Inner Siftings

Kick The Can

This was a segment from "Twilight Zome: The Movie" that Steven Spielberg directed.

A synopsis from The Movies Made Me Do It:

This is a film about youth -- about appreciating who you are, not how old you are. "Kick the Can" is the name of this one, and it's about a man -- Mr. Bloom (Scatman Crothers) -- who comes to stay at an old age home, where everyone is tired...and slow...and confined to their routines. There is one man who always waits on his soon to come and take him out for the day, but he never does. These are people at the end of their lives, abandoned by their loved ones and forced into their lives of sameness. When Mr. Bloom arrives, he shakes things up and starts showing the residents that they have more to offer. One night, as everyone sneaks out for a rebellious game of 'kick the can', the old men and women start turning into children again, revealing that Mr. Bloom has a little more magic to him that originally thought. The children run and dance and sing and play and have a great time, until they realize that their lives as old people really weren't so bad at all. Spielberg's entry into the film is certainly the sweetest, the most powerful, and the most imaginative. It's not a horror film so much as a drama with some fantastical elements. It has the trademark Spielberg feel to it, and I wish that he had turned this into a feature length film, because there's much more material to explore.

]]> PART ONE
PART TWO

Links To Lighten The Load

In putting together this post I began thinking of being a kid and playing doctor (no, not THAT kind...) and we'd use M&Ms for pills, the various colors would be for different ailments. I suppose I thought of that because these links, like those pills are colorful in their own way, sweet and easy to go down. But they were chosen for you as a gift from me because I appreciate you reading my entries and I hope these sites are as useful, motivating and practical for you as they have been for me.
Here goes:

]]> 39 Ways To Live And Not Merely Exist

This first site lists 39 ways you can sort of break out of your routine and grab hold of life. I liked the practicality of it. Here are a few that sprung out at me as things I can do that might really help:
-Try something new, every week. Ask yourself: "What new thing shall I try this week?" Then be sure to do it. You don't have to learn a new language in one week, but seek new experiences. Give it a try. You might decide you want to keep it in your life.
-Get outside. Don't let yourself be shut indoors. Go out when it's raining. Walk on the beach. Hike through the woods. Swim in a freezing lake. Bask in the sun. Play sports, or walk barefoot through grass. Pay close attention to nature.
-Lose control. Not only control over yourself, but control over others. It's a bad habit to try to control others -- it will only lead to stress and unhappiness for yourself and those you try to control. Let others live, and live for yourself. And lose control of yourself now and then too.
-Cry. Men, especially, tend to hold in our tears, but crying is an amazing release. Cry at sad movies. Cry at a funeral. Cry when you are hurt, or when somebody you love is hurt. It releases these emotions and allows us to cleanse ourselves.

Good stuff, huh?

Here's a fun site if you have difficulty with conversation starters:

Unique Conversation Starters
Yeah, I know, it's meant for dating, but all of these are questions anyone could use. Some of these questions are jarringly unusual, so use them wisely in the right setting.. someone asking a stranger what their favorite Cyndi Lauper song is, might not get too far in that conversation. Well, unless you asked me.. mine is "Time after Time".

Next we have :
Seven Ways To Overcome Social Awkwardness
Which presents seven ways we can overcome our awkwardness in social situations. Some of these really do push the boundaries of what is comfortable but in thinking about my past and it's results in my present I have to admit that skating along only in my comfort zone hasn't always served me well. So a little push and pulling of myself is needed.

I saved the best for last.. dessert time!

Finding Your Inner Paul Potts

Never heard of him? I hadn't until recently but I've been fascinated by this guy ever since I did. Here's the basic story , the writer has been mentioning an opera aria called "Nessun Dorma":

"But it has never had so much meaning as it did on a stage in Great Britain, being sung by a mobile phone salesman named Paul Potts.
Potts is an average-looking bloke whose teeth aren’t straight, and he admits to having battled self-confidence issues his whole life. Still, he decided to audition for a television show called “Britain’s Got Talent.”
You’ve seen the American version, I’m sure. Beat box artists, break dancers and jugglers combined with a few people trying to be pop stars.
On his first night, Potts took to the stage and sang that famous aria from “Turnadot,” after telling judge Simon Cowell that he felt he needed to pursue his first love, opera.
You could hear the snickers from the crowd, see Simon’s telltale eye roll, and practically feel the flop sweat rolling down Potts’ brow.
But then he sang.
From the first note floating from his snaggle-toothed beak (ouch - me), it was clear there was no competition for him in that room.
The crowd gave him a standing ovation in what is now one of the Internet’s most popular viral videos. It has been viewed on YouTube alone more than 2.4 million times"

It's an article about finding and pursuing your passion, rekindling your dreams. And, oh yeah, the video is impossible to get through with dry eyes. Just sos you knows.

We meet Paul:

He sings "Time To Say Goodbye" during the semi-finals... whew.

and.... the winner of "Britain's Got Talent" is announced:

Okay, that should be enough for one entry, huh?

Laughter - A Good Kinda Contagion

After The Shaking Stopped

I read an article last night about a drug now being tested called Cogane.
Remarkable claims are being made and the word "cure" is being more than hinted at. Here are a few links:

Drugs company cracks Parkinson's with cure

Patients hope claim of a cure is genuine
Phytopharm up on Parkinson drug trial
Phytopharm waiting for big breakthrough

New Drug May Be Parkinson's Cure

This is some hot stuff, I'd advice you add the word COGANE to your Google News Alert list so you can be kept abreast of what's going on.

I read the early stories on this last night and began to weep as I pondered the possibility... a cure? Really?

Well, I woke up this morning with the skeleton of this poem in my mind. It's structure is based on the song "After The Revolution" by David Rovics... I suppose if it were ever to be sung, the tune would be very similar.
It's silly, playful, extra-idealized and goofy... so what?
Here goes.

]]> After the Shaking Stopped

It was a time I'll always remember
Because I will never forget
The day a cure came down upon us
And Parkinson's stopped being a threat
And once our bodies settled
The day seemed to take on light
And an inner calm engulfed us
Like it was all gonna be alright
That's how it felt to be alive
After the shaking stopped

From Atlanta to St. Joseph
People opened up their door
Freed from their inner prison
They wouldn't stay inside no more
No more would they feel self conscious
Their dignity restored
And walking now in sunshine
Years of patience found reward
And somewhere in Hilo a happy mother smiled and cried
After the shaking stopped

Hospital wings were standing open
And a father hugged his son
They spoke of future plans now
For a new day had begun
Millions of happy people
Went to a celebration fair
As Michael J Fox and Muhammad
Sparred playfully in the square
Then they talked about what they'd do now
Now that the shaking stopped

With the money we would save
We worried less about our bills
We gave away all our canes and wheelchairs
And gave a flush to all our pills
And we all wrote the papers
To have a holiday declared
The day our body's chains released us
The day that we were unimpaired
And we commisioned statues of the researchers
After the shaking stopped

Stem cells stopped being an issue
Nothing left there to debate
No need for playing politics
No need for blinding hate
For when the curing happened
We held on for all we're worth
To the idea that our happiness
Might spread through all the earth
And then we'd hear of other diseases being cured too
After the shaking stopped

We started working in our gardens more
Got involved in our community
We rediscovered our fellow man
And learned to live in dignity
We learned to treat our bodies
As the precious gifts they are
We ate more from the organic produce aisle
And less from the cookie jar
And Hallmark printed up extra thank you cards that day
After the shaking stopped

And then the Parkinson's bloggers
Found free time now on their hands
So we headed down to Florida
To bury our toes in the sands
I spent a few years catching up
With my wife, my friends and lovers
Waking up at the crack of dawn
After sweet rest under the covers
Then I decided to to learn the accordion...
After the shaking stopped

PD, Body Size and putting ourselves out there

I was reading on the Young Onset Parkinson's Association message board and came across this post:
Please forgive me but I am single and I have to ask this question. Did anyone else out there have the experience of thinking that someone was going to ask you for a date then you told them upfront about the PD and they took off never to be heard from again? I am large-sized but to be large-sized with PD means that no one seems to want to date you. I am getting very discouraged.

Something about it struck me and I decided i wanted to reply to it. I started writing and it just got longer and longer untill I thought it was really too long to post in a public forum. So I put it here and will link from the forum to this post in the attempt to save room on the forum. My response is below. Writing it helped me to process my thoughts. I am truly just learning too.

]]> Hi Paula
your post gave me pause and I wanted to respond

with a few thoughts from a fellow person with PD

who is also , as you say, "plus sized". I am not

responding because I have "the answer", but because

I trying to figure things out just like we all are.
I think it's very easy, with PD, to feel somewhat

embarrassed by our bodies quirks. We move a little

differently at times, we have tremors, maybe walk

with a limp, you know, many things that we can look

at and think that people are looking at us, talking

about us, laughing at us. As large people we can

already relate to those kinds of feelings, perhaps the

PD just adds to the self-consciousness.
So we brace ourselves, we live our lives in a seige

mentality, huddled inside ourselves to protect against

the potential pain of the people who look, judge ,

point and laugh.
Yeah, mean folks are out there. No doubt about that.

But I have discovered in life that if I live in shame

(of my body size, PD, or whatever) I make it real

obvious to those around me that I accept the role of

victim. I do this by body language, eye contact (or

lack of), the way I speak (or if I speak) and on and

on. This very weakness, like in the animal world,

culls you from the herd, marks you as an easy target

and it will manifest negative responses from the

"mean people" out there.
But.. in acceptance of myself, and it is a hard, hard

process to achieve and harder yet to maintain, I find

that I reflect out that I am okay as I am. I accept me

today. There is always room for improvement to be

sure, but today I am here, I am this way, I am a

large person and I have a neurological disorder that

I am dealing with.
When we can accept ourselves, we draw those who

also can accept us. It's almost a magnetism concept,

isnt it? We can draw or repel by how we accept or

reject our own selves. The outside reflects the inside.
I once heard Leo Buscaglia say something that really

stuck with me. He was talking about a plus-sized

woman who was having trouble finding dates and

friends. The advice given to her was to find ways to

celebrate the very things that you reject about

yourself. Okay, she didn't like her thighs and hips,

but she began lightening up on herself about them,

stopped apologizing to herself and others about them.

She began to celebrate them, laugh about them,

make them something she talked about in her

flirtations. Instead of hiding them, she had the joyful

audacity to present it as one of her "selling points".

And, do you know, in doing that she found men

willing to celebrate her hips and thighs with her. She

found men who were drawn by the strength she

demonstrated despite not being the kind of woman

you'd see on a fashion magazine.
So here we are, we have this information, now what

do we do with it? Is it worth experimenting with to

see if it works in your life?
So think of ways to celebrate your Parkinson's and

celebrate your size. How can we make these things

into selling points? To use a basic analogy, let's turn

the lemons into lemonade. Then we will draw those

who may not care much for sour tart lemons, but

they sure would enjoy a nice cool glass of lemonade.
How we do that is individual, we each need to work

with ourselves to see what clicks. But I'll share a

few suggestions in closing as nudges in the right

direction.
1) Make a lighthearted list of 20 good things about

having PD. Get absurd with it, get jokey about it.

My list contains such silliness as "In an emergency,

you'll never be called on to perform emergency brain

surgery, so no pressure there", "You can play one

hell of a game of Yahtzee", "You can thread sewing

machine needles without having to stop the machine"

and on and on. You are developing a silly, light

attitude about PD, that is your goal. When you have

this list, you will have tons of emotional backup when

you are in public and drop things or shake. You can

fall back on an item from your list and say "It's just

Parkinson's.. it's okay.. you should have seen me

conducting the Boston Symphony, I wore them out!".

Lightness and a return to balance. If you laugh about it from a safe place like that, it lightens up the feelings of uncomfortableness folks sometimes experience around someone with a physical challenge.
2) Ponder the saying "Those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind". Lots of wisdom there in dealing with reactions to both your size and your PD. Those who truly are worth your time are the ones who will take the time and effort to get beyond such minor things as a tremor in your hand or your body type. Bodies grow and get smaller, our PD symptoms have good days and bad, but our core remains. Those willing to get to these essential parts of us are the ones you can be assured it is worth investing yourself in.
3) ....
I will leave this last one blank as I want you to go off on your own fork in the road and see where this takes you.
Thanks for reading and I hope this helps.

Self-Talk - My Own Best Coach

I find it has been useful, when I start getting deep in my doldrums, looking into that inner darkness of a thousand unknowns, to shake myself up with self-talk.
Basically it is giving myself a peptalk. I speak to myself and push myself to snap out of this funk, and go about life.
Surprisingly, it works more often than not. I use the anger and frustration I am feeling when my body parts are not cooperating and basically boot-camp myself into action.. some sort of action.. anything.
I think that hearing it from myself I can take things far easier than if there were someone over me haranguing me. Many of us grew up being haragued by others and thus have so many built in shut-down systems against that. Self-talk sort of short-circuits that by being from you.
Does it feel weird? Yeah. You think.. well, only crazy people talk to themselves, right? If you want to try this, you will have to get beyond that limiting concept.

]]> You are going to have to plant the idea in your mind that you do know what is best for yourself at the essential deep level. From that place, a place of strength despite circumstance, the place that goes regardless of what happens to your body, the place where the strength you often forget you have resides. From there you will coach yourself. From that place of strength you will have a clarity needed to direct your faltering body.
The power of self-talk is that you know your excuses, you know the games you pull. Self-talk involves busting yourself when you try to weasel out or play these games thatr have truly not served you or your best purposes.
So you out there.
What are you waiting for?
This stuff works.
The sooner I shut up, the sooner you'll be able to hear from yourself.

Tally-ho,
Larry

Famous People With Parkinsons's Disease

You aren't alone.

I'm not sure how many of these are actually confirmed. I am just posting an online list. If there are more, pop me a comment and I'll add it in.

Parkinson's Disease Patients

I am thinking of perhaps researching these poets with Parkinson's and maybe doing an entry on their poetic expressions of having PD>
I think it would be most interesting.

More Keyboard Shortcuts

For times when the mouse is difficult to handle due to PD shaky-itis.

Microsoft's Guide To Windows XP Shortcuts

Good stuff here.
Useful.

Creativity

I read an article today on the stifling of creativity. I got a lot out of it and hopefully readers out there might too.
Here's a link to it.
How To Stifle Your Creativity In 10 Easy Steps

On and off for many years now I have been a poetry writer. Nothing great, it's mainly a means of self-expression and also a nice way to play a sort of word game, especially with the more strictly rhyme and meter type poems.
I did a bit of writing in this vein last week, a parody on a song from "
The Wizard Of Oz" tied in to a situation we are involved in heer in Georgia that is really too local to even bother explaining. Anyway, I noticed that being lost in creativity has a very good effect on my well-being and also my body.

]]> First I should tell you that I usually will start and finish a project at one sitting.
In doing that I get "in the tunnel", my mind so focussed that little else seems to exist or matter for that stretch of time. Its like a slight yet steady dose of mild adrenalin going through my body, I feel very, healthy and present in the moment. Usually for a long time after the effect seems to have a calming effect on my shaking limbs.
So I need to listen to this and allow for creativity to wiork it's magic on me.

PS: Anyone out there actually reading this?

Hand Me Down My Walkin' Cane

I had been mentioning to my wife Jan for a few days that I might benefit from the use of a walking cane. Especially when my balance is at it's worse and I am seeming to be in a constant mime performance of the "Fall Of The Leaning Tower Of Pisa".
At my worst, my balance is an issue. When I am at home, I can usually reach out and lean against a wall or piece of furniture to steady myself, but out in the garage, the yard, or anywhere else for that matter, recover from a loss of balance is often difficult.
So we decide it it might be worth our while to invest in a cane and see if it helps. I have a walking stick, like a hiking stick, which I have used when getting mail or walking the yard, but at 7 feet tall, it is a bit impractical to lug around or use anywhere but outside like that.
When Jan goes to the pharmacy next for our meds, she picks up a cane for me.
It looks like this, is sort of a bronze/copper color, and cost about $14.
My first impressions using the cane were good ones, I am consciously trying not to depend on a cane to walk, I am using it more as a steadying device as I go along. It is a reassuring thing to have along incase it is needed.
Walking cane vs Hiking stick:
-Cane is more portable and practical for use in home and out in public.
-Stick, I can already see, in the long run would keep me standing and walking more upright.
-Cane has handle and non slide foot at bottom, stick is just a stick with no safety features.
-Both allow me to have something to grip my hands on to when I am shaky, thus lessening the embarrassment in public and also making me more apt to want to get out in public.
-Cane blends in more publically. People see a cane and they understand the person might be having some form of physical problem. Walking stick is tall and bulky and might indicate anything from "I'm coming off a hike and am now at the 7-11 stocking up on cheesy poofs", " I just saw the movie 'The Ten Commandments' and it has caused religious psychosis to kick in, I am carrying a staff to be like Moses now. Let my people go!" to it perhaps being seen as a potential weapon. In a park, in the outdoors, hiking stick will do well, indoors it will seem too out of the ordinary.
-Side benefits of having a cane handy. Cleaning up around the house is made a bit easier by having cane to assist on bending and getting up and down. It's a little easier on the knees and back to have something to lean on. Cane extends reach on some things, which is always nice.

So anyway, I'm no expert, I've just been using the cane a couple of days, but I'm already finding good uses for it and that it does help me along.

So far I am also doing okay with the psychological aspects of using/needing a cane. It feels kind of like when I started balding (which was quite a rapid process in my case), I accepted it as a part of my life process and went on from there. So far so good.

]]> I know I'll be writing more on this as time goes and things occur to me, but I did want to encourage others out there if you are having difficulty with your gait or balance due to Parkinson's and it is becoming a safety issue, consider a cane at least as a part-time solution.
I have been hoping a doctor might see me hobbling into their office and bring the topic up, but the way most doctor appointments are, the nurses walk you back to the exam room, take your vitals, get your story and then you sit till the doctor arrives. I have rarely been asked to demonstrate gait or balance so it is rarely addressed. This cane thing was a decision I needed to make for myself before I had a major fall which then might have alerted the medical professionals to my need for balance assistance.

Using Google.com With Parkinson's

I was surfing around this mornng and came upon this site:

Google Experimental

Which looks to be a place where Google introduces new features on the site. I was particularly interested in seeing that they are instituting keyboard shortcuts which minimize the need for clicking your mouse as much.

Here are the shortcuts they mention on this page, these seem the most useful to people with Parkinson's who have motor control difficulties and welcome any opportunity to avaid using the mouse and stick to the more stationary keyboard.

Thanks Google!

Key Action
J Selects the next result.
K Selects the previous result.
O Opens the selected result.
Opens the selected result.
/ Puts the cursor in the search box.
Removes the cursor from the search box.

Note - a couple of these keyboard tricks don't transfer on this page's layout due to it being in html-type language. Check out the site for fuul details.

Thank U

]]> how bout getting off these antibiotics
how bout stopping eating when I'm full up
how bout them transparent dangling carrots
how bout that ever elusive kudo

thank you india
thank you terror
thank you disillusionment
thank you frailty
thank you consequence
thank you thank you silence

how bout me not blaming you for everything
how bout me enjoying the moment for once
how bout how good it feels to finally forgive you
how bout grieving it all one at a time

thank you india
thank you terror
thank you disillusionment
thank you frailty
thank you consequence
thank you thank you silence

the moment I let go of it was the moment
I got more than I could handle
the moment I jumped off of it
was the moment I touched down

how bout no longer being masochistic
how bout remembering your divinity
how bout unabashedly bawling your eyes out
how bout not equating death with stopping

thank you india
thank you providence
thank you disillusionment
thank you nothingness
thank you clarity
thank you thank you silence

One More Job I Am Woefully Unqualified For

Look At The Precision This Guy Works With!

The illustration shows a sculpture of Snow White, the wicked witch and all seven dwarves... on the eye of a needle! He has to work between heartbeats to keep himself steady.
Add it to my list of "Careers I Am Probably Never Going To End Up In"

LOL

Making Peace With Mr. Parkinson

Here's the thing.... (he said, jumping back in as if he hadn't been gone for over a year)... the past year has been eventful, but instead of cataloguing these happenings, I'll just report on what is going on right now, perhaps referencing the past as ir relates.
I am on a few medications at present. ReQuip, Sinemet and (trying out for a month) Rasagiline. The way the pills affect me is very cyclical, I take the pills evry 5-6 hours (except for the Rasagiline, that's once daily) and I notice very definable patterns. Namely the pills don't really last 5-6 hours. When I take my meds in the morning, it takes between an hour and an hour and a half for them to kick in, starting off the day pretty miserably, feeling stiff and groggy. Then the meds kick in ( I can actually feel the muscles waking up and beginning to work, I've descibed it to someone as feeling almost as if the very temperature of your blood changes.. like a sudden flush of slightly cooler blood is entering the muscles that are tight and curled up.). So I am feeling good for perhaps an hour or two before the first twinges of The Stiffening returns. I notice my feet beginning to twist inward, if I get up to walk, my leg begins dragging again and there is general discomfort and restlessness in my limbs until pill-time again and then I wait the hour or so beyond that for it to release into my system.
Well, that's how it is with me anyway, Parkinson's affects each of us differently, so your mileage will , no doubt, vary.
With these cycles which come up 3-4 times a day, it gets easy for me to forget, in the middle of a bottom-out that it eventually gets better. I get gripe-y, sarcastic and angry (primarily at my poor pitiful self).
Things I have noticed here of late:
1) I complain about the dependence I have on medication to feel better. I wax dramatic about being an addict and being hooked on pills, needing more and more to feel good. I need to flip that thinking to where I am thankful that there are pills available that help, even if they only give limited relief. My psychological resistance and resentment toward these pills might have a negative type placebo efffect, you see? If people can think themselves into healing by believing a sugar-bullet is medication, then it stands to reason that I can talk myself out of healing benefits of medicine by harboring such negative feelings toward it.
Make sense?
2) After these 6 years with PD, I realize that in many. many ways, I still do not accept the reality of it in me. I fight it, sometimes physically wrestling with uncooperative body parts by grabbing a weak and shaking arm and holding it down till it ceases quivering. Better way: relaxation, which is the opposite of my gut reaction. I need to re-think my definition of control, it is not always physical, it may seem that it takes more time and doesn't always work, but I need to calm down, breathe, and allow the muscles to loosen on their own.
My body goes through enough without me restraining it and, in a roundabout way, punishing it for what cannot be helped.
3) Acceptance is a key. I know that. What I don't know is how to gain that acceptance in myself. Part of my blockage in that is the mixed up thinking that acceptance equals surrender and that surrender means lying down and letting PD run all over me. I have tried the surrender thing, folks, believe me, I have laid in bed for days in dark depression, shaking like a leaf, thinking the blackest thoughts possible for we humans to think about their own existence. Sooner or later, I realized that I need to get off my butt, get up, go shave and take a bath, eat something substantial and for God's sake, move. So in me the giving up thing is a thing where, been there, done that, bought the T-Shirt.
So in writing this, let me put the question out to the universe, what does true acceptance of illness like this mean and how is it acheived?
And let me add here that when I say I am putting a question "out to the universe", that you, in reading this, might just be the holder of teh answer I am looking for, so please.. any insight you might have out there.. do not hesitate to pull up a chair and let me learn from you.
I know there are folks out there who have mastered this or at least are farther along the path with it than I am. Teach me what you know, ok?
I entitled this entry as I did because I feel this is the next step for me, making peace with my illness.
I will candidly admit that I have avoided reading about PD very much. I have joined online groups but not participated. I really have not yet taken this very seriously, counting on these pill salone to pull me through. Well, medicine alone is never the answer, I know, I can just hear you out there saying that to yourself. But I think that perhaps.... maybe.. a sign of my acceptance of PD will be when I look at my small stack of PD books and say.. OK, what next.. what else acn I do for myself.
4) Another hurdle for me has been my inability to be gentle with myself. I push myself, my internal baggage telling me that because I am unable to work, I better justify my existence soem other way, I can at least keep a clean house, putter around the yard.. dammit, be busy. But the reality is that in the cycle period I wrote about earlier, my hands become almost unusable.
Think about it, if you lost your ability to use your hands, how much could you accomplish? The reality is, there is very little we do without out hands.
I will end this here, I could go on and on, but that's what they invented next days and further entried for, right?
Thanks for reading,
Lalo

Be Back Shortly

New entry on the horizon.
This is more a test than anything.