see me you’ll see how great my legs are!
I can change my body shape; I can do all I choose to do just by declaring it. I wrote on my TV
I Am 130
I Am Bestseller
I Am Mother
And I’ll write it on the dreaded mirror in the bathroom so that when I do look at it I’ll see who I want to be as who I am with these positive statements instead of accepting that the current façade of my body as my truth. My truth is that I am 130 lbs, I am a Best-selling author, and I am a great mother of two children with my sweetie!
I’m going to do the Walk away the pounds at noon and again this evening. Why not? I feel energetic and rejuvenated. I think about that awful 4th night of the fast when I felt so low and inadequate and overwhelmed how easy it would have been to quit the fast then. I would have felt all hope was lost and incapable of controlling myself in any way. But since I went another day I feel that I am able to push past my breaking point! That’s an incredible feeling and a tool I’m going to keep with me as I continue on in my health struggles. I survived the night, spiritually and physically and I have theView image
photograph, and newfound confidence to prove it!
5 days of Daniel fast completed
Ended the fast with a bowl of salad and then later a couple nectarines.
I prayed about it and decided it was time. The next time I’m moved to fast I know I’ll be able to go further. I learned a lot and came to terms with some spiritual things that I needed to bring back to the forefront of my life.
I felt great after the salad, which immediately went through me. It tasted wonderful and satisfied me. Tomorrow I’ll have some grains and more fruit.
I lost 18 lbs over the 5 days, which was a nice fringe benefit. Now I only have 369 more to go. One thing for sure is this I look forward to longer fasts in the near future. One of the books I read said that it takes 10 to 30 days to completely sever cravings. I’d like to do 10 days before too long. The main thing is I can do it and I am more in control of my body. My mom is very proud of me and that really makes me feel good.
I feel really good today about the 5 days even though I didn’t go the full 7. I think the next fast will involve juice and put my Breville back to major work!
Next week my goal for 7 days will involve my workouts and really up-stepping the intensity.
February 3, 2006
Yet Shines The Sun On A Weary Soul
Last night was one of the hardest spiritual nights of my life.
The overwhelming self-doubt and self-hatred I felt last night was too much. I finished typing last post only to have my spiritual supporter best friend call me back even though we had long since ended our conversation hours before. She just held me, God held me through such a horrid feeling night. I felt ashamed thinking of “The Passion of Christ” when she said “See the perfection that God sees in you” She spoke about my sensitivity to the littlest things that people say, she mirrors me in so many ways and when the tables are turned I speak thus to her but when in the middle of “it” I just find it so hard sometimes to see my way clear.
Been crying all morning just thinking of how God sent her back to me last night to help me with my awful thoughts. Usually she’s got her children to see about or some family thing that she has to get to so we can’t stay on the phone for super long conversations yet before I knew she said See you’ve made it to Day 5 and I looked up to see the clock turn to 12:02 AM. She spent all that time discussing spiritual things with me. God loves me so much that even in the midst of what people may think is a silly fast God held me up. I was so low. I was so low. Not that I could say I know better or not but if the darker spirits and forces weren’t working on me, I’d find it hard to believe anything otherwise. I dreamed of EATING food, and just how good it tasted. I remember seeing it everywhere, a tender slow grilled piece of London broil, Asian spiced food that I easily imbibed in. I woke up sure I had been eating something.
As I prayed this morning I just broke down at the thought of God sending someone at just the right moment to help me on such a dark night of my soul. I didn’t think the Fast would be this difficult spiritually. I really believe that I’d have more trouble with “Actual hunger” not my awful self talk and insecurities with my actions, body and hidden shaky beliefs. And if that was amazing enough after all this constant rain Sun broke through the clouds brilliantly, beautifully.
Even through such a dark night of my soul the sun shone bright shed God’s love on all the scary corners of my errant thoughts last night.
It’s pretty obvious this fast was necessary for my heart and soul and mind. I’m so grateful to God; I’m so thankful and touched. How to accept all this incredible love, how do you accept the enormity of it all. I’m so humbled by all this. Academically I’ve known such things and I deep down believe I’ve believed it but to see it and feel it action and be totally aware of it and the affects, I can’t begin to express it. I just can’t right now, I can’t.
We’re so loved; I’m so loved.
February 2, 2006
Basement feelings tonight
First off didn’t get to sleep so pervading tiredness is hanging on.
Around 6:30 PM I just started thinking I wanted to stop the fast. Not because I’m hungry but because I just felt low and wanted something carbolicious to rectify being stuck in the basement emotionally. I promptly called one of my spiritual supporters, one of my best friends. She told me:
You are on your 7th day of the fast now, see and feel yourself already reaching it.
Then she said the grandest thing of all:
See your spirit through Jesus’ eyes.
That stopped my cravings dead in their tracks for that moment. We talked for a wee bit longer until my sweetie called and we talked about my faltering moments and I drank water.
Everything seemed to feel okay for a while until we got on the topic of what weight would make me feel happy. He didn’t agree with my target weight because of my height. That was enough to put me in another tailspin. I just hate the whole business of it all. Trying to defend my hopes even if they are unrealistic or not. According to height weight charts women my height could get to smaller weights. I have small bones and thin bony fingers and toes and a small delicate wrist so I’m considered small boned. He just thinks I’m over shooting what I need to be for my height. That led to me upsetting him because I was upset. I hate being obese, and fat and just non-normal. I hate my body. I know he doesn’t want me to get discouraged but all of this discourages me. Get off the phone with him only to talk to my aunt who talks about my having to get skin surgery after losing 100 lbs because it’s all going to be left behind and that’s one of my greatest fears. Let’s see lose weight and walk around with Shar pei wrinkles hanging off of you or just stay fat!
This is one of the hardest nights in my life in a long, long time. I want to crawl under a rock and just die. What’s around the corner of this whole healthier lifestyle? It just seems like if you get fat your struggle is heartache after heartache. If I didn’t have dogs suicide would see like the best way out of basement of the awful feelings I’m feeling right now. And to think I just ended my regular appointments with my counselor because I was doing so well emotionally and physically with my PTSD.
Why can’t you just have good feelings through things, why do you have to end up getting blindsided all the time in life? The odds aren’t in my favor for a happy Hollywood ending with this danged weight and all. It’s just tragic and that’s all there is to it. Every time I think I see a light at the end of the tunnel something shuts the light out. I feel so discouraged and scared right now I just feel so bad.
There’s no worry about me making it to day 5 now because I feel sick to my stomach, I couldn’t eat if I wanted to. Not my favorite day in the fast. I’ve got to call my mom to check in and I don’t want to upset her so I’ll have to pretend that everything’s okay and all I can do is cry. Maybe I’ll just beg off for tonight.
What’s the worst thing you could do to yourself? Apparently everything I’ve done in the last 43 years.
I wish I could prove everyone wrong and come out of this looking and feeling great. At this moment I just don’t feel it’s possible. I wish this day hadn’t happened. I wish I hadn’t happened. I wish I could just be taken out of the picture of life without any pomp or circumstance or anyone noticing. I’d go quietly if I had the opportunity right this moment.
Day 4 of Fast; Strange Dreams
Last night sleep was sporadic and somewhat fitful. I’d awake and daydream of my lover but then when I fell into dreams they involved all kinds of sparking electrical lights and blue-cast night with strange spiders. I was feeling rather, um let’s see, amorous! I felt horny okay. The man in the dream looked more like Christopher Lloyd from “Back to the Future.” He wasn’t really concerned about much but experiments etc. I remember wanting to make love to him and he seemed too preoccupied to notice me and there was filth everywhere! Dirty dishes, clothes, garbage just filled the place and I was afraid to touch anything. The one time he asked me to hand him something and I obliged just to get his attention something smashed gooey under my fingers, which turned out to be a spider. That’s when I began to see them moving all over everything!
After that I began to wade my way through the refuse to the door to get out, which caused him to chase me in some mournful plea not to leave him as he professed his overwhelming love for me that he was terrified of revealing. I turned back towards him and all the refuse disappeared. His face was as despondent as a puppy you had to leave at home alone. I remember kissing and embracing and waking up next to his arms, which were wrapped around me. Didn’t get to partake in the actual sex! (I hate it when the dreams leave out the good parts!) Then I woke up wondering what the heck that was all about. Missing my long distance lover no doubt.
I feel tired today. I’m sure I haven’t had enough water. I only had 2 cups yesterday and that was the first water of the fast period because my sweetie threatened me by phone, it was upsetting him all day that I hadn’t at least had the water.
This isn’t exactly how I thought the fast would go. I figured that I’d be more active. I felt energetic day 2 and moved more lithely. It’s probably the little sleep thing. My system is reacting to all kinds of things from the breakdown of stuff in my body I’m sure. This is what can be expected, I guess, of a body not in shape and doing a water fast, which mobilizes toxins more quickly. Occasionally I feel a sharp pain like a needle prick on my food or arm or somewhere. It’s instantaneous and then gone. It’s so unexpected I jerk my leg or arm. I can just imagine my little “Oompa Loompa” white cells macrophaging creepy things in my body to remove them so I can become a much more beautifully cleansed “Chocolate Factory!”
168 – 87 = 81 hours left. I’m actually really proud of myself for not giving into some of my more crazy thoughts on eating. I don’t even feel hungry but my mind keeps telling me yes “it’s all right, go have a little something!” I say it’s crazy because it’s just cravings and memories. Food does not have control over me anymore! I have to be in control of something and eating is definitely something no one else has a say in how I do it! Gaining control over my body is something I want too. I need to be the one dictating what’s going on and supporting it with exercise and healthy intakes.
It’s amazing when I drink water now I can almost feel the chill of it moving throughout my body. I assume that’s not it, but some reaction nerve wise to the intake. To take the chill off I think I’ll take a little nap before evening. I feel sleepy enough to pull it off.
February 1, 2006
Need sleep! Anyone Got some?
Oh boy I’ve been waiting for that wonderful slumber since yesterday! I’m sure the fasting has got my body chemistry a little excitable. I feel the drowsy coming, I just wish it would land and NOW.
I finally started drinking water today and it made me a little queasy. 100 hours left.
Well I avoided cooking the ground beef so the smell wouldn’t “overly” tempt me, and just made up the patties and shifted them to the freezer right away.
So, I’ll take the dogs down in a bit and call it a day. Day 4 starts in a few short hours but I’ll be hanging with the sandman I hope! Until tomorrow the Daniel Fast continues!
The Most Terrifying Room!
After the long Shower early this morning, I realize more about my phobic response to the bathroom. I never feel good when I come out of there. Whether it’s for a bath, wash hands, unmentionables or even cleaning it. I’ve tried dressing it up, and making it sterile, and ignoring it all together but nonetheless the nightmare stand watching and waiting to devour my self esteem.
With a mirror that stretches from counter to ceiling and from doorway to the shower, there’s no such thing as eyes following you. There’s one gigantic microscope on everything wrong with me.
1 My hair
2 My face
3 My skin
4 My gigantic upper arms
5 My fat fingers
6 My pendulous breasts
7 My globular stomach
8 My ever expanding Michelin
9 My thunderous thighs
10 My cavernous calves
11 My reptilian feet!
12 My hideous seemingly insurmountable result of neglecting self, hating the world and turning it on myself product.
I used to think I hated taking showers because of how long it takes with an ever-expanding physic, but it was obviously deeper and more heinous. It was just me.
Last night when I couldn’t sleep I took a long shower and sat in the bathroom staring at everything. There’s no escaping anything with a mirror like that the whole wall of exposure! Most bathroom trips are quick with a sharp focus on the only safe spot in there, the “Pooped Pups” calendar. Then I make a quick hand washing hands still soapy exit to lick the wounds inflicted with any possible glimpse caught in the mirror. How can I hate anything so much as to do this kind of damage to anything? It’s horrifying.
I’m aware that I’m in some kind of “funk” but it feels really bad right now. Maybe it’s just a couple of hours’ sleep talking, but let’s be real, these thoughts and feelings are hanging around like Demons all about my head and spirit. One of the things I pray this fast will help to heal is my attitude the days I let my guard down and super focus on all that’s wrong.
I post the number of hours of this fast, wish seems ridiculous in the face of “ME” I feel ashamed that I’m not on a permanent Fast. It’s been 59 hours and I’ve 109 to go. It doesn’t seem like much now that I think of it. 5 more down and 375 to go, still I continue on and I hope that I’ll like where I end up. I pray that my thoughts will be healed about me physically. Why can’t I ever see what other people see in me? I just don’t get it.
I forgot to take the blood pressure at the beginning but took it today: 144/80 with a pulse of 71.
My blood pressure presented high sporadically when I had gone to the doctor regularly so they couldn’t ascertain whether it was truly high or I was stressed, since everything frightened me at that time. My sweetie bought me a blood pressure monitor, there’s love for you. Why he’d love a Fuck-up like me I’ll never know!
I still haven’t had any water. My lips are getting chapped and the acetone of my mouth is starting to burn a little. My skin is peeling all over now, not just where I had the cellulitis infection a couple weeks ago. The skin underneath is really soft and smooth. It could be that started not from the infection but from something else; who knows. The skin on my face is really smooth on the left and rougher and peeling on the right.
More mucus is coming out and bile. Well sad to say this isn’t one of my best moments of the fast. There’s time progression and weight loss (which is probably water weight for now) and I pray constantly but, I don’t know what but. Sigh. Can’t write right now, maybe later.