February 18, 2008
I want to Disappear
I have been depressed all day. I just do not feel appreciated, but then again I don’t appreciate myself very well either, so no surprise. I feel so oppressed right now with my life. I wish I wasn’t in a relationship, it makes me feel bad right now, but then I brought that on myself. I’m sick of my body, I’m sick of my behavior, I’m just sick of everything. I couldn’t even get it together enough to complete my school assignments today. I’ve never done that. That means more pressure tonight and tomorrow to get that done. Usually when I get done with my work I feel free for a quick minute, but now I’ve got stuff from last week butting into work from this week. I just want to sleep all the time. I slept all morning, then most of this early evening. I haven’t felt this low in a long time, but such is life. I wish that I could just dry up, turn to dust, and blow away. I’m tired of feeling scared of what I’m doing to my life and with my life. I know that there will be a more upbeat time, but right now it just sounds exhausting to even think about it. I just turned 45, I don’t feel 45 today I feel 60. I feel old and bedraggled. I wish that I had made better choices in life. I’m sad for the choices I made and here’s another year of being obese and sad. Yippee for me.
Clarity, a Life’s Best Friend?
Blood Pressure: 158/82
Realizations, etc., are not very fun. It’s a hard thing to swallow knowing that you give more than you get. It’s even harder to swallow when you realize you give more away because you feel you’re empty somehow and hope that the returns will fill you up. I hate how little I have loved this person that looks back at me in the mirror, (whom I often avoid by avoiding mirrors for fear I will see the truth about how I treat me), I hate how I’ve allowed other people’s junk coerce me into continuing their mistreatment of me with the hurts they inflicted and I’ve bought foolishly as the truth! What’s at the crux of my weight, the belief that I don’t deserve to look any different.
February 16, 2008
How do I not see me...realistically?
I totally screwed up, in my opinion a major paper in school. Even after I read it to my sweetheart he said it seemed like I lost focus. Strange isn’t it that I still got the top points in class. People are always telling me how smart I am, my sister calls me a genius (not sarcastically either) and I just do not get it! How is that I do not see this. Maybe in comparison to my classmates my grades are considered high, but what about in comparison to myself? I’ve experienced this same type of phenomenon with my looks. Constantly being told how “beautiful” I am when I feel like the ugliest fattest glob of worthlessness in the world. How is it that I could not, cannot seem to see this. There was even a time in college when I literally would get up and run to class with my hair, curls every which way, overall straps hanging like tails with the big down in front. I looked completely unkempt and un-put-together. Instead of people looking at me like the freak I was, they would say I was cute. I just didn’t get it then, and I cannot really say I get it now. Well now I’m so huge no one looks at me as anything but fat. I am quite sure they feel disgust or revulsion when they look at all my fat. If they could see the gigantic globs of fat that are hanging off of me like the elephant man, then trust me no one would want to look at me at all. I don’t want to and I’m me. I know I need the Daniel Fast, because I am going through something here. I’m on the verge of something.
I do my schooling because it gives me hope for the future, but physically I just can’t seem to get myself moving the way I know I should. A workout in the morning and evening seems easily doable even if it’s a short amount of time. Why do I feel like such a fraud? It’s like something that stays with me constantly, especially when someone gives me a compliment. I feel as if I need to prove to them that they are wrong. I feel like I have to be brutally honest with myself about everything or with everyone about me. I don’t know if I am actually being honest about myself. I may not be the absolute worthless horror that I seem to want to claim I am. Oh boy, lot of thinking and reading I think I need to do. I have another paper due but I want to just read and live in quiet today. Sunday I will work on the paper. I’ve got to get back to my goal sheets. Check in maybe later today. Ij.
February 15, 2008
Restarted the Daniel Fast
Blood Pressure: 157/71
Well, messed up my fast. Why? Donuts, available and I actually ate them to “finish them off” so that they wouldn’t get wasted. Isn’t that morally reprehensible, won’t waste some stupid fried sugar dough, but my life, my heart, and those who would be affected by my life being over, I willingly wasted them by eating those awful donuts. This is how I know my thinking is off. Even if someone were to say to me “everyone falls off the wagon don’t be so hard on yourself” I know that this is a way for me to ignore my own horrendous behavior. I did venture out for dog food today to a part of town I did not know and walked into a store I had never been in and was friendly and cordial. I liked the store and the woman running it and next time I go, the dogs will go in with me. I proceeded to drive home and eat 4 donuts! Yes. That’s 1032 calories for a fluff of air that broke my Daniel fast. I started the Clock back another day. I’m not depressed about it, but disappointed in myself. I am going to go lay down and think some more. I just finished 32oz of water. I do feel tired. Whether it’s a PTSD remnant from the unfamiliar trip, or the hordes of sugar in the donuts, either way I need to think and maybe nap and remember why I am doing this fast and how much more disappointed I will be in myself for not completing this fast for myself.
February 14, 2008
Everytime I miss coming here...
Blood Pressure: 156/78
I am gone for any appreciable amount of time I end up gaining, not as much this time, but definitely back up. I have been going back down again, lots of stressors in my life teaching more life’s lessons that pretty much have been kicking me about. It is still the greatest struggle on the exercise. I even joined an online weightloss site that gives you set exercise each day; it really is a good site to utilize when you do it. I have even come up with some routines for myself since I am so big that traditional exercising does not always fit my body. Since the PTSD of my life began, I have been peeling back layers, and layers of realizations about life, myself and my “way” in the world and it helps me to move one baby step closer to a healthier life and body, but I do lose focus. I have learned enough to know that I do it on purpose when I do not want to deal with something. The way someone treats me, Disappointment about something, such as gaining on the scale when I was so close to being under 500 lbs! I let it creep back up and pretended I did not care. You know, it’s funny, when we say we don’t care about something or act like we don’t, it’s always the things we really do care the most about.
It’s Valentine’s Day and I would not have believed I would still be up in the high seats of this weight nightmare, but that’s a lesson I finally get. I cannot keep revisiting this unhealthy situation from this side of things. My body is breaking down from it. I can see how my legs have shifted in their alignment to deal with the constant abnormal excess weight. That will be that way most likely for the rest of my life, not to mention the excess skin that I do not have the funds to do away with when the weight drops. Can’t focus too much on my scary monsters or I’ll try to salve it away with something ingestible, no doubt.
After popping in here checking out the responses the Daniel fast post continues to get responses, and I thought about it I really need a spiritual rejuvenation. I had to deal with a betrayal from a friend lately who took advantage of my good nature. When I was crying alone in my bathroom I looked in the mirror at my grossly huge body and how I’ve let my fear of the world put all this obese weight onto me and allowed people to treat me however they chose to and I realized something. I am treated this way because I do not stand up and treat myself better. I’ve been to this conclusion before, but looking at myself pathetically crying for feeling hurt by someone who took advantage of me since I allowed them the tools to do so really stiffened me up. I think I really wanted them to feel sorry for me and take care of me, do the things I did not want to do. That’s pathetic all right! No more.
Because the heating bill is so astronomical I have kept the curtains closed most days, and probably will continue with that till Summertime, but it’s led to my feeling comfortably sequestered again, and wanting to retreat from the world. I have felt good though when my dogs and I have emerged for some reason, but every look in the mirror tells me that I am like some alien mound of flesh that people would run from if they were more honest about how creeped out they are around people this obese. Who can blame them? We want them to be compassionate and not “judge” us as bad because we are obese, or we wanted to be treated like everyone else, but how can that happen when we cannot fit in Airline seats, desks, restaurant booths, our cars???!!!
By virtue of looking so different, people with look and why shouldn’t they? Take a good look, don’t let yourself get so out of touch with you, that you become someone else…. or practically 4 selves at one time. All the awful truths of being obese they are horrendous! How to fit in toilet stalls, wiping yourself, the showers, bathtubs, and the inability to stand for more than twenty minutes hecks ten minutes if you’re anything like me sometimes. Sometimes my body can handle physical endurance, on most days it seems I cannot, but that might have something to do with I slept (which leg was crushed during the night, or which hip, if I didn’t turn enough) It’s all so sordid and this isn’t even the tip of this iceberg! Well that’s the grim of it all, or certainly a tiny look at it and my intention wasn’t to focus on it and feel horrified. Truth be known… I don’t have to recount it because I live “horrified” but each and every out I am moving away from the horrors of this useless lifestyle. My birthday is literally in 4 days, 12 hours, 27 minutes and 10 seconds. I found one of these great countdown timers online I think it’s called timeleft.com or timeleft something. I’ll post the link tomorrow. You can put in a day and watch the days whittle down. I decided after I popped in to read the Daniel Fast responses that I would do a Daniel fast before my birthday. It felt right and made sense… Starting another year of my life ruled and controlled by food and awful habits is not serving my highest self physically, emotionally or spiritually. I started at midnight officially. What a valentine treat right? No food! My sweetheart sent me a box of chocolates yesterday and I imbibed on some, but left most of the box in tact. He said he felt guilty because of my working on my weight, but my thinking is this: If I cannot live with something like that, I’ve lost the battle already. I do not feel motivated to eat the chocolates and they are sitting in the box real close. I know some obese people would feel challenged, but my main challenge is not so much the food as it is “NOT MOVING” enough.
I’m working on redesigning my life and writing out my goals and this fast are helping me to focus. So happy Valentine’s Day to me Chocolate Free! I expect I’ll be back tomorrow, I sure hope so, and I need this self-reflection even though all mirrors make me queasy. Ij.