I'm still attending art school online which is very challenging and which I've almost quit three times. :-) The only thing that is really keeping my going right now is the fact that I love learning, and the fact that I have no way of paying back my student loans while I'm jobless, so I might as well keep on learning. I do feel like I have a future as a designer, but I'll never take any job that will take me away from my children too often, even when they're in high school. Of course, I say that now, but ask me again in about ten years and see what I say. :-)

Time does pass all too quickly sometimes. Jamie is about to turn three and Sammie turned six two months ago. How is that POSSIBLE? Looking back, it SEEMS like it's been that long, but at the same time it feels like it's gone like the blink of an eye. Motherhood is such a contradiction in emotion...all the time we want them to grow up and become independent, while at the same time we want to stop them where they are or even go BACK in time to when they were tiny babies. Time is also like a snowball going down a hill...it just keeps going faster with the bigger it gets. Sometimes I wonder how my mind and heart will handle all of these memories and emotions from all the years, but somehow, I handle it. Sometimes I cry and sometimes I even want to stop moving, but somehow I keep going.

I still pull my hair too much. My hair is about 1/3 missing right now. I was pull free last spring and summer up until about November when we realized I was going to lose my job and lose my income. STRESS! So I sadly started pulling again. I really DO want to be pull free. I feel like a failure because I'm not pull free. I'm ready for a pull-free time to come again.

Once I lost my job, we were forced to declare bankruptcy after struggling for a long time. Fortunately we've been able to keep our cars and our house, but it has still been such a hard time. I've always wanted to be accountable for my debt. We made so many mistakes. And I couldn't face the world outside my home and leave my children to get a job. The very idea just broke my heart. Thankfully, praise God, through these trials we've found a way for me to stay home with the kids, which is the best thing for me and them. And I'm so thankful. I can't put into words what it feels like to sit here on a Sunday night knowing that for days and days to come, my responsibilities are only to keep and teach and care for my children, and that will be the majority of my life. It is a blessing. There are so many material things that I can no longer have because of this decision, but I'm grateful that we are in this place now. I have only one pair of jeans, holes in most of my socks, and a broken washing machine, but I know that tomorrow I'll be there when my kids wake up and I'll be there when Sammie gets home from school and I'll be there when they eat the dinner that I made and I'll be there to get them their baths and play with them and put them to be. I'll be there. And isn't that amazing? I'll be there to take Sammie to school every morning and kiss her goodbye and tell her I'll see her off the bus in the afternoon. I'll be there to play with Jamie and watch his favorite movie for the 300th time. I'll be there to take them outside after school and look for signs of spring and maybe dig for worms. There is so much to look forward to.

I guess that sometimes I think that my hair pulling rules my life. But it doesn't have to. Maybe if I just let go and let God, I can be the person that I need to be. With all my hair and everything.

Until next time.

Actually, I have pulled about five times during this "pull-free" period. But instead of freaking out about it, I just let it go. Let it be. Didn't focus on it. Picked myself up and started again, realizing that for just a moment I let my guard down and did something I didn't want to do. Put my guard back up. And got ready to enjoy my life again having hair!

My bad spots are 3/4 the length of the rest of my hair now. I look in the mirror and I can't believe it. It doesn't seem real. My hair has grown so fast this summer. I want to get a hair cut. A pretty one. But I'm afraid. Afraid of what the hairdresser might say. Or afraid that my face will look even puffier with less hair. Not sure what to do! I have to think and pray on it for a few days before I can decide.

We had a dog for the past sixteen months...a golden retriever we named Sam. He wasn't an easy dog, being very high energy and fun loving. He grew up and got too big for our small house. Too much energy for our small yard. Needing to much love for my small heart. So I gave him a new home with an elderly man who lost his best friend (a rottweiler) of 14 years. Sam never left this man's side the whole time he was here. And I knew that Sam had found his person. And it hurt, because I wanted to be his person. I could have been, without all these other circumstances. I told him goodbye yesterday, with his big goofy head hanging out the passenger side window of this man's truck. I told him to sit down and be good and just love his new person.

Good bye goliath poos in the backyard. No more of those to clean up. Good bye giant fluff balls of fur. Good bye eating my plants in the backyard in the winter. Good bye gentle brown eyes and dopey smile. Good bye big warm body lying across my legs at night while I"m doing my homework. I think I'll miss that the most.

Until next time.

Sometimes I worry about how long this pull-free status will last. How many times have I gone pull-free only to start pulling again? I feel scared and less confident. But I was watching a Joyce Meyer DVD with my sister and she was talking about problems and thinking confidently. I really believe that this time "Jesus came by" with healing for my trich...and that I will continue to be pull free. I was ready for a pull free spell, it came to me easily, and now, whether I have to work it, pray it, sweat it, or whatever, I will be pull free for a very long time.

The sun is coming up right now and the sky is exploding with color. I"m going to stop typing and go watch the sun come up and be thankful to the Lord that I'm pull free.
Until next time.

I'm still not pull-free on eyelashes though, but I'm not pulling as bad as I was either. Today I pulled three after having several pull-free days.

I don't really have much I want to talk about. It's like I have congestion of the brain. Another night, maybe. Until next time.

I'm so glad to be almost seven weeks pull free. I love the way my hair feels. It's soft and growing and doesn't lay flat against my head in the bald spots. I can part my hair in either direction because the hairs up there are long enough to flex either way.

I've also stopped biting my nails all the way and I only bite them when they get too long, then I bite them back down to a more manageable length. No more stumpy fingers. I've been stump-free for a little over two months. Nice.

I am still not pull free on eyelashes though. I pulled two today. My eyelashes look really awful. I'm going to make it the rest of the night without pulling anymore. Tomorrow I will try again for pull free.

I've gained four pounds this week. I hate it. I looked in the mirror tonight before my shower and I got some kind of wake up call. There are dimples in my hips where the bones SHOULD be, but are starting to become covered by fat. My post-baby belly hangs down a bit now. I don't look good. My goal now is to stop gaining. That's all I want, just to stop gaining. Baby steps.

What I fed my face today:
Looking back,I just realized I never ate any breakfast. I was going to eat cereal...but then, I guess I forgot. So, no breakfast. But I did eat some of Sammie's leftover waffle.

Grilled BBQ chicken wrap from MCDonald's.
Happy meal fries.
Four chicken nuggets (maybe five, I'm not sure)
1/2 a small chocolate shake.
Three potato chips.
1/2 cup little teddy grahams.
1/2 cup goldfish crackers.
Four bite size Milky Ways (the little square ones....60 cals each).
Four chocolate chip cookies.
Two mozzarella sticks.
Two slices homemade pizza.
One fudge bar.

Yuck. I really want to stop eating so much.

I'm going downstairs to FIRM now...I think if I start that back up, I'll start feeling better, and fast. Leslie Sansone (Walk Away the Pounds) says that bodies are made to move. Having a body that is out of shape means that you will have pain in your body. She's right. I need to get back in shape. I can't get around like this anymore.

One of our kittens passed away today. A little boy. I can't quite seem to come to terms with it. I had no idea he was ill. I know he was the runt, and had trouble competing with the others for the four most used nipples, but I didn't think he would pass away. :-( He was sweet...he had a small black dot right next to his nose, and a very loud little voice. I guess the hardest thing to realize is that I'll never get to see him grow up. One other little boy seems frail tonight...I'm worried he won't make it. When I left he was nursing, so I'm hoping he'll be alright since there's less competition. I worry that if the momma hasn't gotten an infection, then the little boy might have been spared. I guess I like to blame myself.

Until next time.

Today I had to have an abcessed tooth pulled. I get so nervous at the dentist. My new dentist is extrement nice and calm and gets right down to business. No constant yapping, no flirting with the hygienist, etc. He's great. This tooth was hard to pull though. The dentist accidently hurt my jaw and side of my mouth trying to get the bastard out. Then it broke off, leaving one root up in there. SO they had to grind that down to get a grip of it and pull it out. I was pretty nervous and was clenching my hands, even though it didn't really hurt. I just felt lots of pressure and cracking. Weird. I just kept praying that Jesus would make that root come out! And it did. Eventually. :-) Today I keep tasting blood and didn't eat all midday or afternoon. By nighttime I was starving.

Here is what I ate today (prepare to be disgusted):

Fiber One bar
Cup of skim milk
Five chicken nuggets
Shredded chicken sandwich
5 mini cupcakes
3 mozzarella sticks
1 chocolate truffle
1 cup cocoa pebbles with 2/3 cup skim milk
five slices of bread dipped in peanut butter (not a lot of peanut butter...just enough to get a taste)

I call this my "fruit and vegetable boycott day"

And now you all know how I really eat! The one thing I am proud of is that I got the shredded chicken sandwich at the ice cream place instead of ice cream. And I got Sammie just a baby cone and that was it, no more. And I did drink a lot of water today. I think the Motrin/penicillin is making me very thirsty.

My little momma cat, Binka, had kittens almost two weeks ago. Since then she's become thin and listless. I took her to the vet today...she has a abcess on her tummy! Her temperature was 104.8 (102 or so is normal for cats). Terrible! The vet thinks one of the baby's claws got under Binka's skin and caused the abcess to flare. My poor baby. She is on antibiotics for 14 days. This could have killed her and I feel terrible about it. I should have never let her get pregnant. *GUILT GUILT GUILT* I am going to get her and all her five kittens spayed/neutered, no matter how much it costs. She had three boys and two girls. All black/brown with white like her. :-) So, at least this story will have a happy ending. I'm glad I listened to my instinct and insisted with the vet that she be seen.

My fat is annoying me tonight. I want to cut it off with a knife. I wanted to try those new "Slim Shots" that I saw on TV...CVS has them on sale for $29.99 but we can't afford that. So I didn't get them. I also didn't want to spend money on one more thing to fail at. I know, poor attitude, but I can't seem to get off my tushie and do better. Not right now.

I'll try harder tomorrow. Until next time!

I try not to touch my hair too much because that leads to desire. I also try to not run my hands through my hair looking for loose hairs anymore. This should equal pulling...I think it does almost as much damage. My eyelashes have really taken a beating. I'm only one day pull free on eyelashes. I want to stop attacking them as a substitute for attacking my hair.

My son turned two last week. I wonder how time can go by so quickly. I already forget what it was like to have that sweet, cuddly little baby boy. He is still sweet and cuddly, but the little is quickly becoming history! He repeats the words that I say all the time, and is a much better talker than Sammie was at his age. It's fun, but also frustrating at times, because I can't always understand what he's trying to say. Frustrating for both of us! But he is so sweet and loving...but quickly becomiung "all boy". He has a taste for guns and hitting and screaming and throwing things. This is new to me as Sammie never really enjoyed those kinds of things. I mean, he was clapping while watching Terminator 2 tonight. THAT is all boy.

Sammie is doing great and I love her so much. I worry about her all the time. I can't seem to stop trying to cure my past by overcompensating with her. I don't ever want her to feel lonely or left out. But I really believe that is my problem and not hers. My experiences, and not hers. But I can't seem to stop. I hover. I over do it. I wear myself out constantly. I'm trying to take baby steps to stop this. She is such a busy girl that I often find myself exhausted and worried that she isn't getting enough attention, etc. I wonder if things will be easier when she goes to kindergarten. I think they will be. It's hard to imagine though. How will I spend my day, knowing that my little girl is in someone else's charge for six hours? Doing her own thing. Experiencing things without me being there to protect her. It scares me. I fear her being hurt. Lonely. Rejected. But those are my issues from the past and not necesarily something I can expect for her. I just can't seem to let myself feel good about letting Sammie go out in the world.

I am still over eating on a pretty regular basis. I have to admit that I've given up. I don't like going out, especially around my family, because I don't like to be seen. I want to disappear, but my body does the exact opposite. I want so bad to be thin, but I just can't seem to make myself so what needs to be done. Food is filling voids for me right now that I can't find alternatives for. I'm hoping that, just like my trich, a better time will come to me. If I just wait for the right time, I'll KNOW it's the right time, and almost like magic I won't need food so much anymore. I'll make the healthier choices without thinking twice. Say no thank you to cake without feeling like I'm being deprived. Stay up at night to get my work done without sitting down and eating first. I hope that time comes soon. I weigh 255 and I'm gunning for 300.

Until next time.

I am in the process of growing out my hair after a really horrid hair cut, so my hair looks pretty funky. I think if I lighten the roots, it would help a lot. The ends of my hair are dry and need a hot oil treatment. I still like to look through my hair to find the split ends and snap those off. I sometimes live for my evenings alone when I can sit in the lamplight and snap split ends with no distraction. I really get into the zone. I don't think this does a lot of damage, although I probably shouldn't do it. Right now though, I'm just happy to not be pulling. There isn't a whole lot of change in my bad spots, just that they are all filled in now. The hair is still slick and downy, so there is still a lot of growing to do.

I'm hoping that this pull free time will last a long long time. Maybe forever, even though this seems to much to hope for. I'm thinking of asking the folks at the 700 Club to pray for me. I would need a miracle to stay pull free forever. My longest stretch was nine months at the beginning of keeping this journal. I look at pictures of myself from then and my hair is just like, allllll over. It was beautiful. Full. Sticking out in all directions. I want that! It was messy, but it was NORMAL. All my hair was the same length.

Baby up. Gotta go. Until next time.

I'm still struggling to stay on plan with my weight loss. Sometimes I just tell myself that it's okay to stay like this for a while, until the kids are older and I get some time to myself. But is that really okay? Or is it just another lie that I tell myself?

I don't have much else to say tonight. Until next time...

Some things have changed with my dad's business that may keep me working at least through the summer. This is nice because I can get Sammie settled in kindergarten before starting my in-home day care. This also gives me enough time to finish my licensing and get my inspection, etc. etc. I'm secretly hoping that things will continue to go well with the business to where I won't HAVE to do the day care, but in my heart I know it would be the best thing for my Dad's business and me to go our separate ways. It's just...taking that last leap that is the hardest. However, I am preparing to do it, and when I'm ready, I will do it. Like diving into cold water on a hot day, at first you're scared, then you do it and your shocked and frozen, but then DAMN that water feels good. :-) I'll be ready.

My husband is finally out of the hospital but is really sick. He has finally decided to quit smoking. He's taking Chantix to help him stop. Not sure how that works...don't really care to know either. Just as long as he quits. Gives us one less thing to argue about. :-) He seems to be wanting to try harder the last few days. I gave in and vented all my frustrations to him and stood like a man and took it all without fighting back. This usually doesn't happen for us. Usually he gets angry and says something really mean and then retreats. This time he just let me say my piece. Not sure what this means for us. We'll see tomorrow I guess. One day at a time.

Today I took Sammie and Jamie on a nature walk. A butterfly landed on Sammie several times, and then ended up letting her carry it around. It was strange...and magical. Seeing Sammie's face...looking at that beautiful butterfly...it's made up for years of sadness that I might have had. It was the most beautiful thing I've seen since the day she was born. Miraculous. I see her growing up and being an animal person and I want to be there and know everything about her...but at the same time, I feel her finding herself and going her own way...and I'm so torn. I hope I never the connection I have with her.

Jamie is learning to talk and is even starting to string two words together to make simple sentences. Sammie didn't talk this well at his age. It's making me realize that even he, in his littleness, is becoming his own person, and how beautiful and scary that is to me at the same time. How is it that I can have such a connection with TWO little people? How on earth will I ever be able to know both of them? I feel that two years of Jamie's life have gone by with my focusing mostly on Sammie...because she is always needing, while Jamie is content to sit back and watch. Realizing this made me cry a little. But then I realized that when Sammie goes to school, it will be just me and Jamie, and then, we can develop that really special connection that can only be brought about by one-on-one time. It will be his turn.

Today was a really good day. My feet didn't hurt as much. I ate two fruits. I drank my water. I ate only two pieces of dark chocolate. I am down 7.6 pounds from last week. (Current weight is 257.6). I don't know if it's just the springtime, but I really feel like the future holds a lot more for me lately.

Until next time.

BUt I am almost five days pull free. I feel like this pull-free spree will last a long time. I feel confident for the first time in a long time.

Now if I just had the energy to concentrate on my eating. :-) I'm hoping to make a fresh start tomorrow morning (but not eat myself to death in the mean time either.) I developed the photos from our vacation and I just can't BELIEVE it is ME in those photos. But it still doesn't sink in. It doesn't compute. I don't understand. I can't seem to make myself SEE reality. Why is that? Because it's easier to just keep eating and numb my frustrations.

At least I'm pull free. And my kids are happy. :-) And I love them. Right now, that seems to be all I need. Everything else in its own time.

I am still pulling but not as much. Usually in the spring time I'm able to go through a pull-free spell. As the weather warms up, I feel much more relaxed and ready to try again. It's been a long time since I was pull free. Maybe I'll try tomorrow. Last night I pulled about 11 hairs from the top while I was in bed getting Jamie to sleep.

Things seem to be always rolling along here. Just when I think we are at the brink of some disaster (financial, marriage, sickness, etc.), something comes along to save me. I know it must be God watching out for me. My kiddos are doing so well. Sammie is fun to be with, even with all her demands and energy. At five years old, she has an interesting view point on the world that I always want to know more about. But with Jamie about :-), who will be two in a few weeks, I don't always get to spend the time that I would like to with Jamie. And she goes to kindergarten in five months. I worry about that. I worry about what she will eat for lunch...will I pack or get her a hot lunch? Will she like her classmates? Will her teacher give her the attention that she wants but is afraid sometimes to ask for? How will she deal with being away from home for 6+ hours every day? It will be a new part of our lives...an establishment of a "new normal". And I"m really going to miss her. Not just the five year old her, but the baby and toddler that she was that I will never, never, be able to have back again. And I think that is what hurts the most. As for Jamie, my cuddly little boy, I'll still have him at home. It's funny though, in the beginning I wondered how I would be able to do it with two kiddos. Now I wonder how I will function with only one. Life is strange. :-)

My job is on the rocks because of the economy. In some ways, I'm ready to quit and move on with becoming a home daycare provider. But in other ways, I"m not ready to give up the freedom that I've enjoyed for the past (almost) ten years. However, I think a change is in the air. I"m not sure what, but I know I'll be ready when it comes. It would be better for me to not work for my father anymore. I need that separation from mother and father, and I need to show them that I can exist without their support.

My glimmer of hope, as far as work and finances goes, is that I can graduate as early as Fall 2011 with my current schedule. Sounds like a long way off, but really that is only 3.5 years. Jamie will be going to kindergarten then, but I still hope to get a Graphic Design position to work from home, whether full time or free lancing. I hope these types of jobs become more common during the next three years. I really believe that they will! I don't feel, at this time, that I want to pursue a career outside of my home. Because if my kids needed to be home from school, I can't have my mom watching them with my father lurking about (as he will still be self-employed). So who could I trust to watch them? Again, no one. So I will HAVE to find a way to be home. I mean, I could probably trust a sitter at that time, but I've never had to do that before, and I don't know how available someone would be or how much it would cost. :-)

My health is a problem right now. We went on vacation which involved a lot of driving and then walking in theme parks. I think that my body has some kind of crisis because I started retaining so much water. I had headaches and backaches and leg aches and foot aches. My plantar fasciitis is killing. I also noticed after vacation that each of my toenails has a teensy bruise on the bottom of the nail. I think my blood pressure went wonky. Scary. I also weighed myself and I weigh 265.2, which is a gain of almost 24 pounds this year. The cycle repeats itself....the same way it did when Sammie was about to be two years old. And I have failed to stop it. I'm not sure what to do. I find it difficult to find time to exercise with the two kiddos home. At night I have coursework to do most of the time, and sometimes am too exhausted to do that. But something much change. If it doesn't I'll die. Some days I am so exhausted and full of physical pain that I feel like I'm already dying. I know that it is mostly due to my weight, but I can't seem to make the internal image of me match the external image. Inside my brain I feel healthy and strong, but reality doesn't match that.

I have to keep trying. I'm doing Weight Watchers online, but seem to have failed at that already...I am 1.5 points over my allowance for the week and the week started on Monday. What keeps me eating? What need am I filling? "If hunger is not the question, then food is not the answer". But for me, food is often the answer.

I promise to keep trying. If anyone still reads this journal, I promise it to you. I won't give up.

Until next time.

I am still pulling my hair out. I pull maybe 5-35 hairs a day, depending on the day. It doesn't seem to have any rhythm or rhyme to it. I want to stop, truly I do. I just don't have the energy to put into it right now. Today I pulled a lot of eyelashes. I haven't pulled so many in a long time, and I feel a little guilty about it. But at least I was able to stop.

Today I went and saw a new counselor who can hopefully help me with these family and marriage issues I am having. He seemed really nice. Too bad I was so nervous that I can't even remember his name. My DH went with me, since we are supposed to be working on our marriage. No surprise that he dominated the session. Thankfully the therapist saw through that and suggested that next time we do a split session starting with me. I think he wants to know more about ME since I am the one who signed up.

Yesterday DH threatened that if I called to make an appointment at the therapist, he would call an attorney right after. I didn't let it stop me. I was on the edge of crazy anyways, may as well go all the way. I've been pushing him to the edge of his threats lately, to see if he will follow through. He doesn't. His bark is way worse than his bite. But, I suppose that doesn't stop it from hurting.

After this point, I wanted to go to Weight Watchers. He wasn't going to let me take the kids with me. He felt I was a flight risk. ARGh. I left anyways. He called me four times while I was gone.

At Weight Watchers, I weighed in at 254.6. I've gained weight. I've gained ten pounds back. I think that I knew I had gained some weight, but not that much. Now I need to find a way to pay for the meetings. I'm going to call our insurance to see if it will pay some. I would think that it would. We'll see. Anything would help! I wish I could ask for sponsors. I know that this time I'm going to stick with it. I can't keep going like this. It's wrecking my self-esteem and I really need good self-esteem right now. I saw an old friend of mine at the meeting which helped.

I feel numb from worry and sadness sometimes. Other times, I'm happy. It's an even mix, considering all that is going on. I think I'm just tired of living under poor self esteem, threats, and poor self care. Sometimes I worry that all of this could kill me mentally or physically. I need some freedom from this...and I think I'm working my way in that direction.

Well, more later. I'm going through a numb spell when nothing seems to surface.

I viewed the secrets at Post Secret tonight and two of them really bothered me. One was a video where the man in it was talking about a scar on his lip. I wonder how he got that scar and why he doesn't want to know, and why he couldn't see the scar until recently. I wonder if he was abused as a child. His video was really sad.

Another person wrote a postcard that said: "When I was 17 I smacked my 12 month old son. He died two months later. I'm 49 now. I'm so sorry Billy". Reading that card just broke my heart. That poor, poor woman. I'm not sure if it hurt so much to read it because Jamie is so close in age or not. I can't imagine losing a child that way.

I'm so grateful for my children. They are both so challenging, as I'm sure all kids are. Sometimes I'm so desperate to get away for a few hours and just get back in touch with myself. But it's not possible for me to do something like that right now. I don't feel it's safe to leave them with my parents, and it's not a good idea to leave them with DH either since he has trouble dealing with them. Sammie is great at almost five (FIVE!) years old, but she has a lot of needs and wants a lot of attention. Heck, she's always gotten tons of attention ever since she was born. Who can blame her? And Jamie is SO attached to me. If I want to leave him somewhere, I have to sneak out. About five minutes later he'll come looking for me. I love them so much. But sometimes getting away feels good, and I come back feeling more energetic and ready for marathon-mommying again.

Tonight was a bit of a bad night. Jamie was playing around in bed when he was supposed to be sleeping, and I was laying down with him, when he head-butted me right on the browbone and I felt like it chipped my skull. It hurt so bad I couldn't help but cry. Then I started crying about everything...no time to myself, my weight, the loss of Prince, my failed marriage, etc. etc. It was like a waterfall of tears. Sammie hung by me, got me a Band-Aid, and rubbed my arm until she fell back to sleep. But I think I could have cried for a couple of hours. It took Jamie a few more minutes to fall asleep. Then I just lay there...staring at the ceiling. Wondering what the hell has become of me. Wondering why I can't just be content to be a mom. Wondering why there is nowhere "safe" enough to leave my children. Wondering why I go to bed each night with a guilty heart. I want to be good enough. Just for one night.

I wonder why I'm scared for my children. Why I'm overprotective and just downright weird sometimes. I wonder why there is lots of memories from my childhood where there is a "blackout" in my memory. Why I don't consider my parents to be "safe". Truth is, they're not safe. Whatever happened to my sister, and I don't think either one of us is sure what happened yet, it happened because of my parents. And leopards don't change their stripes. My children could very much be in danger. And it only takes a minute. A minute without me there. I think that creates a lot of stress, naturally. Maybe I should just accept it as part of my life and stop scrutinizing it so much. Stop wondering what happened in the past. Yes, something probably happened back then. In fact, lots of things probably happened back then. Why tear myself up trying to remember? Now isn't the time to remember, and something in my brain protects me. I should just let it. Put my energy into protecting my kids instead.

I still think about running away sometimes. Like to Montana, Sasketchawan, or New Zealand. (These are just a few examples). :-) I wonder what that would be like. It would tear my kids apart to leave everything though. They love their grammas. They do love their daddy in lots of ways. I just don't think I could rip them apart from all of this. It would be too hard. So all my promises of getting the hell out of here someday are destined to be broken. I just can't follow through. I'm sorry.

This time of year always gets a little touchy anyways. It was on December 19th that I lost my first baby in a really painful and unexpectedc miscarriage. It happened while I was on vacation and far away from civilization. I was so scared. So, whenever this time of year rolls around, I think about that baby. I think about standing on the beach, looking at the stars, with my arms crossed over my chest. I couldn't cry then. I was too confused and scared. So every year, I cry a little to make up for the crying I didn't do then. I want to go back to that beach. Except this time I would grab a hold of someone, anyone, and just let it all go and let them know how much I was hurting. It still hurts. I think that someday, when I'm old and all that, I'll end up in heaven. The first thing I would like to do is walk down a beach and see a little girl or boy walking towards me in the distance. Maybe then I'll get a chance to hug them.

I told you I get a little strange this time of year.

Well, there's always lots to do here at night when the kids are sleeping. I have to get all caught up on the "me" time. Until next time everyone. Pull-free vibes to all of you.