101st entry on the blog...wish I could be free of trich to celebrate

It's been a long time since I posted. Things feel strange. I feel detached and wish that I didn't. I haven't been pulling much that I'm aware of...but the left side of my head has a minor bald spot with thin hair all around it. I must have pulled enough to make that spot, but I'm not sure when I did it. I want to be pull-free. I want my hair back. I want to feel proud of myself. Today I pulled about seven hairs. That's not too bad, I don't think. I don't have any urges to pull right now.

I viewed the secrets at Post Secret tonight and two of them really bothered me. One was a video where the man in it was talking about a scar on his lip. I wonder how he got that scar and why he doesn't want to know, and why he couldn't see the scar until recently. I wonder if he was abused as a child. His video was really sad.

Another person wrote a postcard that said: "When I was 17 I smacked my 12 month old son. He died two months later. I'm 49 now. I'm so sorry Billy". Reading that card just broke my heart. That poor, poor woman. I'm not sure if it hurt so much to read it because Jamie is so close in age or not. I can't imagine losing a child that way.

I'm so grateful for my children. They are both so challenging, as I'm sure all kids are. Sometimes I'm so desperate to get away for a few hours and just get back in touch with myself. But it's not possible for me to do something like that right now. I don't feel it's safe to leave them with my parents, and it's not a good idea to leave them with DH either since he has trouble dealing with them. Sammie is great at almost five (FIVE!) years old, but she has a lot of needs and wants a lot of attention. Heck, she's always gotten tons of attention ever since she was born. Who can blame her? And Jamie is SO attached to me. If I want to leave him somewhere, I have to sneak out. About five minutes later he'll come looking for me. I love them so much. But sometimes getting away feels good, and I come back feeling more energetic and ready for marathon-mommying again.

Tonight was a bit of a bad night. Jamie was playing around in bed when he was supposed to be sleeping, and I was laying down with him, when he head-butted me right on the browbone and I felt like it chipped my skull. It hurt so bad I couldn't help but cry. Then I started crying about everything...no time to myself, my weight, the loss of Prince, my failed marriage, etc. etc. It was like a waterfall of tears. Sammie hung by me, got me a Band-Aid, and rubbed my arm until she fell back to sleep. But I think I could have cried for a couple of hours. It took Jamie a few more minutes to fall asleep. Then I just lay there...staring at the ceiling. Wondering what the hell has become of me. Wondering why I can't just be content to be a mom. Wondering why there is nowhere "safe" enough to leave my children. Wondering why I go to bed each night with a guilty heart. I want to be good enough. Just for one night.

I wonder why I'm scared for my children. Why I'm overprotective and just downright weird sometimes. I wonder why there is lots of memories from my childhood where there is a "blackout" in my memory. Why I don't consider my parents to be "safe". Truth is, they're not safe. Whatever happened to my sister, and I don't think either one of us is sure what happened yet, it happened because of my parents. And leopards don't change their stripes. My children could very much be in danger. And it only takes a minute. A minute without me there. I think that creates a lot of stress, naturally. Maybe I should just accept it as part of my life and stop scrutinizing it so much. Stop wondering what happened in the past. Yes, something probably happened back then. In fact, lots of things probably happened back then. Why tear myself up trying to remember? Now isn't the time to remember, and something in my brain protects me. I should just let it. Put my energy into protecting my kids instead.

I still think about running away sometimes. Like to Montana, Sasketchawan, or New Zealand. (These are just a few examples). :-) I wonder what that would be like. It would tear my kids apart to leave everything though. They love their grammas. They do love their daddy in lots of ways. I just don't think I could rip them apart from all of this. It would be too hard. So all my promises of getting the hell out of here someday are destined to be broken. I just can't follow through. I'm sorry.

This time of year always gets a little touchy anyways. It was on December 19th that I lost my first baby in a really painful and unexpectedc miscarriage. It happened while I was on vacation and far away from civilization. I was so scared. So, whenever this time of year rolls around, I think about that baby. I think about standing on the beach, looking at the stars, with my arms crossed over my chest. I couldn't cry then. I was too confused and scared. So every year, I cry a little to make up for the crying I didn't do then. I want to go back to that beach. Except this time I would grab a hold of someone, anyone, and just let it all go and let them know how much I was hurting. It still hurts. I think that someday, when I'm old and all that, I'll end up in heaven. The first thing I would like to do is walk down a beach and see a little girl or boy walking towards me in the distance. Maybe then I'll get a chance to hug them.

I told you I get a little strange this time of year.

Well, there's always lots to do here at night when the kids are sleeping. I have to get all caught up on the "me" time. Until next time everyone. Pull-free vibes to all of you.

Posted by Cody on December 9, 2007 7:19 PM