It's been a long time since I posted anything. I'm sorry for my absence. There has been a lot that has happened since I last posted. I think that last summer I started to make some changes in my life. I started by giving a better home to the pup that I really did love but didn't have time for. This made my home quieter and more relaxed (even though sometimes I really do miss his silly face and warm body). I've also lost my job working for my father, as his business has gone under after years and years of struggle. Now I'm a full time mom. For being something that I had wished for forever, it took some getting used to. I really do feel very blessed most of the time, but other times I am completely burnt out and used up. When I was working I often felt it was okay to have someone else watch the kids while I worked and got caught up on things, but now since it is basically my life and my "job" to watch and raise the kids, I don't feel like it's okay for me to have my mom or someone come and take over for a while. I'm not sure why this is. I think most moms know that at least SOME time away regularly actually makes you a better mom. You're able to gain perspective, think for a while, and come back refreshed. But I have such a hard time accepting this! When I have my mom or someone come over for a while, I feel so lazy and selfish. I do want to stop thinking this way, but it is going to take some time, and it may never happen. :-)

I'm still attending art school online which is very challenging and which I've almost quit three times. :-) The only thing that is really keeping my going right now is the fact that I love learning, and the fact that I have no way of paying back my student loans while I'm jobless, so I might as well keep on learning. I do feel like I have a future as a designer, but I'll never take any job that will take me away from my children too often, even when they're in high school. Of course, I say that now, but ask me again in about ten years and see what I say. :-)

Time does pass all too quickly sometimes. Jamie is about to turn three and Sammie turned six two months ago. How is that POSSIBLE? Looking back, it SEEMS like it's been that long, but at the same time it feels like it's gone like the blink of an eye. Motherhood is such a contradiction in emotion...all the time we want them to grow up and become independent, while at the same time we want to stop them where they are or even go BACK in time to when they were tiny babies. Time is also like a snowball going down a hill...it just keeps going faster with the bigger it gets. Sometimes I wonder how my mind and heart will handle all of these memories and emotions from all the years, but somehow, I handle it. Sometimes I cry and sometimes I even want to stop moving, but somehow I keep going.

I still pull my hair too much. My hair is about 1/3 missing right now. I was pull free last spring and summer up until about November when we realized I was going to lose my job and lose my income. STRESS! So I sadly started pulling again. I really DO want to be pull free. I feel like a failure because I'm not pull free. I'm ready for a pull-free time to come again.

Once I lost my job, we were forced to declare bankruptcy after struggling for a long time. Fortunately we've been able to keep our cars and our house, but it has still been such a hard time. I've always wanted to be accountable for my debt. We made so many mistakes. And I couldn't face the world outside my home and leave my children to get a job. The very idea just broke my heart. Thankfully, praise God, through these trials we've found a way for me to stay home with the kids, which is the best thing for me and them. And I'm so thankful. I can't put into words what it feels like to sit here on a Sunday night knowing that for days and days to come, my responsibilities are only to keep and teach and care for my children, and that will be the majority of my life. It is a blessing. There are so many material things that I can no longer have because of this decision, but I'm grateful that we are in this place now. I have only one pair of jeans, holes in most of my socks, and a broken washing machine, but I know that tomorrow I'll be there when my kids wake up and I'll be there when Sammie gets home from school and I'll be there when they eat the dinner that I made and I'll be there to get them their baths and play with them and put them to be. I'll be there. And isn't that amazing? I'll be there to take Sammie to school every morning and kiss her goodbye and tell her I'll see her off the bus in the afternoon. I'll be there to play with Jamie and watch his favorite movie for the 300th time. I'll be there to take them outside after school and look for signs of spring and maybe dig for worms. There is so much to look forward to.

I guess that sometimes I think that my hair pulling rules my life. But it doesn't have to. Maybe if I just let go and let God, I can be the person that I need to be. With all my hair and everything.

Until next time.

I've been pull-free for so many weeks that I'm not sure how many it's been! I'll have to look back on my journal to know for sure.

Actually, I have pulled about five times during this "pull-free" period. But instead of freaking out about it, I just let it go. Let it be. Didn't focus on it. Picked myself up and started again, realizing that for just a moment I let my guard down and did something I didn't want to do. Put my guard back up. And got ready to enjoy my life again having hair!

My bad spots are 3/4 the length of the rest of my hair now. I look in the mirror and I can't believe it. It doesn't seem real. My hair has grown so fast this summer. I want to get a hair cut. A pretty one. But I'm afraid. Afraid of what the hairdresser might say. Or afraid that my face will look even puffier with less hair. Not sure what to do! I have to think and pray on it for a few days before I can decide.

We had a dog for the past sixteen months...a golden retriever we named Sam. He wasn't an easy dog, being very high energy and fun loving. He grew up and got too big for our small house. Too much energy for our small yard. Needing to much love for my small heart. So I gave him a new home with an elderly man who lost his best friend (a rottweiler) of 14 years. Sam never left this man's side the whole time he was here. And I knew that Sam had found his person. And it hurt, because I wanted to be his person. I could have been, without all these other circumstances. I told him goodbye yesterday, with his big goofy head hanging out the passenger side window of this man's truck. I told him to sit down and be good and just love his new person.

Good bye goliath poos in the backyard. No more of those to clean up. Good bye giant fluff balls of fur. Good bye eating my plants in the backyard in the winter. Good bye gentle brown eyes and dopey smile. Good bye big warm body lying across my legs at night while I"m doing my homework. I think I'll miss that the most.

Until next time.

I'm not sure how long I've been pull free, I'll have to look back in my blog. My hair is feeling pretty good. I don't worry anymore about going in the pool and getting my hair wet. I don't worry about anyone coming over after I take a shower, or about anyone seeing my blow dry my hair. My hair looks pretty scrappy, but my sister cut it for me and it looks much better. I just wish...it would all grow evenly and faster.

Sometimes I worry about how long this pull-free status will last. How many times have I gone pull-free only to start pulling again? I feel scared and less confident. But I was watching a Joyce Meyer DVD with my sister and she was talking about problems and thinking confidently. I really believe that this time "Jesus came by" with healing for my trich...and that I will continue to be pull free. I was ready for a pull free spell, it came to me easily, and now, whether I have to work it, pray it, sweat it, or whatever, I will be pull free for a very long time.

The sun is coming up right now and the sky is exploding with color. I"m going to stop typing and go watch the sun come up and be thankful to the Lord that I'm pull free.
Until next time.