I just wanted to post an update and say that I am now one month pull free. :-) :-) :-) This hasn't happened for me for a while. I think I was ready for a pull-free period, and it came to me, and I accepted it. I've had a few moments here and there where I really thought of pulling (just one hair!), but luckily I thought it through and realized that it is just not worth it! I can never stop at just one hair, so not one hair can leave my head.

I am in the process of growing out my hair after a really horrid hair cut, so my hair looks pretty funky. I think if I lighten the roots, it would help a lot. The ends of my hair are dry and need a hot oil treatment. I still like to look through my hair to find the split ends and snap those off. I sometimes live for my evenings alone when I can sit in the lamplight and snap split ends with no distraction. I really get into the zone. I don't think this does a lot of damage, although I probably shouldn't do it. Right now though, I'm just happy to not be pulling. There isn't a whole lot of change in my bad spots, just that they are all filled in now. The hair is still slick and downy, so there is still a lot of growing to do.

I'm hoping that this pull free time will last a long long time. Maybe forever, even though this seems to much to hope for. I'm thinking of asking the folks at the 700 Club to pray for me. I would need a miracle to stay pull free forever. My longest stretch was nine months at the beginning of keeping this journal. I look at pictures of myself from then and my hair is just like, allllll over. It was beautiful. Full. Sticking out in all directions. I want that! It was messy, but it was NORMAL. All my hair was the same length.

Baby up. Gotta go. Until next time.

I'm almost three weeks pull free. My hair is feeling good. The only part of my "bad spots" that is still filling in is the part behind my ear where I pulled a quarter sized spot when we were on our "vacation" the last week of March. It still has just fine, fuzzy hairs that really can't be seen yet. Other than that, my bad spots are really filling in. I'm not sure how long this pull free spell will last, I'm just enjoying everyday that it's here. One night I went to bed and realized that I hadn't even THOUGHT about pulling all day. It's so strange. Like I said, sometimes it just comes at the right time.

I'm still struggling to stay on plan with my weight loss. Sometimes I just tell myself that it's okay to stay like this for a while, until the kids are older and I get some time to myself. But is that really okay? Or is it just another lie that I tell myself?

I don't have much else to say tonight. Until next time...

I'm ending my eigth day pull free. Feeling good. My hair hasn't changed much yet. In the bald/thin areas there is a lot of fuzz. But usually it takes a good 4-8 weeks to really feel a difference. I remember from the past that it's about five weeks into that I really start to feel like the wind can blow my hair around and I don't have to worry. I haven't had any close calls the past couple of days. I'm hoping I won't have to fight it much this time. It just seems to be happening at the right time.

Some things have changed with my dad's business that may keep me working at least through the summer. This is nice because I can get Sammie settled in kindergarten before starting my in-home day care. This also gives me enough time to finish my licensing and get my inspection, etc. etc. I'm secretly hoping that things will continue to go well with the business to where I won't HAVE to do the day care, but in my heart I know it would be the best thing for my Dad's business and me to go our separate ways. It's just...taking that last leap that is the hardest. However, I am preparing to do it, and when I'm ready, I will do it. Like diving into cold water on a hot day, at first you're scared, then you do it and your shocked and frozen, but then DAMN that water feels good. :-) I'll be ready.

My husband is finally out of the hospital but is really sick. He has finally decided to quit smoking. He's taking Chantix to help him stop. Not sure how that works...don't really care to know either. Just as long as he quits. Gives us one less thing to argue about. :-) He seems to be wanting to try harder the last few days. I gave in and vented all my frustrations to him and stood like a man and took it all without fighting back. This usually doesn't happen for us. Usually he gets angry and says something really mean and then retreats. This time he just let me say my piece. Not sure what this means for us. We'll see tomorrow I guess. One day at a time.

Today I took Sammie and Jamie on a nature walk. A butterfly landed on Sammie several times, and then ended up letting her carry it around. It was strange...and magical. Seeing Sammie's face...looking at that beautiful butterfly...it's made up for years of sadness that I might have had. It was the most beautiful thing I've seen since the day she was born. Miraculous. I see her growing up and being an animal person and I want to be there and know everything about her...but at the same time, I feel her finding herself and going her own way...and I'm so torn. I hope I never the connection I have with her.

Jamie is learning to talk and is even starting to string two words together to make simple sentences. Sammie didn't talk this well at his age. It's making me realize that even he, in his littleness, is becoming his own person, and how beautiful and scary that is to me at the same time. How is it that I can have such a connection with TWO little people? How on earth will I ever be able to know both of them? I feel that two years of Jamie's life have gone by with my focusing mostly on Sammie...because she is always needing, while Jamie is content to sit back and watch. Realizing this made me cry a little. But then I realized that when Sammie goes to school, it will be just me and Jamie, and then, we can develop that really special connection that can only be brought about by one-on-one time. It will be his turn.

Today was a really good day. My feet didn't hurt as much. I ate two fruits. I drank my water. I ate only two pieces of dark chocolate. I am down 7.6 pounds from last week. (Current weight is 257.6). I don't know if it's just the springtime, but I really feel like the future holds a lot more for me lately.

Until next time.