February 16, 2008
How do I not see me...realistically?
I totally screwed up, in my opinion a major paper in school. Even after I read it to my sweetheart he said it seemed like I lost focus. Strange isn’t it that I still got the top points in class. People are always telling me how smart I am, my sister calls me a genius (not sarcastically either) and I just do not get it! How is that I do not see this. Maybe in comparison to my classmates my grades are considered high, but what about in comparison to myself? I’ve experienced this same type of phenomenon with my looks. Constantly being told how “beautiful” I am when I feel like the ugliest fattest glob of worthlessness in the world. How is it that I could not, cannot seem to see this. There was even a time in college when I literally would get up and run to class with my hair, curls every which way, overall straps hanging like tails with the big down in front. I looked completely unkempt and un-put-together. Instead of people looking at me like the freak I was, they would say I was cute. I just didn’t get it then, and I cannot really say I get it now. Well now I’m so huge no one looks at me as anything but fat. I am quite sure they feel disgust or revulsion when they look at all my fat. If they could see the gigantic globs of fat that are hanging off of me like the elephant man, then trust me no one would want to look at me at all. I don’t want to and I’m me. I know I need the Daniel Fast, because I am going through something here. I’m on the verge of something.
I do my schooling because it gives me hope for the future, but physically I just can’t seem to get myself moving the way I know I should. A workout in the morning and evening seems easily doable even if it’s a short amount of time. Why do I feel like such a fraud? It’s like something that stays with me constantly, especially when someone gives me a compliment. I feel as if I need to prove to them that they are wrong. I feel like I have to be brutally honest with myself about everything or with everyone about me. I don’t know if I am actually being honest about myself. I may not be the absolute worthless horror that I seem to want to claim I am. Oh boy, lot of thinking and reading I think I need to do. I have another paper due but I want to just read and live in quiet today. Sunday I will work on the paper. I’ve got to get back to my goal sheets. Check in maybe later today. Ij.