February 14, 2008
Everytime I miss coming here...
Blood Pressure: 156/78
I am gone for any appreciable amount of time I end up gaining, not as much this time, but definitely back up. I have been going back down again, lots of stressors in my life teaching more life’s lessons that pretty much have been kicking me about. It is still the greatest struggle on the exercise. I even joined an online weightloss site that gives you set exercise each day; it really is a good site to utilize when you do it. I have even come up with some routines for myself since I am so big that traditional exercising does not always fit my body. Since the PTSD of my life began, I have been peeling back layers, and layers of realizations about life, myself and my “way” in the world and it helps me to move one baby step closer to a healthier life and body, but I do lose focus. I have learned enough to know that I do it on purpose when I do not want to deal with something. The way someone treats me, Disappointment about something, such as gaining on the scale when I was so close to being under 500 lbs! I let it creep back up and pretended I did not care. You know, it’s funny, when we say we don’t care about something or act like we don’t, it’s always the things we really do care the most about.
It’s Valentine’s Day and I would not have believed I would still be up in the high seats of this weight nightmare, but that’s a lesson I finally get. I cannot keep revisiting this unhealthy situation from this side of things. My body is breaking down from it. I can see how my legs have shifted in their alignment to deal with the constant abnormal excess weight. That will be that way most likely for the rest of my life, not to mention the excess skin that I do not have the funds to do away with when the weight drops. Can’t focus too much on my scary monsters or I’ll try to salve it away with something ingestible, no doubt.
After popping in here checking out the responses the Daniel fast post continues to get responses, and I thought about it I really need a spiritual rejuvenation. I had to deal with a betrayal from a friend lately who took advantage of my good nature. When I was crying alone in my bathroom I looked in the mirror at my grossly huge body and how I’ve let my fear of the world put all this obese weight onto me and allowed people to treat me however they chose to and I realized something. I am treated this way because I do not stand up and treat myself better. I’ve been to this conclusion before, but looking at myself pathetically crying for feeling hurt by someone who took advantage of me since I allowed them the tools to do so really stiffened me up. I think I really wanted them to feel sorry for me and take care of me, do the things I did not want to do. That’s pathetic all right! No more.
Because the heating bill is so astronomical I have kept the curtains closed most days, and probably will continue with that till Summertime, but it’s led to my feeling comfortably sequestered again, and wanting to retreat from the world. I have felt good though when my dogs and I have emerged for some reason, but every look in the mirror tells me that I am like some alien mound of flesh that people would run from if they were more honest about how creeped out they are around people this obese. Who can blame them? We want them to be compassionate and not “judge” us as bad because we are obese, or we wanted to be treated like everyone else, but how can that happen when we cannot fit in Airline seats, desks, restaurant booths, our cars???!!!
By virtue of looking so different, people with look and why shouldn’t they? Take a good look, don’t let yourself get so out of touch with you, that you become someone else…. or practically 4 selves at one time. All the awful truths of being obese they are horrendous! How to fit in toilet stalls, wiping yourself, the showers, bathtubs, and the inability to stand for more than twenty minutes hecks ten minutes if you’re anything like me sometimes. Sometimes my body can handle physical endurance, on most days it seems I cannot, but that might have something to do with I slept (which leg was crushed during the night, or which hip, if I didn’t turn enough) It’s all so sordid and this isn’t even the tip of this iceberg! Well that’s the grim of it all, or certainly a tiny look at it and my intention wasn’t to focus on it and feel horrified. Truth be known… I don’t have to recount it because I live “horrified” but each and every out I am moving away from the horrors of this useless lifestyle. My birthday is literally in 4 days, 12 hours, 27 minutes and 10 seconds. I found one of these great countdown timers online I think it’s called timeleft.com or timeleft something. I’ll post the link tomorrow. You can put in a day and watch the days whittle down. I decided after I popped in to read the Daniel Fast responses that I would do a Daniel fast before my birthday. It felt right and made sense… Starting another year of my life ruled and controlled by food and awful habits is not serving my highest self physically, emotionally or spiritually. I started at midnight officially. What a valentine treat right? No food! My sweetheart sent me a box of chocolates yesterday and I imbibed on some, but left most of the box in tact. He said he felt guilty because of my working on my weight, but my thinking is this: If I cannot live with something like that, I’ve lost the battle already. I do not feel motivated to eat the chocolates and they are sitting in the box real close. I know some obese people would feel challenged, but my main challenge is not so much the food as it is “NOT MOVING” enough.
I’m working on redesigning my life and writing out my goals and this fast are helping me to focus. So happy Valentine’s Day to me Chocolate Free! I expect I’ll be back tomorrow, I sure hope so, and I need this self-reflection even though all mirrors make me queasy. Ij.