I also wanted to add in regards to my marriage

Thank you to everyone who posted advice for me. I was so moved by what I read that it was hard for me to not cry (I do not usually cry in front of anyone, my sister is the only exception and even that is really really hard for me to let go of).

I really do hope that my weblog helps a lot of you. I really don't feel as though I can help anyone, I feel like I'm just sharing my thoughts and experiences, since this is the only place that I can do it. it's a great release for me. And the fact that it might help someone else is a real bonus to me. And I'm so appreciative of that.

Thank you to everyone for the kind words.

In regards to my husband: Most everything we own is in my name, so that is to my benefit. His vehicle, my vehicle, etc. With our credit cards, most have been sent in my name and I've actually had to call and have him added to the account. So, that is good for me...knowing that I'M the one who received the credit card and I can remove him if needed. I have three accounts set up only in my name: "Our" savings, an IRA, and a CD. These items would total about $3,000+ (enough to get by for a couple months). SO, I feel that if anything came up, I could survive on my own. I've always wanted it this way, even when I loved him.

When I loved him. I've never said that before I don't think. I think sometimes, I miss loving him. I miss the things we shared together when I felt good about us being together. But, what is really sad, is that there is no way to ever go back. There's no return...I can't erase the hurtful things that were said and done. I can't change the ways that he's treated me. We can never go back to the way things used to be. And that, is probably Item #3 in the TOP TEN SADDEST THINGS OF MY LIFE SO FAR list.

As far as me being conditioned to his abuse: I think this is true. Some things I truly just don't notice anymore. He is unkind to me, at least 90% of the time. He never passes up an oppurtunity to be unkind. I'm not fearful of him hurting me physically, or of him hurting Sammy physically. I can probably kick his ass since I outweigh him by 50 pounds. Something that is strange about me is that I am extremely quick to defend myself physically. Sounds crazy, but in that respect, I really do know my own strength. So, no, I don't worry about him strangling me or doing anything like that. But I DO worry about him catching me off guard, as in with the purse incident.

As far as me being an open person: I can be. But I"m not with him , or really anybody else. It mostly just comes out here. But he really knows very little about me. And what is sadder than that: He doesn't really care. It's like that one country song about the singer who's girlfriend left.

"Her eyes were blue, her hair was blond
in '64 she was born in Baton Rouge
Her father's tall
Her mother's gone....

I knew her books, her cars, her clothes....but I paid no attention to what mattered most."

he didn't know anything about what his girl really cared about. My husband knows even less than that. Just a week ago he turned to me and said: "You like the color blue right? Or is it yellow? What is your favorite color?" We've been married eight years.

I can romanticize these things and say stuff like : "A woman's heart is a deep ocean of secrets". But, it would be really nice if he at least knew my favorite color. Knew my favorite movie. Knew what things scare me and what things make me happy.

But I'll never have that. I only had that kind of relationship with my first boyfriend when life was innocent and I didn't really know how to hide who I was. He still is the only man who ever really knew me. Even when we reunited eight years after our break-up, he knew me. I sure messed up that one....two weeks later I met and became engaged to my DH. But that's another story for another time. Or maybe never.

I think that I have a core belief that tells me that no man will ever be good to me forever. Because I don't deserve it and because men just AREN'T like that. Any man would come to dislike me sooner or later, once they spend enough time with me. That's one of my core beliefs. I'm not sure why. I don't analyze it much.

So, thanks to everyone who posted. I can't really say how much your posts affected me. "Thank you" doesn't seem to be enough, but thank you anyways.

Posted by Cody on March 8, 2006 10:32 AM