Shattered Dreams

Doing just great!!!

My son is so very pleased with himself. He loves his new job and loves working! It's such a joy to see him so happy. When I think back to how the hospital staff wanted to just tuck him away in a group home it makes me glad that he and I have had the adventure of a lifetime by daring to do what they said was impossible. That of regaining a healthy mind, body & soul. I am grateful.

Update

I am happy to say that my son has never done better in his life. Next week he will begin a job at a local restaurant. He has made some changes in his life since I last posted.

One change was for him to extricate himself from a very tightly bonded friendship that was ultimately dragging my son down. This other person was not determined to live above his mental disorder, but rather to let it control him. It was difficult for my son to disengage from this friendship but once having done so he tells me that he feels much more "free".

My son's schizophrenic symptoms are at an all-time low and what he does see through a hallucination he quickly dismisses. He knows that they are not real.

My son has also joined an on-line Christian support and prayer group which he has found to be very valuable. On a daily basis he now study's the Bible and is contact with others like him. Through prayer requests, posting and phone calls he has made some huge strides in living above schizophrenia.

Going Great

It's been quite a while since my last entry. I am happy to say that my son is doing extraordinarly well. And he is on a bare minimun of meds. Right now he is taking Clozaril, Ability, Paxil and Klonopin. This combination is working for him!!! He still has auditory halluciantions, but he knows who is real and who is not. Also what he does see is out side our home. He sees people looking in our window. Now I can understand why he likes to keep all of the blinds closed all the time.

The addition of Paxil to his meds has helped him greatly inthe area of OCD. He no longer feels obsessed like has has no choice. This is a huge stride for him. He reports actually enjoying life!!! What more could a mother ask for?

I've been feeling a bit

I've been feeling a bit down and a bit overwhelmed by the care needed for my son lately. He needs a job so that is isn't home constantly. He's tried so very hard to get a job ANYWHERE!!! He can and has workedd in the past. I'm hoping that with kids gone back to school that may open up some opportunities for him.

Other than that he is doing exceptionally well. His SZ symptoms are quite a bit diminished as is his anxiety. His biggest complaint is that of having nothing to do. I'm hoping he can get some sort of job soon!!!!

Home from the hospital......

My son is now home from the hospital and is doing exceptionally well. He is on different meds and lower dosages than before. His anxiety and OCD prooblems have lessened and his SZ symptoms are greatly reduced. Which makes me a happy mom!!!

Update on my son

My son is still in the psych hospital. He has been moved from the maximum security unit he was first in to a floor where there is much more independence and activities. He has taken an interest in his appearance...whcih is a good sign for him. On Monday he is to be exaluated to see if he would qualify to get into a SIP apartment. (Supported Independent Program). After that it will take about a month or so to actually find him a placement.

His schizophrenic symptoms have greatly diminished....and he is on lower dosages of the same meds he was taking before. The one thing that has been great to see is that Paxil has been added to his list of meds. This particular med is a huge help to him with anxiety and OCD behavior.

So....all in all he is doing well.

Things change by the hour...

One minutes it's this and the next it's that. One p doc says he should remain inpatient till he can be placed in a SIP apartment. The next doc says he should be discharged, go home, and wait it out at home.

I wonder how the p doc would feel if he had to spend his life with someone who recently had a homicidal psychotic episode???

Doing much better

In the past week Dan is doing much better in regards to having psychotic symptoms. He was put on a once a month time released injection of Haldol and it has done him wonders! Unfortunately the drug also has some serious long term implications....so he will have to be carefully monitored. He is still hallucinating but once again he has learned how to tell the "real" people from the hallucinations. When in doubt he just asks one of the staff if that person is real or not.

He will more than likely be moved to a different floor of the hospital this week. The floor he is on is for severely mentally ill people and Dan has recovered enough that he no longer needs that level of care. From there he will decide whether to go to a group home or an assisted living residence.

As for me...I am just thanful to have my son back!!!

A very difficult time...

I'm sory I have not posted much in the last few days. I've been rather down in the dumps with what is going on with my son. Dan's psychologist called me yesterday. She told me that Dan was in pretty bad shape and that we could expect him to be where he is for a lengthy amount of time. He has been put back on anti-psychotic meds but they are not having any effect on him yet. Another issue is that Dan wants to sign himself out of the hospital against medical advice. His p doc cannot allow this currently as Dan is considered potentially suicidal/homicidal. She will be getting an attorney and they will go to court where Dan will losehis guardianship to whomever the court appoints....most likely the team of doctors and therapists that are working with Dan. No one from our family has talked with Dan because he is unable to conversewith anyone due to the psychotic state he is in. I have to work this afternoon, but my husband is going to go see Dan this afternoon. I have tomorrow afternoon off so I will have to wait till then to see Dan.

What can I say? I am trying to cope, doing ok with it...but have a broken heart!

He Is A Super Hero..

Well, my son still thinks he is a super hero and is going to save the world from the evils of ET. I know this is schizophrenia doing the talking in him.

Today he is supposed to be started on new anti-psychotic meds. I have no idea how long it will take for them to kick in and work. They took 4 mos to get out of his system....I only hope it doesn't take that long for them to do their work in him now. I miss him and I have got to get myself ok with him living in a group home. With the help of God and supportive people in my life I will try to be strong for the sake of my family. I am needed to hold things together.

A Major Relapse...

Today my son was admitted into a psych hospital. He has had a total relapse into schizophrenia. I thought something like this was in the wind but it's still a shock when it happens. On Sunday night he and his friend went to see a late movie. At 6 am I received a phone call from my son's friend saying that Dan was at a hospital. I got there ASAP! Dan was talking about all kinds of bizarre things. He said that he had tried to kill ET a few years ago....but he wasn't able to. Now we need to "notify the President of the US" to let him know that ET poses grave danger to all people. My son wants to train with "Rocky Balboa" so he can take ET out. He is also hallucinating many other things, people, hearing voices...etc. Dan tells me that he quit taking a lot of his meds 4 months ago. He stated that they made him sleep too many hours and he was tired of it. He has hardly been taking any meds of late. This afternoon I counted 32 bottles of meds that I found hidden. This is such a disappointment! Dan was so close to getting his own apartment and a good job. Now it is unlikely that any of that is possible. Dan wants to go to a group home when he is discharged from the hospital. He is afraid to return to my condo...too many memories of seeing horrific things.

I feel heartbroken.

A Bit Of A Relapse?

My son Dan has been doing just terrific for a long time until early this morning. He began have auditory and visual hallucinations. Schizophrenia is such a difficult illness to understand. From what my son told me he was triggered by a couple of programs he watched on TV....and shortly after that he began to notice himself experiencing these SZ symptoms. Right now he is asleep and I am hoping that when he awakes that he will be doing better

Locked In Fear...

There was one pitiable incident that happened in all of our lives that forever changed things. Years ago my husband & I had newspaper routes. I had abut 400 customers and my husband had about half that many....largely because he was also working a full time job. Our kids used to take turns gong with their dad to deliver papers.

Dan was about 7 at the time.....and it was his turn to go with his father on the paper route. I was feeling particularly frustrated with Dan as he was having one of his more difficult days and nothing I did seemed to make it any better. When my husband and Dan came home from delivering the papers Dan ran and threw himself into my arms. My husband was on a raging spree...yelling...cursing...stomping around. Dan clung to me and I wrapped my arms around him not knowing what had happened or what to expect. My husband told me to pack Dan's things and put him out on the street. Well, it was November, cold, dark, and NO WAY was I going to put one of my kids out of the house. So I said "no". My husband's rage turned to an even more dangerous level...I had defied him!

At one point my husband went upstairs and I thought to myself....he is getting his gun and is going to shoot us all. I was frozen to the spot and Dan was still clinging to me. Thankfully he didn't come back with the gun but was ranting and raving like crazy. This went on for days and then he finally stopped talking altogether for about a week.

During this time I got glimpses of Dans body and found him horribly bruised. His father had beaten, kicked, screamed, cursed him all during the paper route that one day. Dan now walked around with his shoulders hunched as if waiting for the next blow. At this point I took Dan in to start seeing a children's therapist. I also told my husband that if he touched Dan again he would have to go through me to get to him. and that I would call children's protective services myself if he so much as touched Dan.

He was angry...oh was my husband angry! I was scared half to death myself. If my husband found out that I was taking Dan for therapy there would be hell to pay...but Dan needed it badly....so the risk was worth it. Unfortunately the longer Dan was in therapy it became evident that the beatings had started years ago....but he was not hit hard enough to leave any bruises...just enough to scare him half to death. Also, the beatings took place when I was gone from home. So I began to take Dan with me wherever I went in order to protect.

I admit, I was a real moron for staying with my husband.....but I was his victim too. He was abusive to me and I felt like I had to help him and that one day it would stop. So I stayed in the marriage. Looking back I wish I had left many years ago. Maybe some of Dan's mental illnesses wouldn't be so severe if I had left. I don't know...I did what I thought was the right thing at the time....but I'm afraid that I didn't do right by my son. I should have left....long ago.

More than one diagnosis

When Dan first entered long term psychiatric hospitalization his main diagnosis was Anorexia. Over the period of his 15th year he dropped 60 lbs in 3 months. I was horrified when this was happening. My husbnad and myself had taken great care that no emphasis be put on food or body size....just becaue I didn't want any of my kids to have to struggle with ana like I did. But low and behold my son decided one summer to lose some weight. He he stopped at losing 10 - 15 lbs he woudl have been fine...but there was nostopping him. By the end of his 15th summer he would eat only leafs of lettuce and small bowls of mustard. He was in and out of psych wards like a revolving door. Finally he was put into long term treatment.

He was so thin that they just about put him in a medical hospital at first. I was told to be prepared for the worst bcause he was beyond what you would call thin. At the first hospital he was in they centered all their efforts on his problems with anorexia. And they were successful. To this day he weighs a normal weight, and has noe of the classic straits fo someone with an ED...for which I am eternally gratefull.

While in the first hospital it became very clear that Dan had OCD. I pretty much knew he had that from the years of raising him. He would re-do the same homework page 12 times if he was allowed to do so. His belongings seemed to own him instead of the other way around.

And then there was the Dx of schizophrenia looming in the future. It was more than I felt I could bear. When Dan went into long term treatment his older sister decided to move into a group home. She and Dan were very close and she could not cope with living in the house without him there. So we looked around for a good group home provider and she entered one at the all too young age of 18.

Within the span of 6 months I went from having 3 kids at home to 1 at home. I was hearbroken.

Finding a cure for schizophrenia....

Because I have two grown kids who have schizophrenia, a cure would be the most marvelous miracle anyone could hand me...or to the rest of the population who tries to cope with this mental illness. Watching your kids talk to someone who is not there is not fun at all!

My son Dan asks me often..."did you call me" and of course I didn't call him....it's just something he alone "hears". Or the paranoia that comes with SZ. Dan has different things he is VERY afraid of. One of them is bees. If he even comes near one he runs for his life...whichc looks rather odd since you can't see anything following him.

A cure....I don't read any hard evidence that the medical profession is anywhere close to a cure. The best they have been able to do is to develop new meds that have less side effects and work more efficiently than the older meds. One of these days...one of these years though I DO believe they will have a cure.

My son has accepted the fact that SZ is something you have for life. It won't go away, you can't get healed of it....you live with it for the rest of your life. Me? I keep hoping for a cure.