New baby and still pulling

My son is now two weeks old as of today. It's amazing how slowly and how quickly two weeks can really go by. It feels like ten years have passed.

I've been handling things well but feeling really floaty and spaced out...and just, not like myself. I think I need to learn who this new person is that I'm trying to be, so I can gradually grow into her skin. Whoever this new me is, she's very confident and easy going with Sammy and Jamie. It's almost as though a new me was born at the same time as Jamie. I'm just not afraid anymore. I feel like maybe I conquered my worst fear...and now, almost nothing scares me anymore.

The hardest part of all this was my first week post-partum. I was very floaty and out of it, and very irritable. But the worst part was that I forgot Sammy was my baby. How can I explain this? I felt irritated by her, like she was out of control and I just wanted to be away from her. I hated that feeling. But I fought against it and after about five days of feeling that way, I cried while watching her sleep and the next morning everything felt alright....and even better than ever. I feel like Sammy and I are close again...though I miss the days when it was just me and her. I long for those days like I used to long for my pre-mommy days. Not that I would ever trade Jamie for anything...he is wonderful and perfect and patient. But now the days that are pre-Jamie seem so easy and fun. Now everything is once again scheduled around feedings and diaper changes and how much sleep I managed to get last night. :-) But that'll change too. Before I know it, this time will fly by...and in a sad way too, because there is not a doubt in my heart that Jamie is my last baby. I knew it the minute he was born. I just said to myself "I'm done". I know I can never do the pregnancy or the labor ever again. No matter how easy it was! My mind just can't take it again...and I don't think my body can either. I want to give everything I've got to these TWO children...and no more. There just isn't room for any more in my heart. I love these two children too much.

My DH behaved as expected through all of this...completely self-absorbed and only worrying about himself and how nervous/stressed/tired HE was the whole time. I think I handled that well. I just told myself that I COULDN'T have him. That I would need to completely depend on myself. And I did. I feel very separate from him now...like I don't need him at all. I don't feel negative towards him either.. I just feel...blank. Like there is nothing left in my for him. Which is okay with me! He really doesn't deserve to have any part of me. Especially after how he acted during the past two weeks.

I think the part of my new life that I enjoy the most is sleeping at night with my two babies. Sammy sleeps on one side of me and Jamie sleeps on the other. It's so peaceful. It's the only good way to get any decent sleep with a newborn and a three year old! :-)

My weight has already come down significantly. I was so horribly bloated while pregnant...my last recorded weight was 297. God it's so scary seeing that number on the screen. That is almost 300 pounds. Too scary to even digest in my mind. However, the scale is already down to 263 which is only 15 pounds above my start weight. It'll be interesting to see where the scale is at in four weeks when I'm able to start Weight Watchers again.

Well, my mind is floating away again and I can't seem to concentrate. I'm anxious for life to start feeling "real" again...but I know it'll come in bits and pieces until it's back in full. I just have to be patient. I'm taking 20 mg of Prozac a day...something I wish I would have started a long time ago! I can't imagine how good I'll feel when it really kicks in. I don't think I'll ever want to go off of it. Maybe it'll even help with the pulling eventually. We'll see.

That's all until next time.

Posted by Cody on May 23, 2006 9:41 AM