Like father, like son!!!

Tigga also has Marcus two days a week including one evening-overnight, and another weekday he is with his Grandparents and Uncle Coconut, so that gives me time for my own email/internet business (I’m self-employed) and personal email, health-related research and time for therapies and swimming/aqua-gym, all of which are very important to me!

Marcus’s favourite place in the world at my parents house in the heart of his family.

Marcus out in the fresh-air with his Grandma

He loves being outdoors, meeting doggies, and seeing animals and wildlife, ponds (to through pebbles in and feed the ducks), going to parks and basically being pretty much anywhere with his grandma!

Marcus playing the piano at Grandma's

Tigga lives at Steve’s flat and exchanges the babysitting for rent and another free trip to the Florida Keys this December, including this time several days up at Ordlando/ Disneyworld in the New Year, which she is very excited about (we all are!).

Tigga looks after Marcus primarily for the love of him (she calls him her little bruv), but we will ensure she is well paid-back for all her efforts as she HAS BEEN WORTH HER WEIGHT IN GOLD TO US THIS YEAR! She has just gone off to Leeds University now having got in this year, and she is studying nursing. We are all very excited and happly for her.

Marcus with his little girlfriend Kasey and his Tigga!

No one can replace her as a babysitter, as Marcus does so many things in the time he spends with her. His social schedule is very busy and he even has a 2 year old girlfriend called Kasey. But we will find an alternative child-care arrangement I’m sure. We’ll have to! I’m not keen on getting an au pair as they live-in and we have very little space in our home, but if it comes to it, we’ll do that. I have to be practical and, although next year, when Marcus turns 3, he will start nursery in the afternoons (I will have to just bite the bullet when it comes to the colds and bugs he will pick-up and bring into the house), I’d prefer not to go there just yet! I am sure that the right solution will turn up anyway.

Marcus playing in the back garden with his Grandad at my parent's house

I have plenty of options as thankfully we can afford to pay whatever necessary. In the 3 weeks after Tigga has gone and before we fly our to the Florida Keys (for 3 months), Tigga’s brother, who Marcus loves, will help us out (he also lives in Steve’s flat right now!). I was hoping that his girlfriend, Gabi, who is 17, would take over from Tigga, as she too has helped out this year, when Tigga was away in Corfu, and Marcus is actually in love with her, but she has split up with Tigga’s brother, and has also just got an office job, so she won’t be available now. I’d prefer someone like her, someone I trust and someone I know adores Marcus and that Marcus adores, but I am now looking an alternatives, such as local Mum’s who have kids already and who would find a bit of extra money very handy, or maybe a local child-minder. The main thing is that my boy is happy and comfortable with the person he is with (and not bringing me into contact with too many bugs just yet). For the time-being Tigga’s brother, Doolan (Chris) is helping us out with the childcare.For the time-being Tigga’s brother, Doolan (Chris) is helping us out with the childcare.

It has been all the colds and bugs this year that I have caught from Marcus, from baby-groups and generally from being rundown, that has been that major problem this year and have really set me back (after getting all that sunshine in the Autumn/Winter in the Florida Keys, and vitamin D, which suppresses the immune system, so is good for ms, we come back to England like complete wusses and seem to get every bug/cold going!!!). But I realise that this is part and parcel of having a child, and fundamentally, really, it is my low immunity that is the problem, so it is up to me to fix this (so I don’t come down with them!).

So I am going to have to look after myself even better, and take the time for therapies etc. I tried seeing a chiropractor this year in England, but that didn’t do me any good, so now I am getting back to basics, and last night, I had my first session of Reflexology, with Cecile, a lovely French lady, who runs Feet First, and she was brilliant. It was £30 for an hour, she came to my house, and it was very relaxing. I plan to have this therapy monthly and I am sure it will help boost my immune system, and improve my health, circulation and everything. Bottom line is I love this therapy anyway, so anything else is a bonus.

Marcus, Grandma and Grandad all worn out!

I am also going to find a way to get the drug Low Dose Naltrexone (LDN) again as well, as many people with ms, find it helps them, and it boosts the immune system and that is what I need. I did take it on and off for about one year, a few years a go, and I didn’t feel it made enough of a difference to me, to justify what it costs me to buy, but I wasn’t up against then, what I’m up against now, so I’d like to give it another go! It should help me ward off all these nasty bugs! That is my hope anyway!

Big chair.Big sleep!

Physically, I am worse wrt ms, but with all these bugs and colds, triggering my immune system to attack my nervous system, it is not at all surprising. I am just thankful that I am not significantly worse, in that I can still manage and lead a relatively independent live. My left hand and arm are a lot shakier at present, the vision in my left eye is somewhat blurry, and my legs are stiff making walking extremely difficult at present. Also my arms get a little stiff and weak towards the end of my cycle (yes, I have a cycle again now, it took 18 months after having Marcus before I got a period, but now I am on a 6 week cycle, my periods are heavier and I get quite bad PMS and feel bad with MS towards the end of my cycle as well, but I am glad to have periods again!

My body must be recovering from the shock of producing our beautiful boy, but I am being very careful now as I am not planning to repeat the experience in the near future! Marcus keeps dropping me hints though as he adores babies, but he is having to make do with friends' babies and a doll, baby Natasha, whome he loves.

I think producing a real baby sister Natasha for him right now would make life immensely difficult. It is a dream, but a dream too far. I am focused on getting through these years when Marcus is young right now. When he reaches school-age and if Steve is less busy with the business, then it might be a possibility, but I think it is unlikely. We are more than happy with the one we have got and very lucky to have him! I am continuing to focus on day-to-day survival and making it through, because I do not want for my ms to get any worse. It is difficult (sometimes beyond words) but I love the life I have. In so many ways, I am so blessed.

Apart from all the colds and bugs, it has been a great year in many ways. We went down to the MSRC reception at the London marathon in April so everyone got to meet the boy!

At the MSRC reception at the London marathon with friends

We also met up with two very special and remarkable ladies, who have ms, along the way, Shirley and Jane, ladies we know from the Yoga for Health Foundation, as well as a carer of Shirley’s, Rosangla, who we were happy to see again. Not to forget seeing Jane’s amazing carer dog, Finn, who we adore and who remembered Steve from several years a go.

Me, Finn (carer doggie), Jane and Marcus, Shirley and her husband!

Everyone was thrilled to meet Marcus and he had a ball! We stayed with Judy Graham, another amazing lady with ms, author of several self-help ms books, and editor of New Pathways magazine, and she was very smitten with Marcus too. He particularly loved Napo the king-charles spanial staying with them,and also throwing pebbles into her garden pond!

Marcus and Judy throwing pebbles into her garden pond

The next weekend after this trip, Phillip, who has MS and comes from Oz (Philoz) who was over here with his daughter on a holiday came up North to see us. I know Phil off the MSRC message board, and I met up with him for the first time at the MSRC marathon reception! Together we all made the trip up to Skipton to visit another dear friend, Charlie Gee, who also has ms but always has a smile on his face, doing his best and making the most of life in spite of adversity. We visited him and his wife Renee and had a lovely Saturday night take-away curry together and they were thrilled to meet Marcus as well. Considering my, Charlie's and Phil's lack of mobility, it was quite a result to get together, and all thanks to Steve, my wonderful fella!

Us together having a lovely curry at Charlie Gee's.

The next major event of the year was our wedding on July the 22nd, 2007. Though we had hoped to wedd in the autumn in the Florida Keys, in the end I felt it was to much of a big ask to get my parents to fly over there for a holiday, bearing in mind my Dad in now 79, and since his major neck operation last year (for a skin melanoma), he has become a lot older, more forgetful, lives with considerable back-pain and is a lot less steady on his feet. He has had two fall this year, each time cutting his head and is far more fragile as a result. I decided the right thing to do was to marry in Sheffield.

Ideally I wanted to marry in our back garden, in between a life-size silver-back gorilla sculpture we have got, and a 9 foot Velociraptor dinosaur I had set my heart on buying! But as the ground where you marry has to be registered we decided to meet with the vicar at St Bart’s church just around the corner from us, where I sometimes take Marcus to a baby group! The church building is very modern with walls with panels of glass so it is very bright and alost like being outside. So we met with the vicar, Martin Kilner, and got on very well with him and things went on from there. Martin was about to be ordained so he could do weddings, so we were to be his first wedding (apart from the one in which he married his wife!), so this made it extra special too!

We kept the wedding to a minimum of fuss, bother and expense. We invited close friends and family and then had a buffet back at our house after

The most expensive thing about the wedding was Steve’s gift to me, which was the 9 foot Velociraptor!!! When it arrived at our house a few days before our wedding, it was so enormous, I did wonder ‘Oh what on earth have I done!’. We had to take down our fence on one side to get it in but our neighbours were very good about that!

Marcus exploring the Velociraptor!

On the day of our wedding I went to a local hairdresser’s just up the road and near to the church and had my hair and make-up done specially, and my friend Jacqui Wilmshurst, a school friend from years back, met me there and we then went up to the church. Really the whole day went like a dream for a girl who never really dremt about her wedding day.

My Mum played the piano before and after the service at the church and did a grand job making a beautifully decorated wedding cake. My Dad accompanied me down the ailse of the church with me driving my mobility scooter, entirely suitable when you think I was marrying the man who first sold one to me some 8 years a go, my very own scooterman!

Marcus putting peddles in the mouth of the silver-back gorilla in our garden!

Marcus did a great job as best-man wearing his dungarees. He really made the wedding very special, especially when he came into the church at the exact moment that Martin asked if ‘any persons here present knew of any lawful reason why Sylvia and Steve may not be wedd’. He came running right up to us babbling away and I think he was giving us his blessing. He also made everyone laugh when he started dancing right at the front of the church to one of the tracks we had chosen, Thank you by Led Zeppilin.(We chose music tracks to play that has special meaning to us instead of having hymns).

Afterwards Steve and I enjoyed a drive about town in our 1960 Buick Riviera with white and blue ribbons on, and a Just Married sign hung on the back. My brother also made tin cans all tied together and decorated up to hang on the back of my scooter with Marcus and Grandma’s help of course.

Me, my brother Matthew (Uncle Coconut) and our 1960 Buick Riviera

Back at the house the local paper photographer turned up to take photos of us with the Volociraptor, and the icing on the cake was that Calendar news phoned later that day and arranged to come and interview us the next day. They filmed us in the garden playing with Marcus, then they interviewed us separately, and they took our wedding video away to us.

So our wedding made the main story on Calendar news on the Sunday teatime. The angle was that miracle baby Marcus was best man at our wedding and it was an update of us all really, a happy wedding day story. They even flashed back to the footage when Marcus was a newborn and they cut-in scenes of our wedding from our wedding video which my brother had done for us, and the whole event was beautifully covered.

So what with this, with having the Buick Riviera as our wedding car, being Martin’s first wedding and also having the Volociraptor dinosaur in our garden, bought to mark the occasion of our wedding, both Steve and I are glad we got married over here in this way. I was keen for close friends and family to be there anyway, but it was quite a compromise for Steve to give up on getting married in the Florida Keys, but even he says he’s glad we did it this way, and he has proved himself a great man for agreeing to doing it this way in the first place in spite of a few reservations! So I am thrilled that he now feels this way!

Two generations: Mr and Mrs Brown, (my parent) and Mr and Mrs Wright (Steve and I).

In August we flew off to Berlin in Germany for 4 nights. I wanted to visit our great family friend, Marie-Luise and her Turkish friend, Melek and for then to get to meet Marcus. I love Berlin anyway and wanted to take Marcus to Berlin Zoo.

Marcus enjoying Berlin Zoo

The icing on the cake with this trip is that my good Norwegian friend, Ann-Cathrin, made the trip from Norway too, so we met with her in Berlin too and she got to meet the boy as well! We also enjoyed meeting Melek’s family and her new husband! They were all fantastic peoplle'

The trip was fantastic and Marcus loved the zoo, especially the "kinder-zoo" where he petted and fed the goats. He also loved meeting everyone and everyone loved him.

Marie-Luise, Melek and family, Ann-Cathrin and us in Berlin Zoo

We went on a nice boat trip around the City and saw the sights, and on the final day I enjoyed a wonderful massage with a homeopathic Doctor, Dr Dirk Zifer, which Marie-Luise treated me to. It was very relaxing.

Us on the boay cruise

This week we have just returned from a weekend away visiting my good schoolfriend Julia in Ross-on-Wye and enjoying a great BBQ there, then staying overnight in the Travelodge in Monmouth, and travelling down to my Grandad’s in Curry Rivel near Taunton in Somerset. So Grandpa (well Marcus’s 96 year old Great Grandad) got to meet Marcus and they got on very well. Grandad was amazing in that he didn’t get tired while we were there, and didn’t even need a rest (unlike me and Steve). Marcus enjoyed exploring the back garden and putting flowers into a big metal bucket and telling Grandpa to pick it up and bring in into the house etc.

We ordered a take-away curry in and it was delicious and Steve even gave Grandad’s mobility scooter a thorough service!

Marcus with his 96 year old great-grandpa!

It was a big thing for Steve to travel so far on a weekend, in his so called spare time, especially with the traffic and the difficult we had in finding the Travelodge, which was on a Motorway Services and had no real address, but he did it for us and for that I am very grateful. The BBQ, the curry and the full English breakfast he had at the B&B before we travelled home, did help. We stayed on the Sunday night at Ednehurst B&B, in Curry Rivel, where we have stayed before and it is run by a lovely couple, Marina and Tony Greenway. They treat all their Guests like Royalty and Marcus thought they were the dog watsits too! I enjoyed cups of green tea and a lovely fruit salad for breakfast so I was happy too!

Marcus reading a book with his Grandad

In 4 weeks we fly off to the sunny Florida Keys, this time for 3 months and I can’t wait. Though I have tried to keep up with swimming and going to the Gym this year, it hasn’t always been possible. When I do go now I don’t do very much but it wipes me out completely so it is not very practical. I went last night though and went on the aquagym, managed to get my legs working eventually, and then did 12 lengths, so I am pleased about that.

Marcus having a big laugh playing with his Uncle Coconut and a big traffic cone!

It is important that I exercise as I do believe in the philosophy of use it or lose it, and I want to strengthen my arms as well as improve my legs, but with all the bugs and colds it hasn’t always been possible. I need to do more stretched and yoga type exercises again, which help. I do try to do some everyday, but I want to do more, and though a bit more complicated with a toddler, it’s not impossible. If I lie down he does like to throw himself down on top of me, but that is good fun anyway!!! I’ll just have to teach him to do Yoga with me! Simple breathing and relaxation exercises are also important, and often in the midst of everything, we forget the basics like how to breath properly.

Marcus with his grandma playing in a wheelbarrow

We celebrated Marcus’s 2nd Birthday, one month early, so he could have a party with his friends Kasey and Malik and of course his family (as on his real 2nd Birthday we will be away in the Florida Keys). Marcus really enjoyed himself and it was a great 23 month old Birthday celebration.

Kasey, Marcus and Malik in the bath tub!

Even though the future is daunting I am very determined to survive and come through this roller-coaster journey life has taken me on in becoming a Mum. It is an incredibly difficult journey at times, but incredibly rich and beautiful as well. I am doing my best and so is Steve, we are happily married and Marcus is one very lucky boy! He has parent who love him, a very unique Daddy, a remarkable Mummy, a very special babysitter, Tigga, girlfriends galore (the local girls still help me out!), wonderful Grandparents/Uncle Coconot, and a very full and happy life! All that and Teletubbies! Isn’t life great!!!

Marcus, now 17 months old, is at a simply adorable age! I must admit he is ultra-cute and very gorgeous but the main thing is that he is healthy and has a beautiful personality to match his looks. He is very bright and a real charmer so we are very, very lucky (with my only having a half-sized womb none of that could have been taken for granted).

He gets a bit cross if he is not allowed to do something (like press the button to turn off the tele while we are watching it!) but he soon gets over his little upsets including the bumps and little falls that all toddlers have, especially boys and climbers like Marcus! Otherwise he is very placid, happy and such fun. He has such a sense of humour like his Dad and totally ‘gets’ him! (and they look so similar as well that often people joke that I’ve cloned Steve!).

Marcus with his Dad at Balti King, Broomfill, Sheffield - the best curry house in the world!

I know we have not yet reached the ‘terrible twos’ but I am not too worried about this phase, and already, he knows when he has done wrong, and Steve is a strong male role-model and won’t take any messing about. They are never too young to learn and Marcus already learnt who was the boss very young age (in that if he is silly when there is nothing wrong with him apart from being over-tired, he just gets ignored!)

I am enjoying this age that Marcus is at, and seeing him develop. It is a wondrous journey! His first word was ”woof” (if you class that as a word!) in the Florida Keys, when he heard and imitated a dog, when he was just over 1 year old. But his first real word is “Bye, Bye”, which he has been saying for a few months now, and he waves. He says it a lot, even when he has just met someone, so for Marcus it clearly means ‘Hello’ as well! He also says ‘there’ when he hands something to you, and he blows kisses, does peekaboo, putting his hands over his face them shouting ‘boo’ when he takes them away, and when we say ‘Tazan’ he cries out ‘Whhaaaaaaa’ with great gusto, waving his arms around, and banging his chest. This he learnt after he handed me his Tarzan video and I did it. After that he started doing it, much to our amazement, whenever we said ‘Tarzan’.

Marcus at 'Art in the park'- he ended up in the local paper with a similar photo to this one so proving our boy is himself a work of art (and his Daddy is a piece of history, haha!).

He took his first real steps on the 21st of November, 2006 we know the exact date because we were in the Florida Keys and on the phone to my brother, Matthew, (Uncle Coconut) who was in S. America where he was travelling. Suddenly Marcus let go of the kitchen cabinet he was holding, and stood there balancing on his own. I panicked of course thinking he would fall over, and screamed for his Dad to step in and get him, but Steve held back! He has a feeling that it was ok and he was right, for Marcus then took his first two steps landing on my lap at my wheelchair. This was witnessed by his Uncle Coconut in that he heard all the shrieking that them followed as we hugged our little boy and congratulated him on being to clever.

We flew over to the Florida Keys on Marcus’s 1st Birthday as it happens (We’d celebrated it the day before with his grandparents, friends, a nice cake and too many presents!). Marcus was very good on the flight, apart from when he crawled down into 1st Class, and his Daddy videoed him doing that before he retrieved him, which did not amuse the air stewardess too much, who was quite literally stewing! Ha ha!).

I had become pretty immobile and rundown by then, so it was a relief to have Steve around and to have less to do apart from sunbathing and swimming. The year since our Spring visit to the Florida Keys for the month of April had been a real roller-coaster of survival.

Marcus and his Mummy (and Tigger!) in the Florida Keys in our holiday home

Thanks to the MSRC’s New Pathways magazine, I’d managed to buy a brilliant device to help with the foot-drop in my left leg, which was causing me difficulties in walking at all, as my left ankle just wouldn’t lift! The device is called a MuSmate (for further information Click Here) and was invented by the husband of a lady, who has MS. It is quite a simple contraption, though very cleverly designed. It is worn around you shoulders, and straps to one or both legs with velcro (you can buy a single or a double MuSmate). You look like a bungee jumper with it on, but it just helps to lift that foot or feet up, so stopping them dragging and enabling you to walk.

It is brilliant, and of course the more you use the muscles, the more you improve. It proved to be a life-saver on the aeroplane as it enabled me to walk the short distance to the toilet, which made life a lot easier (OK, you can manage with pads and nappies and such like, but I prefer not to have to. I only wear them as a back-up!).

After being in the Florida Keys, and swimming daily for 8 weeks (October 22nd to December 12th, 2006) Steve and I went on a trip to South America for 2 and a half weeks. We flew Marcus’s favourite babysitter out to the Florida Keys for the month to look-after Marcus, so he was very happy and well looked after while we were away (though that did not stop me worrying or missing him. What is it about Motherhood that turns you so irrational? I felt like we were away from Marcus for an eternity!).

Marcus swimming with his friend Sammy in the Florida Keys

The trip has been planned thanks to my brother, Matthew's (Uncle Coconut’s) organisational skills, through the internet (Steve had been far too busy with Marcus, me and running the business to get around to it, and I’d been far to busy just trying to survive!). I’m not sure that I really believed that I would be well enough to go on this trip but as per usual, I said yes and took the chance, as not many people get the opportunity to travel to Angel Falls (in Venezuela), the Galapagos Islands (in Ecuador) and Easter Island (off the coast of Chile) so I’d have been a fool not to!

However when we received news that Marcus’s No.1 babysitter, Tigga, was in hospital with meningitis just two weeks before she was due to fly out to Florida, the trip prospects didn’t look too good. However, thankfully the meningitis was bacterial and was caught early enough (treated immediately with anti-biotics) so Tigga bounced back really quickly and was fit and ready for a month in the sunshine by Saturday the 10th of December, the day she arrived at Miami.

We drove up from the Keys to Miami to meet her at the airport, and visited the Everglades on the way. However, at Miami airport, there was no sign of Tigga in arrivals, nor at the spot we’d arranged to meet her as a back-up plan. This was very stressful, especially when a lady who worked for American Airlines, whispered to me that Tigga had not even been on the international flight from Manchester, and then disappeared!!! Steve then came into the airport and made a few quick enquiries, and found out that she had been on the flight after all, but was just on a later flight from Boston, having missed the connecting flight (which made a lot more sense!). Anyway, she turned up and I was so relieved to see her!!!

Marcus was very pleased as well, as he was getting rather fed-up of circling around the area of Miami airport in the car with his Daddy. He was in mid-scream when she got into the car, and he recognised her immediately and the scream turned into a smile followed by much laughter as she greeted him with a tickle!

Marcus with Tigga, his No. 1. Babysitter

The next day we had to introduce Tigga to various people and settle her in very quickly, because in the evening we had to drive back up to a hotel in Miami as we were taking an early flight out to Caracus in Venezuala! It was a bit hectic and for me traumatic leaving Marcus. Although I knew rationally he was in good care and would be well looked after, I still couldn’t face the mere thought of leaving him.

Marcuswearing all the beads he collected at Fantasy Fest, Key West.

He was blissfully unaware of course, and he came to the door and waved us off quite happily. As Steve (Mr Rational) said, Marcus was only interested in where his next bit of entertainment and meal were coming from, and he was going to get plenty of attention and care, especially as Tigga’s boyfriend, Matt was flying out later that week for 10 days over Xmas!).

So they all had a great time, and once away on this trip, I was far too busy doing it and surviving it (with 17 flights in 2 and a half weeks, and many early-morning starts, ahhhhhhhh, it was intense!) to overly worry about Marcus (though I still did and I missed him like mad, but I still only called 3 times over the 2 and a half weeks which I think is pretty good for a mother of a 1 year old!). I just felt grateful to be on the trip at all (with my trusty MuSmate to make getting to the toilet on all the flights possible!) and surviving it was enough on it’s own to be honest. I could never have handled having Marcus along with us as well!

At Angel Fall, I got the surprise of my life as Steve asked me to marry him! After 8 years together, a successful mobility scooter business a baby and MS, I had thought he just wasn’t the marrying type and accepted that. However it turns out that he had been planning to propose to “his angel” at Angel Falls for a few years, but the whole trip just didn’t happen when Marcus came a long. He still kept up his training in the Gym, so he could manage to carry me all the way up to the Falls!

It the event, however, he discovered that this would have been too difficult and dangerous even for a team of men, as it was too far, too steep, too rocky and therefore too dangerous. So after the 6 hour canoe ride (the canoe held about 12 people) to get to the bottom of the climb up to the Falls, (we had a 4.30 am start that morning!), I rested below in a lovely hammock in the jumgle, and Steve set off to make the 3 hour climb up to the Falls, which he did it just 1 and a half hours leaving the rest of the party miles behind! All that training paid off!). I saw the Falls from afar when we pulled up in the boat down below, and I also saw then from an aeroplane on a flight we took the next day so I didn’t miss out at all but I had no idea what Steve was planning!

Despite his disappointment that he could not actually carry me up to the Falls, Steve did the next best thing and videoed his marriage proposal to me, before he then went to swim in the pool at the bottom of Angel Falls and enjoy it’s spray! We were lucky as there was quite a lot of water coming off the Falls at the time we were there. Sometimes there is hardly any! It is famous for being the tallest waterfall in he world, being a mile high!

Steve videoing his marriage proposal to me at the foot of Angel Falls.

I had no idea what Steve had done until we got back to camp that evening and he played me the video back. I was shocked, stunned, gob-smacked and speechless at seeing the Falls up close and hearing Steve’s romantic proposal, but I did manage to say ‘Yes!’ and it was hard to keep a smile off my face for the rest of the trip.

Steve proposing again, this time in person, at the lake down on one knee.

And it was some trip! We went on 17 flights in 2 weeks and 4 days. The schedule was mad, it nearly killed at times, but we got to Galapagos Islands, and Easter Island off the coast of Chile. We saw the huge Moi’s, the stone figureheads, located all around the Easter island and for me to get to Galapagos islands was a major achievement.

At Quito, before we went on the Galapagos trip, we even visited the Equator and stood on the actual line! They showed us a demonstration as well of how water swirls down a sink clockwise and anticlockwise on each side of the Equator, so no, that’s not a myth!

For Galapagos we chose a small cruise trip, The Seaman, so it wasn’t very disabled-friendly, but I managed, and te advantages were well worth it. Whilst a big cruise-liners would have made it difficult to get on and off with all the stairs and health a safety regulations for taking a disavled person onto the islands, our cruise boys made it easy. They just bunged me onto a dingy, bunged the wheelchair on the dingy and then there I was on ths Galapagos islands seeing EVERYTHING…

Seals, huge iguanas, penguins, a huge variety of birds and wildlife, and when we went snorkelling we saw fish, turtles, and allsorts, Steve even saw a shark!

On the main island we got too see the huge +200 year old tortoises up close in both a park and the wild.

Steve even kissed one called Ranger, and it is said there was another marriage proposal, but that this one was turned down on the grounds of bad breath and scaly skin, but Steve is now working on these issues, hahaha!

Steve kisses Ranger

Angel Falls was stunning and being proposed to there was the icing on the cake for me. Galapagos was spectacular and mind-blowing.

Easter Island was a part of the trip that was really too much for me with the flights to get there and intense schedule. Both Steve and I ended up pretty ill in Santiago on the way to Easter Island and on the way back and I found it too long a time to be away from Marcus, but looking back I am glad I went. How many people can say they spend Xmas Day on Easter Island? I used a wheelchair to visit the island, and it was very bumpy (and quite hard-work for Matthew and Steve as well!) but I DID IT!

The best sight of the whole holiday, sad though this may sound, was for me seeing our Marcus again, who was in the baby pool with his Tigga, when we got back. Marcus just stared at his Dad, when we arrived, and stared and stared, then he started to cry as his Dad stepped away to let me in the pool area on my scooter. If was as if he suddenly realised, hang on, where have you been, I knew there was something missing….and then panicked at the thought of his Daddy going again. After just 2 hours of cuddles and playing and not letting his Daddy out of his sight, life went back to normal for our boy and he was just fine again!

Our happy boy back with his Daddy.

We then spent a happy new year in the Keys, introduced Tigga to the delights of Key Lime pie! She also swam with dolphins, a dream of hers since she was a very young girl.

Tigga swimming with dolphins, father, AJ (who checked out her bum!), and son Tanner.

All too soon (one week later) we flew back to cold ol’ England. After two and a half months of sunshine, it was quite difficult to adjust too the winter but almost immediately we caught awful colds, and this year has been tough of me, as we seem to have non-stop bugs and colds all year. This is no fun for anyone, but for me it is particularly disastrous a it trigger my ms as well, and makes me rundown, weak, immobile, shaky and ill. I think it is just the number of people Marcus and I now come in contact with through going to the baby groups, that is the problem, but I’m not yet prepared to give up getting out and about with my boy because of this.

I must admit, Steve and I pick-up and suffer the colds far worse than Marcus. So I can’t even say for sure it is entirely down to him. There has been a lot going about but I am hopeful that with the Spring, will come a break from all these colds.

Since we returned from the Florida Keys on January 6th 2007, we have been enjoying Marcus’s day-to-day developments. The bugs and colds have been tough, but as we approach the Spring, I am hopeful that better weather will bring with it better health.

Tigga, who did not make it to University last September is still living at Steve’s flat and is worth her weight in gold, as things did not work out between Terri and ourselves, so Tigga now has Marcus on both her days off (so Tuesday 10 am till about Wednesday 6 pm, is my time for work, exercise, therapies and often just recovery, and I need that too. Marcus then goes to his Grandma’s (my Mum’s) for most of the day on Thursday and we often go up to my parents house on Sunday’s as well. Marcus cannot contain his delight whenever he sees his Grandma. She is the favourite person in his Universe (though his Daddy is of course the back bone!). I think it is partly because of his musical interests (watching her play the violin, and also playing the piano up at their house), but also his love of nature. They go ut into the countryside together, to the stream, the Brook and the Parks, and Marcus loves it. He always comes back completely shattered!!!

Marcus wearing a hat we bought in Quito, Ecuador.

As toddlers go Marcus is very close to perfect (if he was actually perfect I would be very worried as toddlers are not supposed to be perfect!!!). He is a very happy little boy, very bright, and always laughing, especially with his Dad, who he totally gets (they are as thick as thieves!). He is very good-natured and a little charmer, so much so that when you are with him, it is like being a celebrity, as Marcus becomes the centre of attention wherever he goes. I get on the tram with him on my lap and by the time we get off he has made at least one new friend and been adopted by a grandma-type lady! (people are always so lovely and willing to help, especially as it is a unusual sight to see him on my lap on the scooter. I make sure I hold him tight, drive very carefully, and keep distances to a minimum!). We often go to parent and toddler groups, which Marcus thoroughly enjoys and also Upperthorpe Healthy Living Centre/ Library, where he loves toddling about and seeing people he knows,and going to the pool, the sports-hall, the Gym and the cafe. His latest favourite activity there is to call the lift, which he can almost reach, and we go in it together and go up to the next floor in it. He loves it when it judders. Everything is new and exciting and wondrous to Marcus and it is a real joy to see his joy in everything he sees and experiences!

Recently I have become brave enough to take the tram to town with him (only a few stops) and I do a bit of simple shopping and then take him to the peace gardens, where there is a wonderful fountain, and then to see the big shiny balls and onto the Winter Gardens, all of which he loves.

Marcus at the peace gardens in Sheffield town centre.

Sometimes we then go onto a Baby Group held in a church off Chapel Walk called Jelly Babies. The reason I say I am brave enough is because of my bladder urgency, which takes some managing with a toddler on your lap, but I wear pads and padded pants and only rarely do I get caught out. The padded pants are so not cool but necessary to avoid embarrassment. I can’t just get up and use my Pipinette pot discreetly with a toddler on my lap, and likely to run off if I stand him down, and the last thing I want it an accident especially as Marcus gets older and becomes more aware.

My Dad’s health has not been as good of late. Having the throat operation last summer really aged him. It was a big thing to go through at the age of 78 and it has caused him a lot of shoulder- and muscular pain. He is also a bit forgetful now and can get a bit confused, and it January he had a fall (we think he stumbled) and cut his head, but he is doing very well considering, and I am very grateful that the operation took out all the cancer. I love my parents so much and value the time we have together, especially now with Marcus too.

My brother Matthew came back from his exciting six months travelling the world, after working on a placement at a hostel for young girls, in Mongolia, and he has been living back with my parents and working once again as a careers advisor in Leeds, commuting there everyday. He is a great support to my parents and a great Uncle Coconut to Marcus.

My Grandad, Marcus’s Great-Grandad, is still going strong and managing to live and care for himself alone down in Somerset, even though he is now 96 years old. My Mum and her brother, Uncle David, go down and stay as often as they can, for a few days at a time, to give support, company and lifts to places, as Sidney has at long-last given up driving (thank goodness) after an incident in a car-park where he hit a few cars! To help him decide whether a mobility scooter would help him, I lent him my 8 mph scooter, and it has enabled him to get out and about again, which was my aim, and he did end up buying it off me for a very good price (it was a bargain!). He didn’t have to pay anything but it was important to him that he actually owned it and it seems to be helping him (he can take the scooter out somewhere and then park it up, go for a short walk, and then come back to it, so I am pleased. It means he can stay active and the world is more accessible to him again. It was a bit of a disappointment to him at first, but only because it wasn’t a car and could never do the job of a car, but now it is proving it’s worth. As my Grandad is rather hard of hearing as well as in his 90’s, he lives a quiet life, quite detached from the world but he does ok!

As I write this latest blog I have come down with yet another cold. They make me weak, shaky and make life very hard indeed. I am very grateful for having such a good fella, such a good family and such good babysitters for Marcus, because there are times when I can barely look after myself, let alone him.

This Easter Sunday we went to my Dad’s church for an Easter breakfast and short-kiddies service. During the service Marcus had a fabulous time toddling around at the front, picking up daffodils and handing them to people. He then joined the pianist playing the piano!!! It was so sweet and so funny! We then went up to my parents house and Steve cooked us a delicious meal of salmon (lemon, garlic and ginger), basmati rice, potatoes and roast vegetables. Though I felt wiped out with this cold I had a lovely time.

Marcus sat at the piano at his Grandma and Grandad's house

I have recently been seeing a Chiropractor but don’t seem to have benefited a great deal from the kineseology and cranial therapy. However, I ill continue to seek therapies to help me. I saw another Chiropractor in the Florida Keys and he found that my spine does not curved back enough at the top, so my head rests too far forward putting my nervous system under stress. It is a common condition (Click Here for further information), but once corrected might help me further stabilise ms, so I use a neck collar twice daily (early morning and at night before bed) for 20 minutes, and a head weight belt for 10 minutes two or three times a day. Whether all this will benefit me at all remains to be seem, but I figure it is better off corrected than not. I leave no stone unturned in my journey back to health, remembering that the only failure is not doing your best. Right now boosting my immune system with zinc, vitamin C, GFSE and raw garlic are my priority because my low immunity is the main problem in the bigger picture. I’d prefer to fix this than live my life in fear of coming down with colds, though it might not do any harm to go easy on the baby groups for a little while! So I journey on with courage, onwards and upwards!

The last 11 months have been such a roller-coaster and at times I have wondered if I was going to survive but I am doing OK considering. I could be better but also could be so much worse. I managed to walk with my walker to the first lamp-post around the corner today, something that had become impossible in the last few weeks, as my left ankle refuses to lift. I do a lot of gentle exercising and mobilising it at the minute, which helps, but it is a relief to walk just that short distance today, as I believe in the philosophy “Use it or Loose it”. However, I became so weak and rundown that the slightest thing exhausted me and I had to conserve my energy and use what I had, to look after Marcus. I has not realised just how much energy I expend looking after him, so in the last month swimming or going to the Gym have not been on the cards, a fact I don’t feel good about.

But I am counting my blessings, of which there are many! A couple of weeks a go I had a set-back with MS, triggered by goodness knows what. I lay down for a rest one afternoon and could not get up again. I could not stand or transfer or do anything independently and it scared the hell out of me, no doubt triggering anxiety, which made it all worse. Anyway, I went to bed, took two paracetamol, rested, played with Marcus on the bed, played my affirmations tape, calmed down, and THANKFULLY was able to transfer to the commode as usual that night. The following morning, I could get around as usual (without help), which means the world to me, and I celebrated by making cups of green tea all day long, SIMPLY BECAUSE I COULD! I am addicted to drinking tea, and it is important to me to drink enough liquid to keep UTI’sa at bay, especially at this time of year (the autumn), so I happy overjoyed to be able to do this and cope with the consequences of this (frequent visits to the loo!).

I think this event was triggered by a bug still haunting us from Marcus’s stint at nursery. I had an event a few months earlier triggered by a very nasty bug Marcus brought into the house from nursery, and again I could not get out of bed, but I also could not stop being sick so I knew what was causing that event and did not panic as much. A jab from the doctor stopped me vomiting and thankfully I did recover my ability to transfer etc. again, so that crisis passed.

Thank God for Grandparents and Uncle Coconut (my brother) is all I can say as they had Marcus for two nights and we needed the back-up because Steve has come down with that same nasty bug 24 hours earlier and he too had been unable to get out of bed, which shows how bad that one was, because he is a strong, fit man! Luckily, I was ok to look after Steve and then when I got sick he was ok to look after me (and run the business) but we could not have coped with Marcus at that time as well!

Anyway, the end result after two months of Marcus streaming with cold after cold and having diarrhoea from bug after bug from nursery is that we pulled him out of there. It was a shame because he did love it and was very well looked after, but we could not take any more!!! It wasn’t much fun for Marcus either.

They do say that it is good for a baby to build up an immune system early, but when you put 7 babies in a room together, and they are all building up immune systems, it is a real breeding ground for germs, and a recipe for disaster for me anyway. The doctor told me that after 12 months it would settle down, but I still think that it you come across nasty bugs and viruses, you will generally get them, as proven by Steve who is fit and healthy and was still knocked for six by one, so we have decided to cross this bridge later (not now and later).

Those two months proved that Marcus’s immune system is working very well the way his eyes and nose were streaming with cold and mucous and nothing went onto his chest. In fact he handled the whole deal a lot better than us, but it did cause disruption of his sleep at night as well, which added to the load Steve was managing.

Steve has been unbelievable in how he managed to run the business, which has been very busy and put him under extreme pressure, whilst caring for Marcus at night and coping with me needing help as well. Sometimes the pressure has been too much and we have had some explosive rows but he is still here and loves his boy and seems to still love me, so he is one in a million.

I am trying to learn how to simply ask Steve for help and be very specific, rather than moaning and not handling things (a woman’s way of asking for help, as women understand this and naturally act upon it- but men don’t they just react to it!) which simply winds him up. I feel bad about needing help but going on about it does not change the fact that I need it, so I am learning to be clearer and more direct about things (honest!).

So we had to find an alternative to nursery, so that I had the support to manage the childcare! We looked at getting an au pair but you can only get one from age 2 upwards, so we then thought about whom we could hire, and offered the job to Marcus’s favourite babysitter, Tigga. Although Tigga works full-time, she was very keen to look after Marcus in her spare time as well! This has worked out very well, especially as Tigga has girlfriends who adore Marcus as well. Now Tigga is doing a lot of overtime, her friend Terri often has Marcus as well in her day off, and occasionally Marcus is looked after my Roe and Keeley as well. He thinks they are all wonderful! He even went on a day trip to Bridlington with Tigga one day on a coach with a load of other Mum’s and babies, as it was organised by Surestart!

Tigga and Terri needed to find a new place to stay as well, so they have moved into Steve’s flat, and exchange babysitting for rent, a deal which works well for all of us! It is ideal because Tigga is coming out to the Florida Keys to babysit Marcus in the Keys for a couple of weeks while we go off to South America on our travels once again (he is too little to take with us what with the vaccinations needed!) so he will know her very well by then and be a very happy chappy with her. It will hard to leave him and go away but I know he will be in good hands and have a wonderful time with Tigga. They may even get to Disney over Xmas!

Marcus is not content with having 4 girlfriends to love him! Including the local girls, Kirsty, Halish, Michaelea, andStacy, Marcus has 9 girlfriends/big sisters, as many as Steve has Classic American cars (as he has just bought two more!).

I am continuing to follow my diet, take vitamins and detox as well as everything else. I am taking Parragone again which contains wormwood and should help eliminate candida and parasites. No doubt this is all taking it out of me as well but I am sure my efforts, self-discipline and determination will pay-off in the longer-term. I want to start swimming again and using the Aquagym, but carefully as my energy levels are low and used up caring for Marcus anyway. When we get to the Florida Keys in a months time, I will get back to daily swimming and soak up lots of lovely sunshine which helps protect me against ms as well thanks to the vitamin D3 you get from sunlight so this will help.

This July got so hot a humid it was a bit of a nightmare for me, but this month, September has been glorious. I’ve enjoyed the lovely sunshine but without getting too hot as there has been a lovely breeze! I really do enjoy and value my time with Marcus, especially in the back garden up at my parents house, as he is such fun to be with, and so smiley and responsive!

I’ve made some great purchases on e-bay, real bargains! The best one has been his rollator, which he sits in and pushes him about the house in. It saves me so much energy as he rarely climbs out of it (though he can and will begin to soon) and yet is relatively safe and independent. It enables him to walk really, but pretty safely! I even took him out in it the other day and we went for a walk along a footpath after a couple of dogs and had a lovely adventure together, with him rolling along and me on my scooter. It was hilarious to see him go! He was determined to catch up with the dogs but they were equally determined for him not so catch him! I pulled him up any small hills and held him back going down slopes. A nice lady carried him across the road and we ended up in the local library meeting lots of people, many of whom know us, exploring and doing lots of new things! He must have walked at least a quarter of a mile that day!

11 months is a lovely age and the way Marcus is with his Dad is very special. They are a right pair and Marcus thinks his Dad is hilarious already! We are enjoying the magic and surviving the rest, especially when the little munchkin is tired but really doesn’t want to go to bed even at 11 o’clock at night! We usually let him stay up as long as he is good, because it suits us to let him sleep in a get up at 9.30 or 10.00 in the morning.

He was a bit slow in his weaning onto solid foods because he wanted his milk still and though I’d give him baby food with anything with any lumps in it he’d usually cough and then barf everything up again. But in the last few weeks he has suddenly got the hang of chewing and enjoys eating allsorts. It gets very messy but is great fun, and he has far less milk now as a result. He has also started to sleep through the night now that he has a tummy so much fuller. He likes brown bread and jam, which he often has for his tea but that does get very messy. Another favourite of his is eating a juicy peeled pear, and he also loves pineapple juice!

I don’t think it will be too long before Marcus walks, a prospect that is daunting, but I am trying not to worry about it (I have enough on surviving the present to be honest!). I am just trusting, that if he does start walking in the Florida Keys, which he probably will at the rate he is going, we will cope!

Hopefully Marcus will find as many girlfriends or aunties in the Keys as he has over here! I am just thrilled that Marcus is so healthy, happy and doing so well. It has been very tough this year, and it has taken it out of me and has tested my and Steve’s relationship to it’s limits, but thankfully Steve is a very loyal and strong man so he is still here, still seems to love me, and is totally smitten with his boy!

MS and my lack of health have made me feel like a problem a lot of the time, because I am difficult to be around when I am exhausted and ill and I am forever calling him when he is very busy which turns me into a person who seems to be forever bugging him.

My health can be a nightmare and as it is my nightmare, sometimes I don’t feel good about having to share this reality with Steve and Marcus. I simply don’t want to feel like a hindrance or a problem and often I do, but I have to remember that this is not my fault and having Marcus was a very courageous thing to do so they are both very involved in the ‘nightmare’ side of my life.

On the whole though when the dust settles we just simply count our blessings, because we are in a good position financially and Marcus so far has turned out to be everything we could have hoped for and more!

Apart from climbing, Marcus seems very musical. He loves listening to his Grandma playing the violin! He listens agog and has seems to have a special relationship with her, as he is forever grinning, laughing, climbing up on her for a cuddle. He also loves his Baby Einstein, and David Attenborough DVD’s and his favourite music video is Taylor Hicks, winner of this year’s American idol. I have dedicated one of the songs Taylor sang, to him. It is ’You are so beautiful to me….you are so beautiful to me…you’re everything I hoped for…you’re everything I need…You are so beautiful to me!’ as this sums up how we feel about our boy most of the time. It is also a song that Steve has been singing for years and it is mesmerises Marcus!

Marcus’s Grandad, my Dad, has had quite major surgery on his face/neck to remove a skin cancer. The doctors must have been quite worried to go in so extensively (the cut goes from the cheek all down his neck) but it seems that they did not find anything more sinister when they went in, so I that is the good news. Still to go through such a surgery at the age of 78 has been quite an ordeal for him. He has had a couple of skin grafts on his face as well. He can’t sleep well due to pain and his shoulder is giving him gip, but all things considered he is coming through this ok. It will just take some time to recover. He needs to rest but my Dad is realty not very good at this. Like me he is an impatient and bad patient. He likes to be busy and active and finds it hard to slow down!

My brother has packed in his job in Luton as a careers advisor as it was time to move onto something new. He then came back to Sheffield, coincidentally that was during the world cup so he got to watch all the matches…hummmmm funny that. It was good timing though as I really appreciated having him around for a couple of months helping me with Marcus. He also did some delivery work for Steve, which was helpful as Steve’s No.1 scooterman Paul, was off having a kidney removed, one which was damaged during a car crash the week after Marcus was born, caused by a drunk driver! So between scooter work, babysitting, organising our autumn South America trip, organising visas for his own extensive travel plans for the year and watching footie he was kept pretty busy!

Then in July he went off to Mongolia, travelled around the country for two weeks and then started a voluntary work placement, working and teaching at a drop-in centre for young girls. He will work there for a few more weeks then he is off on his travels to China and will meet up with us in South America in December!

Now that the scooter business is calming down and Paul is taking over the running of it again, and we have the girls helping to look after Marcus, I can look after myself a bit more and we can start enjoying a bit more family time together. Trying to explain the fatigue to Steve and the shimmery and blurry vision that comes with it, a sign telling me that I must rest, is very difficult. How does one explain to a person who doesn't suffer fatigue that one is completley wiped out, sometimes having done next to nothing?.

This summer we did manage to get down to Somerset so that Marcus got to meet his 95 year old Great-Grandad, which was lovely, and while we were down there we visited Longleat and Cheddar Gorge which was fun!

The other events this year were the surprise 50th Birthday party I organised for Steve (which took some doing!). I booked the function room in the pub just across the road and organised a buffet and our nephew Stephen Singleton (who was in the 80’s band ABC) offered to do the DJ’ing. Anyway, everything was going to plan and then just at 8 pm the time I had organised to get Steve across to the pub (saying the Do was a friend’s wedding reception), the heavens opened and it poured down! It was like a tropical storm and there was so way I could have persuaded Steve to go out in it, never made take baby Marcus as well. So in the end I had to tell him. I thought he knew anyway as there were so many clues, strange letters, and phone-calls, even his lodger Iman turning up at the house with a B’day card and present, but he hadn’t suspected a thing.

So our friend, Roger, pushed me over the river that had been a road minutes earlier, and Steve took Marcus and an umbrella and we made it across to the pub as quickly as we could. Thankfully I had organised for the guests to arrive at 7 pm, before the rains had started, and about 40 people had turned up. They could see up coming over the road in the mad storm and when Steve entered the room he was greeted by a round of applause. I then entered to room in Roger’s arms, having been carried up the stairs, and we had a great evening. Marcus in spite of a cold, rose to the occasion (as he always does!) and everyone got to meet him and hold him. I was so relieved that we had made it over there without being struck by lightening!

The other part of Steve’s Birthday was the present I gave him: a 20 minute flying lesson in a Tiger Moth airplane (built in 1941- the year my Mum was born- so 65 years old!). Dues to popularity and the weather, the flight did not take place until September the 4th, but STEVE DID IT! He said it made him fill his pants and was the 3rd scariest think he had ever done (2nd being piloting Stan’s boat, and 1st being scuna-diving) but he flew the plane for a bit and though not for long he flew it well, and enjoyed the rest of the flight, particularly the landing!

Last weekend we got to Thorsby market as well (Nr. Worksop) and we plan to go to Skegness as soon as we get a nice day.

So though difficult, sometimes beyond belief, it has been an eventful and exciting year and I continue to take a day and a time and count my blessings!

Sylvie Brown

I had numerous surgeries to try to resolve but in the end the right womb and fallopian tube had to be removed. I was left pain-free at last- thank God-, but with only half a womb, and the belief that it would be very risky for me to have children.

Then MS came along at the age of 21 and I decided that Motherhood was not my destiny. It did take years for me to be ok with this. When I got together with Steve, the mobility scooter man some 7 years a go, his love was unconditional. The last thing he expected of me was to produce babies so at last I felt free of this obligation. I still felt a bit guilty, but at least now it was ms’s fault and not my malformed womb!

To be honest, I was just grateful to have managed to stabilise my progressive and nasty form of ms, through dietary changes, nutrition, exercise, a positive attitude and luck, fate, the grace of God or whatever you would call it!

Steve and I were happy together. We enjoyed long, winter holidays in the Florida Keys, which no doubt helped protect me from ms, with all the vitamin D from the sunshine. We travelled to Disney-world, the Grande Canyon and then even to South America…with my trusty mobility scooter! We went into business together selling mobility scooters on the internet and the business took off so I had to become self-employed. We bought a house together, and though Steve didn’t actually move in, he was over a lot, especially at the weekends! MS was still a day-to-day challenge but we were pretty happy. Neither of us felt that there was anything missing from our lives.

And then it happened. I missed a period, but as I was irregular anyway and detoxing I thought nothing of it! Weeks later though I started feeling really tired, weird and anxious. It was like permanent PMS! I began to feel suspicious. Then one day I had a strong craving bacon, beans, sausages and chips, which is not like at all as it is a far-cry from my usual ms diet! I did not really need to do a pregnancy test, but I did one anyway and it was positive! I was horrified!

A scan the following weeks revealed that I was 8 weeks pregnant! The baby was already 1cm, and there was a strong heartbeat! Although I was terrified I knew I had to go ahead with the pregnancy and leave the outcome to fate. No one knew whether my half-womb would carry the baby long enough to survive. The baby might be premature, anything could happen. The consultant told me that if I got to 32 weeks, the baby would be fine and they would monitor me closely.

All I knew was that there was a new life inside me, a part of myself and Steve, and that that life deserved a chance. The bottom-line for me was that we did have the financial resources to do this and Steve is an amazing man who would make a fantastic Dad. But even so I just had to trust all would be well and that we would cope emotionally somehow whatever happened.

Scan at 11.5 weeks

Nobody can really know the courage it took to go through with the pregnancy with my half-sized womb and MS (limited mobility, bladder urgency, limited energy). Many a day I often wondered if I was being courageous or just foolish. Would the baby make it? Would the baby be ok? Would my relationship with Steve survive? I went to every scan with trepidation, only to be told that the pregnancy was progressing fine, just like Steve said it would. He just seemed to know that it would be a boy and it would be OK!

Throughout the pregnancy I had been a bit better with ms. MS often goes into remission during pregnancy! At 32 weeks, I heaved a huge sigh of relief. Towards the end of my pregnancy my bladder went from bad (which it always is) to appalling but the baby was pressing on it and kicking it like a football so I was prepared for this and just coped with it.

At 35.5 weeks I was booked in for a caesarean section, as the baby was breech. I came back from the hospital feeling shocked. I knew from all the scans what was happening but I still did not really believe it. That is why I didn’t buy any baby things until our baby had arrived safe and well. I did not want to tempt fate.

At 36 weeks, baby Marcus decided he’d run out of room and it was time to arrive. Thankfully earlier that day Steve, coincidentally, had bought two tiny baby-grows and thank God he did because at 5.32 pm on October 22nd, Marcus was born by caesarean section. He was a good 5lbs 11Oz, and did not need any special care!

Most people say that the day they have a baby was one of the best days of their lives. I describe it as the day hurricane Marcus, which I knew way on its way, hit. Having a caesarean was the most surreal experience of my life and actually pretty traumatic. I felt shaky and sick while they pulled a tiny new person out of my stomach but was reassured that was all quite normal. It was all a bit of a blur really!

I spent a full week in hospital. I had my own room with nurses on tap, but got precious little sleep, as I was determinedly breast-feeding and Marcus knew it was best to stimulate breast-milk at night, It was really tough but I had no choice but to get on with it. Marcus was healthy thank God and I had created him and had to deal with the consequences!

One morning, 4 days after he was born, I was in floods of tears, thinking what the hell have I done! Marcus sleeping like a cherub beside me, blissfully unaware of the night of hell he had just put me through but I was almost hallucinating from sleep deprivation and had the baby blues. A clinical psychologist chatted to me and assessed was that the main problem was that I was outside my comfort-zones in the way I managed my ms (rest, sleep, avoidance of stress, diet etc.). This was very true!

I had a tiny person to care for now and could not care for myself as well so who was going to care for me? When Marcus did sleep I was still being woken by my bladder, or kept awake by troublesome leg spasms? How was life going to go on?

I came home and Steve and I just got on with the job we had to do. We did shifts at night, which worked well! At least that way we each got some decent kip at night. Six or 7 hours felt like luxury to me, even though I really need more!

In the first couple of months after Marcus was born Steve and I had a few explosive rows, mostly because I was not coping and he felt I was criticising him. Steve was under an enormous amount of pressure running the mobility scooter business, caring for Marcus, being a house-husband, caring for me as well, and sometimes the pressure took its toll.

Often I just went into the bedroom and howled because of reality of what I had done to my life. It was mad. I felt as though I’d been catapulted into as alternate universe and it wasn’t a nice one at that! I felt as though my pain didn’t matter anymore. Marcus’s needs had to come first as he was a newborn but I was the one really suffering. Yes, Marcus had care needs and was biologically programmed to scream to get these needs met, but there were no tears. I was the one who was really distressed.

Often I wondered if our relationship was going to survive. I felt as though Steve hated me and felt so alone (he doesn’t and I’m not, but remember at the time my hormones were all over the place as well). Sometimes Steve was very loving and came into the bedroom and hugged me. Like myself he was just doing his best with one hell of a lot on his plate. There were no easy answers. You just have to muddle through.

On top of everything else, I faxed the local press my story and the world went a bit mad. We ended up on the local news, local papers, and the story even made national press. It was mad but great fun as well. A moment of fame and glory!

If you have a chronic illness like MS, you cannot push and push yourself for too long, and after two months of this life, I became very run-down and my ms got worse. I was ill, immobile and my legs kept shooting out in front of me in spasm, making it very difficult to transfer and a struggle at times just to get out of bed.

I was very scared. I had worked so hard to reclaim some mobility and my independence and now my whole life, as I knew it, was under threat! I was verging needing a higher level of care and I was not going to give into this lightly.

It is so typical to relapse after having a baby, I was annoyed that I’d ended up following this trend but looking back, I actually think it is remarkable that I managed to do so much. I’ll never know whether it was the drop in pregnancy hormones, or the stress and exhaustion that triggered my ms to worsen, but I suspect it was the latter!

Anyway, at this time Marcus stopped taking both breast and bottle, so I stopped doing nights altogether. I slept and slept like there was no tomorrow. I must have needed it. I saw my nutrition consultant and we made plans to get out to the Florida Keys in April, when Marcus was 5 months old.

Life went on and I started to recover, and actually enjoy being a Mum. As a day job I could handle it! I had managed 2 months of breast-feeding, which no one else could have done for me, and that was done now. Stopping then was the right decision for us as Marcus was thriving, but he only had one Mum so it was vital that I looked after myself.

If I had to do it all again, I think I would push myself less and look after myself more. I’m not even sure that breast-feeding was the best thing for us, but I hope that it benefited my baby boy. Marcus seems just fine on cows-milk formula now anyway so it is hard to assess. We did try him on goats-milk formula for a while too as it is easier to digest and closer to breast milk but really he has been fine on either.

At around 2 months Marcus started to smile and express his lovely little personality. We were both helplessly smitten with our beautiful, bright, healthy, fun little boy! As he grows he looks more and more like his Dad, and seems to take after him too in that he finds life very humorous, and yet has a good temper on him when he wants something like his milk! When I think of how premature he could have been I really do count my blessings!

We did get to the Florida Keys when marcus was 5 months old and he loved it there. He loves being out and about, having lots of people to smile at and he loves swimming too. The sunshine and swimming did me a lot of good as well!

Steve had his friend Paul running the business while we were away but had to take over the business again in the last month. As a result the job of caring for Marcus fell back onto my shoulders again, but the game has changed! He is getting too heavy for me to lift now, is demanding more and more attention and sleeping a lot less during the day (but better at night). He can roll about and is verging on crawling. The job had become too much for me. I have ended up exhausted and worse in my legs again. So I have made the decision to put Marcus is nursery part-time. We found a great nursery close-by and it all just feels right.

Marcus thinks it is baby-heaven there so it is proving good for both of us. I need that time to work, rest and go swimming etc. so as to look after myself. My only concern is that he may pick up colds and bugs from the other babies at nursery (he’s already has one after just a couple of days there) and pass them onto me, but this is one of the hazards of having children when you have ms. He needs to build up an immune system. Protecting him from colds etc. won’t do him any favours in the long-run so I will just have to try to ward them off or failing that just handle it!

There are so many joys in having a baby. He is so precious to us and he is a good baby as babies go so we are very lucky and blessed. He is a real charmer, especially with the ladies. We have so many laughs and precious moments with him and it is wonderful the way he has bonded so well with his Dad!

But there is a lot that is very tough and pretty horrible in having a baby too, and with ms it is at least 10 x harder. Any parent will tell you, you love your baby but you don’t always like him or her! The extremes of emotion you feel about your precious little bundle have to be experienced to be understood! You feel such love and just want to protect them but you have limits and cannot always cope. Part of you just craves your old life back. There are many times that I have wished Marcus had not come along, but I don’t regret his existence if that makes sense! We could no have wished for a cuter and lovelier-natured baby boy.

However, I don’t like the way having a baby has upset the balance of my relationship with Steve. Before we were equals but now he has to compensate greatly for my health limitations so he is the always the hero and I am the one who is forever expressing appreciation and gratitude. I am lucky, however, that he is strong and fit enough to do so much. I just don’t like adding to the things he has to do because either I need help myself, or I need help with Marcus, but that is just the way it is.

He just gets on with it and thinks his baby boy is pretty perfect so I suppose that is all that really matters! I do find it ironic that perhaps the only condition for Steve’s love for me, was in fact not having children, simply because it is a lot to ask of him. He does so much more than Dad’s conventionally do, and then he has to help me as well!

I don’t feel as though he loves me like he did before, partly because it is hard for him to be around me when I am beyond exhausted, unwell or feeling tearful, and also because we just don’t have the time or energy to be together as we were, but maybe I am underestimating his loyalty here. Time will tell I guess.

When I have asked him about this, he just says that he didn’t run away 7 years a go when we met, and we have been through worse than this together and that is true.

I don’t feel great right now, because I can’t manage Marcus alone anymore for more than a few hours. He gets bored easily and I can’t keep lifting him. It’s not a nice feeling as his Mother to know that he is better off with someone else now, for his care needs at least (his emotional needs he will need me for later on I’m sure).

I feel bad when I am looking after him and can’t cope and feel guilty and redundant when someone else is doing it, but none of this is my fault and the main thing is that he is loved, cared for, safe and happy!

One great thing, however, is that I can now take him out on my knee on my mobility scooter short distances, to the local library, the Gym, the swimming pool or the local shops, and he is very entertained and happy! I enjoy this time with my boy, away from home and independent from Steve. To make it safer though as Marcus gets bigger and more wriggly, I am getting a baby sling so I can strap him to me when he travels out with me!

So I have decided to focus on my strengths, what I can achieve! I am so lucky to have a gorgeous baby, a loving partner, a lovely home and to still be living a relatively independent life. 7 years a go when ms was progressing rapidly, I never thought I’d make it to 30 never mind make it to 32 and become a Mum so in a way my whole life is a bonus- but I still don’t want to get worse again. I am only human and want to sustain my health as much as I can for Marcus and Steve as well as myself. However, what will be will be. These are the extra risks I have taken on in having a baby.

No one knows what the future may holds anyway, so we are just taking a day at a time right now, enjoying the joys of parenthood and surviving the rest. I have nothing but respect for single parents. I know not how they do it but, in a way, I do think that having a baby with ms is in many ways as tough as being a single parent! Being a single parent with ms now that to me must take a super-human strength, especially with little ones- but people do it and live to tell the tale!

So if you have MS and are thinking about having a baby, I say as long as your relationship is solid enough and your partner fit enough (or you have very good family support or can afford to pay for child-care), go for it! If not think very carefully about what you are potentially taking on! It’s one of the richest and most amazing journeys in life but it’s also one of the toughest!

The first two months after Marcus was born were totally mad. It was as if I had been thrown into another universe and a crazy one at that, what with trying to recover from the caesarean whilst breast-feeding, which is exhausting and did my back in further, doing shifts at night caring for baby Marcus, caring for Marcus a lot during the day too whilst Steve was either on the phone running the mobility scooter business or out on some repair or other business, and on top of all that dealing with the press, both Local and National (but boy was that fun, we made the local news , national press and even sold our story to a Woman’s magazine for over a grande!). I think it was the lack of sleep that was the hardest. We had a few explosive arguments because when I was at the end of my tether, beyond reason you could say, it wasn’t very nice to Steve to come in and deal with and he often took it personally. I wasn’t criticising him but it often felt like it. We were all doing our best and doing well. I usually ended up having a bath at around that time just for a bit of time off, peace, relation and sanity and that did revive me.

Physically I wasn’t doing too badly at all. My legs were stiffer and my back painful from the caesarean, and all the angles lifting and handling baby Marcus but by January my legs got worse, especially my left leg and foot which I could hardly lift at all. I was starting to struggle to get out of bed and onto the toilet, transfer to and from the wheelchair etc. and that scared me, as I value that independence so, so much! Needing help to get in and out of bed, into the wheelchair, one the toilet etc. takes you to a new level of care and that is something that I fight my hardest to avoid at all costs. That IS WHY I DO WHATEVER IT TAKES TO HELP MYSELF, follow whatever diet it takes, take whatever vitamins I might need, go swimming and or to the Gym regularly even when it exhausts me etc. But on this occasion, though I was eating a bit more fat and a few more calories due to breast-feeding, I think it was largely stress, exhaustion and the post-natal drop in hormones, that were responsible for my ms worsening. After having a baby women are prone to relapse and it was annoying to be so conventional and follow this trend, but with the way I pushed and pushed myself beyond my physical and emotional limits, not altogether surprising. I will never know what triggered my ms to worsen, do we ever know for sure!, but I realised that I needed to start putting myself first, and Marcus second at that time, because he was thriving and doing just fine, whereas I was not. Marcus needed care but he didn’t mind who gave it to him as long as his needs were met, and my sacrificing myself wasn’t helpful as he can only have one Mum and he needs me to be as strong and able as possible for him!


Marcus lifting his head to look at his pictures- strong little man!

So when he was 2 months old I stopped breast-feeding him, well he stopped taking both breast and bottle anyway, he was far to hungry and impatient to be bothered to breast feed by then anyway, so that decided that one. As a result Steve took over the nights and I started to get decent sleep and rest at long last! I was just so run down and I had a UTI as well so I needed it. Honestly I swear I could have slept forever at times, but I needed it because suddenly it had all caught up with me.

What really scared me was the way my legs kept straightening out in spasm making the simplest of movements a big struggle. It made me realise just how well I had done over the last 7 years, fighting my way back from needing care just to get out of bed in the morning, caring for myself, becoming self-employed and living relatively independently (through use of wheelchair, walker, stairlift and mobility scooter etc.) I hadn’t realise how remarkably far I had come in reclaiming my life until this reminder.

One day in January I hit a real low, after an argument with Steve about baby milk and phone calls (or something equally stupid, but I was negative and he went off on one!) I went to the Gym and was devastates to find that I could take not even one step on the treadmill. I was in tears and a hormonal wreck at that time, having stopped breast-feeding and it was a very hard time indeed. Through the MSRC message board I was reassured that life would go on and that a lot of it was hormones, which it was, I realise that now.

Since that time I have had good nights sleep every night- STEVE IS MY HERO!- and I saw my nutrition consultant, Brian Hampton, once again, and refocused on the anti-candida diet and taking a lot more vitamins. I felt as though Marcus had taken all the good stuff out of me!!! I took Wormwood for candida and am now taking olive leaf extract for candida and detox. Whether this approach had helped or not I do not know for sure, but it has definitely helped me, because I believe in it. I think the big thing though really has been getting good sleep and rest. When living with a chronic illness, you can’t push and push yourself constantly, because if you do at some point it catches up with you!

Anyway, the good news is that since then I have gradually improved in my legs and life has become relatively good again in that I am not shattered and can manage ok. I find it tiring to do swimming or go to the Gym, but I do it anyway, because I think it is very important. On the days that I don’t go swimming or to the Gym, I do Yoga and then take a small walk out with my walker, either to the 1st or 2nd lamppost, depending on whether it is a good or bad day (I’ve not yet made it to the 3rd lamppost as I used to!). Sometimes at night I can manage the stairs up to bed as well but not always!

I am so relieved that life is going on and I am so grateful to Steve for making it possible for me to be a Mum and to start to really enjoy it now! As a day job I can cope…it’s the 24/7 bit that is really tough (God, why didn’t you at least make babies so they give you the 7th day of rest?).

We are so lucky because, not only is Marcus healthy and totally gorgeous, a real cutie, he is also pretty good as babies go. Most of the time he is sat up looking around, taking everything in and smiling at everyone (he loves people and always returns a smile!). Sometimes he chuckles, especially when his Dad is playing with him. He does have his moments too, but don’t all babies.

He is now around 14 lbs, and starting to sleep through the night, though he still has a way to go here (as do I in recovering my mobility!). He usually had his last feed (dream-feed) around midnight and then he’ll sleep anything from 4 to 6 hours, have a bottle and then go back for another 4 hours. In the day he is awake a lot now, feeds every 3 or so hours and takes a nap every few hours for an hour or so.

It is an amazing journey and it is wondrous how quickly they develop. So far Marcus seems (and looks) just like his Dad in that he is sociable, likes to be the centre of attention, finds like highly humourous and had a feisty little temper on him when he is hungry! He is a real hit with the ladies and gets lots of attention wherever he goes.

It is especially funny when Steve had him in his baby carrier hung around his neck with his leather Budweiser jacket all zipped up! The looks, squeals and cries of ‘oh, he’s gorgeous’ we get when talking/scooting around down are lovely (to which Steve replies with a smirk, ‘I know I am but thank you’).

We have taken far too many photos and far too much home video of the boy, but isn’t that what smitten parents do! At times it is too much and hard to juggle everything, but we love our little boy so much, we are happy that he decided to come and join us on planet earth- our tiny little visitor!

Going to the Florida Keys with the heat, MS, and a small baby will be challenging to say the least, but I believe that the sunshine does me so much good in the longer-term (vitamin D appears to be protective against ms, maybe I owe my life to going to the Keys annually through meeting my Steve?) and the daily swimming, though exhausting, really does help as well!

Anyway, we are so sick of this terrible cold and long Winter now. Whenever I feel as though I am really getting somewhere in reclaiming my legs I seem to get a cold, bug or infection that knocks me back again. But I really am lucky to have stabilised at all, never mind a Mum as well, so I will continue my journey on, doing my best, triumphing against adversity and counting my blessings of which there are so many! Though it is a very difficult life, as I have said before, it is very rich (particularly in the people I meet and correspond with through the internet!) and I am just so grateful for the simple things in life, a warm bed, good food, creature comforts, family and friends. Having long holidays in the sunshine, travelling the world (Steve is planning another trip to S. America for the Autumn, whilst Marcus is babysat in the Florida Keys!) and being a Mum are huge bonuses!

I think if you have your health, food in your belly and a warm bed to sleep in at night YOU REALLY DO HAVE THE WORLD!

Love

Sylvie x

Full Name: Marcus Andrew Stephen Wright
Weight: 5lbs 9oz
Arrived: 22nd October 2005 5:32pm
36 weeks pregnant to the day

(30/10/05)

Hi Friends,

Well I got out of hosp on Saturday, the day before yesterday, 7 days almost to the hour after I went in (in Sat 22nd 3pm- out Saturday 29th 3 pm).

The week has been one big blurr in a way as you can imagine with the surgery, adjustments and lack of sleep. Marcus is an angel during the day, but he's up most of the nights, think he's catching up being so tiny and with such a tiny little stomach.

I ended up having an emergency caesarean (planned for Thursday the 27th) after my waters broke on Saturday afternoon on the 22nd (I suspect they had been leaking on and off before this at times, especially on a couple of previous nights, but with my appalling bladder function in the last weeks of pregnancy it is hard to say!). In a way it was better just to have it all happen rather that to know it was going to.

In the morning we went to town and to the markets as usual for fruit and veg (Steve's gotta have his pork pie or 'cholesterol bomb' as he calls it!) and the funny thing is that I decided to wear my Poncho from Lima, which makes me look (and feel) like a Peruvian Princess, so I took a photo of myself in it outside the cathedral by a Santa in it, my last photo whilst pregnant as it turns out!

At noon I was happily swimming in the swimming pool and home and preparing some yummy garlic chips, made with olive oil, by 2 pm, only I didn't get further than boiling the potatoes (which would then be seasoned and grilled), before things started to worry me. I went to the loo, but then I kept leaking fluid on and on intermittently after and it didn't feel like it was coming from my bladder. It also had a Mummy smell about it and seemed a little bit blood-stained so I called the hospital trying my best to stay calm! (I was shaking a bit!). They said to come in for a check, but no real rush. So I finished packing my hospital bag and off we went!

At the hospital I was asked to lay on a bed while they did a trace, which was described as 'gorgeous' (so baby was doing well!). I started getting what I thought was intermittent wind-pain, at which point Steve started taking the piss out of me, whilst videoing, saying 'she's got wind...it couldn't possible be CONTRACTIONS'. I was also reassuring him that it was no doubt all a false alarm, to which he said to the camera, 'She says it's a false alarm...it couldn't possibly be LABOUR could it?'...knowing full well that this was highly likely due to my flushed face, breathing and reeling about on the bed in discomfort. At this stage I knew my waters had broken as I could feel liquid coming out but I wasn't in pain, it was just discomfort...which I then decided must be these Braxton Hicks contractions they talk about!

I took the nappy I was wearing off after about 40 mins and it was clear that my waters had broken without the need for any Doctor to check, so suddenly everything started happening! The trace also confirmed that I was actually experiencing contractions so a doctor appeared in great haste to check me over. An internal examinations confirmed that I was actually already 5 cm dilated...and the doctor could feel the feet in the birth canal already as my baby was still breach (as we knew!). I could not believe this as I wasn't in any real pain at all. How could this be?

Suddenly all hell broke loose and I was attacked from all sides with Doctors, Anaesthetists, nurses and goodness knows who else! I also needed the loo but there was no time. I was assured that incontinence was not a problem, but I was very uncomfortable about losing total control of everything with an emergency caesarean looming! They shoved a catheter in and I was transferred to a trolley and wheeled into the room where the surgery was to take place, and transferred onto the table. I had no choice but to let it all happen! Steve was given a green gown, and mask, which made him look like George Clooney (and very sexy with it!).

I recall a nice chap called Jim, making jokes, reassuring me throughout the whole operation and trying to put me at ease, but it was all pretty traumatic. They gave me an anaesthetic injection in my back and then the spinal injection went in and I went numb from my chest down! They put a green screen up and Steve came in...boy was it good to see him!!!

The actual operation was one of the most surreal experiences of my life. There was no pain but lots of tugging down below. I felt a lot of pressure on my heart, I felt nauseous and my arms became really shaky. I was assured that this was all a normal reaction to the anaesthetic but it was still all very scary!

Next minute we got a glimpse of a tiny babies head covered in blood and white stuff over the screen and it was confirmed to be a baby boy, as Steve had suspected all along. He was then taken to the next room to be checked and woken up etc. Pretty soon we heard a couple of screams, and Dad was called in to see his little boy!

The video Steve took of these first moments are pretty magical. Steve says the way Marcus first opened his eyes, and looked at him, was exactly the way his Dad had looked at him just before he died...so the connection was immediate! He said to his baby 'Welcome Marcus to planet earth...it's PARTY TIME'. They cleaned Marcus up, with rubber gloves on, rubbing him with towels to further wake him, and Steve continued to turn the video of Marcus's birth into a comedy! (it is hilarious!). He asked if he was well endowed and was told he was about average, to which Steve said 'Oh' and they said maybe we should have said 'Yes'!!! It was also remarked when Steve called him Marcus...what happened to Sir Bishop Desmond Tutu then!!!? (the name we gave my bump throughout the pregnancy!)

Marcus was then brought in to see him and although I thought he was lovely and far more beautiful looking right away after the birth that I had ever expected, it was all still very overwhelming and unreal. I still being stitched up and feeling pretty ill. The main thing was that he was well, and he didn't need to go the the special care baby unit. His tiny feet were rather bruised from starting to come so quickley into the birth canal, and he kept his legs bunched up rather a lot in a bowl as breech babies often do, having less room in the womb that way up, but over the next week he healed and gradually stretched out (and boy what a kick when he's hungry!!!).

I was then taken to the place where people recover for the night. Marcus was put on me as much as possible. They call this skin to skin contact and they are very keen on this as it helps calm the babies heart-rate, and temperature and helps with bonding. They also tried to get him to latch onto me to feed and get some Colostrum straight away, but this was tricky for both of us. He did manage to and did get a bit though.

My was experiencing intermittent leg spasms (as I generally do) but it was really weird, because I couldn't feel them, so it was as though it was someone else's legs that were jumping about. Steve stayed till around 9 pm and then they went home to spread the news and celebrate with a take-out Chinese meal for two, which was enormous and which he ate for the rest of the week!

That whole night was a blur with no chance of sleep as it was so noisy all night. Gradually I began to feel and be able to move my legs again. At one point I experienced excruciating pain as the drugs wore off and my bladder went into spasm due to the catheter in there (now that was pain!). My bladder desperately tried to push the catheter out and I was given more morphine to alleviate this. I'm pretty sure my bladder leaked and the bed was then changed (I told them it was going to) but none of that was a big deal at all. I was also given a bed-bath and at some point in the early hours, I had some toast (I'm not eaten since about 10am Saturday morning!).

And so began a week of very little sleep and trying to adjust to having a baby, getting my colostrum to come, learning how to get him to latch on (it was a struggle at times), learning simply how to handle a tiny baby, nappy changing and winding (the staff were brilliant and helped me out all the time day and night at the touch of a buzzer, but still there were one hell of a lot of rules and too much pressure on me!). At times I think the only thing that kept me sane was the positive affirmations tape I had made and played to myself throughout the days and nights on my personal stereo through the headphones (no one knew and it did help!).

It was very tough, especially when you are trying to recover from surgery. I found it hard to sleep in the short periods at night when Marcus slept. It hit me just how much care I needed myself because there are times when I should be asleep but would lie awake with leg spasms (the room in the hospital was hot which did not help at all and I had to wear the operation stockings as well which made me even hotter!) or be woken with my bladder! I also need to eat well and eat proper food (Steve was brilliant bringing me in huge tuna or chicken salads).

Day 4 and day 5 were overwhelming with the sheer fatigue, pressure and the drop in hormone levels causing weepiness and the 'baby blues'. I felt as though I had taken on the world and felt really stupid for asking that of myself (though happy to have a healthy baby of course- the sheer extreme mixes of emotion totally do you head in!). I felt as though I had swapped a relatively nice life for one in which I was to suffer day and night and at times I still do!).

There was no day or night anymore just one long day, which was tough when you were in a room and caring for a new born 24/7. But I was lucky to have the help on tap and also to be in a large room on my own which was fully adapted with disabled facilities such as a bath lift!

Sometimes I felt very on my own, as Steve was organising things at home, trying to take business deliveries which often did not turn up, and trying to cope with bad migraines which often affect him at this time of year.

He usually unwinds after a big year of stressful scooter selling and repairing with the business when we fly out to the Florida Keys though at this time of year for a couple of months and rest, sunshine and swimming therapy in the Florida Keys though, and we still hope to go in early December this autumn for 3 weeks but that all remains to be seen! Some days I think this is realistic and others I think there is no way I will cope!

Also having me undergo major surgery and the worry about his tiny new baby, well it is not to be underestimated (causing sleeplessness and no doubt the migraines). Steve was at the hospital when he could be and when he was there is was brilliant with Marcus and learnt so much so fast, absorbing information like a sponge. I just needed him there more at times, for emotional support above all else, as it was so much to deal with in that room without him there!

Steve feeds Marcus with a pipette

On day 5 I did see a clinical psychologist, because by the morning I really didn't want my baby, and after a long chat he said that the main problem was that I was simply outside of my comfort zones in the way I manage my ms, and that I was hormonal and exhausted, so it was all pretty normal stuff to be feeling in a way. He saw no sign of clinical depression so no need for any anti-depressants. I agreed totally and was very impressed with the way he summarised everything and it was reassuring to know that I wasn't actually going mad (it was good therapy and helpful to know it was all understandable and made sense!)

It is just all the fears and unknowns for the future, how Steve and I would manage. My greatest fear of all was that I'd become so neurotic that Steve would leave me, but if anyone knows Steve that scenario is probably unlikely, and maybe I am totally underestimating my own strength and abilities there?

Steve tells me I have to stay in the hospital for another 6 weeks!!!

I found a plan was naturally coming together anyway. Offers of help from my best-friend's Mum, I could always pay my old Home-help to come in and prepare food for me or do whatever, social services were contacted to come to assess our situation, my parents were also on the scene. Gradually I realised that there would be a way to ensure life would go on and maintain my health as well as I generally do (with ms there are no guarantees anyway!). On day 6 I let the staff take Marcus off from 4 am and I got a good few hours kip before they returned him and felt hugely better for it!

I also saw my Neurologist on day 6, and asked to try taking Gavopentin for the leg spasms. I'm not yet allowed to take my bladder calming medicine because I am breast-feeding but the Gapapentin I am allowed and I felt it was worth trying to see if this drug could alleviate this annoying symptom. I also had to start self-catheterising because my bladder is retaining over 100 ml (maximum 200 ml). This is often a problem with ms and also after pregnancy, but I am also so glad to have got a relatively functional bladder back. I'm also taking Iron tablets for anaemia (due to blood loss with the mother of all periods!), and this is causing my a bit of constipation, just when was enjoying the relief from this symptom after having had my baby. So it's all still swings and roundabouts!

Overall the good news is that physically I am actually a bit better that before I went in...on my legs and wrt ms (maybe the hormone thing? maybe some kind of nature survival thing kicking in? maybe it will last? maybe it won't...who knows?). My Neurologist was pleased with me and she also said that I seemed a bit better than when I saw her the week before (less shaky and anxious I guess)! I have made sure that I got back on my feet and walked daily up and down the hospital corridor every day since day 3 as well, and in spite of the surgery I am doing remarkably well. I have got my figure back almost immediately. It was all baby, fluid and placenta in there! I'm having to ensure I eat and drink enough too so as to ensure my milk keeps coming and that I don't lose weight. (not always easy to find the energy to prepare good food and remember to drink but it is crucial so that is where I need the care myself!)

I've not needed anti-biotics for Urinary Tract Infections either, which considering how prone I am to them, and considering what my bladder went through having a permanent in-dwelling catheter stuck in me causing pain and excruciating muscle spasms, I think this is pretty damn remarkable! I resisted the pressure of taking anti-biotics to treat an Uti, towards the end of my pregnancy, and cleared it naturally, because I assumed that I may need them later after surgery when I weaker and run-down! But as with the whole ms deal, there is no predicting anything it seems, suffice to say that I am proud not to have succumbed to the pressure to take them straight away, and grateful to have needed them later!

It is all so weird. I get physially f***** but you just get on with it- most of the time!

Steve has bonded with Marcus so well, taking to him like a duck to water...just amazing! He took over for the first night on Saturday night the day I got back home (after a feed that went on for something like 3 hours to get Marcus to settle for a wee bit, so I got to bed at about 12.30 am and got about 7 hours - heaven- that night on and off- kept checking on my baby though- you can't just switch off!) and he handled this fantastically...using back-up new born baby formula feeds at night. He says he had a fab time at 3 am watching Takeshi's castle and giving Marcus a bottle! Then at around 8 am Steve went off to the Gym and I took over with Marcus.

People say no one can prepare you for the lifestyle change involved in becoming a parent, but in my case, being very AWARE AS A PERSON, I was prepared in a way for how hard it would be...and hence my trepidation and anxiety.

Also what people don't tell you is that although you may never get 8 hours uninterrupted sleep again, you don't need it as much (though it would be heaven!), because when you sleep you really do sleep!!! It is all a lot more efficient (or maybe I speaking too soon?)/

Our little boy is healthy and beautiful. I wasn't expecting him to come out so beautiful looking (but guess the caesarean helped there!). The best thing is that he really is thriving and doing everything a baby should!!!

For the first 24 hours he was too sleepy and tiny to get the hang of breast-feeding and they had to wake him every four hours to try to feed on the breast (and get my milk to come) and then give him fomula with a pipette but now he feeds regularly during the day and all the time at night- or at least it feels like it!.

We are just taking a day at a time right now, but so far so good. Being premature it may take him a little while to establish a routine. Also the reason he feeds like mad at night is apparently because of nature. He knows this (~4 am) is the best time to stimulate my hormone levels to boost milk production...in the first few weeks. And although exhausting the breast feeding (and sustained hormone levels are actually protecting me from ms, so in a way he is HELPING ME TOO and making persisting with the whole breast-feeding lark worthwhile- it's also worthwhile because it is damn convenient during the day as well!). So this night, Sunday night I fed him till around 11 pm and got to bed, Steve finished that feed up with a bottle, I slept till 3.30 am and then took over feeding and caring so as to do the hormone stimulating feed!

Daddy sleeps downstairs and I sleep upstairs and we are doing half nights each in shifts and so far this seems to be working (if I need more Steve can do more!)

He validates, praises and enjoys him all the time, telling him how good he is and how little trouble he is! He always sensed he'd have a baby at around 50 (he's 49 now) and that it would be a boy (Could have told me like!!!). He calls him our 'tiny little visitor who just needs a little bit of help, and so far, he's been treating me like a queen too, with lovely meals, love and care, even spoon feeding me when I'm tied up feeding Marcus- ahhhhhhhhh! I just wish Steve could be here all the time, but of course with running the business too. In theory he was supposed to be taking time off but in practise it is not so simple!

I'm getting the hang of using the internet too whilst breast-feeding, and typing with one finger and holding and supporting him with the other. It makes night feeds pass quicker to believe me. I'm a working Mum and having a life outside baby (business, friends, emails, message board!) is wonderful!

Switching on and off, sleeping between the feeds, I do find hard but I am trying to chill and rest instead rather than beat myself up about this! I am also trying to do the same during the day, but I do wish I could just adapt and sleep more during the day, just like Marcus does. I don't know why I can't do this, but I guess it is early days and there's one hell of a lot going on right now!

At present he is being fed on demand, but his Daddy is clearly still the boss and this phase won't last forever! Around 12 day after birth babies tend to go through a grown spurt and jus feed 24/7 so I am preparing myself for that. With Marcus it may be a little later as he was a bit premature (bang on 36 weeks but a good weight at 5 lbs 7 Oz for that gestation). When he left the hospital on Saturday he weighed 5 lbs 5 Oz, but it is usual for babies to lose weight in the first week as they adjust to the lack of 'womb' room-service. Yesterday (Monday) he weighed 5lbs 5.5 Oz so he's gained a bit in two days!

Yesterday though Steve had to go out for the Argos