Pulling like crazy
I've been pulling like crazy tonight. I didn't pull at all yesterday and I was hopeful that today would be just as easy. But, it wasn't. I caved in...again. I'm not sure what exactly is setting me off. I think it's a combination of things.
Today the doctor's office called my husband and told him that based on his CAT scan and ultrasound results, he should cancel his training classes scheduled next week in another city (a few hours away) and bump up his "scope test". (They will check out his bladder and get samples of the "spots" they see there during the "scope"). They bumped it from late February to next Thursday. My husband is pretty scared. Me- I'm just angry. I'm so freaking pissed off. He is just so stupid for not taking care of himself. And now he wants me to feel sorry for him? Fat fucking chance. I'm so pissed right now. Here are a couple of reasons why:
1. I told him that, depending on his results after Thursday, he may want to change some things about how he takes care of himself. Example A: QUIT SMOKING. His reply: "My nerves are already shot." In other words: "I can't quit smoking, I will be too uncomfortable." He won't quit drinking pop. He won't take a daily vitamin. He won't eat better. Because he doesn't want to be uncomfortable. He would rather suffer and die of (possibly) cancer than just start taking care of himself? That is so f-ing STUPID! (But you know what? There's nothing I can do about it.)
2. In some words, he expressed the idea that I will be taking care of his mom and disabled brother after he dies. How can I do this, be a singled widowed mother of two, take care of a household, and run my father's business as well? HOW CAN I BE EXPECTED TO DO THAT? I told him in plain words that I don't think I can do it. That they would have to move back with his sister. He got mad at me. (To be expected). I am so hurt that he thinks I should take all of that on.
My GOD what has become of my life. In all my imaginations and expectations, I would have never thought ten years ago that I would end up HERE. :-(
I feel sorry for him. I feel bad that he is frightened and nervous. I know that he wants me to care for him like a wife should care for her husband but I CAN'T. All those feelings in me for him are GONE. They've been destroyed. I can't turn them on again. It's just OVER. I can't give him what he needs. But I care for him as one human being for another. I can't stop that. I wish I could make him healthy, but I can't do a damn thing is he's not willing to help himself.
I'm just so ticked off.
I don't know what to do with myself tonight. I"m feeling restless
and confined and agitated. Like I'm dragging my old tin coffee cup over the bars of my prison cell. Let me out dammit.
Before Prince died, I prayed that he would die soon so that it would be over. I just wanted it to be over. I wanted his pain and mine to end. I feel so guilty for admitting this now. I feel like I never should have prayed that. It was so selfish. But now I pray that for my husband. I just want it to end. I'm tired of his suffering and of my wanting what I can't have.
I think I'm going to go do a workout for a while. I need a healthy outlet for this frustration.
Until next time.
Posted by Cody on January 12, 2007 7:22 PM
My God..........
First of all I want to comment on how organized and rational your thought processing is! Secondly- yeah it is surprising you are where you are, being you obviously have a generous triple digit IQ. The only WAY to have navigated to here is an EXTREMELY LOW SELF IMAGE. You have even managed to throw in a pinch of well phrased HUMOR. You obviously are not ordinary.
Your husband is a "evian elohssa" (basically niave asshole)! I have a saying, well actually two - 1- 1/4 of the information is lost when the X chromosome becomes the Y. (if you look at the letter images alone this measurement is quite accurate) 2-take the I (both actually and figuratively) out of Married what are you left with? MARRED. 1/2of1%(vertially never) the female sex and color blindness. One out of 7 men are color blind (I found this out factually when TAing in a college chemistry lab conducting the identificat of flame colors resulting in igniting various chemical compounds - it was bizzarrely common mostly in the red orange and blue green areas). This is one of many explanations for the resulting phenomena called the Male of our species. I saw several items in the past about how men are wired (1st from the man that wrote men are from mars, women venus) This information led ME to a point of acceptance, in that We/Women need to get real about getting a recipricated response from our mates. They don't have the light bulbs to light up and we need to seek REALISTIC sources for some of our needs.
Your husband is an oaf! AND the glaringly frustrating fact that gets us and keeps us in our fate of still only possessing 1% of the worlds wealth in spite of the fact we out number them and out live them is that we (by the wiring of raising children)percieve despite all of their foibles -factually that in their own way as much as they are capable, love us. and yours is (I know this is bizzare) by bequeathing his family burdens on you is giving you a compliment. Sucks huh?!
Stick to scientific method release and remove emotions. And deal with yourself fairly.
Don't become road kill! Easier said than done. But remember (and I am sticking with it -SMethod) when I say you are inately more clever and kind! Extend these realities to yourself.
I will not go into it but I have gotten some long earned rewards for this dogged methodology of late.
also remember you are not alone!!