July 25, 2007
Well, Fat “A” lost another 3 lbs
Blood Pressure: 162/81 Pulse: 72
I was so excited today to see this! Not to show up the unenlightened man who called me that yesterday morning, but because last night I was so hungry between about 10 PM and Midnight. That infomercial was the perfect reminder of my journey and how possible it is that someday I will be a thinner, healthier person physically. I went to bed and slept through the night. First time in forever it seems. I didn’t even drink water before I went to bed to quell the hunger pangs, which meant I didn’t have to jump up all night to run to the bathroom. I am so proud of myself. Out of all the weight I’ve lost and will lose, this last 3 lbs means so much because I worked through what would normally be a really rough emotional day for me. I triumphed! Those 3 lbs …Sheesh I’d knew I’d cry. There’s something about realizing you have strength you didn’t know you had especially when it involves saving yourself, and treating yourself good. Before now it was so hard to have hope. It’s still not easy when I feel the thickness of my thighs and the big chunks of flesh hanging on me to think that someday I will have a normal looking body, but the laws of physics act upon just like everything else on this earth, and that means with less input and more output, you lose! Or I win, depending on your point of view.
Is this possible? It’s just after midnight and I’m feeling hungry, and even started thinking about what to eat. Cottage cheese, hamburger, cheese sandwich, salad, ginger snap, fish stick, Soup, potato? I just couldn’t figure it out, but then the show I was watching ended and a Nutrisystem commercial came on with a woman who lost 142 lbs. Her photos looked like me, except she’s actually smaller than me, 142 lbs would still put me at just under 400 lbs! It’s a long haul, but it’s got to be possible if it’s possible for other people. I liked the fact that one woman had even checked into the lap band and bypass surgeries but decided against it. I don’t want to go under the knife and to be honest it’s not something I have the funds to do anyways. I don’t have health insurance just like millions of other people in America. I often think if we had the funds I’d do Nutrisystem, but then I also think, why not be able to do this on my own. I believe the biggest hurdle for me has been the “Believability” of being able to lose weight, especially the great amounts I have to lose. Sometimes I think I should write into a show or something because if I could lose weight it would inspire others, but if I do on my own I’ll inspire myself and that means more than inspiring others. How do I inspire anyone else if I myself am not inspired? So now about twenty minutes later and the commercial’s still on. I won’t be eating tonight. Hearing the stories from these people is like listening to myself in many ways. They talk about the mean things people have said about their weight, or what they eat. Just seeing them beam about how their lives have changed so incredibly is inspirational. They talk about their feelings etc. Well instead of snacking or making a meal, I’m going to go to bed. I want to see myself in a size less than 14 minus rolls, jowls and big ham-like arms and thighs I am ready for bed and dreams of the smaller me, and a much happier me. I can’t wait to see how low I can go. Tomorrow’s a new day and a new me…with each passing minute in fact!
July 24, 2007
Blood Pressure: 152/83 Pulse: 74
When I was taking the garbage out this morning a person in a passing car yelled "FAT ASS" while my back was turned to the street. I have to really journal that, I haven't niched my feelings on it yet. It's moving around from humiliation to embarrassment to indignation to anger to complete dejection. Afterall, my butt is fat, I'm the cause of it, but what is the purpose of yelling such a thing at someone? Is it to be cruel to a stranger? And why? Why would I let such an insignificant person with obvious lower levels of intelligence affect me? He doesn't know me. I've done nothing to him. The fact I'm working actively on getting healthy means nothing, losing 23lbs means nothing. This should mean nothing to me. I'm just not sure yet and I'm wondering how this may or may not affect my day. I wonder if I really, I mean really understood what it would be like as person weighing more than 550 lbs if I would have actually behaved differently with my eating and behavior. To think I avoid going out in public because of my weight, and let’s see this just confirms my reasoning. I am sure there are those who say I shouldn’t let these kinds of comments affect me, but it is really difficult. I would think if I had the kind of tough exterior that could weather such comments I probably wouldn’t have used food as an emotional crutch for my feelings of inadequacy. The world won’t change just for me and why shouldn’t I be any different from any other fat/obese person on earth? After all we asked for this kind of treatment by being out of control and eating boxes and boxes of Twinkies right? Wrong! It’s just wrong in my head. Where’s our humanity and compassion for those less fortunate than us, whether that fortune be physical, mental, social, or financial? I am ashamed of my brothers and sisters on this earth for their continued persecution of those less fortunate by whatever means. I’m ashamed that before 7:00 AM there’s someone awake enough to be cruel. I suppose he’ll go to work and talk about how FAT I was. I’m the fat lady at a carnival only I ain’t laughing and I ain’t jolly. I’m just treading water to keep my head from going under with these health issues.
I’m going back to bed.
July 22, 2007
Lazy Sunday with Ice water
Blood Pressure: 149/89 Pulse: 63
My blood pressure is slightly better today. I still haven’t gotten my exercise into a constant routine. I’ve gained 2 lbs, which isn’t a great thing, but I’m choosing not to panic and lose my mind over it, I’ll change the ticker if I gain another pound but otherwise just changed Fitday. I know that will change back down in the next week. I know, because I’ve got some workouts and salad that says I’m right! That and the blessed water I drink constantly. It’s hard to believe there was a time when I actually craved pop, or anything else to drink. Ice-cold water has become such an addiction to me. I’m looking for that exercise addiction to develop too, then this body will start changing like the speed of light. I really should set up the camera to take my picture weekly just so I can see the changes. I don’t have to show it to anyone but myself, or possibly tape to the bathroom mirror. Maybe I should start out doing a picture once every two weeks though, I’m not sure there will be much difference physically in one week. We’ll see. Meanwhile, it feels like a lazy Sunday to me.
I used to think that Sundays were supposed to have “BIG BREAKFASTS” with eggs meat, waffles, hash browns, and grits, whatever. Then you could lie around reading the Sunday paper or go see a movie and drink mochas all day. Now a lazy Sunday is more like not being rushed to do what I want to get done and breakfast…well it just doesn’t entice me that way anymore. I think about the eggs and the bacon and I think I’d rather not deal with the mess of cleaning it all back up, not to mention that I don’t feel like the heavy weight of such a breakfast. I really don’t feel like eating anything. I thought about the fruit breakfast but it just doesn’t seem like something my stomach wants to tackle and since it’s a lazy day. Why eat at all? Before I get hungry though I’ll probably grab a bowl of soup later, but otherwise. I can’t think of anything I rather have than some ice cold water. I'm going to go warm up the couch a bit, it's looking kind of lonely!
July 20, 2007
Meandering about, not much else.
Blood Pressure: 154/79 Pulse: 68
Down another pound, but that’s still okay. I’m still looking to get more off before the first of August. Tomorrow I’ll have a salad for sure and a baked potato and maybe an apple with peanut butter for breakfast. My main filler these days is water and that’s probably the biggest reason I’m going down, till I really get this exercise as second nature as drinking water has become. I’ve got a lot of work to do tomorrow So that I can get more clutter out of here. I’m still sleeping on the couch; need to get repositioned to the bed. I just think I feel less lonely with the TV going. I’m not at that “safe” feeling here yet, at least not at night. I like being alone, less pressure than when people are around, but how to describe it? I’m not used to living on the bottom floor, it never seems as safe as being on the top floor of an apartment. Changes, they are good if you look at them as such. Not really feeling like much to say lately, but I’m trying to get my posting more regular. It helps me to look at myself when it comes to my frame of mind and my eating and how I feel. Later. Ij.
July 16, 2007
I keep making them. Insights are abounding and I just can't describe what it's doing for my spirit. I can see myself being completely changed physically in the next six months. I am so excited for December to arrive with my new attitude and body.
July 15, 2007
It's 1 AM and where is your head?
Gonna get myself to sleep in the next 15 minutes. The getting at lest 8 hours of sleep is difficult for me to do since I drink too much water all day and I get up exhausted running to the bathroom! I know so stop drinking right? Well to tell you the truth now I’m addicted to ice cold water and the way it drips down the back of my throat. I feel like I’m drying out when I’m not drinking. It seems the more I drink the more dehydrated I feel, or I guess I’m just aware that I wasn’t moisturizing myself better before. This is the time I would rather hang out and write or watch a movie, or just think, but I’ve lots to do tomorrow and I can’t get it done sleeping all day. As soon as my head hits the pillow I’ll be shooting for 9am wake time. I actually feel sleepy which is amazing. The big issues I need to work on more than anything in the weightloss/health journey…
1.Moving, exercise in any way shape or form I can that is more than the day before.
2. Sleeping a normal amount for a fully functioning organism of my size and caliber!
3. Eating Breakfast! But not after 7PM.
4. Telling myself how beautiful and wonderful I am every day!
Just those four things could change my life! I want to change my life, I feel good about really wanting it!
Seeing myself as I really am is a challenge when I look through the warped eyes of my jaded past, but when I think of my future and even now I see my fingers, long, thin, lovely. I see and feel soft hair that I used to complain about all the time, I feel so grateful that God made me to be me. My essence can’t change or be taken away from me. Man it seems like I’m crying all the time these days, but how could I ever think less of me when God, Jesus loves me? How could anyone on this earth, my mother, aunt, brother, father, or anyone who looks at me for any reason to judge me matter more than God or God’s opinion of me? How do we let people think that their malicious hearts and damaged minds had a right to speak to us about anything but pure love and forgiveness? How? I am so much better than anyone’s misunderstood thoughts of me. It’s so true, “What you think of me is none of my business!” What must someone do who has no faith? How do they stand all the weight of hatred that exists in the world? Even when I allowed someone make me feel less than human, wonderful, or good enough I was buffered, lifted up if you will with the grace of the light that shines throughout the world and the darkest insecure corners of my misaligned thoughts and beliefs about me and the rest of the world. God forgive me for ever thinking such awful thoughts about myself, which led to such awful thoughts about others. God forgive me for not loving myself enough to love others as unconditionally as you constantly teach us to do daily. I’m so sorry. Whoever you are wherever you are whether you know it or not, please forgive me. Please. Oh how I forgive myself for being less than accepting and understanding and loving with myself. Let’s all forgive and open our hearts to receive all the greatness that is rightfully ours just by our hearts. The real ones, the only ones that we were given as birthrights, not the hardened encased shell we’ve woven around it. It’s time to go to bed and seek that coveted 8hour slumber of rejuvenation.
Fly like a bird
Take to the sky
I need You now Lord
Carry me high
Don’t let the world break me tonight
I need the strength of You by my side
Sometimes this life can be so cold
I pray You’ll come and carry me home**
“Weeping may endure for a night but joy comes in the morning…. Trust God.”
**From the “Fly like a Bird” by Mariah Carey on the Emancipation of Mimi CD.
July 14, 2007
Lazy Day Saturday
Blood Pressure: 000/00 Pulse: 00
Watched a little TV, studied a little, slept a little. I cleaned up the kitchen and did laundry. Not much else. Funny though, it feels right for the first time in a long long time in my life. It reminds me of wonderful Saturdays when I knew I didn’t have to be anywhere, or do anything and I just felt wonderful. I am really proud of the fact that I’m not letting other jobs or issues send me over the edge. I like that I’m doing exactly what I need to be doing right now. I like that I am starting to feel this, and cement it. I looked in the mirror today and even though my hair had escaped the rubber band, to me it looked lovely and I felt pretty despite wearing knockaround slobbers (super casual who cares clothes). I feel good, that’s all.
July 13, 2007
Working through it all
Blood Pressure: 000/00 Pulse: 00
Didn’t get the BP readings today, maybe tomorrow. Felt sick all day, after a few trips to the restroom, I’m not as nauseous; it’s either hormones or toxic by products as the weight drops. I’m down 22lbs since May 27th, which is good. My motivation is returning with the healthy information I’m assimilating and the non-existent constant stress from my old residence. It’s so peaceful here without the threat of someone bothering me; I can’t begin to explain how it has affected me. Even if I approach the best ways to describe it, it’s still quantum leaps away from just how much it is affecting me. It really tells me how detrimental stress in our lives. Way more than transfat if you ask me!
Despite my dizziness all day I still completed my assignment in class with hours to spare. Tomorrow I do hope to write more. I’m working through it all. My big goal, ring in the new year with a new body and attitude and yes I started a couple months ago, but I’ve got a lot to wrestle with. I look at my clothes and they’re so baggy and ridiculous. Once I get a few major spare tire bulges down I vow to buy more form fitting clothing. I’m beginning to see how tent clothing doesn’t do me justice, or even inspire me. How did I get to the point of believe I don’t deserve to look “HUMAN?” Self-esteem damages no doubt. I am human and I deserve better! My body may not be shaped nice like someone Height weight proportionate, but it’s still a body and clothes aren’t too hide but accept what you have. Big words I know, but truly, I’m starting to see how true these words are. I am human and I have a right to look as good as my body can look with the shape it is at any one time. I’m going to keep saying these words to myself till cement further because I so matter. The tears, yup, I can’t help but feel so bad for how I’ve treated me all these years. Punishing myself for the way other people treated me instead of standing tall and demanding better. Even I mistreated me, why the heck wouldn’t anyone else. God Bless the Angels that saw through all that to the real me. God Bless them.
July 11, 2007
Changes I can live with!
I know it’s been a couple months, but things have been spectacularly wild. I finally found some tranquility though. I am in the new place. The move was awful, but I’m through it. There are boxes everywhere, class has started and I am so thankful I made the move. The neighbor with all the problems blew up at me the last minute after I moved and it was really displaced aggression and anger. Instead of my usual way of dealing with relationships, I didn’t try to work it out or talk it through with her. I was in the middle of having just moved and I was stressed. I let her yell and rant and rave and talk rather crazy and just calmly let her hang up on me. I was so tired of everything that I was near tears then I remembered that I can’t be responsible for other people’s issues and I truly had enough on my plate as it was. She never called back and I just pray for her to work things out in her life and her heart. She was such a sad case emotionally. I tried so hard to help her with food, and used of my car, and even financially occasionally, but in the end I really think her anger was fear of what things would be like for her after I moved. I think she had a hard time with that and it came out in anger. Unfortunately she constantly interrupted my studying and she was loud and demanding. I blame myself for being so permissive. I always believed that people should self regulate when you offer help, but that just isn’t something you can do with people lacking this kind of maturity. I guess realistically if they were capable of this understanding they probably would not need so much help in so many areas of their lives. This is an issue I have to be stronger with: letting people stand on their own two feet so they can build up the strength to deal with life when I’m not around. I want to be all about empowerment, not causing dependency on me. God bless her and keep her safe.
Now I can get up study, unpack boxes, sit and think, whatever, without interruptions or fear of drop in company. My dogs have a big back yard to walk out to and play. I have felt so calm that my appetite is just about absent. I’ve lost 13 lbs since I moved. I drink or chew on ice from the icy bottles that I make each day. I have been trying to get myself to commit to eating breakfast, but alas my stomach, mind and complete system seems to reject the thought intrinsically. Yesterday I had a granny smith apple and it went down okay, but couldn’t seem to face it today. I’ve been trying to cook lots of veggies and protein. I know I am a carboholic, but the loss of appetite has squashed most of my cravings for it. I even feel better about myself lately. I feel more appreciative of my quirks and ways of thinking. It’s like I was a lab rat smashed in a cage with 40 other rats experiencing all the pernicious deviances from overcrowding they’ve documented in research, and now I’m in my own cage (smile) and happily enjoying the quiet and non-pressure from everyone else’s lives around me. That is a very good thing. I don’t even remember the last time I felt this much peace! (Even with a whole garage of unpacked boxes.)
At night the Mp3 goes in and I can just let my finger weave me into my favorite world of words and sentences and colorful descriptions. Everything is starting to fall into place around me including the tranquil personal space I require to think clearly and produce as a writer. I am becoming less and less reactive to things that would normally set me off. The class I’m in currently deals with psychology of health and all aspects of it. It’s extremely motivating health wise. I am finally making the connection for getting healthy. I don’t worry about food tasting good now when I eat, I just think of what I tend to miss, protein and fiber hence the focus on protein and veggies. I get in more than a gallon of water daily now. My skin is clearer and I’m feeling better even in my joints and limbs. The next post I'll start my numbers up again to monitor the changes.
I pray the momentum continues.