A dollar and seventeen cents
My daughter paid me a dollar and seventeen cents today because she acted so bad when we went to McD's for lunch. She was loud and rambunctious and just plain not listening. She usually isn't like that at all. I'm not sure what was going on or why she was acting like that. But this $1.17 has broken my heart and I feel like I am falling apart. It's the drop of water that has overflowed the dam. I'm so tired of detaching from my feelings and living in a world where I feel nothing, and express nothing except love and happiness. But I don't know how to stop. I don't know where to go from here. I don't even know what I need anymore or what I can do to change the way that things are. I'm so caught up in the momentum of day to day living this way that I can't seem to say "STOP!".
I'm still pulling my hair. I've been pulling since Christmas now I think? My hair doesn't look as good as it did. I've haven't had any sprees in the past three weeks, but I still pull at least 25 hairs a day. Today I've already pulled three. Previous to this month, I was pulling like crazy and didn't feel like I could stop. I hate that feeling.
What seems to be bothering me the most lately is my weight. I went back to WW this week. I was down six pounds from the first week of November, when I last weighed. I felt good about that! So what did I do this week? BLEW IT. Not today though. Today I have 22 Points left and I've already eaten lunch and I don't feel hungry yet. Today is going to be a good day. I want to be thin again so bad. I want to wake up tomorrow morning feeling thinner instead of fatter.
Overall, I want to stop feeling like my life is not in my control. A list of things I'm unhappy with:
1. I am not pursuing my art. Instead I work a dead-end job for my father's dying business.
2. I let my husband push me around. I want to be in an equal marriage.
3. I don't have any time for myself. I give more than I have and in the end, there's nothing left. There's a deficit.
I"m not sure how to resolve these things. I think number 3 will resolve itself over the next few years. I'm hoping that I will gradually keep having more pull-free episodes and eventually my pulling will just kind of disappear.
Well, I'm rambling now.
Until next time.
Posted by Cody on February 16, 2007 10:29 AM