November 27, 2006
The scale says I’m up 11 pounds; I’m too depressed to even bother checking the danged thing’s accuracy. How I could gain that much in a week is beyond me. I just can’t eat anything! I’m on water. I will die if this isn’t stopped now. There’s really nothing more to say today.
159/76 BP 63 pulse - up -11- Total Lost 005- 411 till Goal
Foods Planned: nothing
Foods Eaten: nothing
November 22, 2006
Lower Blood Pressure
Yippee for this! It’s been a while since I’ve actually skirted the high point of normal range. Still nothing to eat and it’s been 34 hours since I ate something and my stomach is going through the empty gut gurgles and contractions. I have had a craving for Progresso clam chowder, don’t know why but that’s not bad if I did break my fast. I don’t want to do it though. I want feel a little more cleansing and skin rejuvenation. Whenever I fast for more than a couple days my skin gets super soft and all the dry patches disappears. One thing that does happen when I fast is my tongue stays pink and isn’t covered with any white plaque-ish stuff. My period really flows big time and a lot of clots are exuded. It really makes you wonder about the strain your body is under when you don’t give it a break once in a while, whether spiritually or physically.
I actually got about 7 hours sleep last night, very good for me, I usually only get 3-4 hours a day. That’s another thing that Dr. Oz says is you need to get a good night’s sleep to help get more healthy. Lifestyle change I definitely need! Right now I’m going to go with my current run of good feelings!
I’m watching the traffic as people hit the road in droves to “Grandma’s house,” and I’m soooo glad that I’m not going anywhere and that I’m not cooking! The big baby Huey bird in my fridge (19.85 lbs) is definitely going to be well thawed out by Thursday. Still, I’m not going to start cooking it until early AM Friday morning. I am so looking forward to hanging out alone with the dogs. Okay I’m alone today but most importantly NO CONSTRUCTION!!! I can actually relax for a day since the ineptitude began two months ago.
Well I’m going to get some work done
142/83 BP 75 pulse - Down -00- Total Lost 016- 400 till Goal
Foods Planned: nothing
Foods Eaten: nothing
November 21, 2006
20 rep sets of crunches
I didn’t weigh in today but I’m listing the weight from a couple of days ago. I was up a couple pounds. I didn’t eat today, I’m feeling hungry right now, but that will pass. I was thinking, “ooh pizza would be great or some chowder, or some protein or popcorn” but if I don’t eat then I’ll be able to recover from the slight gain, just until the exercising kicks in. I remember Bob Greene, who works with Oprah, said that when you feel hunger that’s when you’re actually losing weight and to not try to satisfy every time you’re hungry. Well, that’s the gist that I remember, not exact words.
It looks like my friend’s home isn’t going to be secure enough to come by on Thanksgiving so the turkey day dinner is postponed till possibly Friday. The Pecan pie is downstairs in the car; it’s cold enough to keep down there if no critters get into the car. I don’t want the smells of Thanksgiving to ruin my roll. I so want to get down to the next hundred. I’m starting to feel that it’s possible again, and that’s not easy to hold onto.
23 hours down and one more left to get 24 hours of no food. I’d really hope to get my blood pressure down to normal again and stay there.
156/84 BP 68 pulse - up -03- Total Lost 016- 400 till Goal
Foods Planned: nothing
Foods Eaten: Mocha
Me under stress
Been gone a bit.
Working on things around here with the uprising against my apartment complex. At this point there’s attorneys involved, the city’s come out several times (they were no help.) Still, I’m preparing to get out of here in the coming months. That means lots of packing and rearranging and thinning things out. I’ll admit it I’m rather preoccupied. As much as I complained about the satellite being interrupted I’ve barely watched it. Thanksgiving approaches and all the eating issues and family histories with it. My friend wants to have thanksgiving here, but someone tried to break into her house and damaged her front door, which must be repaired before she leaves the house. I’m thinking that if she doesn’t get her door fixed by Wednesday I’m not cooking the turkey till the weekend. I’m not really ready for thanksgiving really. I just want to skip it to be perfectly honest. I could spend the day fasting and just doing nothing. No writing, no thinking, just nothing! I could maybe watch some football, or not. Football always makes me think of snack foods, probably won’t do that now that I think about it!
Anyways the weight’s not increasing but hasn’t gone down much just a couple pounds. I haven’t taken my blood pressure lately, but will try to get that done in the next day or so.
I do know this; my thoughts about getting thin seem to take over most of my focus lately. I’m trying to eat less and move more! I’m walking in place when the dogs go to the field and I’m increasing my crunches each day. I need to get 30 minutes of walking in a day, everyday. I’m really into that new show “You on a Diet” by Dr. Oz and Dr. Roszin. I’m starting to count calories more. I even weighed twice today and lost 3lbs from the morning weight by afternoon.
Mentally, I feel trapped in my apartment and violated by the construction ineptness going on around here. People are moving out of the apartments in droves. My lease and the drive to the Midwest keep me here until the lease is up and the movers can get through the roads without dealing with the winter weather.
My sleep is sporadic and waning. The stressors of living here leave me quite out of sorts. Because I never know when the workers will show up and I’m too afraid not to monitor what they’re doing on the deck, just in case they do more damage to my property or the windows I can’t rest or let my guard down. I think that’s what’s leading to my current obsessiveness on the eating and calories and weighing. My eating or not eating is the only thing I can control. Oh well. I’ve got to head to Sam’s club early this morning so I’d best try to get in at least 3 hours sleep if I can get myself to sleep.
November 10, 2006
Personal weightloss Plan
Been gone a few days, but have been trying to gain some structure with the eating. Today I’ve been just about on the money. Just about!
The main thing that helps me is convenience. I’m still thinking Protein and veggies with a bit of carbs mixed in. That’s my main meal, eaten whenever I need a “major foody” type item, something hot, garlicky etc.
Then there’s the bowl of popcorn popped in my microwave popper (Approx. 12 cups) To that I add 2-3 tablespoons of melted butter just to get a “hint” of its flavor.
I have 2 separate types of protein (Whey and Egg) Today I mixed them together in one shake mixed with cold coffee. I haven’t worked it all out yet, but I’ll keep working on it till I get to my goal weight! I might start taking the weekend’s off though an incentive to get through the day when I want to eat something else. I think I’ll actually take a nap during the day too because a couple things are becoming quite apparent to me:
1. I don’t get enough sleep
2. I need more structure in my activities
3. I need more discipline with my eating
4. I need to acknowledge my emotions instead of hiding them under food.
5. I need reminders to follow through.
6. I don’t have to weigh every day; every other day is workable!
Anyways I decided to start taking a daily vitamin, but since I frequently get too into whatever I’m doing I always forget I got a pillbox that has a vibrating and beep alarm for 5 times a day. Often the day will be gone before I remember things such as eating, or drinking water or taking vitamins. Today’s it’s been working pretty well. Although my eating hasn’t been quite on time, I’m still trying to plug at it. I’ve actually eaten everything except the apple. It’s only 3 PM. I might eat some tuna later today or have another bowl of popcorn. The popcorn I make is less than 500 calories and that includes the 3 tablespoons of butter! It’s conceivable to me that I’ll get to the point where I don’t need any butter on it. We’ll see.
It’s Friday a friend had a surgery proceeding relating to newfound cancer, my aunt had pins put in her wrist after falling and cracking them so I’ve got many healing thoughts going out today. The rain’s been falling all day but not as heavy as the flooding around here at the end of last week. I think a nap is warranted just for a little more stillness and meditation.
157/90 BP 63 pulse - Down -01- Total Lost 019- 397 till Goal
Foods Planned: veggie mix, popcorn, apple, protein shakes
Foods Eaten: Veggie mix, popcorn, protein shakes
November 3, 2006
Tailspins: Lashing Out!
No numbers today, mental issues. Yesterday I just sat in my boarded up prison with no lights until long into the evening. I’m angry and want to vent it physically but that kind of hatred just lays me low. I’m catatonic with disgust in my growing hatred of the people working on this building and the way they keep affecting my life without a care. When I talked to the corporate slug they sent up to handle things she hung up on me. All the things I’ve thought up to do to these soulless demons really puts me into the same boat with them which makes me feel even more depressed than being boarded up with no television again! Then I decided to just have the satellite service discontinued. When I tried to cancel it they offered credits and someone to fix the satellite but it wouldn’t be for another 5 days. I told them no deal I wanted it gone, so of course they escalate the service call to happen if anyone cancels. They give me an appointment today from 8 AM to Noon, only to call them after NOON and someone screwed up and didn’t schedule me. It just wears me down. It all feels like more beatings and more “You’re not worthy” bashing. I told my sweetie I was going to cancel and he pleaded for me not to because he thinks I’ll drive him nuts being imprisoned with no contact from the outside world. He’s right I know, but still. I’ve lived without television before of course I was working away from home and got some sense that I was connected to the rest of the world then, and certainly got the news hook or crook or by the occasional newspaper left on the passengers’ seats.
My mom is getting more upset that I’m getting upset. I’ve tried to explain to her that when people are coming and going on your deck and hammering on your bedroom wall at 8am when you don’t expect it or haven’t been notified it just feels like I’ve being violated again and again just like the beatings on the bus, or getting robbed etc. The fact someone “acts upon you without your permission or agreement” feels so wrong to the core. It’s like date rape, which I have experienced. You can’t believe it’s happening or happened especially since it’s almost always with someone you’re an acquaintance with, or will see on a daily/regular basis. You feel stupid and weak for allowing it to happen, but then you’re not really in proper composure for whatever reason to do so. It’s beyond not being in control, it’s a heinous act all around if you ask me because of how you’re left feeling . . . Raped.
I know I’m slipping deeper into depression because I don’t want to leave the apartment for any reason. For one, I can’t be sure they won’t enter my apartment; they’ve done that without asking when they were pulling out the windows. Two, I feel so weak and oppressed that I can barely face myself in the mirror. I feel like somehow I’ve brought this on myself, which creeps me out even more! My little fur balls aren’t much happier, but then they’re going off my emotions I’m sure. It’s just a creepy time here. My sweetie says that it just might be time to move and break the lease. He’s probably right but moving to a new town after all this crap and how it makes me feel is probably not going to fare well on our relationship. I’m so ready to jump out of my skin, or just be dead and gone. Last night I thought about suicide especially since I have the dogs’ welfare planned out if something happened to me. I just can’t bear how suicide would affect my friends and family. My mom would be devastated, not to mention my sweetie. I guess that’s how you suicide-proof your life. Have a conscience and have loved one who would feel the assault of your act on them. Sigh. Nowhere to go! That’s driving me crazier than a June bug in August! To think I was feeling so good 2 days ago. I wonder if PTSD will be with me forever. I’ve been told to liken it to a head injury. Once you have one you’re susceptible to repeat injuries rather easily, or more serious ones because that area is so weak, like aneurysms. Instead of having a baby I was beaten up and I received PTSD that I get to coddle and nurture and neglect and have forced back on me time and time and time again until I die. And the worse part is everyone walking around me that don’t know me, could throw me over the edge by how they treat me… they just don’t know it, and I don’t know when.
November 1, 2006
Triumph, Tribute, Tears
Triumph-Last night I felt extremely hungry starting at about 10:30. I was busy writing but I’d finally convinced myself I was going to eat something. Of course there was candy, hello, Halloween! I have ice cream, sherbet, and protein shakes, hot chocolate, yogurt…it all just sounded too sweet. I like to keep cheddar cheese slices so that I can pop in a bit of protein to stave things off, but all I had was shredded cheese and didn’t feel like cooking any veggies. See I have a thing for convenience and if it ain’t ready to go it ain’t gonna work! All night I kept telling myself I should have ordered a pizza or some Chinese food, but didn’t want to have all the extras sitting around today or tomorrow when I wanted to begin a Daniel fast. I still hadn’t decided if I’d start today or tomorrow since today is “ Dia de los Muertos.” Well finally around midnight I decided to get something since I was feeling “urgent” hunger! Looked in the fridge and saw some cut up apple and pear and started munching on it until I figured the meal out. It hit the spot. I was out of the kitchen and shortly after to bed!
I consider that a triumph for an out of control eater and obese woman that’s for sure! This morning my mouth is dry and I’ve got my trusty Snapple bottle with ice-chunked water by my side. I’ve been drinking like crazy, but trying to knock off around 8pm because woo, not much sleep when you’re running to the bathroom all night.
I feel good today. I’ve been doing my affirmations morning, night and I’ll be trying to remember to do them all day. Found a cool site that talked about the “Psychology” of weightloss. It had wonderful information to remember and to think about to help get people on their way to their goals or get out of a rut etc.
http://www.psychologyhelp.com/book.htm It’s something to check out with many snippets of wisdom like: “Ignore your body, suffer the consequences.” If that isn’t me I don’t know what is! Ignoring things is my “Forte!” I’m just a regular Ostrich head burier I am.
Hey anything that helps I say. This morning got up exercised and figured that this I can do at least every morning, speak nothing of how it limbers me up and gives me the energy to dive off into my day. It’s so cold!!! Aargh! I might have to start drinking hot water instead of ice. I used to drink hot water in restaurants instead of tea. It was warm with no after taste. I don’t know why I don’t do it so much now, I guess because I have tea coming out of my ears! With all the tea and water I drink, I can see why it’s so easy to avoid pop most of the time. It’s kind of creepy to think of all those people who drink nothing but coke or mountain dew all day and nothing else. OF course who am I to speak, they’re probably size 3, as apposed to my (OFF THE SIZE CHART COMPLETELY!)
I’m going to celebrate and remember my loved ones today because I think that of all traditions the ones that remember our loved ones that are not physically with us at this time is a good thing, just like we honor Jesus. The person I think of first is my Grandfather. He was my favorite person on my dad’s side of the family. My dad said that he had an alarm in his stomach that went off 3 times of day. I remember him saying, “Look here we better see about getting something to eat” all the time if we were our running around together. My sister said that one time she went to dinner with dad and Grandpa and she said that he ate so fast she thought he might end up eating a couple of his fingers. I loved my Grandpa so much. I asked him one time if he wanted a pop, and he snarled back at me: “That stuff’ll kill you.” I waved my can of pop in front of his face jokingly and said: “It’s good stuff Maynard” like he was going to be missing out. He looked at me and smiled and said: “Is that right Herman?” And that’s what my grandfather called me till the day he died. “Herman” He even sent me letters addressed to Herman. He was a cantankerous old coot and I’d tell him he was an old coot all the time and he’d just laugh maniacally.
So here’s my list of dead loved ones.
Grandpa “Maynard”- Everything!Grandma C - Her elegant feistiness and class
Aunt Belle – Your Forging spirit discrimination bashing will!
Daddy Joe - His quiet strength in suffering and protecting me
Momma R –Who knew she deserved all the finer things, as she was clearly one!
Momma L - Everything, especially her always accepting loving heart
Daddy Henry – For extracting splinters and being as handsome as ever!
Aunty L – Told it like it was, a pint-sized blast of plutonium!
Uncle Buddy – for taking care of me as best as he could and being there
Aunt J- For your elegance, wisdom, beauty, and strength
Aunt M – Your beautiful craziness that courses through my veins!
Uncle Richard – A true Dapper creased pants man with perpetually shined shoes
Uncle Amos – If there were ever a laugh you’d get it with your stories
Aunt Addie B –For your quiet beautiful elegance and wisdom
Uncle Tim –The bellowing giant with the gentlest heart
Aunt Ethel Lee –sweet as sweet can be no apologies ever
Aunt Loula Mae/Uncle Wright - for providing shelter when shelters didn’t exist
Rhiannon – Mom loves you and still cries for your sweet sweet fur
Onyx/Melanos –My baby boys I pray you forgive me for not always being there
Heidi – Your words are in the world you mattered so much to me
Chucky – Thank you for entering my dreams to say goodbye, I so miss you!
Mr. Wineberry – God bless you, I’m glad you’re with your sweetie running heaven!
Mrs. A – Thank you for all you taught me
Michele’s mom – I’ll never forget that smile or the sparkle in your eyes! Never!
Well as I write all this blubbering my eyes out, I guess the best conclusion to get is that I have a lot of help on the other side watching over me. God be with you all and thank you for blessing me by honoring me with your presence in my life period.
150/83 BP 65 pulse - Down -00- Total Lost 017 - 398 till Goal