Hard to love yourself
Man, some people.
Even the nicest people can say the darn meanest things. We were walking down the road today- me and Sammy and the dog (Tiny) and our elderly neighbor stopped us while driving by us. We chatted for a minute then she says: "Boy Sammy sure is pudgy!! Wonder where she gets that from?" *insert fake laugh from me and hearty laugh from neighbor*. So today, someone called me pudgy. And Sammy is NOT pudgy, she is healthy and beautiful and sheesh, she's only 20 months old, she's NOT a fashion model. Crimenelly. People are so WEIRD.
No hairs pulled. :-) And hardly any urges. Mostly now I just twirl the little hairs that are growing in. My hair is about 2" long now in the places that I was bald. So I guess my hair is going to get a lot thicker than it looks even now. Just gotta keep on track.
I did another FIRM workout last night- this one was 50 minutes long. I think I almost passed out several times. And there was this one set where you did sit-ups while sitting up onto the angled step thingie (hard to describe). Well, I couldn't fit! I am too looong for that angled step thingie. So I had to do sit-ups on the floor..instead of with my head and neck hanging over the back of an angled step thingie. These girls in the FIRM video must be tiny things. You know the type. 5'5" and about 112 pounds. *hee hee* But they do look beautiful, I must admit. It's just I feel even more...amazon-like while doing the video. I'm 5'11" and 236 pounds for crying out loud. How lithe can I be? :-D Hopefully someday I'll be smaller. But I'll never be lithe. I know that I can love myself eventually, just not right now. Hard to love yourself when you're a giant. Even my own HEAD looks too small for my body. Damn, it's hard to ignore something like THAT. So I have eight workouts to go before I should see "visible results". Ha ha. They better be pretty damn visible. ;-) I do love the FIRM workouts. I love that they are tough enough so that you HAVE to take a day off in between workouts. Feels so much easier! Even if I nearly pass out during. ;-)
I'm twirling my hair as I write this. It's weird that I don't even have an urge at all to pull today. I wonder why? Today has been a pretty relaxing day. I think I'm finally learning to make more decisions for ME...(and for Sammy), anad saying to hell with everyone else. Not always. But I'm doing better. I know I'll never be healed completely. But maybe I'll never have to pull again.
We can always hope.
Until next time. :-)
Posted by Cody on September 21, 2004 7:03 PM
YOU ARE NOT FAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!YOU ARE NOT FAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!YOU ARE NOT FAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!YOU ARE NOT FAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!YOU ARE NOT FAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!YOU ARE NOT FAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!YOU ARE NOT FAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!YOU ARE NOT FAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!YOU ARE NOT FAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!YOU ARE NOT FAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!YOU ARE NOT FAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!YOU ARE NOT FAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!YOU ARE NOT FAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!YOU ARE NOT FAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!YOU ARE NOT FAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!YOU ARE NOT FAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!YOU ARE NOT FAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!YOU ARE NOT FAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Hey there Cody girl!I have to agree with Pilgrim.... YOU ARE NOT FAT!!She oughta know. I don't know why some people have to get their digs in; I have no idea what need of theirs it meets, but it must if they keep acting like they do. Unfortunately it's people we would really like to treat us more kindly.Don't worry about the 'carnie' guy...what the hell do they know anyway? Look at his job? He doesn't know you or care enough or so little about you for his statement to be taken personally. He's just saying what someone told him to say when asked about multiple people in the cars.So keep up your spirits and I'm sure running around after Sarah will keep you exercised out!!Big hugs & Blessings, Judy
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AUTHOR: Cody
DATE: 9/16/2004 01:38:37 PM
Dear Cody,Congrats on not pulling and especially on not dwelling on pulling or not pulling for awhile. I truly commend you for making this change for you. How fun to feel pretty again and let the wind muss your hair and not freak. And I don't think you are kidding yourself about looking good or weight loss.What you said about pulling having been a way to detach is interesting. And I guess since you are feeling so overloaded there's a chance if alternate behavior doesn't help, you might pull again. And I get that you don't want the alternate to be Eating.I started a silly habit of eating sunflower seeds in the afternoon and late evening rather than snacking on other foods. It's a mess to spit out the shells,but other than that sucking on the seeds, cracking the shells, and eating the good stuff and discarding the shells, keeps me from eating other stuff. Now you might not want to do that with Sarah around, cause seeds are choking size. Just a note that perhaps you can find something else to munch or distract with. Other things I do are crop photos to use in scrapbooks, and crochet baby blankets. These take time and attention and are rewarding in the end product.Of course the final thing I do is come here and read your posts and Pilgrims and several others...it does my spirit good to be here and share with y'all!Hugs & Blessings, Judy
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TITLE:
AUTHOR: Cody
DATE: 9/18/2004 08:09:12 PM
DATE: 9/18/2004 09:37:51 PM
P.s. Mom is known for making comments like this. Her opinions on weight need to count for NOTHING, especially when its directed towards one of us. You know what dad said to me when i weighed 100 pounds and stood in front of him in some Lycra exercise clothes (this was 1988)--- "you've still got some flabby spots!" gee THANKS. Mom did not disagree with him.don't even listen to what EITHER one of them say about our weights. they are clueless. Even Carol Ann says so, and its her job, so she oughtta know.
LOL.....um...yeah. thats a good one. "Maybe now we're super intelligent like that guy in Phenomenon"...LOL!!! you funny lady.boy did i need a good laugh today.um... you ding bat... you touched the fridgerator again and got a pop out ANYWAY? geesh. at least I didn't try to unplug the lamp again after I electrocuted myself. Yep, thats why I'M the smart one. ;-P
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TITLE:
AUTHOR: Cody
DATE: 9/16/2004 01:17:12 PM