May 26, 2007
Packed and Pooped!
Thanks to space bags, I was able to get even a pillow packed. My entire luggage fit into a carry on backpack and one larger roll on. Instead of checking my luggage on board I’ll carry it to the cabin and that way I can disembark without waiting for my luggage the day the cruise ends. The only things not packed are my journal and the two books I’ll take just in case. It took all day to organize everything and get through my list. There’s been lots of nonsense from my mother and sister, but then I guess that’s par for the course. As much as they travel, it’s always disjoint and they leave something behind or are late.
I was going to take a different outfit for each day but my sweetie pared me down to two pair of revolving pants, three turtlenecks, a fleece top and velvet top with a couple corduroy jackets and a parka. He said seven days doesn’t warrant so many clothes. Hey, makes sense when I feel how light my luggage is. There is a laundry room if I should feel so inclined to clean a pair of pants or shirt. So I packed little tiny boxes of detergent, just in case. Since I don’t leave until Sunday around 11 AM, I am way ahead of the game, as far as the trip goes…School work I am almost out of time to get all the work done for next week when I’ll be gone, and the papers I must write in before I leave Sunday AM.
I’m so tired, but I’m going to watch a good scary movie to help me settle down into the blankets and relax…yes, monster movies have such a different affect on me compared to other people. It’s a childhood thing and the times I remember with my siblings that makes me feel safe, not the creepy stories, but where they take me. Time to take me to bed.
May 23, 2007
Just leave me alone!
Today the neighbor popped in complaining about her seriously sick demeaning relationship. I listened even though I wasn’t feeling so well. The stress levels in my system are causing my menses to be perpetual with lots of clots. It’s creepy and annoying and disturbing when you figure I’ve got the danged cruise to go on. She pops back in loud and obnoxious again and starts playing with my dogs but I was trying to talk on the phone then she gets one of my dogs to jump on me repeatedly while I’m laying on the couch and expressed how much that was hurting me but she wouldn’t stop, finally I just said “GET OUT” She looked at me completely wounded and left. When I tried to explain via phone she yelled at me and said I was always mean to her and said nasty things to her. I told her I wasn’t going to play the reason for her martyrdom the way she blamed everyone else in her life for mistreating her. She hung up on me. I locked my door and haven’t spoken with her since.
I wanted to get my key back and hand over the items she had left at my place and then demand mine back but my sweetheart told me, and rightly so, that I’d be just as childish as she was. This woman has no money and is always out of supplies and I willingly share the way I would any person that needed help and lived with someone who didn’t seem to care about her welfare. I don’t expect anything back from her other than a certain decorum when she is in my home. I don’t go to her place, and I try to make sure she understands I don’t look down on her for needing so much, but I still have standards in my home. I actually have standards on how people treat anyone or me in my presence.
People who don’t listen when I tell them something that is urgent, i.e., things that involve pain or some urgency, or my personal ability to deal with something in my home, then I expect them to pay heed or not come here. There was a time in my life that I wanted harmony no matter what. Now I believe in respecting myself honoring my feelings more. My tolerance level for junk in other people’s lives is almost zilch. I know that people have mental issues, heck’s I have them! Even so, I believe that people who expect you deal with an inordinate amount of junk that they themselves refuse to resolves in their lives, is just too inconsiderate. Get a diagnosis, get a book, and work on yourself for heaven’s sake. No it isn’t easy to look at the things we do to perpetuate the negativity in our lives, but it’s the quickest method to alleviate toxic behavior in my opinion.
It certainly is a good thing that I’m moving in a month. No neighbors to harass me to borrow something or call all day to see what I’m doing when I’m studying! What’s sad about all this is I feel like some kind of arrogant jerk. My sweetie feels sorry for her, as I have been inclined to do in the past, but even when I was doing this I knew it didn’t serve her in any positive manner. When I’ve tried talking to her in the capacity of a counselor, she blows up because she doesn’t want to resolve her situation, she’d rather just complain about it and allow herself to do inappropriate things in her relationship, and to herself.
Women, and I guess there are some men out there as well, with self-esteems this low are hard to help. Let’s face it you have to believe you matter enough to attempt to receive true help in any capacity. If I were someone’s counselor I still believe I would require they show some signs of movement to continue therapy. While it may make me some money to allow them to spin their heels indefinitely, it’s just cruel and spiritually incompatible with my belief system.
So there you have it, a dissatisfying day with the neighbor, but I love my sweetie for always helping me to see a better way in life. True love… someone who doesn’t just agree with everything you throw out there, it’s someone who watches out for you spiritually, emotionally, financially, and even socially even when it’s not what you want to hear! I Thank God for my sweetie!
May 22, 2007
Depressed and sliding down.
I may need to start back here to journal, I always do better health wise when I do.
Been out of it for so long, sorry. School has become its own nightmare! I have had two instructors that literally embody some form of neurosis that has left me feeling extremely unsettled and insecure. In less than a week I leave for an Alaskan cruise with mom and sister and stress or just my mother’s typical demeanor is wreaking havoc on my sense of emotional well being. I feel all the symptoms of depression. I’m extremely tired and I don’t want to do anything, not school, not TV, not music, not friends and especially not family. All my great weight loss is gone and gained and then some more. My mother has been bugging me almost daily about having to lose weight for the cruise, if not weekly, daily! The other day she claimed it would have saved her money if I had lost weight! I think of all the people in this world I might be capable of hating it would be her. I am greatly aware of my eating to salve my emotional turmoil and personal stress right now. To make matters worse, I am moving in a month. I have to change all my information and make sure everything’s scheduled to shut down and restart at the new address. I have to pack up the entire apartment; everything has to be boxed so that the movers can move the entire place. I have to get a new bed ordered for the new place and I’m just plain tired in the head and physically. A friend is dropping by soon, but I’m going to crawl onto the couch I think, so that I can just get a nap in. I’m starting to feel that “I just don’t give a damn” feeling again. What is the difference between the people that assaulted me on the job a few years ago and my mother and her emotion, mental assaults? I still haven’t decided if I will tell her that I’ve moved yet or not. I don’t plan on giving my phone number to her, not for a while anyways.