Day Two
So this is my second day pull free. I think I could very easily fall into the whole pulling pattern again. But I'm fighting it. I heard Dr. Phil tell someone one day that even though she had a compulsive disorder, she could tell herself that "she was a grown woman who could make her own decisions". That's what I tell myself. I don't HAVE to pull. There is no physical need to pull. It's all psychological. I CAN stop myself, as hard as it may be to do that.
I was thinking today how easily I can go back to my old ways. Right now it feels like I never even stopped pulling for 8 or 9 months...or however long that was. It feels like it never even happened...so it really feels like I"m starting over from scratch again. Only with more hair this time.
I remember when I first started pulling, I really didn't think pulling a few hairs here or there would really make a difference. It's funny how dumb I was. By the time I was a senior in high school I was really bald on the top and top/sides and didn't even know it. It was weird. Then one day, at a concert, this one dumb kid kept staring at my head and made a comment about me being partially bald on top. I felt humiliated and stupid, and just pretty darn mad. That's when I was able to cut down on the pulling... at least until I went to college and that's when things got really bad.
But anyways, today was a good day. This time I'm going to count the days to see how long I really go without pulling. Because this time I know it's just a matter of time. It never really goes away..it's always there waiting for me to let my guard down. Waiting to hook me all over again.
Until next time.
Posted by Cody on April 16, 2005 7:29 PM
Oh Honey, I'm so sorry you find yourself feeling so bad you want to pull and have pulled again.
No you aren't perfect, NO ONE IS. Is it the stress over doubts that you are a good mother to Sammy? You can trash that reason, from what I've heard and seen in pics, you are a wonderful mother. You love her, she feels safe with you, and she knows she belongs with you and she trusts you...you are a GOOD MOM. Or about pressure from W about having another child? I wrote about being a single mom to my one and only Jen (now 19) and I wouldn't trade the connection she and I have for the world. I know I would love other kids, I love my step kids, BUT Jen and I have this bond and connection and friendship even while keeping Mother and Daughter roles distinct (pre-teen & teen year issues). I know you feel this same bond to Sammy....if you decide it, then She is enough, and she will thrive. If you decide to have another child, you'll do the best you can which is really good and you'll love the new baby as much and both of them will thrive. What is it that has had you pull so much just lately??? Post here or email me. I CARE about you.
Hugs and Blessings, Love Judy