I try not to touch my hair too much because that leads to desire. I also try to not run my hands through my hair looking for loose hairs anymore. This should equal pulling...I think it does almost as much damage. My eyelashes have really taken a beating. I'm only one day pull free on eyelashes. I want to stop attacking them as a substitute for attacking my hair.

My son turned two last week. I wonder how time can go by so quickly. I already forget what it was like to have that sweet, cuddly little baby boy. He is still sweet and cuddly, but the little is quickly becoming history! He repeats the words that I say all the time, and is a much better talker than Sammie was at his age. It's fun, but also frustrating at times, because I can't always understand what he's trying to say. Frustrating for both of us! But he is so sweet and loving...but quickly becomiung "all boy". He has a taste for guns and hitting and screaming and throwing things. This is new to me as Sammie never really enjoyed those kinds of things. I mean, he was clapping while watching Terminator 2 tonight. THAT is all boy.

Sammie is doing great and I love her so much. I worry about her all the time. I can't seem to stop trying to cure my past by overcompensating with her. I don't ever want her to feel lonely or left out. But I really believe that is my problem and not hers. My experiences, and not hers. But I can't seem to stop. I hover. I over do it. I wear myself out constantly. I'm trying to take baby steps to stop this. She is such a busy girl that I often find myself exhausted and worried that she isn't getting enough attention, etc. I wonder if things will be easier when she goes to kindergarten. I think they will be. It's hard to imagine though. How will I spend my day, knowing that my little girl is in someone else's charge for six hours? Doing her own thing. Experiencing things without me being there to protect her. It scares me. I fear her being hurt. Lonely. Rejected. But those are my issues from the past and not necesarily something I can expect for her. I just can't seem to let myself feel good about letting Sammie go out in the world.

I am still over eating on a pretty regular basis. I have to admit that I've given up. I don't like going out, especially around my family, because I don't like to be seen. I want to disappear, but my body does the exact opposite. I want so bad to be thin, but I just can't seem to make myself so what needs to be done. Food is filling voids for me right now that I can't find alternatives for. I'm hoping that, just like my trich, a better time will come to me. If I just wait for the right time, I'll KNOW it's the right time, and almost like magic I won't need food so much anymore. I'll make the healthier choices without thinking twice. Say no thank you to cake without feeling like I'm being deprived. Stay up at night to get my work done without sitting down and eating first. I hope that time comes soon. I weigh 255 and I'm gunning for 300.

Until next time.

I am in the process of growing out my hair after a really horrid hair cut, so my hair looks pretty funky. I think if I lighten the roots, it would help a lot. The ends of my hair are dry and need a hot oil treatment. I still like to look through my hair to find the split ends and snap those off. I sometimes live for my evenings alone when I can sit in the lamplight and snap split ends with no distraction. I really get into the zone. I don't think this does a lot of damage, although I probably shouldn't do it. Right now though, I'm just happy to not be pulling. There isn't a whole lot of change in my bad spots, just that they are all filled in now. The hair is still slick and downy, so there is still a lot of growing to do.

I'm hoping that this pull free time will last a long long time. Maybe forever, even though this seems to much to hope for. I'm thinking of asking the folks at the 700 Club to pray for me. I would need a miracle to stay pull free forever. My longest stretch was nine months at the beginning of keeping this journal. I look at pictures of myself from then and my hair is just like, allllll over. It was beautiful. Full. Sticking out in all directions. I want that! It was messy, but it was NORMAL. All my hair was the same length.

Baby up. Gotta go. Until next time.

I'm still struggling to stay on plan with my weight loss. Sometimes I just tell myself that it's okay to stay like this for a while, until the kids are older and I get some time to myself. But is that really okay? Or is it just another lie that I tell myself?

I don't have much else to say tonight. Until next time...

Some things have changed with my dad's business that may keep me working at least through the summer. This is nice because I can get Sammie settled in kindergarten before starting my in-home day care. This also gives me enough time to finish my licensing and get my inspection, etc. etc. I'm secretly hoping that things will continue to go well with the business to where I won't HAVE to do the day care, but in my heart I know it would be the best thing for my Dad's business and me to go our separate ways. It's just...taking that last leap that is the hardest. However, I am preparing to do it, and when I'm ready, I will do it. Like diving into cold water on a hot day, at first you're scared, then you do it and your shocked and frozen, but then DAMN that water feels good. :-) I'll be ready.

My husband is finally out of the hospital but is really sick. He has finally decided to quit smoking. He's taking Chantix to help him stop. Not sure how that works...don't really care to know either. Just as long as he quits. Gives us one less thing to argue about. :-) He seems to be wanting to try harder the last few days. I gave in and vented all my frustrations to him and stood like a man and took it all without fighting back. This usually doesn't happen for us. Usually he gets angry and says something really mean and then retreats. This time he just let me say my piece. Not sure what this means for us. We'll see tomorrow I guess. One day at a time.

Today I took Sammie and Jamie on a nature walk. A butterfly landed on Sammie several times, and then ended up letting her carry it around. It was strange...and magical. Seeing Sammie's face...looking at that beautiful butterfly...it's made up for years of sadness that I might have had. It was the most beautiful thing I've seen since the day she was born. Miraculous. I see her growing up and being an animal person and I want to be there and know everything about her...but at the same time, I feel her finding herself and going her own way...and I'm so torn. I hope I never the connection I have with her.

Jamie is learning to talk and is even starting to string two words together to make simple sentences. Sammie didn't talk this well at his age. It's making me realize that even he, in his littleness, is becoming his own person, and how beautiful and scary that is to me at the same time. How is it that I can have such a connection with TWO little people? How on earth will I ever be able to know both of them? I feel that two years of Jamie's life have gone by with my focusing mostly on Sammie...because she is always needing, while Jamie is content to sit back and watch. Realizing this made me cry a little. But then I realized that when Sammie goes to school, it will be just me and Jamie, and then, we can develop that really special connection that can only be brought about by one-on-one time. It will be his turn.

Today was a really good day. My feet didn't hurt as much. I ate two fruits. I drank my water. I ate only two pieces of dark chocolate. I am down 7.6 pounds from last week. (Current weight is 257.6). I don't know if it's just the springtime, but I really feel like the future holds a lot more for me lately.

Until next time.

BUt I am almost five days pull free. I feel like this pull-free spree will last a long time. I feel confident for the first time in a long time.

Now if I just had the energy to concentrate on my eating. :-) I'm hoping to make a fresh start tomorrow morning (but not eat myself to death in the mean time either.) I developed the photos from our vacation and I just can't BELIEVE it is ME in those photos. But it still doesn't sink in. It doesn't compute. I don't understand. I can't seem to make myself SEE reality. Why is that? Because it's easier to just keep eating and numb my frustrations.

At least I'm pull free. And my kids are happy. :-) And I love them. Right now, that seems to be all I need. Everything else in its own time.

I am still pulling but not as much. Usually in the spring time I'm able to go through a pull-free spell. As the weather warms up, I feel much more relaxed and ready to try again. It's been a long time since I was pull free. Maybe I'll try tomorrow. Last night I pulled about 11 hairs from the top while I was in bed getting Jamie to sleep.

Things seem to be always rolling along here. Just when I think we are at the brink of some disaster (financial, marriage, sickness, etc.), something comes along to save me. I know it must be God watching out for me. My kiddos are doing so well. Sammie is fun to be with, even with all her demands and energy. At five years old, she has an interesting view point on the world that I always want to know more about. But with Jamie about :-), who will be two in a few weeks, I don't always get to spend the time that I would like to with Jamie. And she goes to kindergarten in five months. I worry about that. I worry about what she will eat for lunch...will I pack or get her a hot lunch? Will she like her classmates? Will her teacher give her the attention that she wants but is afraid sometimes to ask for? How will she deal with being away from home for 6+ hours every day? It will be a new part of our lives...an establishment of a "new normal". And I"m really going to miss her. Not just the five year old her, but the baby and toddler that she was that I will never, never, be able to have back again. And I think that is what hurts the most. As for Jamie, my cuddly little boy, I'll still have him at home. It's funny though, in the beginning I wondered how I would be able to do it with two kiddos. Now I wonder how I will function with only one. Life is strange. :-)

My job is on the rocks because of the economy. In some ways, I'm ready to quit and move on with becoming a home daycare provider. But in other ways, I"m not ready to give up the freedom that I've enjoyed for the past (almost) ten years. However, I think a change is in the air. I"m not sure what, but I know I'll be ready when it comes. It would be better for me to not work for my father anymore. I need that separation from mother and father, and I need to show them that I can exist without their support.

My glimmer of hope, as far as work and finances goes, is that I can graduate as early as Fall 2011 with my current schedule. Sounds like a long way off, but really that is only 3.5 years. Jamie will be going to kindergarten then, but I still hope to get a Graphic Design position to work from home, whether full time or free lancing. I hope these types of jobs become more common during the next three years. I really believe that they will! I don't feel, at this time, that I want to pursue a career outside of my home. Because if my kids needed to be home from school, I can't have my mom watching them with my father lurking about (as he will still be self-employed). So who could I trust to watch them? Again, no one. So I will HAVE to find a way to be home. I mean, I could probably trust a sitter at that time, but I've never had to do that before, and I don't know how available someone would be or how much it would cost. :-)

My health is a problem right now. We went on vacation which involved a lot of driving and then walking in theme parks. I think that my body has some kind of crisis because I started retaining so much water. I had headaches and backaches and leg aches and foot aches. My plantar fasciitis is killing. I also noticed after vacation that each of my toenails has a teensy bruise on the bottom of the nail. I think my blood pressure went wonky. Scary. I also weighed myself and I weigh 265.2, which is a gain of almost 24 pounds this year. The cycle repeats itself....the same way it did when Sammie was about to be two years old. And I have failed to stop it. I'm not sure what to do. I find it difficult to find time to exercise with the two kiddos home. At night I have coursework to do most of the time, and sometimes am too exhausted to do that. But something much change. If it doesn't I'll die. Some days I am so exhausted and full of physical pain that I feel like I'm already dying. I know that it is mostly due to my weight, but I can't seem to make the internal image of me match the external image. Inside my brain I feel healthy and strong, but reality doesn't match that.

I have to keep trying. I'm doing Weight Watchers online, but seem to have failed at that already...I am 1.5 points over my allowance for the week and the week started on Monday. What keeps me eating? What need am I filling? "If hunger is not the question, then food is not the answer". But for me, food is often the answer.

I promise to keep trying. If anyone still reads this journal, I promise it to you. I won't give up.

Until next time.

I am still pulling my hair out. I pull maybe 5-35 hairs a day, depending on the day. It doesn't seem to have any rhythm or rhyme to it. I want to stop, truly I do. I just don't have the energy to put into it right now. Today I pulled a lot of eyelashes. I haven't pulled so many in a long time, and I feel a little guilty about it. But at least I was able to stop.

Today I went and saw a new counselor who can hopefully help me with these family and marriage issues I am having. He seemed really nice. Too bad I was so nervous that I can't even remember his name. My DH went with me, since we are supposed to be working on our marriage. No surprise that he dominated the session. Thankfully the therapist saw through that and suggested that next time we do a split session starting with me. I think he wants to know more about ME since I am the one who signed up.

Yesterday DH threatened that if I called to make an appointment at the therapist, he would call an attorney right after. I didn't let it stop me. I was on the edge of crazy anyways, may as well go all the way. I've been pushing him to the edge of his threats lately, to see if he will follow through. He doesn't. His bark is way worse than his bite. But, I suppose that doesn't stop it from hurting.

After this point, I wanted to go to Weight Watchers. He wasn't going to let me take the kids with me. He felt I was a flight risk. ARGh. I left anyways. He called me four times while I was gone.

At Weight Watchers, I weighed in at 254.6. I've gained weight. I've gained ten pounds back. I think that I knew I had gained some weight, but not that much. Now I need to find a way to pay for the meetings. I'm going to call our insurance to see if it will pay some. I would think that it would. We'll see. Anything would help! I wish I could ask for sponsors. I know that this time I'm going to stick with it. I can't keep going like this. It's wrecking my self-esteem and I really need good self-esteem right now. I saw an old friend of mine at the meeting which helped.

I feel numb from worry and sadness sometimes. Other times, I'm happy. It's an even mix, considering all that is going on. I think I'm just tired of living under poor self esteem, threats, and poor self care. Sometimes I worry that all of this could kill me mentally or physically. I need some freedom from this...and I think I'm working my way in that direction.

Well, more later. I'm going through a numb spell when nothing seems to surface.

I viewed the secrets at Post Secret tonight and two of them really bothered me. One was a video where the man in it was talking about a scar on his lip. I wonder how he got that scar and why he doesn't want to know, and why he couldn't see the scar until recently. I wonder if he was abused as a child. His video was really sad.

Another person wrote a postcard that said: "When I was 17 I smacked my 12 month old son. He died two months later. I'm 49 now. I'm so sorry Billy". Reading that card just broke my heart. That poor, poor woman. I'm not sure if it hurt so much to read it because Jamie is so close in age or not. I can't imagine losing a child that way.

I'm so grateful for my children. They are both so challenging, as I'm sure all kids are. Sometimes I'm so desperate to get away for a few hours and just get back in touch with myself. But it's not possible for me to do something like that right now. I don't feel it's safe to leave them with my parents, and it's not a good idea to leave them with DH either since he has trouble dealing with them. Sammie is great at almost five (FIVE!) years old, but she has a lot of needs and wants a lot of attention. Heck, she's always gotten tons of attention ever since she was born. Who can blame her? And Jamie is SO attached to me. If I want to leave him somewhere, I have to sneak out. About five minutes later he'll come looking for me. I love them so much. But sometimes getting away feels good, and I come back feeling more energetic and ready for marathon-mommying again.

Tonight was a bit of a bad night. Jamie was playing around in bed when he was supposed to be sleeping, and I was laying down with him, when he head-butted me right on the browbone and I felt like it chipped my skull. It hurt so bad I couldn't help but cry. Then I started crying about everything...no time to myself, my weight, the loss of Prince, my failed marriage, etc. etc. It was like a waterfall of tears. Sammie hung by me, got me a Band-Aid, and rubbed my arm until she fell back to sleep. But I think I could have cried for a couple of hours. It took Jamie a few more minutes to fall asleep. Then I just lay there...staring at the ceiling. Wondering what the hell has become of me. Wondering why I can't just be content to be a mom. Wondering why there is nowhere "safe" enough to leave my children. Wondering why I go to bed each night with a guilty heart. I want to be good enough. Just for one night.

I wonder why I'm scared for my children. Why I'm overprotective and just downright weird sometimes. I wonder why there is lots of memories from my childhood where there is a "blackout" in my memory. Why I don't consider my parents to be "safe". Truth is, they're not safe. Whatever happened to my sister, and I don't think either one of us is sure what happened yet, it happened because of my parents. And leopards don't change their stripes. My children could very much be in danger. And it only takes a minute. A minute without me there. I think that creates a lot of stress, naturally. Maybe I should just accept it as part of my life and stop scrutinizing it so much. Stop wondering what happened in the past. Yes, something probably happened back then. In fact, lots of things probably happened back then. Why tear myself up trying to remember? Now isn't the time to remember, and something in my brain protects me. I should just let it. Put my energy into protecting my kids instead.

I still think about running away sometimes. Like to Montana, Sasketchawan, or New Zealand. (These are just a few examples). :-) I wonder what that would be like. It would tear my kids apart to leave everything though. They love their grammas. They do love their daddy in lots of ways. I just don't think I could rip them apart from all of this. It would be too hard. So all my promises of getting the hell out of here someday are destined to be broken. I just can't follow through. I'm sorry.

This time of year always gets a little touchy anyways. It was on December 19th that I lost my first baby in a really painful and unexpectedc miscarriage. It happened while I was on vacation and far away from civilization. I was so scared. So, whenever this time of year rolls around, I think about that baby. I think about standing on the beach, looking at the stars, with my arms crossed over my chest. I couldn't cry then. I was too confused and scared. So every year, I cry a little to make up for the crying I didn't do then. I want to go back to that beach. Except this time I would grab a hold of someone, anyone, and just let it all go and let them know how much I was hurting. It still hurts. I think that someday, when I'm old and all that, I'll end up in heaven. The first thing I would like to do is walk down a beach and see a little girl or boy walking towards me in the distance. Maybe then I'll get a chance to hug them.

I told you I get a little strange this time of year.

Well, there's always lots to do here at night when the kids are sleeping. I have to get all caught up on the "me" time. Until next time everyone. Pull-free vibes to all of you.

I'm a little ashamed posting anything like a food journal on this site because now everyone will know how badly I eat! And I DO MEAN BADLY. My day is void of any fruits or veggies. At any rate, here it is. There is lots of room for improvement.

2 Nutri-Grain waffles with 2 tbsp. syrup (6)
Pasta with sauce and one meatball (6)
Four of the kids smiley face potatoes (4)
A fish stick (1)
Handful of dark chocolate MnM's (3)
Oreo cracker pack (3)
Oatmeal cookie (1)
Six Hershey Kisses (3)
1/2 cup rice (5)
LF hot dog with bread and ketchup (3)
Three of kids chicken nuggets (5)
SmartONes dessert (3)
TOtal Points for the day:43

So I used one Flex Point for the week. I'm saving my Flex Points for this weekend for sure though.

Tomorrow's goals are: Add some more exercise, two glasses of milk, and maybe one fruit and one veggie. That doesn't sound too hard does it?

Reading my food journal makes me wonder how I am able to make it through the day eating such crap. No wonder I feel tired and globby all the time. Duh.

I woke up tonight not being able to breathe very good. Normally I would use my Serevent but Jamie was playing with it when I caught him and took it away. Then I couldn't remember where I put it! Fortunately I had Sammie's nebulizer and used that instead. BUt I was rather panicky for a few minutes looking around for something to make the asthma go away! This reminds me to call my doctor tomorrow.

Until next time.

I cut my hair really short to try and re-motivate myself. Hmmm. Didn't work. I had to pull the old eyeliner trick...coloring in my bald spots on the sides so that they can't be seen. Bummer. Hate that. Doesn't stop me from pulling just yet though.

I was trying on some clothes this morning for a vacation that we are going on. Scary how my clothes don't fit right. I get too comfortable in my same-thing-everyday clothes. I forget how fat I am unless I try on the things that don't fit anymore, or haven't fit since summer 2005.

I want to become more accountable with my eating and I think I can do that by posting on this journal. I'll be back tonight to post more. There are a few more things I'm going to be changing about my life. Nothing drastic (like a divorce...sorry to disappoint anyone :-) ), just a few little things that I think will help me feel I have more control of my life and myself.

Until next time.

Tonight was a bad night. We went to a park and I was SO thirsty driving home. DH was driving. I asked if we could stop so I could get a drink. He said he didn't know where to get a drink at ( we were in town...there are McDonald's, 7-Elevens, carry outs) and I felt like he just didn't want to stop to get me anything to drink. I don't know why, but that set me off. I know he didn't want to stop. He made some comment how if he was thirsty he would wait till he got home. (Easy for him to say because he drank three Pepsis at the park). I just felt small. I hate that! HOw is it that I keep handing that power over to him. It's got to stop.

I feel like a failure a lot. I wonder what the future holds for me. I don't feel worthy of anyone's love or attention. I feel like a bad, impatient mom. I feel like there are things I've done that I can never, never take back. I want to run away.

Now he just woke up and came out here and wanted to see what I was typing. Damn him to hell. Read this you asshole.

There are some other interesting things happening in my life lately. For one, my parents have decided to sell their house. They've lived in this house the longest they've ever lived anywhere. And although I haven't lived there for about eight years, the selling of their house has put me through a little loop emotionally. I go to the house now and it's empty. Empty rooms physically, but emotionally those rooms are full of memories. Like my sister and I hanging a body-less snowman head on our Christmas trees...I would hide the ornament on her tree, then she would switch it back while I wasn't looking. (Somewhere, that poor little snowman still exists...). My sister and I teaching the little boy she was babysitting (age 2 or 3) how to throw baby dolls down the stairs. :-) Me hanging my sister's favorite stuffed animal from her ceiling fan while she was gone. My sister and I throwing marshmallows and granola bars into the dining room ceiling fan. These are happy memories. Then I can still see myself in the memory of standing by my bedroom window, watching my best friend hit on the guy I had a crush on (and she knew I did!) and sit in his car for two hours KNOWING I could see them the whole time. This broke my heart. My footprints are on the wall from where I would always sit and chat on the phone with my feet up. I can still see where my bed sat. There are still some glow-in-the-dark planet stickers on the ceiling there. Most of all, there is a painting on the wall of Prince. All these memories...now will have no place to go to come alive again. I can still see myself walking down the stairs in my prom dress and eventually my wedding dress. I can see myself wandering the house aimlessly the day my sister moved away, then laying in my parents bed staring at the ceiling. I had nowhere to go and no one to talk to for the first time ever. I was alone. I can still feel the empty pounding of my heart. (I eventually went to stay at my boyfriend's house for four days until my parents came home).

But, this is how it happens, and that's how it goes. This is how one house leaves the family and goes to another, and no one in the new family knows a darn thing about the memories that happened in that house. And maybe they wouldn't even care. BUt, I do. When I go into an old, empty house, I wonder about the people that lived there. How many Christmases did they have there? Birthdays? Weddings? Babies born? And there is no one there to tell the stories, and no way of ever knowing. Now my parents' house will join the ranks of houses such as this. And that's how it happens. And that's how it goes.

I didn't realize how much this was hitting me until the other night when I came home and I just started crying for no reason, or so I thought. But then I realized where the hurt was coming from. And I dealt with it.

This is the time of year where I tend to turn a little bit sad anyways. The fall season is creeping in. The queen anne's lace is fading and the goldenrod is starting to bloom. I can't believe sometimes how quickly one season turns to another. My children are growing up. I hug my daughter and I can't believe she used to be my baby. HOw did that happen? Where has the time gone. It makes me feel sorry for wishing the days away. Now we are only one year from SAmmie starting kindergarten, and although it will be a relief for me, it will also be the end of an era of our lives together. That will be it. She'll never be home with my all the time ever again. Oh sure, we'll have our summers and vacations. But that'll be it. And for what it's worth, I want to make this next year the best I can. I want to tell myself that we enjoyed it to the max. Baking cookies, going for walks, watching movies all day. I want to enjoy every minute. No regrets, and moving on after that.

Sometimes I feel like sadness is going to take over me. I feel so darn lonely sometimes, especially in the fall. But, I can't seem to put my finger on WHY I'm lonely. Who am I missing? When I had Prince, I still felt lonely in the fall. Maybe it's just a connection that I'm missing with everyone in my life. The fact that I keep to myself so much. I think my heart is lonely. I've put too many walls around it.

Until next time.

I still have not lost any reasonable amount of weight. My lowest weight still has been 236.4. Not good! I think I am still stuck in some kind of comfort zone. I've been at this weight since about August of 2004, so it's no wonder. I went to Old Navy and tried on some jeans in different styles. Most of the size 18's were too big, but the size 16's were too squeezy on my loose stomach, causing the lovely "butt in the front" look. My stomach is very flabby and loose after two babies, especially Jamie, who sat very low in my tummy. My hope is that I will find time to start working out again after I finish my on-line degree in the spring. Right now my nights are spent on my laptop getting my degree in design. I hope it's worth it! However, I know that if I was REALLY trying, I would MAKE time for exercise.

A lot of times I feel like I am just surviving life. I don't like that feeling. I feel spaced-out and disconnected. There is so much I just don't want to deal with right now. The main thing is my marriage. The other things include my in-laws, having no one "safe enough" to watch my children so that I can get some free time, and my finances. I spend too much money when I space out. Right now, we are on a strict budget.

Well, this post seems to be pretty fragmented, so I think I will hang it up for tonight and try again tomorrow.

My DH has been on vacation and driving me crazy. He thinks that when he is on vacation, I should be on vacation. Because, after all, I'm a work at home mom. I have TONS of time on my hands and in the afternoons I lay down with my angels and take a loooong nap everyday. It's SO easy. (Trust me, he has alluded to this fact several times). Life is SO easy as a stay-at-home mom. Isn't it? I mean, I only have two kids to take care of, an office to run, a house to keep clean, a barn with horses to keep healthy, and animals to feed and clean up after. It's SO easy. :-)

Actually, on a serious note, last week I was actually worried about myself for the first time in a very long time. I usually never worry about myself. Heck, I can handle almost anything, right? Physically my body will never let me down. But last week with the abcess and everything, I was a MESS. I was actually scared. After that was all over with, I kept falling asleep at weird times. I actually kept dozing off while I was on the phone with the business' flooring supplier. Granted she talks FOREVER, but isn't it weird to be dozing off on the phone? Then I kept dozing off while sitting at the computer. Then the last straw was when I was sitting on the couch with Sammie and dozed off while SITTING UP and WHILE SHE WAS TALKING TO ME. I think that my body is crying out for some rest. I just don't know how to get any. Jamie still wakes every 2-3 hours at night right now because he is getting some big teeth in the front. It's annoying. However, I know that within the next year he'll start sleeping better just as Sammie did. So it doesn't feel like a big deal right now. But it did when I was so sick. I just wanted to get some rest. I wanted DH to take the kids and just let me rest. But he won't even sit with the kids while I take a five minute shower. I try not to analyze this too much. It's just how it IS. This is my life.

Today I'm recommiting myself to following the Weight Watchers program. I'm so scared that I will regain a ton of weight when Jamie really starts eating solid food. So I have to start NOW. I also need to find more ways to get more exercise. It's hard in the summer when everything is so hot and I worry when I take the kids out that they will be hot too. So, I try to work out after they're in bed at night. Then I have Jamie waking up every 1/2 hour in the early hours of the night so that makes concentrating on a workout a little tough. BUT, I am really going to try. The other day at a picnic I was sitting in a lawn chair and the arms of it were just cutting in to my thighs. I felt like the biggest person sitting in that chair. Some from now on, whenever I get dillusional and actually think I can actually look passable, I need to remember that moment. I want to be able to sit in a lawn chair and feel okay. I want to be able to sit in the lawn swing and not wonder if it will hold me. I want to be able to get in line at the amusement park and not wonder if the seat belt will go around me. I want to be free of this! I know that I can do it.

What I am really doubting myself on is the hair pulling. I've been pulling pretty much since Christmas and it shows. The hair on top is thin again. I have to be careful to keep the hair on the sides placed just so so that the thin.bald spots don't show. I hate it. Why can't I decide that this isn't how I want to live? What keeps me pulling? I want to have hair again so badly. I just have to take this one day at a time. One hour at a time even.

Until next time.