June 9, 2007

Tonight is not the best night but I'm not pulling

Which is really just...weird. I think once I reach a certain stage of distress, I stop trying to relieve myself at all with my destructive habits like pulling my hair and overeating. I just stop trying to do anything. I wonder why this is? I pull when I'm happy, I pull when I'm sad, but when I'm completely on the edge of something terrible, I don't even have the urge to pull at all.

Today my DH threated divorce. He claims he will see a lawyer on Monday. I didn't cry or beg him to stay or anything. I just said "okay". He can do what he feels he needs to do. I just can't....feel anything else other than that.

It's useless to talk about what happened before he made these statements, as we always have the same arguments. The same issues. Always always. Nothing is ever going to change. EVER.

But my worst fear is that he will take my babies away from me. They are all that I have that is real to me, and I'm so afraid he'll take them. Today he threated to take them and not tell me where he was going or when he would be back. I told that really scared me, that I felt it was threatening, and that I would call the police. He said he should do the same because today I took the kids out to eat and to a park and shopping (gone for three hours total) without taking my cell phone and without telling him I was going. How would the police react if he called them and told them this? That a mother took her children out to lunch and to play all afternoon? I feel they would laugh in his face...does anyone else think this? The very idea was so ridiculous.

I don't know what to think or do anymore. I'm so tired of being fat that if it weren't for my still nursing Jamie, I would go to drastic measures to lose this weight. In a year I may try something drastic. Until then, I have to be at least a little bit sensible.

Sammie is sleeping in her own bed tonight. I've decided there must be something wrong with me because I don't feel like going to bed without her there with me. This is something I"m just going to have to get used to I guess. I think that I don't really miss sleeping next to her, I just miss her being a baby, and having her warm little body pressed up against mine with her little legs draped over mine. Hearing her giggle those little baby giggles in her sleep. That's what I miss. And her moving out of my bed simply confirms that I"ll never have that little baby body pressed against me ever again. I miss it very much.

For now I still have Jamie, but given his personality, he will probably be sleeping in his own bed in 6 months to a year. What on earth would I do with my bed all to myself again? It's funny when you spend all this time wishing they would grow up and then all of sudden, you wish they would stop growing up.

Until next time.

Posted by Cody on June 9, 2007 8:47 PM


Hm... I think that yah, he's certifiably insane now. Since we've been e-mailing about this tonight, I'll leave it about that since I've been all preachy at you all day.

Interesting that you have just tonight "decided" there is something wrong with you for wanting to sleep next to Sammie. Til tonight you considered it the right thing to do. And you have some good reasons for thinking that. So maybe she's growing out of it or getting a little big for the bed, perhaps, I dont know. But, it looks from here (across the country) that your decision has more to do with the awful events that have gone on today and less about YOU/ your personality. So before judging yourself so harshly, maybe consider why you've changed your mind so fast. Because HONESTLY THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU.
You're just having an extra crappy day on top of the crappy time you've been having lately.
Oh and by the way, if you ever really want to know if there's something wrong with you or if you're crazy, I consider MYSELF the one who is allowed to let you know because I'm your sister. So, instead of your DH or your parents being the ones to decide your mental health (heeee, or YOU either), I think I'm pretty qualified since I have lived with you longer and I know you better. So. Let DH call you crazy all he wants. If I think you're not crazy, you're not crazy. Really. Take it from big sisters everywhere. We just KNOW. If you're crazy about anything, its some of the weird music you listen to, and thats about it.

BTW, CALL ME TODAY even if only for a few minutes.

Cody, I am a 29 year old mother of 4. I have pulled since I was 13. Your story is so painfully similar to mine, I can't believe it. I do however, have a husband who tries his best. I feel equally as overwhelmed by being at home with my kids and the whole "being everything to everyone" thing. I want to quit sometimes and run away....I love my kids too much. I have been thinking of getting hair extensions, don't know if that will help my pain/self loathing at all...we'll see. Thanks for your posts, it's nice to know someone else feels the same. Also-I'm sorry about your "dh", I hope things go the way you need them to.

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