September 23, 2006
Bang Up Weekend
Headed to Sam’s early to get some Romaine lettuce and veggies. A huge plum sized rock (Boulder!) spit out by some semi on the opposite direction Interstate hit my windshield, which now must be completely replaced! I was very shaken. I baked some potatoes with a little protein and onions and called it a day. I didn’t eat a salad, just couldn’t really fit it in. I had a couple slices of cheese with tomato juice for lunch. Tomorrow I’ll get my salad! The whole week’s been disconcerting. It’s simply no surprise the weekend would have ended with a BANG!
I raise my bottle of water and to a hopefully calmer, quieter week coming up. I’ve got so much work to get out it would be nice to do it without all the beams shaking! At least the blood pressure’s calming a little.
147/84 BP 70 pulse - Down -00- Total Lost 044 - 372 till Goal
Potato casserole au gratin
Potato casserole au gratin
Yesterday: Protein shake, black-eyed peas and sea scallops
September 22, 2006
What a difference a full night’s slumber makes. I got up and got busy. Now I’ve got coffee in hand and I’m starting my working day, even have 2 loads of laundry going, cleaned up the kitchen and got the Juicer set up and waiting for the 10AM first meal planned. Between 12-1 pm I’ll take in a protein shake and then a couple hours later I’ll get in the Black eyed peas for a “dinner” then a few hours later a protein shake and finish off my evening with tea I suspect.
What a relief to have a plan for the day. It’s almost like I have something to look forward to throughout the day; a safe cozy mattress to land on. We’ll see how long that works for me this time! I feel so excited; crazy I don’t even know why! It’s damp, foggy and cold actually, but hey I feel great. Oh if I could sustain this mentally every day! I’m totally ready to write today. I think it helps to have a “Plan!” It’s like some kind of comforting place to fall when you misstep! I love it!
I can’t be exactly certain, but I’ve heard tell that PLAN and ROUTINE are practically kissing cousins! That’s a good thing because both of them belong to the COMMITMENT dynasty, a bit rich for my blood usually! Still, I’m told those that marry into this family end up prosperous beyond their dreams! (Laugh!) I’m sincerely hoping PLAN and I can get to be great friends even though ROUTINE and I are abhorrently apposed to each other.
Today’s I’m going to get intimate with PLANNING of my life, my dreams and my writing projects. Got to go, it’s Juice time!
155/92 BP 72 pulse - Down -01 - Total Lost 044 - 372 till Goal
Carrot/celery/apple Fresh Juice
2 Protein shakes
Cup of black-eyed peas
Coffee and tea
So far coffee and the fresh juice!
We’ll see tomorrow for the rest
Flailing unproductive as sleep plays hide and seek
I’ve got to get off of this emotional roller coaster. I’ve already gained one pound! I’m trying to brace myself to keep myself from wigging completely out. I’m still sore from the fall, and bruised. You wish you could slap people for being so careless or force them through the results of their ineptitude, but alas I’ve not the spirit or gumption to enforce either. First of all I’m not a violent person and second I never want people to experience the awful things that I do, no matter how inconsiderate or evil they are. I just can’t hate. It’s a wee bit disappointing sometimes, because it seems like a little restitution would feel comforting. It leaves me sort of deflated and powerless against those that would and do “harm” me in some manner. I guess I’d rather live in a world of love, kindness and goodwill. I’m the type that’s likely to get murdered by the person I’d plead clemency for. When you get right down to it, the creepy things we do affect us more than anyone else. Damage we do to others they can be healed from, yet, we still have to answer to God in ways that are never worth it. Besides there’s always that chance that a person’s heart can change for the better. This is not to say I’d ever advocate putting killers back out on the street because their mothers or fathers beat them or made them wear girl clothes, etc. We all have free will, free choice to not continue legacies of victimization perpetrated upon us. Beyond that, letting people who are unable to control their vicious urges back on the street only sets their souls up for worse tragedies. Spiritual ones. Real love begs us to protect each other even from ourselves. Well, so I think anyways. I'm tired.
I hope my sleep schedule gets straightened out along with my eating routine and exercise. One of these days I’m going to get this routine down. One of these days!
I feel hungry right now and it’s 12 am. I’m craving potatoes really bad.(Carboholic that I am) I really should keep some on hand just to have a baked one when I’m feeling hungry late like now, a simple microwaved potato without butter and junk is really filling to me. That is as long as I can put on pepper and oregano.
Blood pressure’s sure been up. I look forward to shaking off some of this tired aura tomorrow, oops later today I should say.
157/88 BP 68 pulse - up -01 - Total Lost 043 - 373 till Goal
Hot & sour soup/rice
Snapple ice tea
September 19, 2006
Still chasing my magic carpet
Today they’ve been hammering and banging and ripping siding off the walls all over the apartment. Since I’m on the end that means 3 walls along with roof stomping! A neighbor who’s dog plays with mine came by with the work permit he found on the Internet. (Amazing how much the Internet shares with just anybody, I should say frightening! And Bush talks about giving up freedoms to be safe. I guess we do that on the Internet, we give up privacy so we can be free to surf! Irony just plays its nasty little roulette games perpetually.
My stress levels are through the roof completely. I don’t know if my fall yesterday or everything else has my head priming for an explosion. I don’t get headaches as a rule so that seems to heat up the stress. I’m exhausted. Even though I haven’t gone overboard on the junk today, my real urge is to head to Taco Time for fried burritos, and soft tacos or drop by my favorite Thai food joint for Phad Thai, tom kai gai, and Thai rice (Or even more!). I’ve told myself that beans and cornbread is a better choice. I don’t have any ready to “eat” food around so the fast food temptation is high. What can I say, I’m tired, I’m stressed, and I don’t want to cook I want to eat! Comfortably greasy, fried, sickeningly fat food!
I have to be honest I didn’t make cornbread, no energy. Chopped up an onion sautéed it and just dumped the black eyed peas in. Maybe later tonight I’ll have them. Ate fudge bar and drank some orange juice and I just might call it a day. I’m a food addict! Replace the heroin, alcohol, and sex food is fast, quick, cheap and almost always available. I swear I need to fast for hunger issues. I’m out of hand. I don’t’ know why fasting seems so hard lately other than the fact I feel like I’m in constant turmoil. Gotta go.
150/85 BP 75 pulse - Down -00 - Total Lost 044 - 372 till Goal
Peanut butter cracker (only 1)
Black eyed peas
September 18, 2006
Unplanned Silence; it's been such a lovely day, NOT.
Talking to my mom about a cousin who died last night (more joy.) and the phone goes dead. just dead. Why? Who knows. about 2 hours later my mom shows up on my doorstep terrified something weird had happened to me. Bless her heart. I was emailing freinds and family to get them to call my fiance to get him to call the phone company. I guess these days you have to be on the account to do such things. Finally my friend in Canada responded and hopefully the repair division will arrive before late tomorrow. Clearly it was one of those days that I could have slept through easier. But let me remember Katrina and 9/11 and stop whining. It's so eery to not be able to pick up a phone and contact people. My sweetie and I haven't gone a day without talking in the past 7 years and it's disturbing for me. I've tried to watch movies... "Out of Africa", and "Reds" but that's a lot of TV for a Monday. To think that I want to attend a writer's residency that doesn't involve any telephones or internet. That will be a little prickly but it will be planned. Unplanned silence is always so much more dreadful.
It was the one day none of my neighbors were home. Strange. It's like waking up in the middle of the desert when you went to sleep in your grandma's house tucked cozily under one of her fluffy quilts. It's disorienting. I keep hoping that it will fix itself every hour. I still keep checking the phone expectantly hoping to be surprised!
Ah well. I will find a spot to inhabit in my cave, now that even here in my escape I'm left feeling like a fish in low fire cast iron pan. unplanned silence. hmm.
Rainy days and Mondays always knock me down!
Worked all weekend, even though I didn’t plan on it. Now that I’ve switched gears towards finding a publisher, I’ve been crazy about rechecking things. That led to some more rewrites and blah, blah, blah, the weekend was over as I tightened poems up. This morning I took dogs to vet for annual check up and they had oil on the floor so guess who fell. I swear it only happens to fat and old people. It’s a balancing thing for sure. I’m angry and bothered that they were so careless in their floor care. Now my neck hurts as well as my left leg and knee where I landed. It’s all more neon signs yelling: “YOU”RE TOO FAT!!!” I’m working on it but not nearly fast enough for my own comfort. Bad day. I swear it’s set me back quite a bit. Besides feeling humiliated I just can’t help thinking why do I ever leave my apartment. I just want to crawl under the blankies and let the world pass me by. If this were a cave I might consider it. This is just the old Posttraumatic stress disorder rearing its ugly head. Nonetheless I hate leaving my home. I just don’t seem to have good experiences outside of it. Even though I’ve lost weight I feel no joy about it today. I hope tomorrow my attitude straightens out some. I’m going to have to fill out an accident report. Sheesh. Life is never simple…. like no duh!
148/80 BP 78 pulse - Down -02 - Total Lost 044 - 372 till Goal
Black eyed Peas and crackers
September 15, 2006
I’m Finished!!! Woo hoo!
I’m Finished!!! Woo hoo!
The poetry book is finished. Now I can start the hungry hunt for willing publishers. I look forward to sending off queries galore!
Eating wasn’t stellar today, but I’ve been working from morning to night on the last two poems. I was tempted to bag it but inspiration dropped down and saved me. I can’t say I’m feeling hungry because I’m too excited! Tomorrow I get to move back to my play, which my brother is waiting for. (At least a partial first draft) I thought about fixing myself a drink, but my stomach couldn’t handle it. So ice water it is!
149/82 BP 74 pulse - Down -00 - Total Lost 042 - 374 till Goal
September 14, 2006
Oh well, part 4
156/90 BP 72 pulse ~ Down -.0.05 ~ Total Lost 039 ~ 377 till Goal
Peanut butter crackers
148/91 BP 70 pulse ~ Down ~.03 ~Total Lost 042 ~ 374 Till Goal
Shredded wheat and oats cereal, whole milk
Possibly Black-eyed peas
Part 3, hope I can get whole post in
I did 20 crunches today but used my upper abdomen. They were difficult! My belly needs lots of work so I really need to do abs work high, low, middle and sides! I’m trying to simplify things so that I’ll do things I need to get done.
Part 2 ?
I’ve been awake since early morning listening to the rain, traffic and dogs sleeping. It’s a strange twilight time that feels comforting and lonely all at the same time. It’s been quite a while since it rained in this “Liquid Sunshine Capital” and I’ve missed the moisture and wet breezes that it brings, but melancholy sets in like some form of cancer. Time is passing slowly even though I’m glad of it; I’m finding it hard to shake off these “out of step, out of time” feelings. I like the introspection and I can’t confirm I’m feeling totally blue, just misplaced somehow. I’m going to definitely focus on water to get my BP back to a more normal level.
Doing Dip day
Going to have to break my post a couple parts for some reason not taking everything
But I’m plodding along slowly, slowly, but surely. Had 2 Tomato Juice boxes yesterday before I took my BP and my diastolic reading was so high. It’s still high today. I don’t know if I’ll be able to drink that stuff. I thought it was a good juice fasting substitute for a meal. I’ll have to think about ingesting anymore of that. My mom brought over 6. I hope they’ll last in that fridge a while. Today I had a bowl of shredded wheat and oats. Wanted to get a little fiber in.
September 12, 2006
Alone with my thoughts
Yesterday was tough, didn’t fast really. I broke down ate a peach and followed up the day with Triscuit crackers. Okay, whole grain, but not a water or fruit fast. Emotional eaters probably shouldn’t start anything on traumatic days. I’m going to take in a peach this morning in a bit, because fruit helps eliminate packed on gunk in your intestines. I’ve got my Snapple 32 oz plastic bottle that’s been slightly frozen. (I fill them with water half freeze then hammer the bottle until the ice breaks up into chunks and I can drink, crunch on my water) 4 of those a day and I’ve ingested my gallon of water! For some reason that’s easier for me to get down then 16 cups of water. Hey and even if I only down 2 that’s the standard 8 cups. As the bottles get old I dilute a Snapple ice tea throughout the day. I think that’s my best weightloss trick.
My mom brought over some tomato juice, which I may lean on later as well if I start feeling “emotional!” I think I’ll be okay today. Even though I was up late working on the manuscript, I feel good and got a few more poems done. Only 2 more and the manuscript’s done.
I sent off my application for a competitive Writer’s residency. I’ve been turned down 4 times, but my work has admittedly gotten stronger and more succinct. I’m feeling rather proud of my work. As soon as I’m done with those last two poems I can concentrate full time on my play. Although I’ve been writing for almost 30 years this past year has cemented my feelings for my work. My voice developed distinctly into my style. Looking at the collection of my work I can finally come up with a description of what it offers. (I still need to hone the exact statement though.)
The best thing about writing in the past few months it sure has helped keep my focus off food. In the back of my mind I really believe my writing will save me.
155/86 BP 63 pulse ~ Down -00 ~ Total Lost 039 ~ 377 till Goal
Foods Eaten: (Yesterday) Triscuits, peach (Today: Peach, tomato juice)
September 11, 2006
I started watching shows and movies regarding 9/11 and cried myself to sleep finally. I didn’t think I’d actually get to sleep because my mind was firing all over the place. I didn’t’ feel anger, I didn’t feel despair. I felt saddened that there is no healing of the conflict between our nations, because without healing there can be no cessation of the senseless killing. The hatred that is steamrolling all over the world by these minute factions touching and maiming but not killing or repressing our spirits and our determinations across the world to rise above the misguided manifestations of evil, angry hearts. I don’t believe there is any one race, or religion that supports these factions of hatred, there is just evil. I hold dark forces, which exude the desire to harm, responsible by using any vessel that would be used either knowingly or unknowingly. I don’t always agree with the policies of my country and I don’t always see eye to eye with the elected powers that be, but I’m proud. I’m proud to be American in a land that’s so free, we have put the freedoms of this maverick world above the urge to make everyone in this nation see every thing the way we do. It’s this very freedom that allowed those evil factions the ability to cut at our way of life and us, but they only strengthened our immunity to their resolve to damage us. We’ll go down fighting just like the brave members of Flight United Airlines 93. We will never give in to cowering in fear because that’s not American. We are the nation that stood up to our founding British Monarchy, we stopped the ills of slavery, and we are a nation of bouncers! We will forever bounce back from every hit or slight that comes our way. We are not perfect, we’re American, and just like “Old Glory” we still stand!
I didn’t mean to head there today; I just can’t help it. I really feel like eating a cookie, or a cake or a whole danged pot of pasta. I’m seriously emotional but it’s fasting start day. I’ve got fruit and fruit juice for back up, but that’s not usually what I use to comfort me. I wish I had a big pan of macaroni and cheese but nothing here to even throw together such a thing. I feel my mind racing for foods to incite me to eat, but I’ll be strong. I can be strong. After all this is just the first day. Fruit will help clean my system and smooth away any cravings that emerge as this emotional day continues on. Today is such a painful day for so many. If I hadn’t have been brutally beaten up on my job just a month prior to 9/11 then I think I would have bounced back quicker from the pain of it all. This time of the year for me just means horror and terror and innocence lost. I’m braced every August. August I learned that people really do beat you up for nothing, then I leaned in September they beat up nations for “nothing” then I learned people died during Katrina for nothing. It’s an awful time of the year for me when it used to be my favorite time of the year. Now the thought of eating makes me sick. I wrote a poem last month that imbued my frustrations and the feelings I feel at this time of the year. The end of summer really doesn’t hold the same things for me.
End Of Summer
The last days
Of the end of summer
They slipped with terror abroad
Then left with 9-11
We focused on hating our neighbors
Which allowed anti-Semitism to grow
Another go at slaughtering civil rights
And tanned, tinged, brown people
With the bushman’s war on a word
Our focus remained elsewhere
Certainly not on our forgotten people
We let nature do our dirty work
And Katrina washed most of them away
Too late! The world was watching
So we moved people and supplies
Replacing the truth with media sensationalism
To hide our nation’s bureaucratic lies
There really is no summer
There’s just the last days
147/88 BP 59 pulse ~ Down -00 ~ Total Lost 039 ~ 377 till Goal
Foods eaten: None.
September 10, 2006
Trying to get that old feeling…routine.
I have to remember again to take my BP and post my weigh-in. I’m trying to cut way back so that I can get another fast started. My neighbor just completed a ten-day fast following a book I believe his father used. He looks so good and he glows. I have to say I’m addicted to the effects of fasting that’s for sure. If there weren’t so many contradictive books out there I’d probably follow fasting all the way to my weight loss goals. I don’t think of Fasting as purely a weightloss goal, but it’s the healthiness of cleansing your body that I enjoy. It’s just the nay saying junk has been hammered into my head most of my life. I remember just after my first year of college away from my family when I lost massive weight from exercise and eating primarily salads (because the private college I attended saved money by providing salad bars and loads of starchy foods-very little meat.) oh yeah, I also attended chapel every day during lunch to pray (I was planning on becoming a nun back then and it was so peaceful. It was one of the few places I could think and talk to God easier. Okay long way around the fact my grandfather and grandmother thought I was in danger of becoming anorexic because I had lost my desire for meat. When you grow up in a family of Southerners where food is the glue that holds everyone together not eating everything offered is pure sacrilege! Ah! You can’t tell me environment doesn’t shape people; I’m proof that it does! Anyways it’s fall and time for a change and a little fast. I think I’ll start out with 5 days not 10 like my neighbor, but detoxing will be the goal so I might include some herbs to help things along. I can’t wait. I’m trying to get the perishables used up in the fridge first. But May not get that done because I definitely want to start this week. I have so many serious prayers to meditate on so fasting will lend extra energy to that. Well, I’m out of here but at least I posted some numbers. Oh tomorrow I start back to posting what’s eaten, got to go now.
154/82 BP 85 pulse ~ Down -16 ~ Total Lost 039 ~ 377 till Goal
September 8, 2006
Finally I’m back! Sheesh!
Bought a new Monitor 2 months ago, it stopped working exactly 30days later! Contacted the manufacturer and they vowed a 48 hour replacement. Well a 4 days later I called and got the “It will be shipped out within 24 hours. So…a week later I’m told that the reason I refused to accept a refurbished monitor. (So what am I an idiot? Your new monitor doesn’t work more than 30 days and I’m supposed to accept what previously didn’t work and you’ve fixed back up???? Unbelievable! As if that was enough the new monitors wouldn’t be in till the weekend and shipped out the next Monday. Hah! All I can say is those monitors with little birds could learn a thing or two about customer service and keeping their word. Why the manufacturer can’t provide a new model of what is defective I really can’t say! So after another week of more dribble I contacted their corporate offices left a terse message about their shameful lies and non-existent warranty honoring ways and filed a claim to get my money back. Within hours of filing the claim the roguish company calls to give me the tracking number for the shipped New Monitor! Just got the monitor. Of course they didn’t send any paperwork to send the defective monitor back! This is the last time I fool with the 3 little birds! The last monitor I had from them stopped working prior to the end of the warranty by weeks! That was replaced with a “refurbished” one, which worked until the warranty ended then the power button fuzted out. So I couldn’t turn it off with out a hell of a time to get it back on. I put up with that for a couple years then finally it started taking a dive, so I foolishly bought what appeared to be the best deal for flat wide screen monitors. It came highly recommended! Well we’ll see how this new one works, but work or not, their customer service totally sucks! That being said I’m so glad to be back. You don’t realize how much a computer affects your life until you can’t use it!
I haven’t made much progress but it’s something. Blood pressure still hanging out on the higher side. I’ve been writing like crazy, but now I have to transcribe everything to msWord. So I’ll have to get back into my old routine. Since I didn’t have use of the computer I didn’t bother to write the changes every day. I’ll update where I’m at and rededicate myself toward my goals. I’ll be honest I do better when I’m holding myself accountable by keeping a journal online. I think I’d be much lighter by now if I had been able to post.
I’m almost finished with my poetry book to find publishers. I’m well into the play I’m writing about my Great, great, grandfather, and my friend and I came up with some characters that are just a blast to write. Now I’ll be able to write faster with my writing programs for plays, and screenplays, I’ll really get to speed things up!
It’s so nice to be able to get online again! What a relief!
156/81 BP 73 pulse ~ Down -15 ~ Total Lost 038 ~ 378 till Goal