Health Diaries » Becoming My Passion » April 2006

April 25, 2006

Sentimental Lady

That’s exactly what I am today, sentimental.

Listening to the XM 70’s channel and hearing all these memories from when I was ages 7 to 17. I vacillate between tears of reflection and tears of an unfulfilled life! Amazing how music can set you straight and make you think while TV just numbs you up and makes you comatose! Scary.

Sly and the Family Stone’s “Family Affair” and Stevie Wonder’s “Superstitious” all these songs that can pinpoint my exact age, my feelings, the scents, colors and even weather of my memories!

I looked in the mirror. I’m not beautiful anymore. I used to be cute. I touched my face and the high cheekbones of my Native American heritage are hidden completely from sight! The beauty of my Southern African American heritage is completely hidden as well. The strength of my Great Great Grandmother, a Welsh woman born of a New York Missionary who braved it all and ran away to be with my Great Great Grandfather a mixed slave in Canada because they loved one another joins the hidden in my face. I can barely see any family resemblance to my family let alone the "Me" I used to know. I don’t like the way I feel or fit my skin I hate it.

Sister Sledge’s “We are Family” – ‘Have faith in you and the things you do,’ great line and I definitely need to have faith in is my ability to get back to being balanced and I’m so far from that right now!

I want to see my cheekbones again.
Sentimental Lady

Well sentimental gentle wind
Blowing through my life again
Sentimental lady
Gentle one

Posted by ijellorca at 8:44 AM | Comments (3)

April 21, 2006

Under WARE!

Computer nightmares! Adware, spy ware it’s all wearing on my last good nerves! Is it any wonder I eat!!!

Today I made anadama bread. I only had 2 slices left so I decided to make a couple loaves. It took all day but there’s 2 sliced up loaves in the freezer. I think I’ll pull out the turkey breast and either roast it on the grill or possibly pressure-cook it. I just want to get the protein, not really anything else. I have definitely been craving veggies and protein lately.

The writing’s been feverish until I was thwarted with Naughty puter issues! Now that I can write again (the registry of my computer was out of whack so the keyboard wouldn’t work!) I just want to type and feel the keys pop under my fingers! When I’m writing like crazy food has no pull. I usually “wake up” from my writing to realize it’s almost midnight and I haven’t eaten. Still I try to gain some sensible type routine! Anyways I’m tired, gonna check out just wanted to touch base! Easter’s over, Lent retreats graciously and this weekend I am free to write and bask in my own presence! Wahoo! God I love weekends where I have nowhere to go and nothing planned! Better get some sleep so I can truly enjoy it!!

Posted by ijellorca at 11:07 PM | Comments (0)

April 18, 2006

A Conscious Life, A Committed Life?

I just took a drink of a mug sitting nearby. I thought it was the coffee I just made for breakfast but it was a mug of Fresca from last night. The first thing I tasted was SWEETNESS! It really repulsed me. For the longest time I didn’t drink pop but recently it’s been creeping back into my life. I really don’t live consciously. I don’t consciously think about what I’m doing. Most of the time I try to change, but then I start becoming unconscious again and then I’m doing the very thing I don’t want to do.

I’m so much better at writing lists, but then it helps me to see just how off balance I am! I’m unconscious about:

1. My eating
2. My weight
3. My day to day living
4. My future
5. My hygiene
6. My whole life.

This is the same as commitment isn’t it? I wonder if it’s possible for me to commit to anything! I wonder if it’s possible for me to live a conscious life. Hmm. I need a 24-hour prayer vigil for me alone for the next 30 days!!!

Posted by ijellorca at 11:10 AM | Comments (0)

April 7, 2006

Pink Meditations...Pretty in Pink!

I’ve just read the Susan G Komen Foundation background information and cried my eyes out! Funny really that I’ve never really gone there. I’ve checked out “Race for the Cure” and I read information about cancer and have known of breast cancer victims and survivors, whom I have the utmost admiration for! I know that now this has to be something I put into my screenplay. Women who deal with breast cancer have so much power in their spirit! Those that pass on and those that survive show us true dignity and beauty I think! I’ve just put together some beautiful coffee travel mug thermos sets that come with a carrying case. I’ve purchased some “Share the Promise” pink bracelets and waterproof breast self-examination cards to add to the package for free. I love the pink color and more importantly women who purchase the package will have contributed to the fight against breast cancer as well as learn or remind themselves how to protect themselves against this horrid affliction!

I doubt there’s hardly a person alive who hasn’t heard of The Susan G Komen Foundation http://www.komen.org that has associated the lovely beautiful delicate color pink with the fight and hope for a cure. When I think of the pink color I think to myself that it maintains a woman’s beauty and femininity despite any mastective surgery. I salute you wonderful women who show us the way to our power and strength and true beauty! I pray for all of you, all of us in hopes we can find a way to eradicate it or reverse it more painlessly.

2 people in my spiritual group have dealt with cancer first hand. So I send healing thoughts to them and all people touched by this life changing disease.

Posted by ijellorca at 10:26 AM | Comments (0)

April 5, 2006

CREATING THE CONSCIOUSNESS THAT BIRTHS GREAT GOOD

Just started a Center for Spiritual Living (CSL) online study group. It’s a 7/8-week study called “CREATING THE CONSCIOUSNESS THAT BIRTHS GREAT GOOD”

It’s wonderful at this strange crossroad of my life. I try to work on a business and get thwarted by my partner’s inability to get his side of the business done. I wanted to attend “A COURSE IN MIRACLES” but didn’t have the money to attend every week. I know they said I didn’t have to pay if I couldn’t afford it but at the time it made me feel more self-conscious. I’ve thought more and more about returning to college but I can’t imagine what I’d do that sets me up for a career I want more than being a writer. Besides that I’m not really ready for a battery of student loans to drag me into debt with no appreciable income at this time. My physical shape is also something I’m struggling with constantly. Which path to take, and the needed commitment to achieve my journey, I never seem to trust my decisions myself lately. I’ve made strides self-esteem wise; I no longer have to see a therapist. I’m on my own and trying to make a way outside of my self-depreciative ways. This study will be a great guidance! Homework is reflective and requires at least 10 minutes of meditation every day, keeping a journal, and prayer for the other members in the group! How could I not participate?

Today when I meditated, EPIPHANY! I realized that I want to create an affirmation to stop “second guessing” myself. I decided that everything I do and say from now on is exactly what I need to do for my intended path. I decided that who I am embodies the Holy Spirit that guides me even when I can’t clearly see the outcome for my higher self. With God in charge the decisions I make can only be about my highest good! If I eat a slice of ham or drink a protein shake or fast then it’s what I need to do for me physically and spiritually at the moment. Seek Ye first the Kingdom of God, as I do and shall for the rest of my days and therefore I’m doing what’s best and I can stop doubting my intentions and most importantly my path and journey; I’m on it! That was a deeply moving and warm realization for me to have!

I’ll be journaling here through my class. I’ve been a wee bit behind on journaling lately because I’m working diligently on my writing and the research for it. I feel totally alive!

Posted by ijellorca at 10:45 AM | Comments (0)