October 31, 2006
Started the day with strong coffee and fresh baked cinnamon rolls. It’s Halloween and beautiful outside. We had a strong frost and the sun came out and shined everything up right.
I thought I’d start the fast early but really felt like cinnamon this morning and some of my sweetheart’s great coffee. The extra space in the apartment really makes me feel good these days. I guess the changing of the windows was a good thing, it got me to clean out a lot of things that I really didn’t need. I still need to move the fire logs upstairs. I really think tonight will be a great night for a fire. I never carved the pumpkins, but it felt right. Against the backdrop of my view of the tops of trees and the mountains in the background the pumpkins look great. It’s almost like I don’t live in the city or even in an apartment complex with all the trees in front of my deck. (Too bad we can’t go out on the deck)
It’s the most beautiful Halloween I remember. I’m going to try to watch some creepers most of the night.
I don’t know if I’ll do Thanksgiving cooking or meal this year. I’m going to try to just find “stillness” at the end of this year and foster my goals and dreams. I’m looking forward to the end of this year. I believe it’s going to hold some major insights for me.
155/76 BP 77 pulse - Down -00- Total Lost 017 - 398 till Goal
October 30, 2006
November arriving beautifully!
November sounds like a great day to start something. I took a picture today and I’ll try to do this daily or weekly. I’m not sure how I’ll get myself to do this consistently. I don’t even journal daily. I’m so affected by distractions around me. Literally I need a home that’s lost on 200 acres somewhere so that the neighbors etc won’t affect my writing and focus.
I’m so ready for a change that’s exciting and permanent. I want to be able to quantify it and see it and feel it on all layers of my being.
I really miss the countdown of the fast hour to hour. Now that Halloween will be tomorrow and my friend and I had our little get together, there’s no more cooking to be done. I packaged all the goodies up and sent them off with her to take to work or whatever.
The apartment is getting straightened out and tomorrow I’ll get even more things packaged for Northwest Center for the Blind to pick up.
I just hate waste. If there’s something I’m not using then I love the idea of someone else getting it and putting it to use. I’m really into the reuse, recycle, and reinvent deal.
This time when I fast, I’ll include fruit and veggies only.
161/89 BP 74 pulse - Down -00- Total Lost 017 - 398 till Goal
October 22, 2006
Sometimes, I feel like I’m waking up for the first time in my life! I’m learning things that most people figure out as children or teenagers! Wild. Yesterday I left some refrigerator pie dough out of the freezer after tussling with stuff up there. Then I was stuck with having to do something with it, (Hate waste!) So I had just gotten some canned pumpkin and decided to make a pie. Of course the can was 29 oz so had to make 2 pies, don’t even have 2 pie plates. So handy dandy Cast Iron 10 ½ inch pan! Cast Iron is like the best cooking pan ever, and it isn’t because I come from a southern family that used them for everything, they’re just so convenient and beautifully black (My favorite color.) You can fry, bake, sauté, simmer etc in or out of the stove! (Off on another tangent I see! I am incorrigible!)
Moving along, every time I deal with the freezer I forget something! Do you think I check? Of course I don’t check, that would be, hmm, smart? Ah, I even forgot some sausage on the counter when I was trying to make a space for the pie to fit in the deep freeze, but luckily I was cleaning up in the kitchen so I found it within minutes. These are the kinds of nonsensical mistakes my friends always warn me about because they know I’m the absent-minded professor at heart!
I woke up this morning just a little disoriented again. The weekend seems longer for me than normal. Not really in a bad way, it just seems like I got so much done that I can’t imagine having another day left of it! Now that I’m up writing at 5 AM the day will be long again, and I pray productive! Anytime I start off writing, even if it’s journaling, it’s a positive thing.
I just got a new ceramic heater that’s “cyclonic” whatever that means in relation to that heater I have no idea, but I will say it can sit flush against the wall, it’s light, has a remote, and digital console. It has a timer up to 4 hours, with a thermostat that you can set including an air ionizer if you want to use it. I didn’t even realize the thing was on it’s so quiet! I use it basically to take that chill out of the air and then it’s off. I don’t like the baseboard electric heat. Besides that I’d like to boycott our public power utility because they’re raise prices but then they make horrendous mistakes and get away with it because it’s our only choice! When I have the funds to build my own place I will most certainly spend the money to run the place almost exclusively by solar power!
It’s the abuse by public officials and organizations that infuriates me! Our power company sent my best friend a bill for $1300.00 because, get this, they’ve been reading the wrong meter for her in her condominium! It turns out my friend who’s lived there 3 years has been paying her neighbors bill, and her neighbor who’s lived there 10 years complained about her high bill because she hasn’t been home for the past year while living with her sweetheart. Well the neighbor received some outrageous check for thousands and she’s ticked because the jerks didn’t give her any interest on locking up her funds for 10 years! They creepy utility company had set up the meters incorrectly since the building was first set up, yet my friend’s expected to go through a financial hardship due to their ineptitude! It still makes me angry! Yeah I use very little power when I can. All lights get turned off as soon as they can, I conserve on hot water and my laundry and dishwashing as well as cooking. If I can use a pressure cooker or crock-pot instead of a whole oven I’ll do it. It’s just my private fight! Fight! Fight the powers that be! That’s me, as my first lover told me years ago “You’re a true anarchist at heart.” I didn’t like it when he said it back then, but I find that I resemble that remark more and more with each passing second!
Well here’s my numbers, not sure what I’ll plan for eating today, in other words, not planned! Yesterday I had soup, some chips, and pie! Not exactly working towards my goal. I told my neighbor to come by and get some pie and my best pal as well, so I’ll get it out of the house and the other pie in the fridge I’ll save for the actual Halloween get together I’ll have with my friend who doesn’t get under my skin with “manipulative whinings!”
147/79 BP 77 pulse - Down -01- Total Lost 017 - 398 till Goal
October 20, 2006
It's trickling off again; still no fast in sight.
Well, moving along almost standing still. I’m down 2 lbs and food’s not really being planned out very well. I’ve had coffee every morning this week, which is unusual for me. I usually only drink coffee once or twice a month. For some reason it seems to hit the spot big time, and I really don’t feel hungry all day. I still eat, but not crazed when I do it. I’m not sure if that’s a good thing or not. According to the book “Mega health” it’s not a good idea to drink coffee at all. Of course the author also said not to eat any flesh food: fish, poultry, red meats, pork etc. We’re supposed to just live on grains, veggies and fruit. I lost 80lbs years ago doing that. I just wish I’d stick with that, but emotional spikes send me running to really unhealthy vittles. Oh well. I’m just about done with all the perishables in the house and I’ll be able to get a few days intestinal vacationing in soon. Halloween’s heading my way and I was going to have a little party at my place but then one of my friends started into her issues of manipulation. Pretty soon the party that I was going to have here, she wanted at her place, we had to watch the movies she wanted and eat the food she wanted. Unbelievable. There’s something really creepy about people that whine to get their way in all the areas of their lives! I decided to Heck with the party, I’d rather have no one over and not cook for anyone, saves me calories anyways! I swear the older I get, the less BS I seem able to swallow.
I wish people would go see therapists when they have the health insurance to do so. Even during the major heights of my Post Traumatic Stress Disorder I didn’t “force” people to do everything I wanted. If I couldn’t do something I just stayed home, I didn’t go to other people’s homes and start up trouble! Oh I’m 43 going on 98 I tell you. I wonder how it is that I love people so much and they get so far under my skin! It sure seems sometimes that being completely antisocial would be easier somehow. I guess it’s a “God” thing that I don’t have children, and probably won’t every have any.
147/83 BP 76 pulse - Down -02- Total Lost 017 - 399 till Goal
Foods Planned: Turkey Soup, Fruit, popcorn
Foods Eaten: Turkey Soup, Coffee
October 14, 2006
Sleep Dreaming all day
I picked up my frozen veggies and was going to make fried green tomatoes today, but just couldn’t seem to exit the “funk” I’ve been in. I’m feeling exceedingly more tired each day. Amazingly I still don’t even want the ice cream in the house. I’m just thirsty and tired. I’ll have to try the fried green tomatoes tomorrow. I still need to carve my pumpkins and decorate for Halloween, but hard to get there when you’re depressed. My friends sent me a Halloween care package and I got some nice Halloween cards, but still feel tired. A friend’s supposed to come by tomorrow, don’t know if I’m up to it yet. I just don’t feel like anything but snuggling under my blankies and watching movies, monsters preferred! I hope I get myself at least near the opening of the hole, which I’ve dropped in soon! Till then, adieu!
October 13, 2006
I didn’t weigh today or take my BP. It’s just been a weird day. I didn’t speak to my sweetie all day but I knew he had a family thing going on tomorrow so I figured I’d talk to him tomorrow. He finally called and I didn’t say much then, wham, a gigantic yelling match ensued. I basically told him that there’s no point talking to him at night or even in the next 2 weeks. I really hate being dependent on him financially during these times, which are rare, but nonetheless happen. If I didn’t have a lease or dogs that depended on me, I’d seriously be out the door and down the road to another state to set up and just live a quiet life away from people. I love him but some of the things he said were and are inflammatory to me. First he tried to finish my point before I could say it, (The same way rude people finish sentences of people who stutter) and then he proceeded to argue that point, one I didn’t make! So I immediately raised my voice when I explained that wasn’t my point. Of course his next move was to yell at me that he didn’t need this BS. Well, that says it all. Everything degraded from there. Apparently I take too long to get to my point, and I’m always yelling. That cracks me up since the whole 20 minutes into the phone call I merely listened to him go on about gas prices and the US going to Russia for lumber due to some kind of Canadian sanctions against the US etc. My first real comment came when I tried to explain the precarious situation of Canada in regards to the US and the pissing contests our countries get involved in that affect citizens that have always been close, almost as if we were part of the same country. Still I was taking too long to make my point, which took less than 3 minutes to get cut off.
I love him, but that kind of crap translates to some kind of Male dominating oppression to me. I’m such a feminist at heart that it grates on my nerves when men do this to women. I can’t stand to see oppression on anyone or any living thing, but I guess the fact women have been oppressed in this country for so long it annoys me even more. Let’s face it; women have been oppressed all over this world forever it seems. I don’t have the same genitalia as a man, but that doesn’t make me any less intelligent. I’m feeling extremely tired again. It’s days like today that really has me longing to not exist in this world at all. It’s degrading to even try to work things out with someone who refuses to listen or hear anything. Most times I know we’ll make it, but these kinds of days I believe that I will go on without him or just disappear for real. The other option is to just stop talking to him generally and “close down” in our relationship. If I have to go there, I might as well just walk away. I really do want to walk away from life.
October 12, 2006
Things are looking up
I haven’t gained any weight, not even a ½ pound! That’s great news I’ll tell you. I’d hate to have to start the Daniel fast even higher! I’m really looking forward to the fast more now. My sweetheart just found out his blood sugar has been high; of course he’s under a tremendously ridiculous amount of stress. Still, it’s been high enough that he actually has to start taking insulin temporarily. I definitely don’t want to start down that path and chronic obesity and excess weight usually leads to Diabetes. I am capable of this and I truly want to do it. I did get some band work in today and some crunches. Again I’m looking to set in a good workout routine on a daily basis. Heard it all before from my mouth, but hey this just might be the time it sets for good. It’s that nemesis of mine, Commitment, which plagues me!
Well I’m off; I’ve got to prepare a manuscript for my brother. He wants a signed copy before it’s published. This from the actor! He made me feel good last night talking to him. I will say this about having siblings, or at least mine, it was a blessing that they were in my life even when I didn’t always appreciate them. I’m off to work, yes work. The book is coming along. I really do adore the characters!
150/85 BP 72 pulse - up -00- Total Lost 015 - 401 till Goal
Foods Planned: Cereal, split pea soup, celery, popcorn
Foods Eaten: cereal, coffee
October 11, 2006
Can’t Fight the Funk, it seems.
The chocolate cravings aren’t going away as easily as I’d hoped. Thank God Salad still remains high in my cravings. There’s no doubt about it now I’m going to have to do a Daniel fast I’m completely out of control. I’m in a nosedive for more poundage at this rate. Even if it isn’t a lot of chocolate, it’s a chocolate craving and when I’ve fasted in the past my cravings have slipped away. My blood pressure’s up and I’m feeling useless and lost! I have no energy to leave the house, which isn’t good, considering the weather’s been beautiful. I’m so depressed about it all, why can’t I get out of this funk!
156/88 BP 66 pulse - up -00- Total Lost 015 - 401 till Goal
Foods Planned: Salad, split pea soup, rib steak, multigrain cereal
Foods Eaten: Salad, split pea soup, chocolate, fudge bar
October 10, 2006
Definitely time for a Daniel Fast
I’m sure not off to the big start I’d hoped for, but then again I did have another piece of chocolate today, small, but still chocolate. If I have to have it for some reason it’s going to be small. I decided on soup to take care of my massive hunger cravings. I made split pea soup with lots of veggies in it. It’s been cool lately so that works. I feel like my post beating Post traumatic stress syndrome is rearing it’s ugly head. I’m flailing at the moment with writing and “where to be” period. I don’t really know what’s got me spooked to the point of wanting chocolate or having trouble focusing. My sweetheart is less than 20lbs from when he was in high school. He’s coming down as I’ve gone up. Oh irony. Anyways I’m clearly not happy, my sleep is shit again. I’m going to go read and try to work on my outline again. Honestly my hopes aren’t that good for tomorrow, but well. Ah, tomorrow I hope my blood pressure will go down at least!
158/80 BP 80 pulse - up -02- Total Lost 015 - 401 till Goal
Foods Planned: Fruit, soup
Foods Eaten: Cup of Black-eyed peas, fun sized candy bar, split pea soup, and handful of celery, breakfast sausage links, tea
October 9, 2006
Feeling Hungry for sure!
The stress Never ends, and therefore niether does my hunger it seems. Oh well. I did have a chocolate bar. I'm more than a little amused about why chocolate's tipping my senses lately. I was going to eat lasagne tonight despite my previous plan, but good thing, the freezer saved me again. I hadn't pulled any down and when I made it I put most of it in the freezer instead of making it easy to grab in the fridge. So I followed the plan and microwaved a couple potatoes. Filler food, now that could be a girl's best friend, especially if it's low cal! Not very productive today, going to relegate my bruised ego and self to the couch for a little tune-out time.
Batteries aren’t always a girl’s best friend!
Just realized the batteries weren’t reading right on my scale. So with new batteries and weight checks, the scale gave me a wrong reading. I’m up 17 lbs! I guess that Period related chocolate urge (something I’ve never really had before, but am told the older you get… Shangri la, the worse the periods get!) Anyways I’ve packed on 17 lbs since I last posted regularly and I’m not going to panic! (At least I haven't gained it all back!) I started the day with a huge salad, been downing my ice water an apple snack and got some stairway workout in. I’m going to try to keep these brief if I can and try to focus on the numbers. I think if I write too much today I’d start bawling. You just can’t ever ignore your health or it will fail you. Life lesson I hope to never ignore again or forget!
153/81 BP 73 pulse - up -17- Total Lost 017 - 399 till Goal
Foods Planned: Salad, baked potato, soup.
Foods Eaten: Salad, apple
October 7, 2006
Missing In Action again..
Oh my goodness!
Well where have I been? Gaining weight that’s for sure! When I don’t post to myself I gain! Thank Goodness it’s not the whole amount, still it’s like slipping down a steep hill and realizing you’re starting at the bottom again!
The time I’ve been gone I’ve finished my poetry book and then started sending it out to publishers and contests etc. I’m back working on the books. The pounding and hammering and nailing and drilling on my apt building stopped but not before boarding my windows and tearing down the railings of the deck! They took out my satellite Dish and so things were pretty hot around here. The past month has been absolutely out of sorts. Now that it’s October I might be able to breathe, especially since I’m not dealing with manuscript deadlines anymore.
Everything’s been interrupted, sleep, eating, work outs, get-togethers. I think I have an unhealthy attitude when I’m trying to hit a deadline, I just don’t care about anything! For two days I swear I sat in the same spot trying to edit and re-edit the manuscript. Of course a week later I found more areas to improve. It’s unnerving! Luckily my neighbor and his dog took my two pups for me when I was attached to the computer for days on end. When I finally got everything sent out, I just felt like I could sleep for days! I’d just sit in the quiet and stared out at the trees (That was after I kicked the boards off my windows in defiance!) I’d rather have a deck without railings and see the sky then stay “safely” boarded up like a convict in solitary confinement! Agh! I can’t move out of this place soon enough!
Here’s my latest numbers. Sunday is another day!
150/82 BP 73 pulse - up -10- Total Lost 034 - 382 till Goal