Tonight is not the best night but I'm not pulling
Which is really just...weird. I think once I reach a certain stage of distress, I stop trying to relieve myself at all with my destructive habits like pulling my hair and overeating. I just stop trying to do anything. I wonder why this is? I pull when I'm happy, I pull when I'm sad, but when I'm completely on the edge of something terrible, I don't even have the urge to pull at all.
Today my DH threated divorce. He claims he will see a lawyer on Monday. I didn't cry or beg him to stay or anything. I just said "okay". He can do what he feels he needs to do. I just can't....feel anything else other than that.
It's useless to talk about what happened before he made these statements, as we always have the same arguments. The same issues. Always always. Nothing is ever going to change. EVER.
But my worst fear is that he will take my babies away from me. They are all that I have that is real to me, and I'm so afraid he'll take them. Today he threated to take them and not tell me where he was going or when he would be back. I told that really scared me, that I felt it was threatening, and that I would call the police. He said he should do the same because today I took the kids out to eat and to a park and shopping (gone for three hours total) without taking my cell phone and without telling him I was going. How would the police react if he called them and told them this? That a mother took her children out to lunch and to play all afternoon? I feel they would laugh in his face...does anyone else think this? The very idea was so ridiculous.
I don't know what to think or do anymore. I'm so tired of being fat that if it weren't for my still nursing Jamie, I would go to drastic measures to lose this weight. In a year I may try something drastic. Until then, I have to be at least a little bit sensible.
Sammie is sleeping in her own bed tonight. I've decided there must be something wrong with me because I don't feel like going to bed without her there with me. This is something I"m just going to have to get used to I guess. I think that I don't really miss sleeping next to her, I just miss her being a baby, and having her warm little body pressed up against mine with her little legs draped over mine. Hearing her giggle those little baby giggles in her sleep. That's what I miss. And her moving out of my bed simply confirms that I"ll never have that little baby body pressed against me ever again. I miss it very much.
For now I still have Jamie, but given his personality, he will probably be sleeping in his own bed in 6 months to a year. What on earth would I do with my bed all to myself again? It's funny when you spend all this time wishing they would grow up and then all of sudden, you wish they would stop growing up.
Until next time.
Posted by Cody on June 9, 2007 8:47 PM