Let my Guard down, won't be Fooled, Foiled Again!

Food Foiled AGAIN

Yes! At 24 hours I was foiled. What took me out? Feeding the dogs, gave them some apple stew on their food. I should have eradicated the extra nummies on their food. Today I most certainly will just put down kibble only. I ended up with the runs for my step off the path. After 24 hours stew just wasn’t the thing to eat. Ate a biscuit to calm to the stomach and had a few more felt better for a bit. This morning stomach not happy. I’m back on the 3 day as of 11 PM last night so new hourly count today. Not surprisingly I still dropped weight but we all know that’s water weight. Still it’s nice to see the scale drop down. It may plateau with what I ingested yesterday. Usually when I come off a fast I eat quite a bit less caustic for the tummy. I’ll be more understanding to the body from now on.

No weird food dreams last night. Didn’t sleep well. I’m more aware of how uncomfortable I am with my actions and the way I treat my temple! This temple of mine is in serious decay and neglect! I started drinking my water again last night and it’s the only thing that felt right about yesterday. I hadn’t had any during the day, but now I feel the craving. When I fast that’s one thing I tend to have trouble with is drinking water. I think I start shutting off anything going through the lips, which is probably the biggest part of foiling my fast. I do need water.

I feel my left tonsil a little, it’s a little inflamed I think. Every once in a while it happens, usually something I’ve eaten! My skin seems bumpy and full of blemishes, let’s not forget blotchy! Blotchy shows up on my skin tone big time! I have jowls like a pig. Sad when you start to resemble the nasty names cruel people have for the overweight, fat, and obese! I remember when I was 1/6th the size I am now and in a weight loss group that that discussed nutrition and how people treat overweight people and this lovely woman in the group who was bigger than me at the time (See I’ve always seen myself as fat even when I was Height Weight Proportionate! I guess when you’re given a “Harmless name like ‘FATSO’ as a little girl with a bit of pudginess then you live up to it the rest of your life, or never believe it will go away, no matter how small you get!) But nonetheless a beautiful woman and no where as big as I’ve gotten in the last 3 years, told me that she was just walking to get exercise and some guys in a passing car yelled WHALE at her! To this day I hate to walk on the street because I’m afraid someone will yell something cruel like that at me. I’ve taken walks with my dogs late at night after 10 PM, but this neighborhood is full of drug addicts and prostitutes that do just about anything for money. Cars are constantly being stolen from the parking lot. If I didn’t have the Walk Away The Pounds tape by Leslie Sansone I wouldn’t get any walking in other than what little I do with the dogs in the field, and that’s much too leisurely to do much good. I spend more time trying to wrangle them then walking in the field. They’re herding dogs so running, cutting cattle, and corralling is what they do. It’s infuriating when you think about it. An overweight person not only has to deal with the food cause: “You have to eat!” You have to deal with tauntings and meddling from people while you’re trying to do the healthy thing for yourself!

Being fat, overweight, obese is such a nightmare; wish you could give the experience before a person actually heads down that path. Not just see it on TV, or in a movie but also intrinsically feel it and all the horrid trappings that go with!

Oh there’s just way too much! All the while people that are big by virtue of emotional, medical, or physical mishaps, issues are real people in the middle of the mass wishing people would see the real “me” instead of just how fat they are. Honestly I know people feel this way about everything they feel takes away from their “true self” For instance, women with small breasts, women with extra large breasts (that don’t want them, be it emotional or physical.) People wish this who have massive scarring on their faces or have been left minus a limb or appendage from birth or an accident/assault. There’s so many reason we all want to surmount out “detracting” physical issues and be accepted, loved, admired and so importantly, respected!

I’ve wrestled with weight since I was first molested at age four. Before that I was a skinny boned little girl who was shy and barely spoke. I remember sitting on a blanket at a family picnic quietly watching everyone and my grandpa Joe, the Blackfoot Indian mix stood over me and asked my mom “Doesn’t she ever speak?” I often wondered if he were frustrated with me or just curious. He himself was a man of few words, so I don’t know. The thing is even before the weight started I had “shyness” I was born into a black family with Native American mixings and Caucasian mixings. I am a girl. I would have 4 things to surmount even before I started weight-merry-go-round! Girls can’t do what boys can do, but hey they can wash the dishes and clean the house! Joy! Being black never seemed like an issue to me at first until some Dark black children started teasing my sister and I for being so light. The thing is we weren’t that light, not by a long shot I thought. Then came the “But you’re black” days and after my mom moved us to a predominantly white community there came the “N” word, I was too shocked to respond at first, then instantly enraged the next time and threatened the kid within an inch of his life. So I was wishing to be seen as me through a lot more than my weight, and suddenly the weight became my protector, buffer zone between the creepy people and the small gushy me. If I were fat and ugly then maybe I wouldn’t be sexually abused or groped by the male species!

People just don’t know how sad and vicious the cycle of the fat, overweight, obese person’s daily lives are. If you’re upset you eat, as you gain you get up set so you eat, if you try to lose weight and are teased ridiculed: “Oh you’re trying a new diet? Hope this one works, are you allowed to eat that?” Or the classic from my aunt: “Turn to Oprah they’re talking to a 650 lb woman who’s having gastric bypass surgery!” Or “Turn to channel 8 there’s a 400 lb twin with her 120 lb sister!” What cracks me up is the people who do this usually have some major issue in their life that’s horrendous, either their weight or their drug addicted husband or something. Ack! It’s exhaustive! I can feel one of those “Letters to Heal” coming!

Daily totals:

010 Pounds Down 040 More to go

Posted by ijellorca on May 4, 2006 11:00 AM | DIGG | del.icio.us | furl